The Thing Itself (19 page)

With such Foule chances, I grew to the fullness of Despond, &d wished myself dead many times. I would have carried this co[u]rse through, I bethink me now, had not first decided upon Going Away from that Place, &d making off for a Soldier or Sailor-man. During the day, with Mistress
Anne’s
Eyes upon me I was without the chance to slip away, but one Night, a few weekes since I came first to that House, I was resolv’d with myself to begonne from theere. I folded my blanket, for it was
Winter
still, &d I had bethought me not to freeze in the iciness. But I could not pass through the house, for Mistress Anne had locked the door of my roome. But I could pass through the window, like a Cat, &d so I made my way onto the fore-roof of the House. I was a great height up, &d the sky was blue-blacke, &d the starres had cupp’d their Hands around their chill candle flames. I felt my path forward for a little way, with the icy winde pawing me &d licking me, turning my skinn to stone &d making me numb. I tried to unfold the Blanket, but the
Winde
caught it &d flung it from me. I went a little way on, but when my fingers fumbled at the precipice, &d I knew fear at the gap, not knowing which way to proceed. With difficulty I crawled backwards to the window, thinking to get back inside &d give up the
Escape
til a better weather were come: but I found the window had banged shut &d I could not raise it. At this my fear grew, for it seem’d to me that
God
had decided to punnish me for my undoubted
wickedness
by having his Terrible Gales come &d plucke me from the roof &d dash me to fragments on the stone-paving beneath. For a long time I clung to the roof, as the Winde &d the Hail cut through to my Bone &d Blood. Then I bethought me to finde the Blanket, by following the way of the Winde, that I might at least rappe myself in it. To this end I was obliged to Climb the Slant of the roof as it mounted over the Attick: but the
Tyles
being slippery with the Hail I slid down, &d fell.

Ah! Great was my
Terror
at this, the Plunge seeming to bring my Bowells into my Throat, &d I scream’d as I descended, albeit none heard my cries with the
Storme
now raging, Gales &d Hailstones. My fall lasted aeternities after, for on recalling it I felt like
Lucifer
, dropping Downwards through the airey Firmament of God’s displeasure. In my remembrance, then, the fall continu’d
on &d on
, with my never striking the ground, nor every being releas’d from the Eccho of my own howling, the Hiss of the Wind, or the Nips of the hailstones. In Truth, no doubt, I fell but an instant, &d struck the upper-branches of a
Tree
that grew in the Garden of my
Lord
the Judge’s house. These Branches pummel’d me somewhat, &d rolled me about like a Pat of butter in the churn. I came down the tree by degrees, Accumulating many Bruises as I passed, &d then I collapsed at last on the
grasse
in a state of Great Distress.

I lay for a time, but the Hail was Strong now &d the Wind chiller, so that I Resolv’d I would face the Wrath of Mistress
Anne
sooner than freeze to death in the Garden. So I made my way Pickingly through the dark to the Back Door, &d theere I struck the Door with my puny fist, &d shouted fit to unsettle the Dead. At last
Pamela
, an under-maid who slept in the Kitchen, called quavringly through
Who was theere at this time of Night?
&d I answered sobbing with Cold, that she should
Fetch Mistress Anne
, that it was
I, Master Thomas
, &d that I earnestly begged admittance. She was so long about raising Mistress
Anne
that I would have Shiver’d myself into the very King of Agues, &d froze quite dead if leaft another minutes; but that I heard the Bolts undrawing, &d the door opening; &d theere was
Anne
with a carving-knife demanding who goes theere.

When she discovert it was only me, she grew Hard with rage &d beat me, notwithstanding my Bruis’d &d Froze condition. She woke Patrick, the footman, &d baden him
Watch the boy whilst she rouz’d the Master
, for she believed that if I were to abscond she herself would be dealt Hardly by my
Lord
the Judge, &d that accordingly she had a Duty to act as Prison Warder to me. Patrick was much daz’d with being woke at this hour, &d he held the candle very ill, for wax splash’d on his own bare feet &d he roar’d with the paine. He withdrew to wash his foot &d I was left alone: but escape was very far from my thoughts now. I was so cold &d shiveringly, so Aching with my bruises, that I curled in the floor &d Wept &d Rocked myself.

When my
Lord
the Judge came down he was first much worried for my dreadful state, but after he grew wrathful that I had tried to run away &d Rag’d such that even Mistress
Anne
withdrew a little. He promis’d me all manner of torture if I tried such againe, &d dragged me whimpering forth from the corner to slap me with the Back of his Hand. Then he soften’d, &d held me like a baby, Notwithstanding that I resisted, &d coo’d at me to calm me. Finally he instructed Anne to lock me in the Cellar, but added that I was to be granted the Grace of a new blanket. I was Transported downstairs, &d in the dark I fell asleep with my Back againest a Barrell.

In the morning I awoke to the Cellar, which was Gray with umber-light only, &d I shivered &d cryed to myself, for all my boddie ach’d &d pain’d me, &d I could trace Scratche &d Bump upon my skinn. Then I bethought me what would happen, &d what torture my
Lord
the Judge might inflict upon me. At length the door ope’d, &d down came Patrick, carrying a cot &d a candle.
Heere’s for you, master
, he sayed,
you’ll sleep heere now, I warrant. Ye’ll not be able to Fly from your bolt-hole now, will ye?

