The Swarm Trilogy (43 page)

Everyone dies. Those of us left behind are supposed to focus on the good times we had with our departed loved ones. I’m having trouble remembering anything good now that I know the truth. Bryden died because of the decisions I made. As far as I was concerned, I died that day too.

Chase tells me I’m still alive. He tells me that because he loves me, not because he believes it’s true. It’s the right answer to give. Unfortunately, for the last six months, everything about me was wrong. I saw the way he looked at me, unsure whether or not I’m the girl from his visions. The beautiful redhead now replaced by the hollow shell I became after Bryden’s death. I didn’t belong to either of their worlds anymore. I floated somewhere in between life and death.

The war that forced the wedge between us stalled. The Malborn retreated, promising to return when they were ready to defeat me. The Dalagans continued to hold the Fithians under their thumb. Without magic, the people who adopted me were useless to fight against those who gave birth to me. It felt as if the entire world was at a standstill. So I escaped into my own tiny existence, ignoring everyone while the emotional wounds of Bryden’s death festered inside me.

I wished for death when dusk touched the world, enveloping us in near darkness.

I lay in bed, wrapped in a blanket of my own sweat and nerves, asking anything that would listen to take me while I slept. Drifting off to sleep, never to awaken again. It would be the easiest way out. Despite everything, I was too scared to do it myself. A coward crouched, hidden deep in my soul.

I loved the one who died, but the one who lived still loved me. If I was given the choice, I’d join Bryden in death. If I had Chase’s belief in his goddess and the afterlife she promised, then I would have killed myself to be with him.

But I didn’t believe. All I knew was the pain of this world. It was hard for me to believe in the promise of rebirth in another. Why be so wasteful? If Chase’s goddess loved us so much, then why not make the life we know joyful instead of forcing us to endure tragedy before attaining a so-called paradise?

It wasn’t the type of goddess I would worship. I’d told her as much the first night she visited my dreams. The night of Bryden’s death, I couldn’t sleep. Johna offered me a draught, sure to let me slumber without nightmares.

That was when Eloh slipped into my subconscious. She whispered in my ear all night, telling me the wondrous things I could accomplish with her help. I woke up the next morning and informed Chase I’d been plagued by nightmares, that Johna’s concoction didn’t work.

Eloh entered my dreams every night after.

Three nights ago, I told her I’d only believe in her if she helped me change the world for the better.

I haven’t heard from her since.

Chapter One

I rolled over, only to find myself nose-to-nose with Chase. Every night I told him to go away. Every morning I found him curled up next to me on the floor. He held true to his promise and never tried to kiss me, but he had greater reasons for being so close.

He was afraid I would hurt myself. Even though I thought about it, I wouldn’t actually do it. But he didn’t believe me. Sometimes I wondered if he’d had a vision of me slicing my wrists.

I reached out, flicking him on the ball of his nose. His eyes popped open.

“Morning, Lianne.” He stretched out his arms. His muscles flexed, reminding me how dead I felt inside. Even when I’d been with Bryden I noticed how attractive Chase was. Now it didn’t seem to matter.

“I noticed you left out ‘good’ today.” I sat up and shook out my right arm. I must have slept on it all night. Tingles popped under my skin as feeling slowly returned. I brushed my hair back from my shoulders. Silver locks tumbled over my back. What was once a flood of hair the same color as a fall sunset was now a representation of how I’d died with Bryden.

Except I was still alive.

“Is it going to be good?” He cocked an eyebrow up at me.

“Doubtful.”

Chase reached out. For a moment I thought he was going to put his palm on my face. Instead, his hand hovered in the air. He pulled it back and ran it through his messy hair.

“Your feelings do matter, you know.”

“I’m not sure if I have feelings anymore.” I waved my hand in the air.

“I don’t believe that.”

I paused, but only for a moment, then went back to pulling my blankets off the floor and tossing them on the bed. I didn’t want anyone asking why I slept on the floor, so each morning I rumpled up the bed in my chambers.

