The Tome of Bill Compendium Vol. 1 (Books 1-4) (16 page)

“Ozymandias says ‘hi,’” I said before he could do anything that I might regret. That appeared to give him cause to reconsider. He apparently knew James was in town and likely to visit. Night Razor wasn't even remotely afraid of me, that much was obvious. However, I was pretty certain whatever craving he had in him to beat the snot out of me was outweighed by his lack of desire to deal with James afterward. I had seen James in action, and Jeff's reaction to it. In a fight, he would eat Night Razor for lunch, and then probably still have enough left in him to use me as a toothpick.

I was certain we both knew the cause for his hesitation, but I still had an illusion to maintain for the others. As he just stood there glaring, I bent down and dipped my finger into the wound in the corpse's neck. I brought my hand back up and contemptuously licked the blood off of it. In practice, it was a pretty gross thing to do, but I bet it looked pretty damn cool. Yeah, it would have been a bit more badass if maybe I looked more like Vin Diesel, but you work with what you have.

Sally, to her credit, jumped right in and played along. “Okay, that's it. I've had enough,” she said with just a slight quiver to her voice. Leaping to her feet, she went to stand by Night Razor. “I did what you asked me to. I found him and convinced him to come back. But I can't take it anymore. (
Ooh, were those crocodile tears rolling down her face? Nice touch.
) This fucker is just creeping the shit out of me. Please, master! I'm sorry I brought him here. I didn't know.” She put her arms around Night Razor and buried her face in his shoulder. “Please, forgive me,” she whimpered softly. “I'll be more careful next time, I swear. Just give him to someone else. Let Firebird keep an eye on him and I'll stay here with you. I’ll even do those things you like.” Judging by how pale the redhead's face got, I assumed she must be Firebird. I actually almost found myself hoping Jeff would take Sally up on her suggestion. A little ginger action might be just what the doctor ordered.

Sadly, no redheaded sloppy seconds for me, though, as he shoved Sally away from him. “Tough shit. You made your bed, now you can lie in it. This piece of shit is your problem.” She dropped to her knees and started quietly sobbing. “Whine about it again and I'll compel you to let him do whatever the hell he wants with you.” (
Oh, yeah! Please whine again, please whine again.
) Night Razor nodded toward the redhead, and she quickly moved to his side. “I'm getting some fresh air. This place stinks.” Before he walked out, he looked me in the eye and said, “I'll see you tomorrow night, meat.” I managed to meet his stare until the door shut behind him, at which point I allowed myself a deep sigh of relief.

Within a few minutes, every other vampire in the place found an excuse to be elsewhere. As the last one closed the door behind him, Sally popped up from the floor and gave me a big grin.

“That went fucking fabulously.”

“Glad you thought so” I mimed wiping sweat off my brow. “Me, I'm not entirely sure I didn't crap my pants.”

“You did great. Enough of the coven saw what went down between you and Dusk Reaper. By the end of the night, everyone will be talking about how you practically ripped his head off.”

“I'm surprised Jeff didn't do that to mine.”

“You played that perfectly. He's not about to cross James. And now he'll have his hands full with damage control, as they're probably also going to be gossiping about how he backed down in front of you.”

“Great. Now all I have to do is keep him from killing my ass tomorrow night,” I said, still a little shaky.

“Yeah, that one might be a bit dicey,” she agreed. “You definitely didn't win any points in his book. You might want to consider not following him down any dark alleys or subway tunnels.”

“Thanks. I kind of figured that.”

“Oh, relax. You scored big tonight. That's the important thing. Sit back, put your feet up, and snack on the leftovers.” She pointed to the corpse. “You might as well enjoy it. You're probably not going to get much of a chance to relax tomorrow,” she said, walking into the kitchen.

Looking to change the subject to something other than my potential future pummeling, I glanced down at the dead body. “Speaking of leftovers, how the hell do you guys clean up messes like this?”

