The Tapping Solution for Weight Loss & Body Confidence (29 page)

To begin breaking this cycle, you need to disconnect from these rules and create healthy boundaries around your own happiness. As part of that process, imagine talking to your spouse or a family member you’ve tried to make happy. This is a different process of simply tapping and talking. You don’t ever need to say these words to that person; just imagine saying them. You can focus your tapping on one point or move to another point with every sentence. Notice if you can say these words and feel calm and peaceful. Tap through the points while saying this out loud:

I am only responsible for my own happiness. I love you, but it’s not my job to make you happy. The truth is that I can’t make you or anyone else happy; I can only make myself happy. Happiness is a choice and each of us can choose it or not. Loving and supporting you doesn’t mean I need to fix you. I have faith in your abilities and in your spiritual journey. I trust that you will make the right decisions for you. I let go of the need to make you happy. I choose to be happy now and love you.

Carrying the Weight of the World

As naturally intuitive, compassionate, and caring people, we often feel other people’s pain, and then we allow ourselves to feel responsible for their happiness. When we feel like we have to be martyrs and carry the weight of the world on our shoulders, that weight may physically appear on the body.

While our intentions may be loving, we need to understand that our ability to feel compassion doesn’t mean that we need to take on other people’s pain. We’re not helping ourselves or anyone else by overgiving. Feeling hurt when someone else feels hurt doesn’t lessen their pain. Being angry when someone else is angry doesn’t lead to a resolution.

The world doesn’t need us to be martyrs. The world needs our gifts. It needs our intelligence, our laughter, and yes, our love, but not love that looks and feels like self-sacrifice. The world needs us to take care of ourselves so we can shine brightly and inspire others to do the same. And again, we can’t give others what we ourselves don’t have. We can’t spread peace, love, or hope if we haven’t experienced those things ourselves.

Have Faith in Others’ Journeys

As we begin setting healthy boundaries and stop taking on other people’s pain, we sometimes need to let go and have faith that the people we love will find their own way. I learned that lesson with a friend of mine. Whenever I saw her struggling and suffering, I jumped in to try to help, but the more I tried to help, the more she retreated. She didn’t want my help.

Over time I learned to question my own intentions, and I realized that by jumping in to solve her problems, I had violated her boundaries.
Who am I to pretend I know the answer for her?
I wondered.
How can I pretend to know how she should live her life?
As I let go of the idea that her life should be a certain way, I began to trust that she could handle her own journey. It wasn’t always easy. Many times I found myself wanting to “save” her from the pain I’d been through, but then I’d remind myself that the best way I could support her was to have faith in her ability and simply let her know I was there for her if she needed me.

When we let go of how we think people “should” behave and how the world “should” be, we can let go of the weight of the world. This only happens when we have faith in something greater than ourselves. We can’t be the master of the universe; we can only learn to dance with the ever-changing beat and do our best to enjoy ourselves. The more we try to “fix” things, the more we run ourselves into the ground. In the moment, we can never know the greater picture, but we can still trust that things will work out. Some of the hardest times in my life ended up being the biggest blessings because I learned so much from them. When we allow ourselves to really see the value of our challenges, we can have faith in other people’s ability to undergo similar experiences. We can support them without asking them to behave in a way that satisfies our own needs or desires.

When we are able to truly trust, we unburden ourselves and other people in a healthy and loving way that also allows us to take better care of ourselves, not just physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. The lightness we feel in spirit then begins to show up on the body.

The Power of No

When Ann, a registered nursing assistant, first heard her voice mail message, her stomach dropped. She had missed the call while swimming after work, which was the result of her intention to take more time for self-care. The call she had missed was a request from her office to come into work on her day off. After listening to it, she felt conflicted. While she could use the money and had always said yes when people needed her, she also felt that she needed time for herself.

After doing some tapping, Ann realized that she needed to take her scheduled day off. Feeling nervous about saying no, she tapped again before returning the call and then gracefully explained that she wouldn’t be able to come in on that day. The office secretary responded, “Oh Ann, you’re breaking my heart.” To her surprise Ann replied, “Sorry I can’t help. I’m sure it will work out.”

Ann was shocked when she hung up the phone. She couldn’t believe she had stood her ground. But as doubts began to creep in, she repeated the words “Oh Ann, you’re breaking my heart” while tapping. She said those words until they no longer triggered her in any way. She felt proud of herself for saying no.

Ann hadn’t made any plans for her day off, but after she said no to working that day, a friend invited her on a sunset cruise. Because she’d succeeded in preserving her day off, Ann was able to say yes to a fun and pleasurable experience. Her body was soon coursing with healthy hormones!

