The Tin Box (10 page)

I do still want you to rescue me, my love. The insulin didn’t cure me. Sometimes during those lost months I’d almost dream of you, as if you were a ghost flitting through my sleep.

Sometimes I almost believe that I am insane and you were never real.

The man in the cell next to me screams and cries all night. I heard the staff saying that he was a soldier, that he lost his mind in the Great War and never found it again. Twenty years, Johnny. He’s been here twenty years. I would never survive so long.

Do you remember the first time we met? Of course you do. Nobody’s stealing bits of you. My father had hired you to deliver a load of furniture from the train station to the store, and the train was late so he made me stay to wait for you. You laughed when I tried to help you carry that heavy table and I wanted to be angry with you but you were far too handsome for that. Do you regret that evening now? Do you wish it had been Edward there instead, Edward who would have easily helped with the carrying and who would not have blushed at your gaze?

I’m glad it was me.

Don’t, don’t let them steal you from me.

Yrs always,

Bill

W
ILLIAM
’
S
cell phone beeped a few minutes before noon and he startled violently. He’d been jumpy all morning. He hadn’t been able to get any work done at all and instead had restlessly paced the hospital grounds. There was a surprising amount of wildlife. Birds and bugs mostly, but also squirrels and lizards, and once he saw a garter snake disappearing into some overgrown grass. He wondered if there had been so many creatures around back in Bill’s day, and whether Bill had the chance to see them through his window or during his courtyard outings.

Eventually, William went back inside and showered. He wasn’t sure what clothing was appropriate for a pornography lesson and, after rejecting the sport coat and tie, ended up choosing his khaki shorts and gray tee. He fussed with his hair before giving up on it.

He felt stupid.

And that was when his phone beeped and he leapt wildly. “Hello?” he said, a little breathlessly.

“I’m at the gate. Come let me in.”

William jogged out of his apartment, down the hall, and out the front door. After he ran through the parking lot and then turned the corner, he saw a figure on the other side of the gate. Colby was straddling a bicycle and waving at him.

“You rode over?” William asked as he unlocked the gate.

“Told you. My car’s DOA. Besides, it’s good exercise.” He hopped off the bike, waited for William to lock back up, and then wheeled the bike as they walked to the main building.

Colby turned his head from side to side as they went, taking a good look around. “We used to dare each other to break in here when I was a kid, but I don’t know anyone who actually did. The place is supposed to be haunted. Have you seen any ghosts?”

William was going to tell him that there was no such thing, but that wasn’t really true, was it? Bill’s spirit might not be floating around in a bedsheet, yet he’d been haunting William ever since the discovery of the tin box. “Nope,” William said.

Colby looked a little disappointed. “But isn’t it kind of scary at night, when you’re here all alone?”

“Not really. It’s a sad place, Colby, not a frightening one.”

“Yeah, I guess so. How come they closed it down? I mean, did there used to be more crazy people or something?”

“No. But they invented drugs to treat mental illness, and they ended up deinstitutionalizing most people. Except a lot of people don’t get the meds or outpatient care they’re supposed to, and then they end up homeless or in prison.”

Colby nodded. “Yeah. There were a lot of those people in San Francisco. That used to scare me to death, seeing those street people. I mean, what if that was me someday? Not that I’m nuts or anything, but I guess I could be. Anyone could be.”

William nodded. “And the definition of mental illness changes, so what’s considered sane at one time and place….”

They continued the rest of the way in silence. Colby left the bike leaning against the wall near the front door. He looked around curiously as they walked inside.

“Want the tour?” asked William.

“Not yet.” Colby grinned and punched him lightly on the arm. “I bet you’re kinda nervous, and I’m thinking maybe you’ll only get more anxious, so we might as well get down to business first.”

“Business?” William’s throat clicked when he swallowed.

Colby looked at him expectantly, and William led them down the hall to his apartment. Once inside, Colby took a few minutes to look around. He made approving noises over the bookshelves and pronounced the tiny kitchen adorable. Back in the main room, he spun around slowly. “I love how it’s cozy but you have all this space too.”

“It’s… it’s okay.”

“Will, I am twenty-seven years old and I’m living in my grandparents’ spare bedroom. I get around on a bicycle. Basically, I’m right back where I was when I was twelve.
This
is way more than okay.”

“You’re twenty-seven?”

“Ah, but my buoyant enthusiasm makes me seem much younger. How old are you?”

“Thirty-two,” William answered, a little morosely.

“Ancient.” Colby rubbed his hands together. “Shall we begin, Padawan?”

“Um, I guess.”

Colby sighed theatrically. “We’re not preparing for your execution, Will. This is supposed to be fun. And you have a faithful and trusty guide. Jeez, when I first started exploring this stuff I was, like, thirteen and on my own, and I stumbled into some stuff that scared the crap out of me.” He held up his hand in a Boy Scout salute. “I solemnly swear to steer you towards the really vanilla stuff to begin with. Unless you want spicy.”

William had a headache. “Vanilla,” he mumbled.

“Excellent.” Colby skipped across the room, plopped down on the chair in front of the laptop, and twisted around to look at William. “Come on over. I promise I won’t bite.”

With considerable trepidation, William scooted a chair beside him and sat down. He felt ridiculous. He was quite capable of finding Internet porn on his own. Except, well, he’d always avoided it. And the truth was, it was kind of exciting to be inches away from Colby, who smelled like cinnamon gum and newly mown grass and who grinned wickedly at him.

Colby tip-tapped at the keyboard. But before he surfed away from William’s home page, he turned to look at him. For once, his face was solemn. “You know, this isn’t mandatory. If you wanna skip the porn thing we can just hang out.”