“We pay the cleaning crew
very well,
and they don't ask questions,” she called from the other room. “As for the carpet, a quick steam clean, and you'll never notice the blood.
Scotchgard
is a fucking miracle, I tell you.” She emerged from the kitchen, steak knife in hand. “Pity I can't say the same for this dress.” With that, she sliced open the side of her neck. Blood immediately started pouring down her shoulders.

“Jesus Christ!” I yelled, jumping to my feet.

She smiled at me as the blood began to soak the top of her dress. “All for the cause. If anyone else stops by here, they'll learn how I just barely managed to fight you off when you tried feeding upon me.”

“Oh. Yeah, right, I guess,” I stammered. A few minutes ago, Sally had done a good job pretending to be afraid of me. However, I couldn’t help but think that maybe I should be the one who was afraid of her.

* * *

Sally's little display proved to be useful, if completely psychotically insane. The loft was apparently a popular hangout spot for the coven. As such, every couple of hours or so, a group of vampires could be heard walking up the stairs. They would come waltzing in the door, and there would be Sally, lying on the floor, holding her neck (
which she had to cut several times due to her enhanced healing
), and tearfully crying for help. Each and every time, the vampires showed what a standup bunch of assholes they were. They'd look in horror from her to me (
I was mostly just sitting on the couch flipping through TV channels...I love pay per view, especially when I'm not the one paying
). I'd give them a glare or two, and then they'd just book the hell out the door faster than they came in. Worked like a charm. I wouldn't have expected vampires to be such pussies, but I wasn't complaining about it, either.

Finally, with the morning sky just starting to lighten, she declared we were probably safe from intrusion for a while, and went off to take a shower. I, being the gentleman that I am, left her to her business (
the bitch locked the door
) and went to warm up a liter of blood in the microwave. When she came out (
dressed, sadly
) she immediately headed for one of the bedrooms - suggesting I do the same, as I had a long night ahead of me. That sounded like a good idea. The excitement of the previous night had finally faded, and I was feeling pretty wiped. After first making sure Sally was securely locked in (
she was, damn it
), I entered the other bedroom, the one that Jeff and the redhead had come out of hours earlier, and then immediately backed the fuck out. I don't know what the hell they were doing in there, nor do I want to. Suffice it to say, holy crap, that was a lot of blood.

After dragging the corpse into the kitchen (
damn thing was starting to creep me out
), I spent the next several hours asleep on the couch.

Waking up to a face as pretty as Sally's is a dream most men have. Waking up to that face yelling, “Get up, dipshit.”...not so much. I can only imagine how many speechwriters bemoaned the loss of such an eloquent orator when she decided to become a stripper.

“Come on, wake up,” she again prodded.

“Okay, okay, I'm up.”

“You sleep like the freaking dead.” (
Well, duh!
)

“What's the emergency?” I asked.

“Most of the coven is usually awake by now. Gives us all time to get dressed, do our hair, put on makeup...you know, so we're all ready in time for sundown.”

“Sorry, left my eyeliner back in Brooklyn,” I grumbled, rubbing my eyes.

“Just as long as you didn't leave your deodorant. (
Bitch!
) My point
is
that some of the others, particularly Jeff, could be popping in soon. I want to have one more surprise ready for them. Follow me.”

I got up and she led me to the bathroom door. “Punch it,” she ordered.

“Why?”

“Because it was looking at me funny,” she sarcastically quipped. “Just do it.”

Okay, whatever. I pulled my arm back and did as I was told. My hand collided with the door with a meaty thud. “There, happy?”

“What the fuck was that?” she snapped. “I said to punch it, not give it a little ass-slap. Like
this
” She turned to the door and let loose with a right jab that left a fist-sized dent in it.

I looked more closely at the damage and asked, “Is this metal?”

“Yeah, it's a security door.”

“Why do you have a security door on the bathroom?”

Another fucking eye-roll! I swear there was going to be a head-shaped dent in the door in about thirty seconds. “Isn't it obvious?” she asked. “Sometimes the larder in the basement is full. We use this in case we need to lock up any
refreshments
.”

Great. A bathroom/meat locker combo: just what every apartment in SoHo needed.

