The Sun Will Shine Tomorrow (14 page)

Then I thought of myself. A future old maid if ever I saw one and that filled me with a black cloud of depression. Kathleen had at least tried marriage and had a lovely daughter as a result but what had I achieved? Nothing. Was a bad husband better than no husband at all? Quite honestly, I had no answer to that.

Grandad was still the same when we arrived home. He was sleeping most of the time which was a blessing. Dad and Rosie were still there, waiting to take Jay home, and, after they left, Lily told Granny all about the arguments at Lochee.

‘Maggie was really angry, Granny, but she was funny as well. I thought she would explode but she didn’t. Her Dinky curlers were jumping all over her head as she flounced in.’ Lily burst out laughing and I could hardly keep a straight face as Granny looked at us with her eyebrows raised.

I explained the situation and wasn’t surprised when Granny sided with Kit and Maggie. ‘She is a married woman with a husband in a prisoner of war camp and folk like to gossip. But I wish her well in her new job.’

On the Tuesday evening, Lily and I set off for Kathleen’s flat in the Perth Road. It was a few hundred yards past Roseangle and Lily gave a wistful glance down the road as we passed. I didn’t want to promise her a quick return as it all depended on Grandad’s health so it was better not to say a word in case of disappointment.

The photographic studio and shop had a very expensive look to them. The flat was up one flight of stairs in a very posh-looking close which was painted with a grey gloss paint – very grand looking.

Kathleen opened the door. She was wearing a different blue cardigan and the same navy skirt. The flat was tiny but beautiully furnished and decorated. I never thought of myself as an envious person but I suddenly wished we had somewhere like this to stay. Maddie and Danny’s flat was every bit as grand but it wasn’t mine – not like this place which belonged to Kathleen.

Kitty was sitting on the settee and Lily went to read her a story. The bright blue damask curtains framed a large window which also had a good view of the river. The setting sun was going down in the west and the room was bathed in a translucent glow. It was simply beautiful.

Kathleen laughed. ‘Maggie can’t understand why I prefer this flat to yon dark hole at Louis Square.’

‘I think she’s maybe a bit worried about your reputation, Kathleen. It’s understandable, I suppose, in someone her age and maybe she doesn’t mean it personally.’

Kathleen gave me a direct look. Something I had noticed she did a lot. ‘Right then, Ann, I’ll apologise next weekend.’

We sat at the window and looked at the ever-changing river until the kettle whistled cheerfully in the tiny scullery which led off from the living room.

‘Do you often think about Danny, Ann?’

I was taken aback by her direct question but I nodded. ‘Aye, I do – all the time.’

‘So do I and I think he would approve of me trying to make a better life for us.’

‘Well, he certainly didn’t like you getting married to Sammy,’ I reminded her.

She nodded. ‘Aye, that was a big mistake but I really thought I was in love with him.’

‘And you’re not?’

She shook her head and her long auburn curls swung around her pale neck. She looked like a model from a Raphael painting and it was no wonder her photographic boss was enchanted by her.

She leaned closer to me and gave a quick glance over to where Lily and Kitty were still engrossed in their story. Her voice dropped to a whisper.

‘I love my job here and I’ve just met Chris. He’s Mr Portland’s son and he’s a photographer with the War Office in London. Oh, you should see him, Ann! He’s really tall and good-looking – a bit like a young Leslie Howard.’

If that was a true description, then he was a very lucky man to have so much going for him.

‘Is he married, Kathleen?’

Her eyes filled with mischief. ‘No, that’s the best part. He was almost married before the war but his girlfriend married someone else. Imagine that – turning down this Greek god!’

I was a bit doubtful about this description. At my time of life, I realised one rarely met someone presentable, let alone a god – Greek or otherwise.

‘Mr Portland’s really great to work for and Chris was telling me that, after the war is over, he’ll be coming back to work with his father.’ Her eyes took on a faraway, dreamy expression and I was suddenly worried about her.

‘You’ll watch your step, won’t you, Kathleen?’

As she nodded, I realised I had repeated Ma Ryan’s warning to me to watch my step.

Grandad died at the end of June. It was a warm sunny Friday morning. Thankfully it was a peaceful passing. One moment he was sipping a drink of water and the next he was gone. Lying back on the pillows with a final sigh.

