The Swap (32 page)

“You're such a great kid, honey. I love you so much. I just want you to live your life, and go after your dreams and—” Summer gets really quiet again.

“For a long time, with your dad—when he left, it happened pretty fast. It was hard. I kind of checked out for a while.”

Summer stops, and during this pause, suddenly all I can think about is my dad and how much he must miss my mom—I guess I haven't thought of that.

Neither of us says anything for a long time.

“Honey,” says Summer. “I feel tremendous sadness when I think about how much you must miss your dad. When he first left, it didn't sink in. And . . .” She trails off. She exhales. “I had a hard time accepting it.” Summer tightens her hand around mine. “Sometimes we miss people, and it's beyond words.”

All I can think about is my mom. I squeeze my eyes to try to hold back the tears. I turn away, I try to hide it.

“Oh, honey, pushing away those feelings doesn't work. Let it out. It's okay. It's part of being human.”

I slowly turn back to Summer. I can't keep the tears in, and I finally just let them fall. Summer cups her hand against my face. Her smile grows even wider as she looks at me. I watch one lone tear trickle down her freckled cheek. She looks beautiful.

“Honey, what I want to say too—” She stops, breathes in deep, and sits up.

I sit up too.

We both look out at the water.

“I know it hurts and things change and it's overwhelming sometimes, but at some point—I simply refused to let what happened between me and your dad stop me from living. I promised myself to live my life as I want to, to say whatever is on my mind, to not let what anyone else thinks stop me. To have fun.” She pauses and wipes the tears running down her cheeks. “Life is precious,” she says, giving me that kick-ass Summer smile through the tears and wrapping both her arms around me in a big huge hug. I adore her. The way she makes me feel. Like everything is going to be okay. Like I can do anything.

Then, in true Summer style, she suddenly jumps to her feet and exclaims, “What are we doing sitting here! Let's go swimming!”

That's Summer. She can talk you into anything. I don't even think about it, really. We both strip down to our bras and underwear and run barefoot and squealing into the icy cold water. I think this will be one of my favorite moments ever. Does that sound crazy? With someone I've only known for three days? But it feels like forever. We run through the water whooping with joy, crying, and laughing. We dive in and swim out into the deepness.

UNCORRECTED E-PROOF—NOT FOR SALE

HarperCollins Publishers

..................................................................

WHEN I WAKE UP ON
top
of Jack's bed—not under the covers—I don't know how long I've been sleeping. And yeah, I'm nervous. I get up and tiptoe along the white strip of tape balance beam and quietly open the door one tiny inch, peering out. I don't really hear anybody until—

“Bud,” calls out Jett. “That you, man?”

What is he, telepathic? I thought I was quiet. My heart kind of leaps. Also? I don't want The Captain to come up here and yell at me. I quickly shut the door, return to the bed, and do a belly flop, burying my face in the pillow.

“Bud,” Jett repeats. I glance back at the door. I see him in his glasses, peeking in. “You okay?”

He walks into the room in his USA Hockey T-shirt and sweats, his eyes all bright, carrying a plate of food and a glass of milk.

“Dude,
do not
spill this. You know this is major house rules violation, like—I'm seriously risking my life here.” He stops next to the bed, looking down at me with a huge toothy grin. “Buddy! Good to see that smile. I made you an omelet.” He sets the plate and the glass carefully on Jack's desk.

“Thanks,” I answer. “But I'm not really hungry.”

“Not hungry?” Jett flops right on top of me, pinning me into submission. “You have a game tomorrow, man,” he whispers. “You need fuel for the rocket!”

He's playing with me. I get it. I don't fight it. Jett's body draped over mine feels like a giant human blanket. Also, I love him. He's like a big teddy bear with a lot of muscles, and I can't see his face, but I can tell by his voice he's trying to cheer me up. Jett always smells good, he smells like . . . the way the shampoo smells when you're standing in the shower and you pour it out into your hand.

He digs his elbow into my neck. “C'mon, little man, what's up, bro? No fight left?” He sits up, laughs softly, and rubs my buzzed head. I watch him stand, walk a few steps, and fall backward like a tree onto Stryker's bed. I roll over onto my back. We both stare at the ceiling in silence.

Jett sighs loudly. “How are you feelin', buddy?”

I shrug. “Been better.”

“Listen, bud,” he says. “I don't know what The Captain said for you to snap like that, but I know what it feels like when you think you've let him down.”

I can see out of the corner of my eyes that he's watching me from across the room. I don't look. I keep my eyes on the ceiling.

“You're brave, bud. You showed some stones. There's no shame in that.” Jett pauses for a moment. “You said some stuff that, to be honest, I've wanted to say. Not gonna lie. We all have, bro. I usually just keep my mouth shut.”

I turn and finally look at him. He grins with his eyes. “Look, bud, I'm old enough now to realize this—you just have to accept him for who he is. He's not gonna change. Not that it makes his crap okay, but—” He pauses for a moment. “He's hurting too, man. I know we don't talk about it, but ever since . . . ever since Mom . . .” Jett's voice wavers.

There's a minute of silence.

He gets real quiet.

“I know he can be tough, bud. But everything he does is for us. We're all he has.”

I don't even know what to say back. I never even thought of it like that. I take a really deep breath. We look at each other across the room.

