The Toll (18 page)

A strange calmness had settled over
me, numbing me to all other emotions. My tears had long ago dried
up, and I didn’t bother wasting any more on myself.

No. Not today.

Only a little bit longer, anyways, and
it won’t matter anymore. It will all be alright.

No, nothing is
alright,
I thought, not the least bit
relieved, but ready to be done with it, hefting my pilfered goods
up a little higher on my shoulder. The pot shifted, the rocks I’d
filled it with making it that much heavier. The bridge creaked
alarmingly as I slowly made my way up it, but I wasn’t terribly
concerned.
It will be done before he’s
even woken up. He can’t stop me now anyways.
I set the pot on the railing, securing the end I’d tied
around it, slipping it inside my pillow case and tying it in knots.
I thought it would be heavy enough, hoping it worked.

Securing a few more knots, I climbed
up and balanced along the railing’s edge, slipping my foot through
the stirrup-like noose I’d created, tightening it around my
ankle.

Balancing carefully, I picked up the
pot and jumped before I had another chance to think it through,
falling into the swiftly churning river water with a surprisingly
quiet splash.

Holding my breath, I gripped the pot
in my hands tight, fighting my body’s natural fight or flight
response as I tucked it into my stomach, resisting the urge to rush
for the surface and gulp fresh air, as I was wont to do.

Soon the temptation became too great,
the feeling of suffocating having sent my body into a panic, the
adrenal rushing through me begging to be released.

My body lurched for the surface, the
pot I’d had a firm grip on slipping down underneath me as I flailed
towards the top.

Breaking the surface, I got
in a few good breaths before I was yanked back under.
What am I doing? Have I gone mad?
The gravity of what I was trying to do, the truth
of the situation, of trying to drown myself in the river, truly
sank in.

My legs kicked out,
churning underneath my heavy skirt as it weighed down heavily
around me.
No! Wait!
I don’t want to die!
Screaming under
the icy cold depths, my voice went unheard.

My ankle soon tugged on me, letting me
know the pot had indeed worked, but not in the way I’d expected,
exactly.

It was caught between several jagged
rocks, pinned itself and pinning me down underneath the deeper part
where the river pooled, farther down than I’d thought I’d
traveled.

Flailing my arms desperately, I
screamed underneath the water again, my shout for help unheard,
gulping in a lungful of water, yanking at my trapped foot with
everything I had to try and get back up.

Help!
I screamed uselessly again, but no one heard.

Reaching up, my fingers
touched the surface and I felt the absence of water on them, cool
air tingling the tips.
I don’t want to
die!
I thought wildly, changing my mind as
death loomed before me, but it was too late to take it
back.

My body started to shut down as my
lack of oxygen settled in, lungs burning, head pounding, black
spots dancing in my vision as I stared up, trapped, helplessly,
catching my last glimpse of the wavering world above me.

I thought of all the things I’d yet to
do, wanted to do, wouldn’t get to do now, knowing in seconds I
would be dead and gone.

After that, I couldn’t form coherent
thoughts anymore, and everything soon went blank.

From The Brink

A horrible pain wracked my
body.

Warm lips pressed to mine and air was
pushed into me.

Gasping and gagging, I choked on an
exhale, that forced air pushing the water in my lungs up and out,
and then I was rolled onto my side.

Stomach heaving, I vomited, what
seemed like an ocean-ful of river water expelling from my burning
lungs as I choked and my chest heaved endlessly.

Wracking coughs took over until I had
nothing left to bring up, the feel of cool stones against my
trembling skin and the feel of my clothes sticking to me wetly
letting me know I’m alive.

I’m alive.

The elation I should have felt at
knowing that never came, I was too busy coughing up my
lungs.

Pulling my legs up to my chest, I
started to sob softly, hugging myself tight.

My rescuer scooped me up, strong and
capable, cradling me to a warm chest.

Shaking and trembling with body
wracking tremors, I forced my eyes open and saw that it was none
other than Troll carrying me, carting me off to who knew
where.

He saved me?

Overcome, my face pinched and I cried
harder.

“
None of that,” Troll
rumbled out quietly, his voice oddly subdued.

“
You should have let me
die,” I sniffled, choking on another body jarring cough.

“
I said ye coulda warmed me
bed, dinna say ye
had
ta,” he grumbled. “Dinna haveta drown yerself in the river
over it, nugget.”

“
You’re a horse’s ass,” I
wailed, not exactly certain why that fact made me cry.

Troll chuckled and hitched me up
higher. “Och, nugget, ye say the nicest things, ye do.”

“
Shut the fuck up!!” I
wailed harder, my fingers digging into his hole-filled shirt, my
nails pricking his exposed skin.

****

The familiar smell of dampened earth
and the fire Troll always had going let me know we were at Troll’s
dwelling. I tried to roll out of his arms, but he tightened his
grip.

“
Now where do ye think ye
be goin’, me little nugget?”

My body was shaking so
badly from the cold, my teeth chattering with a harsh, repetitive
click clack, Troll knew I wouldn’t be able to put up much of a
fight.
The jerk.

“
I’m going to kick your
teeth in when I can feel my hands again,” I chattered out
uselessly. I don’t know where I mustered up all the anger from, but
I wasn’t letting it go anytime soon.

His snorts and chuckles at my
well-aimed jabs just lit my rage.

Troll tsk-ed. “Is that any way ta
thank yer knight in shinin’ armor now?”

“
You’re a troll. I’m your
property. Since when do you give a shit about anyone but
yourself?”

Stopping dead in his tracks, Troll
glanced down at me for a long moment, before he looked away,
grunting as he finished lugging me throughout the confines of his
home.