Granny was by his side and she gently covered his face with the white sheet while I stood in shocked silence by the side of the bed, the water glass still in my hand. She turned to me and, although she wasn’t crying, her eyes were glazed with unshed tears.

‘He’s passed all his suffering now, Ann. Go and get Hattie and your dad.’

I went to the Westport first, hoping Hattie would be at home. She was and she looked shocked at the news even although we had anticipated this moment for weeks.

‘I’ve to go and get Dad, Hattie.’

We walked to the Overgate together and I left her to go to the warehouse to see Dad. When I got there, I found him sitting in the tiny dusty office with its small grimy windows which let in shafts of filtered sunlight. As I entered, I could see he was busy with a pile of paperwork. He was bending over a book and, when I saw him, I began to cry.

He looked up in alarm and his face went white. ‘What is it, Ann? Is it Grandad?’

I nodded wordlessly and he came over and gave me a hug.

‘Come on, I’ll get my jacket and have a wee word with Mr Pringle.’

I waited outside. The sun was warm on my face and I felt so sad that Grandad couldn’t be with me on this lovely morning – or on any other morning.

Mr Pringle came to the door with Dad, his face full of sympathy. ‘I’m very sorry to hear about your grandad, Ann – so very sorry.’

Again, I just nodded, unable to form words in my mouth. Then Dad took my arm and we set off for the Overgate.

Hattie was sitting by the side of the bed and she was crying. Granny, as usual, was bustling around being busy and making tea.

Dad made her sit down beside me and we made a grieving semicircle around the bed and I suddenly thought how Grandad would have laughed at us all. Sitting with our sad faces. Then I realised I would never see or hear from him ever again and tears ran down my face.

Hattie gave a huge sob. ‘How many times did I tell him to give up that awful pipe? But he wouldn’t listen.’ Her voice was harsh with grief.

Granny took her hand. ‘Shush, Hattie. Dad’s at peace now and there’s no use in recriminations. You all knew what he was like. He enjoyed doing his own thing.’

Hattie just shook her head.

The rest of the day passed in a blur of visitors. Rosie and Jay arrived as soon as they heard the news and they were followed by Alice. The doctor came and wrote out the death certificate. He said a few words of comfort to Granny before leaving and he passed Bella who was coming in as he was going out.

Bella looked upset and, for once, didn’t comment on her own illnesses. She slumped down on the chair beside me. ‘Your poor grandad, Ann – at least he’s not suffering any more.’

I nodded again. I felt my head must surely fall off my neck by the amount of nodding I was doing but it saved me speaking and breaking down in a flood of tears in front of the visitors.

It was almost time to go and fetch Lily from the school. This was her last week at Rosebank School and I know she was a bit sad about leaving even though she was looking forward to the adventure of a new school in the autumn.

Lily had been staying at the Overgate for the past week as Granny thought we should tell her how serious Grandad’s illness was. I had explained as gently as I could about the finality of his life. I was amazed by how grown-up she had become and what I had failed to realise during Grandad’s illness was the fact that Lily had suspected how ill he was – we just hadn’t spoken of it.

So, every night, Lily had sat at the side of the bed and read the evening paper out loud to him. Sometimes he opened his eyes and looked at her which made her so happy. When this happened, she chattered on about her day at school but I didn’t have the heart to tell her he wouldn’t hear a fraction of it.

Now, standing at the school gate, I was unsure how to tell her. As it turned out, she guessed the truth from the look on my face.

‘It’s Grandad, isn’t it, Ann? He’s dead?’

‘Aye, he is, Lily. I’m really very sorry.’

Because Rosie and Jay hadn’t stayed too long at the Overgate, Dad had said to take her to the house and Rosie would look after her. As we walked towards the house, we both tried to keep the tears at bay until we reached the safety of Rosie’s kitchen.

Rosie was sitting at the table and she wiped her eyes as we entered. Jay was toddling around the kitchen, playing with his toys and singing a nursery rhyme. Normally we would have laughed at his antics but not today. As if sensing our grief, the song died away but thankfully he started singing it again when Rosie picked him up and hugged him tight. I made some tea and we sat around the table, speaking about our memories of Grandad.

