The Taming of the Shrew (11 page)

Enter Curtis

CURTIS
    Who is that calls so
coldly
¹⁰
?

GRUMIO
    A piece of ice: if thou doubt it, thou mayst slide
    from my shoulder to my heel with no greater a
run
¹²
but my
    head and my neck. A fire, good Curtis.

CURTIS
    Is my master and his wife coming, Grumio?

GRUMIO
    O, ay, Curtis, ay, and therefore
fire, fire, cast on no water
¹⁵
.

CURTIS
    Is she so
hot
¹⁶
a shrew as she’s reported?

GRUMIO
    She was, good Curtis, before this frost. But, thou
    know’st,
winter tames man, woman and beast
¹⁸
, for it hath
    tamed my old master and my new mistress and myself, fellow
    Curtis.

CURTIS
    Away, you three-inch fool! I am no
beast
²¹
.

GRUMIO
    Am I but three inches? Why, thy
horn
²²
is a foot, and
    
so long am I at the least
²³
. But wilt thou make a fire, or shall I
    complain on thee to our mistress, whose hand, she being
    now at hand, thou shalt soon feel, to thy cold comfort, for
    being slow in thy
hot office
²⁶
?

CURTIS
    I prithee, good Grumio, tell me how goes the world?

GRUMIO
    A cold world, Curtis, in every office but thine, and
    therefore fire:
do thy duty
²⁹
, and have thy duty, for my master
    and mistress are almost frozen to death.

CURTIS
    There’s fire ready, and therefore, good Grumio, the
    news.

GRUMIO
    Why, ‘
Jack, boy! Ho, boy!’ and as much news
³³
as wilt
    thou.

CURTIS
    Come, you are so full of
cony-catching
³⁵
!

GRUMIO
    Why, therefore fire, for I have caught extreme cold.
    Where’s the cook? Is supper ready, the house
trimmed
³⁷
,
    rushes
strewed
³⁸
, cobwebs swept, the servingmen in their new
    
fustian
³⁹
, the white stockings, and every officer his wedding-
    garment on? Be the
jacks
⁴⁰
fair within, the jills fair without,
    the carpets
laid
⁴¹
, and everything in order?

CURTIS
    All ready, and therefore, I pray thee, news.

GRUMIO
    First know my horse is tired, my master and mistress
    fallen out.

CURTIS
    How?

GRUMIO
    Out of their saddles into the dirt, and thereby hangs
    a tale.

CURTIS
    Let’s
ha’t
⁴⁸
, good Grumio.

GRUMIO
    Lend thine ear.

CURTIS
    Here.

GRUMIO
    There.

Strikes him

CURTIS
    This ’tis to feel a tale, not to hear a tale.

GRUMIO
    And therefore ’tis called a
sensible
⁵³
tale, and this cuff
    was but to knock at your ear, and beseech listening. Now I
    begin:
Imprimis
⁵⁵
, we came down a foul hill, my master riding
    behind my mistress—

CURTIS
    Both
of
⁵⁷
one horse?

GRUMIO
    What’s that to thee?

CURTIS
    Why, a horse.

GRUMIO
    Tell thou the tale. But hadst thou not
crossed
⁶⁰
me,
    thou shouldst have heard how her horse fell and she under
    her horse: thou shouldst have heard in how
miry
⁶²
a place,
    how she was
bemoiled
⁶³
, how he left her with the horse upon
    her, how he beat me because her horse stumbled, how she
    waded through the dirt to pluck him off me, how he swore,
    how she prayed that never prayed before, how I cried, how
    the horses ran away, how her bridle was
burst
⁶⁷
, how I lost my
    crupper, with many things of
worthy memory
⁶⁸
, which now
    shall die in oblivion and thou return
unexperienced
⁶⁹
to thy
    grave.

CURTIS
    By this reckoning he is more shrew than she.