Chase did the same, roughing up the other side of the huge bed. We’d made a silent agreement on this. If everyone in his homeland thought we were together, then they’d leave me alone. No one questioned me when I was with Chase. Even though it took away his eligibility to move on and meet another girl, I knew I needed the protection. Everyone was afraid of me, and sometimes fear led to repercussions.

Not long ago, I’d been just another girl. A sixteen-year-old with flaming red hair and bright eyes. After Bryden’s death, my magic took over. As I rained fire upon the Malborn camp, the color bled from my hair and my eyes. Now I was something out of a nightmare – silver hair and eyes so dark, they almost appeared pitch black. The black gown I preferred to wear every day didn’t soften the image.

That was fine. I didn’t want anyone near me.

Chase’s hand rested on my shoulder. “What?” I asked him.

“I wasn’t going to tell you this until later, but I thought it might cheer you up.”

“I’m not sure there’s anything that can help.” I wanted to come out of this self-induced coma. I wanted to laugh, to run, to love, but I didn’t know how anymore.

Chase sighed behind me. My shoulders drooped. I had to keep reminding myself that my pain didn’t have to transfer to him. It wasn’t fair, but it would be far easier if he would only leave me alone.

“I spoke with the stable master yesterday. He agreed to let us take out two of the horses today.”

Despite my best effort to keep it in, a snort escaped my mouth. I’d never been on a horse before and Chase knew it. At my home in Fithia, only warriors and nobility had horses. Besides, those huge stomping beasts scared me. Falling off of one could be fatal. Bryden was injured as a child in a carriage accident.

“Why take a horse when you can open up a portal to wherever it is you want to take me? A flick of the fingers is much easier than riding a horse.” There was less of a chance I’d have to interact with anyone else. In the last six months, I’d managed to avoid everyone but Chase, and an occasional visit from Johna. I didn’t need anyone else. Not even my twin sister, Sebrina. Chase told me she was living at the castle now too. I couldn’t see her. There was too much between us. Too much for me to feel sorry for. My existence only hurt hers. I didn’t want to add to the pain.

“It’s not that I want to take you somewhere specific,” he said. “I just thought it would be nice for you to get outside.”

Fresh air wouldn’t heal the hole in my heart. I needed time to distance myself from Bryden’s death. To hope the pain would recede, even just an inch, so I could consider moving on.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror across the room. It was a luxury to own a mirror in Serenia. I’d never seen one growing up in Fithia. Rumor had it King Rotlar had had one in his chambers, supposedly suspended over the bed. Now I had one in my own room, reflecting the hideous thing I’d become.

At first I’d left it covered. My reflection reminded me of Bryden’s death. Yet one day I’d stumbled across the heavy velvet fabric while crossing the room. The bolt of purple fluttered to the floor, exposing every inch of me. I couldn’t hide from myself.

I’d sat on the floor, touching my palm to my reflection in the mirror. For what seemed like hours I stared. I couldn’t reconcile the girl in the mirror with the one I’d always been. Her black eyes searched mine, inquisitive and childlike. Her silver hair draped across her shoulders, not one hint of the redness that used to reside there.

I closed my eyes and shook my head. For a moment, I’d forgotten I was looking at my reflection. My hand fell to my lap, no longer touching the girl in the mirror. The Lianne in the mirror. The one I had become.

Tears flowed out of my eyes, threatening to flood my chambers. I feared, only momentarily, that they might turn to flame again, like they did the day of Bryden’s death. Reports told us thousands of men died that day. Chase’s Malborn friend Elessia told us they left Fithia to regroup, but they would invade again. The Malborn had their eyes set on Fithia – and on finding me. I was glad we’d left, taking the danger away from the adoptive land I’d called home.

“Lianne?” Chase’s soft question yanked me back to reality. I looked at him in the mirror. He avoided looking in the mirror, not knowing I saw the wrinkles forming around his eyes. He was concerned about me. He needed to get a life.