“Now smash the shit out of it,” she commanded. “They'll be able to tell if I did it. Your hands are bigger.”

“Let me guess. You locked yourself in the bathroom last night to escape my evil wrath.”

“See? You
are
learning.” She patted my head. “Who's a good boy?”

I decided to focus my annoyance with her on the door. I tensed up and then started to rain blow after blow on it. By the time I was done, it looked like I had made a fairly frenzied effort to break in. When I stepped back to admire my
hand
iwork (
damn, I kill me
), I realized Sally had dragged the corpse back out of the kitchen and dropped it next to me.

“This next part's gonna get a little messy,” she grinned at me.

Suffice it to say, she was right. A few minutes of swinging the dead body violently against the door left the place looking like something out of a horror movie. Sally then tore up her dress from the night before and tossed it into the pile of gore to complete the effect. Anyone walking in out of context would think that a freaking grizzly bear had attempted to tear its way into the bathroom. All things considered, I'm pretty sure that was the plan.

About fifteen minutes after we finished, we heard sounds on the stairs.

She quickly turned to me, said, “Sorry about this,” and then slashed her nails down the side of my face. Fuck! It felt like she had steak knives on the ends of her fingers. What is it with people maiming the shit out of me lately? Before I could protest, she ducked inside the bathroom and locked the blood-splattered, half-broken door.

Without thinking, I ran over and started pounding on it. “You goddamn bitch! I'm gonna rearrange your fucking face!” I screamed, which is apparently what she wanted, as, right there and then, the front door opened and in stepped Night Razor, followed by Firebird, Starlight, Dread Stalker (
it's like the retarded Justice League
) and two other male vampires whose stupid comic book names I didn't know.

I stopped my attack on the door and stared at them. They, in turn, were frozen in place, trying to take everything in. It must have been quite the scene to make a pack of apex predators just stand there, looking aghast.

It was Sally who finally ended the moment. Before anyone could say anything, the bathroom door flew open (
catching me in the face in the process and nearly dumping me on my ass
). She came running out, covered in gore, and wearing nothing but a bloody towel.

Throwing herself at Night Razor's feet, she started whimpering, “Thank god! Thank god!” I'll give credit where credit is due. She was pretty damn convincing, even to me.

Night Razor narrowed his eyes at me. Whether or not he bought the little scene in front of him, he was at least smart enough to know that it would make him look bad to act like it. He simply nodded toward Starlight and Firebird and said, “Get her cleaned up.” When neither of them moved, he added a little compulsion to his voice, “
DO IT!
” That was good. If he needed to use mind tricks to get them moving, it said that they were pretty well freaked.

They gathered Sally up and slowly helped her toward the bedroom. As they passed by me, the redhead, Firebird, spat, “You...inhuman animal,” and just as quickly averted her eyes.

Sensing an opportunity, I sneered and replied, “Keep talking, baby. I like my food a little spicy.” She gasped and moved to drag Sally (
who couldn't quite stop herself from giving me another eye-roll...must resist urge to really kill her
) a little more quickly toward the bedroom.

Despite outnumbering me four to one, only Night Razor dared to step forward. He walked up and we stared at each other, eye to eye. Yeah, he could’ve creamed me into pulp if he wanted to, but I couldn't let him know that in front of the others.

“When are we going out?” I asked with an even voice. “Because I'm still hungry.”

* * *

“You owe me a fucking door,” was the first thing Jeff said to me as we set out alone into the Manhattan nightlife.

“Bill me,” I shot back.

“I'll do better than that. Just one more thing I'll be taking out of your ass just as soon as Ozymandias is off my case.”

“If you think you can,” I said, feeling the last of my tough guy persona starting to drain away.

“You can cut the shit now,” he spat. “I don't know how you've managed to get Sally running scared, but we both know you're full of it.”

“If you say so,” I got the distinct feeling my voice was going to start cracking any minute now. Amongst the crowd, I was safe. Out here, alone with the guy who both killed me and shortly thereafter beat the snot out of me, I wasn't feeling so good. This was about the time my battlemage would throw down a smoke illusion and run for the hills.