The Ties that Bind (Kingdom) (9 page)

Chapter 10

When Steve realized that he was unable to get Hope to come out of her room and speak with him, his body began to shut down. Yet sleep still eluded him.

Using the time he spent preparing Destiny’s room, Steve thought about all that Hope had just revealed to him. She had told him about some parts of her life and the rest he had pieced together having met her parents. However, he had never known that she had a sibling, nor in his wildest dreams had he imagined that she felt she was the reason for his death. Another part of her revelation that remained with him was her feelings towards Aviva. He knew how much Hope cared about Aviva, so hearing her express her jealousy of her was yet another element of how much Hope had to work through. He also knew without a doubt that he couldn’t begin to fathom the nuances of all Hope held bottled up within her.

In a flash Steve’s mind moved on, and he realized that he couldn’t understand how Hope’s parents had allowed their only living child to carry around this level of responsibility for the death of her brother. He was still unsure of when the tragedy had taken place, but he was sure there was a reasonable explanation for M.J.’s death. All he had to do now was somehow pull the facts out of her.

Settling into bed against clean sheets, Steve closed his eyes and immediately thoughts of his parents sprung into his mind. They had both been psychologists, and he wished they were still alive. They would have known how to deal with a situation like the one that now confronted him.

Steve wasn’t a man given to the outward demonstration of his feelings. In this, he and Jason were very similar. They both tended to internalize their feelings. But over the years they had at least had each other to bounce ideas off.

Since the weekend of his wedding, he knew he and Jason had grown apart. The gulf that separated them seemed only to be getting wider, and he knew it was his fault. Jason hadn’t done anything wrong, this whole mess was down to Hope. While intellectually he knew and registered this, emotionally he still had some way to go. The litany began again. It had been the same since his aborted wedding day.
My brother and my fiancée please no... not my brother and the woman I love
.

Years earlier

Steve, in his childlike way, had decided he would reserve judgment of the kid that was coming to stay with them. His parents had told him about the boy they were bringing home, but he knew they had left much unsaid.

When Jason arrived he at first thought they had collected the wrong child. He knew they were supposed to be the same age, but the kid was little, with a head full of blonde curls that at a distance made him look like a girl. As he walked closer to the kid he could see that while he had the face of a cherub there was no doubt that he was a boy.

It was almost as though Jason knew what he had been thinking and his eyes changed in an instant. Gone was the blank look now replaced with something that reminded Steve of a challenge. It was almost as though the kid had issued a warning with just one look.

“Hi, my name's Steve, and this is Dog. I waited for you to come so that we could name him together.” Steve said, pointing to a mutt of indistinguishable pedigree, who at that moment was busy chewing on one of his father's dress shoes. “He kinda likes Dad’s shoes. Mom says it’s the odor that attracts him.”

“Oh, she does, does she?” His father had boomed. Steve was watching the new kid closely, so he saw how Jason stiffened and how his fists had clenched, ready for a fight. Jason’s defensiveness at the loudness of his father's gusto had further cemented his willingness to get to know this kid, he seemed like he needed a friend.

“Don't worry, he always shouts. Mom says it’s because he was an only child, and he spent too much time alone as a kid. Therefore the shouting is just a manifestation of being around adults who believed that children should be seen and not heard. Oh, yeah, and so now he’s in love with the sound of his own voice.” As he had been coming to the end of his spiel, Steve had directed Jason's eyes to his hand hanging at his side. Giving Jason a conspiratorial wink, his fingers gave the last of his five-second countdown. The appearance of his last finger coincided in perfect unison with another boom of his father's voice.

“Lorna!”

“Oh, hush. You know we love you, Howard. Jason, honey, don't you worry about the noise. You'll get used to it soon enough. Until then, Steve will show you where we keep the earplugs for when his father gets loud.”

“The least a man should expect in his own home is the respect of his family. Jason, as you can see, I'm still working on that expectation.”

