The Todd Glass Situation (23 page)

I knew it then, but time has proven over and over again that I picked the best person I could have to tell my story to. You combine twisted humor and smart, serious conversation in a way that made what should have been a terrifying experience into one that was actually very enjoyable. I was so nervous walking into that garage I felt nauseous. But you put me in such a comfortable place that those feelings quickly disappeared. I got to say everything I wanted to say, the way I wanted to say it. So Marc, what can I say? Thank you.

I used to say Jeff Ross sort of saved my life, but then realized that I didn't need to add “sort of.” Jeff Ross saved my life. When he called an ambulance for me that night at the Coronet, I thought he was going to look silly afterwards. He didn't. The doctor told me that because I got to the hospital so quickly there was no damage to my heart. So Jeff, thank you—I wasn't ready to stop doing comedy just yet.

I've always loved watching Chris Elliott on
Letterman
—he does irreverent pieces that are like nothing I've ever seen on any other show. I know it takes a huge amount of trust in someone to let them do whatever they want. Well, that's what Jimmy Kimmel has done for me. I've never been on a show that has given me such an extraordinary amount of freedom, and that takes a tremendous amount of confidence. I don't take this for granted. So thank you. I also want you to know that Uncle Frank lives on with my nieces, my nephews, and my friends. That said, you're lucky you're even getting a mention here, since I haven't been on the show in a fucking year.

Dave, you probably don't know this, but you are the first person in the comedy community I told about my situation. The reason it was you was because you always said extremely kind, loving things that made me comfortable enough to trust you
with it. At a time when I felt like I was going to burst if I didn't share it with someone, it gave me a lot of comfort to be able to share it with you. Thank you.

Steve Rosenthal, thank you for being so supportive, helping me to take ideas that are in my head and bring them to fruition—especially
Todd's Coma
. Thanks also, Mike Koman, because if he reads this he'll get upset. But really it's directed at Steve. Also Jimmy Dore, Stef Zamorano, Dave Rath, Erin von Schonfeldt, Mark Anderson, and Darrin McAfee—these people are practically family, but there's more to it than that: Your never-ending kindness, love, and support remind me that I'm funny. Your presence in my life is appreciated; I wanted to make sure that you knew it.

Whenever I know that I'm about to hang out with comedians, I feel like a little kid ten feet away from Disneyland. Whether you're a comedian I used to work with every week at the Improv or someone that I worked with one time five years ago in Minneapolis, I cherish our time together. I feel so lucky to be a part of this crazy fraternity. So thank you for making life fun and for helping to create a place for grown-ups to act like adolescent kids (while getting paid for it!).

You help me with so many things that are hard for me to deal with. Simple tasks like writing emails, paying bills, and basic banking are excruciating for me, but because of you I don't have to think about them and can just concentrate on comedy. You make me breathe more easily on a daily basis. This is something I think about often but seldom tell you. You are very appreciated. Thank you.

You were my first manager in L.A. You came to my shows and always had kind words for me afterwards. Your comments were especially meaningful because you covered stand-up for the
L.A. Times
and wrote about comedians I liked; when you became a manager and offered to sign me, I felt like I hit the lottery. You were everything I could want in a manager: diligent, smart, and sure of my ability to succeed. On top of all that, you were a decent person and that goes a long way. When you eventually decided to get out of managing, you made sure I found a new manager who would suit my needs. My career—past, present, and future—will always owe plenty to your guidance and support. So thanks . . . and say hi to Colleen and Mikey!

In this business, everybody wants their manager to think that they're funny and to genuinely believe in them. It sounds obvious, but it doesn't always happen, and even when it does,
you're not always sure that it's real. With you, Alex, I'm always sure. You are everything anyone could ever want in a manager: supportive, gentle, and proud. You also gave me one of the best pieces of advice I got about coming out, reminding me that I just might have to do it before I was ready to. It's an insight that I will never forget. Thank you for all the love, support, and countless laughs. I love you. Thanks also to his assistants, Peter and Jerilyn—you aren't so bad yourselves!

I want to thank every single teacher I had, kindergarten through twelfth grade, from the bottom of my heart. Even when you didn't know why I wasn't able to read, do math, or just concentrate, you never made me feel dumb for it. You always took the time to talk to me and made me feel genuinely listened to. You all will always have a special place in my heart.

The It Gets Better campaign was started by Dan Savage and his partner, Terry Miller, to let kids know that, although they're struggling now, their lives are going to get easier. But I'm not sure they anticipated that it would help a full-grown man like me. The night before I went on
WTF,
I let my old fears get the best of me and began to have second thoughts. So I went online and looked at some It Gets Better videos. Seeing all these kids suffering needlessly reminded me that if my story could help any of them, I didn't have a choice. Eventually I came across
a YouTube video of a thirteen-year-old kid coming out to the world in a self-taped confession. He was so smart, eloquent, and honest that I began to cry as he spoke. Here I was thinking that my coming out might help some kids, but somehow this kid on YouTube was helping me do it. The irony was not lost on me.