Like Ann, many other clients share that they feel like they can’t say no to requests, even when saying yes comes at the expense of their health and well-being. For me the fear of saying no showed up in an unexpected way. I was afraid that if I lost weight, and as a result became successful (at this time I still believed that being thin meant I would be successful), life would change. Not being able to say no created a fear of success. I worried that if I went for my dreams, things would move too fast. I was afraid of getting overwhelmed and not being able to keep up.

When we don’t know how to create healthy boundaries by saying no, parking ourselves in front of the TV with a box of cookies often feels safer than going for what we want and need. Because we don’t feel we can say no, going for our dreams, however big or small, can feel like driving at full speed without brakes. When we crash, we turn to food once again, this time hoping to soften the blow while complaining about the unfairness of it all. After all, we tried
so hard
and look what happened.

If we are not able to say no in the first place, we’ve set ourselves up for failure and burnout. When we allow ourselves to use that brake and say no, we can slow down, stop, and when needed, change directions. We no longer need to turn to food for relief because we feel more in control of our lives.

While we may fear that saying no will lessen our success and damage our relationships, we often find, as I did, that the opposite is true. When we can say no in a positive and caring way, we’re able to replenish ourselves and shine our own light.

Learning to Say No

Saying no when we need to replenish ourselves is something that most of us, including me, continue to work on, even once we’ve seen how powerful it is. For me, when I’m uncertain about something, it’s easy to fall back into my old “good girl” pattern of saying yes to please others. It happens less often now than it used to, but when I do catch myself being that “good girl,” I give myself permission to change my mind and say no instead.

To help you say no when you feel you need to, here are some great tips from Cheryl Richardson’s
The Art of Extreme Self-Care
on how to respond to requests:

• Buy some time.
  Instead of immediately saying yes, gently let them know you’ll get back to them.
  
• Do a gut check.
  Giving yourself some time to think gives you a chance to check in with yourself and figure out what’s the best answer for you.
  
• Tell the truth directly—with grace and love.
  When it’s time to say no, make sure to be honest while also being loving and gracious. Express your appreciation and thanks for the invitation or offer you were given, and then be honest about why it doesn’t work for you. You don’t need to go into extreme detail with your explanation; just give them a reason why you can’t say yes.
  

Let’s do some tapping now on learning to say no.

Imagine a friend, co-worker, or family member asking for something. They need your help but you know that saying yes is going to be very taxing on your emotional and physical health. Imagine saying, “No, I’m sorry I can’t help you this time.” Does that create any panic in your body? Does any emotion or belief come up when you imagine yourself saying no? Take note of those feelings and thoughts and write down their intensity on a scale of 0 to 10.

Karate Chop:
Even though I feel this panic at the thought of saying no, I love and accept myself. (
Repeat three times.
)
Eyebrow:
I can’t say no.

Side of Eye:
Part of me really wants to say no.

Under Eye:
Part of me wants to say yes.

Under Nose:
I like saying yes, but I’m burned out.

Chin:
I want to be helpful but not at the expense of my health.

Collarbone:
Finding balance by saying no.

Under Arm:
But what if they get mad at me?

Top of Head:
I give a voice to my fears now.

Continue expressing your fears around saying no while you tap. Get specific. Are you scared of their response? What scenario are you playing in your mind? Continue tapping as you get clearer. When the emotional intensity is 5 or lower, begin incorporating these positive tapping statements.

Eyebrow:
If it’s not a clear yes, then it’s a no.

Side of Eye:
I begin to care more about what I think.

Under Eye:
I find a graceful way to say no.

Under Nose:
This is easier than I thought.

Chin:
The more I respect my time …

Collarbone:
The more others respect my time.

Under Arm:
As I say no to someone else …

Top of Head:
I say yes to myself.

Take a deep breath and check in with how you feel. Measure the intensity again and continue tapping until you experience relief.

The Cycle of Guilt and Resentment

Evelyn is a single mother of a five-year-old and a full-time social worker who lives with her elderly parents on their farm because her dad is in a wheelchair and needs more help than her mother can provide. She is also responsible for taking care of the many animals on the farm. When Evelyn says she doesn’t have time for self-care, even I hesitate to argue with her!

Understandably, when she began my class Evelyn felt exhausted and depleted. In the rare moments when she could stop and relax, she became overwhelmed with guilt, thinking of all the things she needed to get done. She felt resentful of the people she loved and then guilty for feeling resentful.

As much as Evelyn disliked having these feelings, she couldn’t seem to find her way out of the cycle of guilt about not doing more and resentment when she did. She loved her family and her job and wanted to be able to enjoy her life. When she began tapping for 10 to 15 minutes a day during the course, she realized that in fact she could make some time for herself each day; even a few minutes here and there added up.