GRUMIO
    Ay, and that thou and the
proudest
⁷²
of you all shall
    find when he comes home. But
what
⁷³
talk I of this? Call forth
    Nathaniel, Joseph, Nicholas, Philip, Walter, Sugarsop and
    the rest. Let their heads be slickly combed, their
blue
⁷⁵
coats
    brushed and their garters of an
indifferent knit
⁷⁶
. Let them
    
curtsy
⁷⁷
with their left legs and not presume to touch a hair of
    my master’s horsetail till they
kiss their hands
⁷⁸
. Are they all
    ready?

CURTIS
    They are.

GRUMIO
    Call them forth.

CURTIS
    Do you hear, ho? You must meet my master to
    
countenance
⁸³
my mistress.

GRUMIO
    Why, she hath a face of her own.

CURTIS
    Who knows not that?

GRUMIO
    Thou, it seems, that calls for company to
    countenance her.

CURTIS
    I call them forth to
credit
⁸⁸
her.

Enter four or five Servingmen

GRUMIO
    Why, she comes to borrow nothing of them.

NATHANIEL
    Welcome home, Grumio!

PHILIP
    How now, Grumio!

JOSEPH
    What, Grumio!

NICHOLAS
    Fellow Grumio!

NATHANIEL
    How now, old lad?

GRUMIO
      Welcome, you.— How now, you?—

Greets each Servingman

    What, you?— Fellow, you.— And thus much for

    greeting. Now, my
spruce
⁹⁷
companions, is all ready, and all
    things
neat
⁹⁸
?

NATHANIEL
    All things is ready. How near is our master?

GRUMIO
    E’en at hand, alighted by
this
¹⁰⁰
, and therefore be not—
    
Cock’s passion
¹⁰¹
, silence! I hear my master.

Enter Petruchio and Kate

PETRUCHIO
    Where be these knaves? What, no man at door
    To hold my stirrup nor to take my horse?
    Where is Nathaniel, Gregory, Philip?

ALL SERVINGMEN
    Here, here, sir, here, sir.

PETRUCHIO
    Here, sir, here, sir, here, sir, here, sir!
    You
logger-headed
¹⁰⁷
and unpolished grooms!
    What, no attendance? No regard? No duty?
    Where is the foolish knave I sent before?

GRUMIO
    Here, sir, as foolish as I was before.

PETRUCHIO
    You peasant
swain
¹¹¹
. You whoreson malt-horse drudge.
    Did I not bid thee meet me in the
park
¹¹²
,
    And bring along these rascal knaves with thee?

GRUMIO
    Nathaniel’s coat, sir, was not fully
made
¹¹⁴
,
    And Gabriel’s pumps were all
unpinked
¹¹⁵
i’th’heel.
    There was no
link
¹¹⁶
to colour Peter’s hat,
    And Walter’s dagger was not
come from sheathing
¹¹⁷
.
    There were none
fine
¹¹⁸
but Adam, Rafe and Gregory,
    The rest were ragged, old, and beggarly.
    Yet, as they are, here are they come to meet you.

PETRUCHIO
    Go, rascals, go, and fetch my supper in.

Exeunt Servingmen

      
‘Where is the life that late I led?
      Where are those
¹²²
—’

Sings

    Sit down, Kate, and welcome.—
Soud
¹²⁴
, soud, soud, soud!

They sit

Enter Servants with supper
    Why, when, I say? Nay, good sweet Kate, be merry.—
    Off with my boots, you rogues! You villains,
when
¹²⁶
?

A Servant takes off his boots

      
‘It was the friar of orders grey,
      As he forth walkèd on his way
¹²⁷
—’

Sings

    
Out
¹²⁹
, you rogue! You pluck my foot awry.
    Take that, and
mend
¹³⁰
the plucking of the other.

Kicks him

    Be merry, Kate.— Some
water
¹³¹
, here. What, ho!