As I get older and start to become aware of issues that I'm passionate about, I realize that these were things you were battling forty years ago. Every time I read something you said it makes me melt. I understand why people say that when they met you they were reminded of how good we can be as a species. I hope you're happy wherever you are. Thank you.

When I was growing up, there were a lot of hot-button issues bubbling up for debate; racism, sexism, and homophobia were much more present in American society. Phil Donahue was the first adult I saw on TV discussing these issues in a manner that resonated with me. It was fun to watch the way he would talk to an audience of often intelligent but confused people, disarming their ignorant arguments without screaming or insulting them. The way he used questions to let people talk themselves out of certain opinions was absolutely brilliant. To me, Phil Donahue was a voice for anything that was different, but not wrong. He stood up for the disenfranchised when no one else did. I loved watching that show and if I ever meet him I'm going to give him a huge hug. Thank you, Phil, for helping me breathe more easily.

I find it admirable whenever somebody gives a voice to someone who doesn't have one—especially when those someones are children. Sometimes I'll watch your shows and see kids who, to the outer world, might seem angry and in need of discipline. The two of you always seem willing to dig a little deeper to find the source of the anger, linking it to hurt, sadness, or just not being heard. It's inspirational enough to make me break down and cry. I know there are other people out there doing the work you do, and I'm sure you would agree that we owe thanks to them, but I'm sending them your way (as well as to Dr. Phil's wife, Robin) because you're the ones I watch on my television every day.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You're a good man, and my family is lucky to have you. If you live near Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania, and you need a good therapist, find him.

You are special to me. Now you know. Thank you.

What can I say? None of this would have happened if it wasn't for you. Thank you. The end.

I remember being very nervous about our meeting. I held on to this secret for so many years and now I had to walk into a roomful of strangers and talk about it? When you asked me if the book was autobiographical, I almost lied and said it was about a friend of mine. I was sweating so much someone actually had to go into another room and get a fan. But by the end of the meeting, I was completely dry. You guys could not have been easier to talk to. I remember telling my manager afterward that I really wanted you guys to tell my story. I was so happy that it worked out that way. That you also published George Carlin's autobiography is the cool icing on the cake. An extra-special thank you to Sarah Knight, who may have inherited the project but from the start treated us as one of her own. Thank you.

We laugh at the same stuff. Get upset at the same stuff. Get emotional at the same stuff. Cherish the same stuff. We were already great friends when, about a year ago, we started this book. It was overwhelming to me. I couldn't even imagine where to start. Getting me where I had to be took a lot of talking, a lot of patience, and a lot of nurturing. I don't know how I could have done this without you. This journey has brought us even closer—you certainly know more about the details of my life than anybody I know. I really value your friendship. Thank you for helping this all to happen.

Even though this book tells my story the way I wanted it and it is in my voice on every single page, it took a lot of effort on your part to get it out of me and put it on paper. When you're a guy who's never read a book and barely graduated from high school (and by “barely” I mean “didn't”), “writing” means baring your soul to a complete stranger. Luckily, we didn't stay strangers for long. You're smart, funny, and easy to talk to, which made our time together not only productive but very enjoyable. Thank you for all your hard work.

*
This page is brought to you by . . .
The Bitter Buddha.
(A great documentary about Eddie Pepitone, directed by Steven Feinartz.) Eddie, instead of thanking you, how about I give your documentary a plug?

While writing this book, I really enjoyed reliving some of the fun moments of my childhood, especially as I talked to the people from back then who were most important to me. There were some people, however, who I would have loved to talk to but didn't know how to contact. So here are some of their names. My hope is that someone reading this might know them and can help me to reach out. Thanks!

Tom and Ileen Scott
(From Philadelphia—last I heard they moved to Atlantic City in 1971.)

Nick and Francis D'Arco
(They lived across on Joan Drive in Southampton in 1975. Daughter Meg was a nurse.)

Mrs. Zigler
(My second-grade teacher at Davis Elementary School, 1972.)

Mrs. Biazzi
(Teacher in the Resource Room at Davis Elementary School, 1972.)

Mr. Macolroy
(Conestoga High School, 1982.)

TODD GLASS
has been a professional stand-up comedian since he was sixteen. He could drop a bunch of names and list a bunch of credits, but how funny would that be? This is his first book.

WWW.TODDGLASS.COM

@toddglass

MEET THE AUTHORS, WATCH VIDEOS AND MORE AT

SimonandSchuster.com

authors.simonandschuster.com/Todd-Glass