I wept forsooth, &d begged Patrick to take Pity on me, but he only shook his head mournfully.

He placed the cot agaynst the Wall, &d placed the candle on the floor beside, fixing it with a Spot of waxe. Then he left, &d I tried to find it in my heart to be Thankful to
GOD
that I had been given a lamp to light my Gloome. But the flickering of the candle-light wash’d upon the corners &d crannies of the Cellar, &d I bethought me I saw the tails of Rats disappearing behind Barrells, &d into cracks in the wall, &d I became much more Fearful. I began to howl, like an animal, for
GOD
had abandoned me &d Retreated into the Temple of his Righteousness, &d heere was a Desart of Sin, &d I was abandoned in it.

But the crying brought no
succour
, so I fell quiet, &d began rocking forards &d back, &d this comforted me some.

When my
Lord
the Judge ope’d the door &d came down the steps carrying a lantern &d a canteen of Water, I was no longer able ev’n to be Fearful, &d I did meerly rock forards &d back, &d sang to myself in a small voyce. My
Lord
the Judge sat on the hindmost step &d look’d at me.

My boy, my boy
he spake eventually.
What devill whisper’d to you to Leap from the Window? Didst think thou couldst Flie?

I could not say.

God gave you life
, said my
Lord
, his voice dark with melancholy.
Dost think it is yours to cast away?

Oh my lord,
I said at last,
I am so very unhappy
.

Yet wheerefore?
said he.

I bethought me for a while, but my witts were tumbling so that I could not frame a proper answer.
I am afeared theere are Rats in this place, my lord
I said.

Tush
he said.
Theere are no rats my boy
.

&d Mistress Anne uses me so cruel
, I broke out weeping.

How so, lad?
he sayeth.

She holds my food back &d methinks sells it to others
, I say, but my tongue is babbling &d cannot be contained.
She beats me from time to time, &d brings in fretwork for me to toil at, yet she pockets the money earned theereby. She tooke away my penny that you gave me—

My
lord
looked at me for a long time, &d spoke some wordes of Promise, that Mistress
Anne
would be punished. Then he came to my side &d, tho I flinch’d, he stretched my body out to lye flat upon the floor. Heere he took away my cloathes, &d I began trembling &d shivering, tho not with the cold, but with fearful anticipation. But heere my
lord
did not lay with me, but took the Canteen of water &d splash’d his sleave, &d rubbed the Dirt from my skinn. He then took out some
Oil
from a small bottle he carried about his person, &d rubb’d this same upon my
Bruises
. The pain diminish’d somewhat, albeit not being altogether gone. All this time he was
cooing
&d saying soothing matter, &d I was weeping with Great Pity of myself. Heere my
lord
left me, taking the lantern but leaving the Water for my Thirst. I lay
Naked
, for a length of time. My mind suffer’d fearfully at this time. My sense of abandonment by
GOD
was now most Profound, &d I Wept tears
Bitter
as Lemmon-Juice in my
Eyes
. I lay Friendless, my soule
Ruin’d
beyond hopes of redemption, quite without hopes of Deliverance from mine Persecutors. In my state of Savageness I fell to alternately
Pleading
&d after
Railing
at
GOD
; first begging him to release me from the State of Agony, &d after wishing fearsome Imprecations upon the
Godhead
for punishing so terribly a small boy who had never the
chance
to sinne so manifestly as to merit such treatment. But I recall’d my Church-going, that the sinne was not mine, but
Adam’s
, &d that all soules are born blacker than Coal, &d liable for the
Fiery Pit
by merest virtue of breathing, all on account of
Adam’s theft
. But at this thought I began inwardly cursing
Adam
, instead of Humbly praying to
GOD
for forgiveness.

The following Day Mistress
Anne
came down upon me, &d I was greatly afeared lest she should wish to Punish me for speaking of her to my
lord
. Indeed, she did looke Darkly upon me, but she strucke me not, nor us’d me ill, but bade me gather up my blanket &d come along with her. When I ask’d her whither we tended she said
Away, &d a good riddance
.

Wheere away, Mistress Anne?
I asked, for the thought made me to tremble anew, for if I were cast into the Street then I would surely starve.

Away into a coache is all I know
, she said,
&d that suffices me
.

Into the hall, with me blinking &d winking at the daylight, I was met by a coachboy &d a Serving-butler. This last was a great tall man, who
Grinn’d
at me like as I was a morsel of food, &d I trembled againe. But he saw me into the coach &d sat opposite me, forever keeping his Eye upon me, &d from time-a-time Grinning some more. When the coach started away I called upon my Courage &d in weake tones begged the Man tell me what was to become of me.

Why, little sprat?
he cried in a great loud Voice, such that I trembled.
Do ye not know?

No, sir,
I pleaded.
&d I am greatly afeared that you will do away with my miserable life, &d I call on you to be merciful in the name of GOD in Heaven
.

He laught at this, til verily I bethought him a very Grinning
Devill
. But then he spoke more kindly, that
we were bound for my Lord the Judge’s House in the Countryside West of the Citie, wheere it was peaceful &d the air fragrant with the coming blossom
.

Wheerefore does my Lord wish me to remove to this House?
I asked, but at this the Grinning man spoke not, but wrapped his arms together over his chest &d Ey’d me.