His father had then walked over to his mother and given her a kiss on the lips. Steve had rolled his eyes and made a gagging sound that his parents ignored.

Steve had watched Jason as he had continued to stare at his parents’ show of affection as though he had never seen anything like it before.

“It's okay, they do that all the time. You'll get used to it.” Steve had said with a smile, his voice pulling Jason's eyes back to him.

“Lorna!”

Three pairs of eyes had flashed in the direction of Howard’s stare. Dog was peeing against his shoe. Steve and his mother had let out roars of laughter. Jason had stepped back and raised his hands, ready to protect himself, and that was it. It happened that quickly. From one moment to the next he had accepted the little boy with the belligerent expression. A boy who was afraid of laughter.

**********

In his thirty-four years, Steve had only ever accepted two people so readily. First Jason and much later on, Hope. In under an hour of meeting them both, he had somehow recognized that they were flawed, and he had accepted them. Subconsciously believing that he could somehow aid in the repair of whatever they had gone through. He hadn’t given up on Jason, and through the years his actions had paid off. Hope, on the other hand, was a different matter, she had very nearly destroyed him.

From as early as he could remember, his parents had always taught him and Jason that they should know and face their fears, as well as their deepest desires. Through this knowledge of self, they had told them, they would always be able to recognize the actions of others that would try to use their wants and desires against them.

What they had failed to tell him was how he would feel when his greatest desire and his greatest fear were one and the same thing, being alone. He had always wanted a big family, and his level of disappointment when Hope had told her that she didn’t want children had nearly made him walk away. Somehow he had persuaded her, and she had agreed to have one child. For him, this was a start, and at the time he hadn’t given up on the idea that he could change her mind about having more.

He wanted almost more than anything to have children. To have another human being on the earth with whom he shared a blood connection. When he had walked in on Hope and Jason he had felt devastation like no other, and the loss of that part of his dream was another blow.

The final straw was arriving home after one day to be confronted by a man who looked exactly like Jason and another whose resemblance to them couldn’t be denied. He had made a joke of the situation but inside it was just another twist to his mounting fear. Where did this leave him,
who
did that leave him with? He had just lost Hope and a day later, Jason, who he thought of as his only family.

Turning over, Steve pushed the melancholy thoughts from his mind. He was in London for a reason, to get answers. All the other distractions would have to take their place in the queue that was currently stacked up in his mind.

**********

Unable to sleep, Hope rose from her bed, walked into the second bedroom, and stood looking down at a sleeping Steve. He was so handsome, and for a moment she held her breath. Hope still had very deep feelings for this man. She had made a disastrous miscalculation, and was now paying the price; the greatest of which was the loss of his affection.

Looking down at Steve, Hope realized just how much she loved him. She also now knew that she would do whatever it took to have him back in her life, loving her again the way he used to.

If, in the end her actions were too much for him to forgive, she would have to accept that. But she wasn’t going down without the fight of her life. She knew an ember of care was still alive within him because he had answered Destiny’s call. The actual nature of what he was feeling was a question for the future. Taking one last look at a seemingly exhausted Steve, Hope retreated as quietly as she had come.

Pulling her raincoat from the rack in the hallway, Hope opened the front door and went outside. Inhaling, she looked up and down the street before crossing the road to the little area of green that faced the apartment. Sitting on a slightly damp bench, she watched ducks glide gracefully across the water of the small pond. Hope pushed all disquieting thoughts from her mind in an attempt to relax her troubled mind. The ducks looked so graceful in their majestic glide, yet everyone knew that just below the surface, their webbed feet were in frantic motion. This was an apt analogy of exactly how she felt; an outward serenity masking the frantic turmoil of her emotions hidden just below the surface.

Easing her head backward, Hope closed her eyes to allow the gentle rays of the early morning sun to touch her face. A shadow passed over her, detected even through her closed lids.

“Do you mind if I join you?” Steve asked.