“Fine. But if I get hurt, it’s all your fault.” I was trying to lighten the mood, but I could tell my sarcasm fell flat.

“I’ll always protect you,” he said. “Meet me out at the stables after you change. I had the maids bring some new clothes for you. They’re in the wardrobe.”

As he left, the thud of the closing door echoed in the room. I flung the wardrobe open, afraid I’d find some kind of long, flowing riding gown. I’d seen a few noblewomen riding since I arrived. They wore ridiculous riding gear. I even thought they were riding sidesaddle. The horses trotted calmly around the pasture behind the castle.

Next to three black gowns, exactly like the one I wore now, hung an outfit I couldn’t have designed except in my dreams. An opaque white shirt with poufy sleeves and ruffles around the scooped neck hung next to a red and black corset. The black leather pants tapered at the ankle, but the most exquisite part of the outfit was the red and orange hand-stitched embroidery down the side of the leather pants. Swirls of fire twirled with each other, just like the magic I had inside me. My finger ran down the length of the leg, entranced by the handiwork.

I quickly pulled the clothes on. I stepped in front of the mirror again, this time forcing my eyes to take in the entire image without anger or regret.

I was striking.

I’d never considered myself beautiful, but today, perhaps just for one moment, I could see what Bryden had seen in me. Tall, fit, strong. In the past, it was my physical strength that always gave me the most confidence. My body was sculpted into a lean and muscular silhouette. The inactivity over the last few months had softened me, but not too much.

Would another man ever find me attractive again? Now that my hair had lost its color and my eyes degraded into something of nightmares, even Chase had trouble looking at me. I could see the struggle in his eyes when he looked into mine. He forced himself not to turn away in horror. Always honorable, he knew he was my only true friend.

I spent so many months doubting him and his intentions. After Bryden’s death, he did nothing but see to my every need. I didn’t leave our chambers for the first month. Everything I needed had shown up at my doorstep, or even next to my bed while I slept.

It was all thanks to Chase. Even though he proclaimed he loved me before Bryden died, he hadn’t brought it up again since. Perhaps he no longer loved me the way he thought he did when I was just an image in his visions. Yet, he proved to be my greatest protector at a time when I could do nothing for myself without falling deeper into despair.

I yanked the riding boots over my feet and laced them tightly. I stood with my hands on my hips. I certainly looked like a seasoned rider, but I had no skills. My heart fluttered at the thought of getting on one of those beasts. Finally I tied on a black velvet drawstring bag with a small dagger inside. I didn’t really want it, but since the day Johna and Chase gave me the dagger, I couldn’t separate myself from it. It had some strange pull over me.

I breathed in through my nose and exhaled through my mouth. Within three breaths, my body relaxed into a familiar stance. I stepped forward with my right foot, bending my knee, and planting the balls of my foot firmly on the floor. At the same time, I punched with my right fist and let out a burst of air through my mouth. I followed the steps of the form, breathing, punching, stepping, until my entire body functioned as easy as the wind blew through the air. I was at one with myself and with the world for the first time in months.

My head cleared. I envisioned myself on the horse, heart and mind still, body relaxed. I could do it. I’d faced other fears and I could face this one.

As I walked out the chamber door, I couldn’t shake the image of Bryden’s accident when he was just a little boy. The horse rearing up, it’s hooves landing on Bryden’s leg. His screams of agony rang through the town. He could have died that day like his adoptive parents. Something out there saved him so he could die later because of my mistakes.

Tears formed in my eyes. I sniffled them back, determined to face the world I was still unlucky enough to live in. No matter how many nights I’d hoped for death, I was still here. I couldn’t hide forever.

Chapter Two

I pushed open the barn door. Chase groomed a horse’s mane with a wide brush. The horse nickered, nuzzling his arm. Apparently Chase had friends among the animal kingdom. It didn’t surprise me much. He could be pushy and over-protective, but I knew he had a tender side too. I’d witnessed it more than once in the last few months.