Enter one with water
    Where’s my spaniel
Troilus
¹³²
? Sirrah, get you hence,
    And bid my cousin
Ferdinand
¹³³
come hither.—
    One, Kate, that you must kiss, and be acquainted with.—
    Where are my slippers? Shall I have some water?
    Come, Kate, and wash, and welcome heartily.—

Servant spills water

    You whoreson villain, will you let it fall?

Strikes the Servant

KATE
    Patience, I pray you. ’Twas a fault unwilling.

PETRUCHIO
    A whoreson
beetle-headed
¹³⁹
, flap-eared knave!—
    Come, Kate, sit down, I know you have a
stomach
¹⁴⁰
.
    Will you
give thanks
¹⁴¹
, sweet Kate, or else shall I?
    What’s this? Mutton?

FIRST SERVANT
    Ay.

PETRUCHIO
    Who brought it?

PETER
    I.

PETRUCHIO
    ’Tis burnt, and so is all the meat.
    What dogs are these? Where is the rascal cook?
    How durst you, villains, bring it from the
dresser
¹⁴⁸
    And serve it thus to me that love it not?
    There, take it to you,
trenchers
¹⁵⁰
, cups, and all.

Throws the meat and dishes at them

    You heedless
joltheads
¹⁵¹
and unmannered slaves!

    What, do you grumble? I’ll
be with you straight
¹⁵²
.

KATE
    I pray you, husband, be not so disquiet.
    The meat was
well
¹⁵⁴
, if you were so contented.

PETRUCHIO
    I tell thee, Kate, ’twas burnt and dried away,
    And I expressly am forbid to touch it,
    For it engenders
choler
¹⁵⁷
, planteth anger,
    And better ’twere that both of us did fast,
    Since,
of ourselves
¹⁵⁹
, ourselves are choleric,
    Than feed it with such over-roasted flesh.
    Be patient, tomorrow’t shall be mended,
    And for this night we’ll fast
for company
¹⁶²
.
    Come, I will bring thee to thy bridal chamber.

Exeunt

Enter Servants severally

NATHANIEL
    Peter, didst ever see the like?

PETER
    He
kills her in her own humour
¹⁶⁵
.

GRUMIO
    Where is he?

Enter Curtis, a servant

CURTIS
    In her chamber, making a sermon of
continency
¹⁶⁷
    to her,
    And rails and swears and
rates
¹⁶⁹
that she, poor soul,
    Knows not which way to stand, to look, to speak,
    And sits as one
new-risen
¹⁷¹
from a dream.
    Away, away, for he is coming hither.

[
Exeunt
]

Enter Petruchio

PETRUCHIO
    Thus have I
politicly
¹⁷³
begun my reign,
    And ’tis my hope to end successfully.
    My
falcon
¹⁷⁵
now is sharp and passing empty,
    And till she
stoop
¹⁷⁶
she must not be full-gorged,
    For then she never
looks upon
¹⁷⁷
her lure.
    Another way I have to
man
¹⁷⁸
my haggard,
    To make her come and know her keeper’s call,
    That is, to
watch her
¹⁸⁰
, as we watch these kites
    That
bate and beat
¹⁸¹
and will not be obedient.
    She
eat
¹⁸²
no meat today, nor none shall eat.
    Last night she slept not, nor tonight she shall not.
    As with the meat, some undeservèd fault
    I’ll find about the making of the bed,
    And here I’ll fling the pillow, there the bolster,
    This way the coverlet, another way the sheets.
    Ay, and amid this
hurly
¹⁸⁸
I intend
    That all is done in reverend care of her.
    And in conclusion she shall
watch
¹⁹⁰
all night,
    And if she chance to nod I’ll rail and brawl
    And with the clamour keep her still awake.
    This is a way to kill a wife with kindness,
    And thus I’ll curb her mad and headstrong humour.
    He that knows better how to tame a shrew,
    Now let him speak. ’Tis
charity to show
¹⁹⁶
.