“
An’ after I gave ye the
kiss of yer life an’ all that,” he went on, as if I hadn’t said
anything.

I scoffed on the outside, but started
at that on the inside and promptly shut up, remembering the feel of
firm, warm lips pressed to mine, parting to force air into my
unbreathing lungs, breathing life back into me.

“
Here we are.” Troll set me
down on the rug sitting on the floor of his sleeping quarters,
leaving to come back moments later, a white length of cloth folded
over his arm.

Kneeling, he crouched down in front of
me and started lifting the hem of my skirt.

Yanking it with a harsh tug, I gripped
it and shoved it back down, grunting as I tried to fight him, and
he growled, yanking back in return, trying to undress
me.

“
Nugget,” he grumbled,
losing his patience, “ye can either do this the hard way or the
easy way, yer choice.”

My eyes widened and I gripped my skirt
tighter.

“
Hard way ‘tis, then.”
Using his big hands, he took a section of material in each and gave
it a vicious tug, the harsh rip of my skirt splitting down the
middle filling the room. He did the same with my underthings,
ignoring my squeaking protests as he methodically undressed
me.

Once he’d ripped the top of my dress
up the middle, I held the pieces tightly to my chest, my legs
pulled up, covering my exposed sex, tucked up as best as I could
into a ball.

With an easy shove, he gave me a push,
sending me sprawling to my back, pulling the last shreds of my
clothing off of me as I threw my hands up.

There was a flap from
behind me as I scrambled to catch myself, a length of fabric
breezing over me before I was picked up and plopped,
unceremoniously onto a plushy mess of…
fur? Bunny pelts? Fox? Bear?

Curious, I pulled at the white blanket
encasing me, lifting it to investigate, just as Troll blew the
small flame lighting the single candle in his room out, the sound
of shuffling and then feet shifting setting me on edge as my ears
pricked and I cocked my head slightly, waiting.

The feel of someone climbing in beside
me made me jump, curling into a tighter ball in my tight little
huddle.

Tugging the white length of material,
I jerked the sheet around me protectively, very aware of my
nudity.

“
Quick actin’ like I’m
gonna beat ye,” he muttered. “Gonna torture yer feckin’ arse I
woulda just left ye in the river.”

“
Maybe you should have.” My
voice was small and forlorn, a rush of sadness washing over
me.

“
Dinna be talkin’ like
that,” he snapped, surprising me with the vehemence in his voice.
“Life is full of fuckin’ shit. Ye never get ta pick an’ choose what
bullshit comes yer way, just how ye deal wit’ it. No reason ta off
yerself, ye little eejit.”

He was right—he was. It was
just hard hearing it, and accepting it, and from him of all
persons-
Erm
,
creatures.

I just sat there in silence, still
shaking from the cold, small coughs wracking my chest here and
there, throat still raw and dry.

When things got rough I
gave up. I quit.
That didn’t sound like me
at all. Then again, I had to ask myself,
who am I, anyways? Who am I now?

No. No. I’m asking the
wrong things
. I gave myself a little
mental head shake. The real one is, who do I
want
to be?
It was something to think about.

A thick hand suddenly slapped to my
forehead, out of nowhere, making me shriek. My arm flailed out,
connecting with something hard and immovable.

“
Ye mind? It may no’ be
pretty, but it’s the only one I’ve got.” Troll gritted out,
grunting as he sneezed a few times, cursed a bit, then yanked his
hand away, muttering to himself as I felt him roll off the
bed.

I retreated, blushing profusely,
scooting all the way to the other side. Troll, muttering under his
breath, stomped from the room, and quite noisily, as the sounds of
him slamming around in his little cooking nook pricked my
ears.

My lids started to slowly dip as I let
out a loud yawn, which was interrupted by a bone jarring, hacking
cough.

Groaning, I grimaced, rubbing my
fingers along my throat, as if to soothe the sting.

It went silent from the other room,
all but for the sound of liquid pouring, and then the sound of
unmistakable stomping footsteps marching back in.

A blue spark shot up in the dark, then
another. Troll mumbled something under his breath and then I
watched, transfixed, as a stream of blue streaked the open air,
swirling patterns appearing before my eyes, right before orange
eyes, deep and fathomless, lit up.

I’d slowly gravitated towards the
beautiful blue streaks, entranced, reaching out as if to touch one,
yet too alarmed to make contact. Just as I’d grown bold enough,
fingertips brushing the end of a particularly large swirl, the
warmth seeping in as an electric zing shot through me, I jerked
back as the candle lit and Troll came clearly into view.

Watching me curiously, a large mug
clamped in his even larger hand, my lips parted as my jaw slowly
swung open, eyes widening to saucers. Lit up like the flames from
his hearth, the glowing electric blue curling pattern was actually
the strange markings covering his skin, mapping out across his
flesh, eyes just as bright as they swirled with hints of black.
Staring up at him as my eyes dipped to his shoulders repeatedly,
tracing the markings with my intense blue gaze, I didn’t know what
to do.

“
What?” Troll muttered,
eyes dimming, swirls of shimmering cerulean along his thick grey
skin fading back to inky black. “Think ye found a pixie shittin’
dust? Think ta stroke it an’ make a wish?” Snorting his contempt as
he thrust the steaming mug in front of my face, he clipped out,
“Willna be findin’ any ‘o’ that shit here, that’s for
sure.”

No choice but to accept it,
I took it with shaking fingers, cradling the warmth to my chest as
the smell hit my nose.
Ugh. It’s the death
broth.
Trying not to gag on the fumes,
nose wrinkling in disgust, I forced myself to breathe through my
mouth, very slowly.