“Dude.” Jett's face brightens. “What'd he say to you anyway that got you so heated?”

“Pretty much he thinks I suck,” I answer.

Jett laughs. “Well,
that
sounds real familiar.” He cracks a smile. “He's told me that before, once or twice. Bud, you should know by now, he's never satisfied. He's a maniac. But he's our dad. He loves you, man.”

“Well, he has a funny way of showing it.” I mumble that.

“Dude, it's like the four of us, man. One minute we're fighting, the next minute we're best friends. Shake it off. People are going to say what they're going to say. Me? I don't really care what anyone else thinks. I told you, bud, you have to learn to let it roll off you. Be yourself and have fun.”

“Easy for you to say,” I sigh. “You're so—”

“First of all, you're nuts!” he cuts me off. We exchange a smile. “Second of all.” Jett's eyes light up. “Dude, when I watch you on the ice . . . I don't think I have ever seen someone with the kind of talent you have. You can't teach that. The truth is, you're better than any of us. That feeling of proving yourself all the time? Use it. Let it drive you. Accept everything outside your control and go harder. Don't think about tomorrow, just think about right now.”

My insides kind of leap, and all I can think of is how much I wish Jack was here too. That he could hear this somehow. That he could know.

Jett gets up, stands, and looks down at me. “Look, man, it happened. It's over with and—”

“And what?”

Jett shrugs it off. “And don't be a knucklehead. Eat some grub,” he tells me, eyeing the plate of food he brought me. “And let's go shoot some pucks, little man.”

“But The Captain, he'll . . . I mean, aren't I in trouble?”

Jett shakes his head, letting out a smile. “Captain's not here, bud. He left for work.”

“Are you sure?” I ask.

“Dude, you're my little brother,” Jett says, his eyes fixed on me. Reaching out his hand, he pulls me to my feet. “I'll always look out for you. I love you, man.”

UNCORRECTED E-PROOF—NOT FOR SALE

HarperCollins Publishers

..................................................................

AT HOME, I SMELL LIKE
lake.

“Honey,” Summer calls up to me from the bottom of the stairs.

I look down, waiting by the banister until I see her face.

“You should really wash off.” She laughs and wrinkles up her nose. “I need to too. We both smell like—”

“Slimy lake weeds,” I finish, and laugh, picking a stringy green vine off my leg.

“Make sure to really wash your hair well,” she tells me. “Oh, I bought you some conditioner at Devon's. It's in my bathroom. Go ahead and use my tub, hon. Take a nice bath.”

A bath
.

“Okay,” I say with a shrug and a grin.
Twist my arm!

When I step into Summer's bright, sunny bathroom, my eyes kind of pop. It's, like, entirely white and really, really clean. Calming. And the tub? The tub is massive! I could fit three of me in here and there'd still be room.

It takes me a little bit to get it all dialed in: figure out the fancy faucet, holding my hand under the water till it's hot, stripping down to Elle's sun-crusted, lake-smelling underwear and bra. Waiting, watching the water slowly rise. Last, before I climb in, I pick up one of Summer's seven bottles nestled in the corner on the white tiles: “‘Love Bomb Bubble Bath, pure spruce essential oil,'” I read aloud, shrug, and quietly laugh. What the heck! I dump it right in. And
bam
! Bubbles! Instantly the air is filled with the most soothing scent, clearing my nose as I breathe it in. It smells like orange peels, plus Christmas.

I finally shut off the water and test the temperature with my toe, easing my body in nice and slow until I'm sitting like a king, surrounded by Christmas tree-scented bubbles! The water feels so good, so warm. I would never have imagined three days ago that I'd be here, soaking in a hot bath underneath a skylight. I look up through the window at the dusty blue sky, the afternoon sun. Only Summer would think of putting a window above the bathtub, right? I laugh. Awesome.

I lather up with the bar of soap and breathe it in too. It's like some sort of flowery goodness. Potent.

Okay, I'll just say it. It smells like—

Girl.

I smile, lean back, and rest my head against the edge of the tub. The water is up to my chin. I'm, like, smiling ear to ear. I mean, c'mon, man! Can you see me! In my bra, my girlie flowered undies. I've become totally soft. As Stryker would say, “Butter.” And you know what? I shake my head and laugh. It's weird, but whatever, man, I'm honestly okay with that. I learned a lot from Elle.

I play over the last three days in my mind—starting with the fight, Porter, the nurse, seeing Elle crying that first time. I think it's safe to say I've changed. We both have. It's crazy. Nothing has turned out the way I thought. I literally did not know how hard it was to be a girl. Seriously. It's not easy, it's harder than it looks!

I relax and close my eyes, and I feel this deep peace wash over me, like—somehow, everything that has happened was meant to be, and for the first time in a long time, I'm not scared, I'm not afraid. I dunk under, feel the water glide over my skin, the tingle of the heat. And as I hold my breath, smiling, under a thousand white magical bubbles—out of nowhere I feel this energy rumble through my body from my toes right through my chest. This big surge. It feels totally weird, but it feels totally good! And look, the lights don't flicker. There is no sonic BOOM! But the next thing I know, I'm—

Shooting up out of the water and it's—

Freezing frickin' cold!

It's like something out of a movie, the way I come up for air, my mouth open, water splashing, spitting out water. This rush of adrenaline shoots through my heart and I look wide-eyed all around.