Rosie recalled the episode of Lily’s pram and we smiled at the memory of it. Lily recalled her walks along the Esplanade with him and how he would buy her an ice-cream cone afterwards. As for me … well, the memories came flooding back. I particularly remembered how strong he and Granny had been after Mum’s death and I was suddenly filled with a deep sense of sadness at our loss and all the old thoughts that had filled my mind during the long dark years after Mum died came rushing back. Was this what life was all about? This vale of tears?

Lily wanted to come back with me to the Overgate but I explained there simply wasn’t enough room at the moment. Actually that wasn’t true but I didn’t want Lily to see Grandad. I wanted her to remember him as he had been in life – the centre of her existence.

I went to see Connie before heading back. She didn’t know what to say but what could anyone say? Grandad had had a long life. It had been a hard-working one, just like the majority of people, and now it was over. This was something that happened to us all but that didn’t mean it was a painless process. In fact, I felt I was falling apart with grief and sadness.

Maddie was in the house when I arrived and she came over and put her arms around me. This simple sympathetic gesture was something I would never forget.

She said, ‘I know it sounds cruel, Ann, but your grandad is at peace now. He would have suffered more and more as time went on, believe me.’

‘I know, Maddie.’

Granny was sitting with a box on her lap.

Maddie nodded towards it and said softly. ‘Your granny is looking at all the old photos. She’s had a good deal of comfort from that.’

We went over and Granny held out a faded sepia-tinted photo of a stiff-looking couple standing beside a huge potted palm. It was her wedding photo. Grandad was extremely young and good looking and Granny looked no more than a lassie. He was wearing a dark and severe-looking suit while Granny was in a long dress and an enormous hat.

She suddenly laughed out loud. ‘I mind fine how much he hated that hat – said it hid my bonnie face.’

Maddie took the photo from her shaking fingers and we gazed at the image of a happy event from another age. ‘It’s a lovely photo, Mrs Neill, and you both look so handsome.’

Granny sighed and put it back in her box. ‘Aye, he was a real handsome fellow was your grandad, Ann.’

Maddie said we would both stay the night with her but she shook her head.

‘No, you two go away back home. I’ll be fine on my own.’

But Maddie wouldn’t hear of it and she made Granny go next door to Alice’s house. ‘Ann and I will stay here tonight. You go to bed and try and get a good night’s sleep. You need it.’

For a brief moment she looked as if she would reject this idea but she slowly made her way next door.

Maddie and I sat in the long twilight of the summer night, as we had done on other nights over the past weeks. We talked about Lily, Danny and Daniel, Rosie and Jay and Minnie and Peter – as if concentrating on the young and healthy would somehow dispel the overwhelming feeling of death. Of course this talk of the young and living didn’t truly dispel the sadness but it helped a little bit.

Then, in the morning, the undertaker arrived and we left him with Granny, Dad and Hattie.

The funeral took place at Balgay. Grandad was being buried beside Mum which I thought was very poignant and all the terrible memories of another day spent here were once again raised, like a suppurating sore.

There was a large gathering at the graveside. A lot of Grandad’s old friends and neighbours were there as well as Maddie’s father and uncle. Then, to my surprise, I saw Greg’s parents amongst the crowd. It wasn’t that I was displeased to see them because I had always got on so well with them both but I was dreading meeting them afterwards. Had Greg told them our engagement was over? Then I realised they would know because Greg wouldn’t leave them in the dark over something as serious as this.

I stood with Maddie and Lily. I hadn’t wanted Lily to come to such a sad occasion but she had insisted so I gave in. Alice was looking after Jay and one of Maddie’s aunts had Daniel.

I didn’t know the minister who was conducting the service. Hattie had taken everything in her stride after Grandad’s death and we were grateful to her. It let Granny have a rest.

Granny … I looked over to where she was standing with Hattie, Dad and Rosie. Although I knew she had shed tears over Grandad’s death, today she was dry-eyed and standing very straight. Only the sadness of her face belied her widowhood. She was from the old school that taught stiff-backed dignity in all matters and I marvelled at her resolve.

It was a stiflingly hot day and I couldn’t help but recall how Mum had died on a day such as this. Her funeral, however, had been held during a thunderstorm but there were no ominous black clouds today. The sky was bright blue with tiny wisps of white cloud scoring the vast expanse of sky. I felt the heat of the sun beat down on my head.