“I don’t—”

“You look like I’m about to waterboard you.” Colby set a hand on William’s bare knee. He set it lightly, yet his fingertips sent electric thrills through William’s nervous system. William stopped himself from jerking away, but was aware that the expression on his face was probably approaching full-on panic.

The last time he’d watched porn was when his parents had sent him to that terrifying therapist. The man had fastened on the electrodes and then stuck a videotape into the VCR. As soon as the naked men in the video were deeply into their kiss, the therapist had flipped a switch and— No. That was a long time ago. There was no machine now, and no frighteningly misguided therapy. Just Colby with his optimism, his kindness, and his sweet smile.

“It’s just… new,” William said quietly.

“I know. And you—well, I don’t know what your issues are and I don’t wanna freak you out. So no biggie if you don’t want to do this.”

William appreciated being given an escape route. But as nervous as he was, a big part of him
did
want to do this, and another big part was generally disgusted at going all faint-hearted over something so stupid. So he pasted on a smile and even managed a couple of pats of his palm against the back of Colby’s hand. “I’m being an idiot. Go ahead.”

“Hey, it’s okay. I freak out over anything bloody, even if it’s in a movie, and needles practically make me pass out. We each have our Achilles’ heel.” The smile had returned to his face. He squeezed William’s knee before letting go and turning back to the screen. “Okey-doke. Let’s give this a try. Oh, but I gotta remind you. This is porn, right? In real life, hardly anyone’s this gymnastic, and some of these positions will be mainly for the camera.”

His typing resumed, and a moment later a web page with photos of handsome, wholesome-looking young men appeared. “So, I like this site a lot. Nothing wild, but the guys are pretty cute without being too fakey-looking.”

“Do you… spend a lot of time surfing sites like this?”

Colby laughed. “Not a
lot
a lot, but yeah. In case you hadn’t noticed, there’s not much local action in JV. I have a couple of pals, sometimes we Skype each other for some live show-and-tell, but we have to find times when they’re free and my grandparents aren’t gonna be listening in.”

William supposed a small town and live-in relatives would hamper one’s sex life. He watched as Colby clicked on a few thumbnails, squinted at the resulting pictures, and then moved on. “Do you ever do anything, um, not online?” William asked.

“Used to. Even after I moved back to JV, I’d head into San Francisco for a couple of days and some quick hookups. Or sometimes I’d find someone on Grindr or Manhunt or something and we’d meet up in Fresno.” This time, he started a video clip that made William blush: a naked young man on his knees, enthusiastically stroking his own penis while another young man stood in front of him, grinding his groin into the kneeling guy’s face. But apparently Colby found the clip unsatisfactory because he closed it up again.

William didn’t know what Manhunt and Grindr were, although he could guess. The Internet had been a real boon for the sexually adventurous, he guessed. “Used to?”

The next clip was two naked men on a bed. They lay face-to-face, kissing and running their hands over each other’s backs. Colby didn’t click away this time. “Yeah,” he said, his attention on the screen. “It ended up seeming like a lot of effort just to get laid. I’d always end up driving home by myself, you know? And now I can’t drive at all, unless I borrow Grandpa’s car, and I definitely don’t want to have
that
conversation.”

“He doesn’t know you’re gay?”

Colby hooted a noisy laugh and turned to look at him. “You’re kidding, right? Come on. I set off gaydar from three hundred yards away. When I was in kindergarten I used to accessorize my Transformers with rhinestones I stole from Grandma’s Bedazzler. When I was nine, I announced I was going to marry Brad Pitt when I grew up. I starred in every musical performed in my junior high and high school and I was
fabulous
. Will,
everyone
knows I’m gay. I’d just rather not discuss the specifics with the geriatric crowd.”

What would it be like to be out, not only to yourself but to your family and entire community? William couldn’t imagine being so matter-of-fact about it, as if homosexuality were no more noteworthy than eye color or birthdate.

On his computer screen, the kiss had intensified. The dark-skinned man had dropped his hands to his partner’s butt and rubbed and squeezed while the lighter-skinned man clutched at the darker man’s hair and moaned appreciatively. And just when William was getting uncomfortable watching them, they broke apart slightly. The lighter man whispered into his partner’s ear—the mic didn’t pick up what he said—and they both chuckled. There was an easy intimacy between them, William thought, as if once the camera were turned off they might get dressed and go out for burgers together, or maybe catch a ballgame on TV. They began kissing and caressing again, but there was nothing dirty or tawdry about it. It was… well, sexy.

“Is this okay?” Colby asked.

“Yeah.” William’s voice sounded a little raspy to his own ears.

“Good. I’ll bookmark it later in case you want to come back. It’ll cost you twenty bucks to join, but the quality’s way better than on the free sites.”

William nodded. One of the men on the computer had rolled onto his belly, and the other was bending over him, alternately licking and rubbing various bits of pale skin. They both had nice butts and a sprinkling of tattoos, and they looked relaxed. Happy. In fact, the one on his stomach seemed almost to have fallen asleep, except he twitched and laughed when his partner tickled his ribs. There was nothing unnatural about what they were doing. In fact, their interactions appeared more spontaneous and tranquil than William and Lisa’s lovemaking ever had. William had always felt awkward at sex, as if someone might be grading him on his performance, and neither he nor his wife had felt comfortable communicating what they liked and enjoyed. Sometimes he imagined male bodies—faceless, nameless—just to perform, and then he’d felt enormously guilty.

Colby shifted a little in his seat. “Want to try something else? Or stick with this for now?”

“Um, this is fine.”

“Good. I haven’t seen this video before, but I watch these models sometimes. They have good chemistry together.”

William couldn’t help but wonder why the men had decided to make porn. Were they desperate for money? Or did they get off on having an audience? And did porn pay well? As the caretaker for an insane asylum, he probably shouldn’t be judgmental about people taking unusual jobs.