“I don’t mind. I’m sorry, did I wake you?”

“I woke when you closed the front door. But it doesn’t matter. I needed to be getting up. How do you feel this morning?”

“I feel... I don’t know how I feel, or at least it’s difficult to explain.”

“Try.”

Hope sat quietly for a few moments. Her thoughts jumbled. The more she tried to maneuver them into accord the more the act defeated her.

“I feel lonely. I miss, Aviva. I miss you,” Hope finished with a small swallow, her eyes leaving the water. Uncaring if he saw the pathetic look she knew was reflected in her eyes, Hope waited for Steve to comment. When it came, it wasn’t what she had been expecting.

“Now that we’ve both had some rest, I need you to finish telling me about your brother.”

Taken aback by his lack of response to her declaration of missing him, Hope again fixed her gaze on the water. She wasn’t sure what she had expected. The old Steve would have at least acknowledged her confession. This new Steve acted as though he hadn’t even heard her words.

In that moment, Hope was acutely aware of the change in him. Somehow he appeared harder. It was almost as though the light that always shone within his eyes had been turned off. No doubt this too was her fault.

Seeing him, as he now was, this strong and honorable man looked almost defeated by what she had done. Hope knew she somehow had to correct the way she had treated him, what she had taken away from him. She just didn’t know how.

“Nothing more to tell, he died, and I’m the cause. End of story.” Anyone listening to her would have thought her blasé. Nothing could have been further from the truth. Hope’s stomach was twisted into so many knots she felt bile rise up into her throat.

This was why she had stopped talking the night before. It was always the same. Her parents had tried to convince her that her brother’s death was not her fault. But she had heard their quarrel about the tragedy. She had also heard her mother’s pronouncement of where the blame should be laid. Thinking back, Hope was sure that was the moment she realized that her mother hated her.

“How old were you when M.J. died, Hope?”

“Eight.”

“You were eight years old and you were left alone with your younger brother in a swimming pool?” Steve asked, incredulous with shock at the irresponsibility of her parents. “Something doesn’t sound right here. Are you telling me that your parents told you that you were to blame, a child of eight, for the death of her brother? What parent does that?”

“They didn’t tell me exactly. I heard them discussing it. One night I heard my mother tell my father that I was to blame. That it was my fault that M.J. died.”

**********

Steve couldn’t believe what he was hearing, neither could he reconcile such a callous comment with the deeply sad woman he had come to know. The same woman who looked at her daughter with such love and pride, while her daughter remained distant. Holding her in disdain while giving all of her affection to her father.

At some point, Steve had begun to liken Taryn to a homeless waif, her nose pressed against the window, always an observer yet longing to be a part of the happy family that resided within.

Something didn’t sit right with him. While he wanted nothing more than to get up and walk away, the dynamics of operating with Hope’s family stopped him. “Are you sure you heard your mother say those words? Could it have been something your subconscious conceived as a means of coping with your brother’s death?”

“I know what I heard, Steve. Anyway, my father confirmed it. Not right away. I didn’t ask any questions right away. But something happened after the funeral, I don’t know what. But something changed, Dad changed. Up until that point he’d been present, but he didn’t actually pay me that much attention.

After M.J. died it was like he wanted to pour everything into me. I was so happy when that happened. My mother hated me, but I didn’t care because my father loved me.”

“Your father told his little girl that she was responsible for the death of her brother?” Steve asked, shock alive in his voice.

“Of course he didn’t say that!”

“Hope, stop talking in circles, and tell me what was said.” Steve was rapidly losing his patience. He could also tell that his tone was pissing her off, and at the moment, he couldn’t care less.

“There had been lots of people in our house that day. I didn’t like that they all wore black and carried expressions of sadness. For the most part, I didn’t even know who they were. I remember both sets of my grandparents were there ignoring each other. They never came to visit when the other would be around. At the time, I didn’t understand or even question why. It had always been that way.