The Trap (32 page)

I nod.

‘Never,' he says.

‘When I rang up, you were so…' I begin. But he doesn't let me finish.

‘I hadn't heard from you for almost twelve years, Linda. And then you ring out of the blue in the middle of the night, wake me up and ask me these questions. No “Hello, Julian, how are you? Sorry I haven't been in touch.” How did you expect me to react?'

‘Wow,' I say.

‘Yes, exactly.
Wow.
That's what I thought too.'

‘Hang on a second.
You
were going to get in touch. That was the deal. You were the one who was still married. You said you'd give me a sign when you were ready,' I say, furious.

My old disappointment is rising to the surface again, bitter and dogged—twelve years old.

‘Oh well, it doesn't matter now,' I add. ‘Sorry to wake you and your girlfriend. It won't happen again.'

I try to get up. A stabbing pain pierces my foot.

Julian stares at me in surprise. Then he grins.

‘You thought Larissa was my girlfriend?'

‘Fiancée, wife…whatever.'

I lose the battle with my crutches and give up, exhausted.

‘Larissa's my sister,' Julian says, smiling. ‘She lives in Berlin.'

My heart skips a beat.

‘Oh,' I say, stupidly, ‘I didn't know you had a sister.'

‘There's a great deal you don't know about me,' Julian replies, still smiling. Then he goes back to being serious. ‘By the way, I did get in touch, Linda,'

‘Don't give me that! I waited for you!'

He's silent for a while, as if in a daze.

‘Do you remember the conversation we had about literature?' he asks at length.

‘What's all this about?'

‘Do you remember? Our first proper conversation. All those years ago, on the steps outside my house?'

‘Of course. You said you didn't have the patience for novels and couldn't get anything out of them, but that you loved reading poetry.'

‘And you said that poetry didn't do anything for you. I said one day I would take the time to convert you. Do you remember?'

I do remember.

‘Yes. You said I should try Thoreau or Whitman—that they were bound to teach me to love poetry.'

‘You do remember,' Julian says, and then the penny drops.

I recall the dog-eared copy of Whitman on my bedside table, sent to me years and years ago by some fan. At least that's what I thought. The book that has seen me through my darkest hours and even saved me on that sleepless night before the interview. My knees go soft.

‘That was your sign?' I ask, stunned.

Julian shrugs. All my strength drains away and I slump back into the visitor's chair.

‘I didn't realise, Julian. I thought you'd forgotten me.'

‘I thought
you'd
forgotten
me
. When no answer came.'

We sit in sad silence.

‘Why didn't you give me a ring?' I ask at length.

‘Hm,' Julian says. ‘I suppose I thought the book of poems was… kind of romantic. And when you didn't reply, I thought…' He shrugs again. ‘I thought the world must have carried on turning for you.'

We sit facing one another and I think how different the last twelve years could have been if we'd had each other. I hardly know a thing about Julian any more, or the life he leads. He said it himself: the world has carried on turning.

I think to myself that the old, impulsive Linda would look him in the eyes now and lay her open hand on the desk to see whether he'd take it. But I'm not the old Linda anymore. I'm a woman so cowed by life that she went eleven years without setting foot out of the house. I've been through a lot. I've grown older, maybe even wiser. I am aware that Julian has a life in which I play no part. I realise that it would be selfish to try to force my way in.

Then I lean forward, look Julian in the eyes and lay my hand on the desk. Julian considers it for a moment—and then takes it in his.

35

I am rudely awakened from a dreamless sleep by a telephone ringing and don't at first know where I am. Then I recognise the hotel room where I'm staying for the time being—until I've sorted myself out and know where I'm going to live. Bukowski looks at me sleepily with one eye.

Instinctively, I grope for my mobile. I can't find it, remember that it's somewhere in the police station, realise that it's the landline ringing and pick up.

‘You're harder to get hold of than the Pope,' says Norbert reproachfully. ‘Do you realise that
Blood Sisters
is coming out today, madame?'

‘Of course,' I lie.

In fact, I hadn't given it a second's thought.

‘Tell me, I can't get to the bottom of all this: have you really given up your hermit's existence? Are you out?'

I almost smile. Norbert has no idea what's gone on since his last visit to my house.

‘I'm out,' I say.

‘
Merde
,' Norbert shouts. ‘I can't believe it! You're having me on!'

‘I'll tell you everything in good time, okay?' I say. ‘But not today.'

‘It's incredible,' says Norbert. And then again: ‘It's incredible!'

But he does eventually recover.

‘We never talked about your book,' he says.

I suddenly realise how much I've missed Norbert. I suppress the urge to ask him what he thought of it, because I know he'd like to be asked and I feel like winding him up a bit. So for two or three seconds neither of us says anything.

‘You don't seem to give a toss what your publisher thinks of your novel,' he says at last, ‘even though he's been bending over backwards for you for years. But I'm going to tell you anyway.'

I try not to laugh. ‘Fire away,' I reply.

‘You conned me,' says Norbert. ‘It's not a thriller; it's a romance disguised as a thriller.'

I'm speechless.

‘The press hates the book, by the way. But, funnily enough, I think it's good. Maybe I'm getting old. Oh well, I thought I'd let you know. Not that you're remotely interested, of course.'

Now I really do have to laugh.

‘Thank you, Norbert.'

He snorts, half amused, half peeved, and hangs up without another word.

I sit up. It's the afternoon; I've been asleep a long time. Bukowski, who's been dozing beside me, gives me a suspicious look, as if he were afraid I might go off and abandon him again, given half a chance.

Don't you worry, mate.

I recall Charlotte's face when she opened the door to me and, for the second time today, I have to laugh out loud. I'd dropped by to pick up Bukowski, and Charlotte had stared at me as if I were a stranger.

‘Frau Conrads! I can't believe it!'

‘Nice to see you, Charlotte. I just wanted to pick up the dog.'

Bukowski had appeared on cue, but he didn't jump up at me as he usually did; he stood there, perplexed.

‘I think he's as surprised to see you out of the house as I am,' Charlotte said.

I crouched down to let him sniff my hand. He did so, shyly at first, and then he started to wag his tail and give my hand a good lick.

I return to the present. There's such a lot to do. First of all I want to go and see my parents and find out how they've digested the news. Then I have to go back to the police, speak to my lawyer—all that. I have my work cut out for me, but I know I can cope. Something inside me has shifted. I feel strong—alive.

Outside it is slowly turning to spring. Everything is coming back to life; nature, too, seems to sense that something new is beginning. It is stretching and flexing.

I think of Anna. Not the angelic Anna I've spent the past years creating in my mind and in my writing, but the real Anna I used to quarrel with and make it up with. The Anna I loved.

I think of Lenzen, who is dead and whom I now won't be able to ask why there were flowers in Anna's flat, or whether she liked cut flowers when they came from him.

I think of Julian.

I climb out of bed, have a shower, get dressed. I order breakfast from room service. I feed Bukowski. I listen to my voicemail that's almost full. I water the orchid that Charlotte has returned to me, its buds about to open. I write a to-do list. I eat. I ring my publishers and my lawyer. I have a bit of a cry. I blow my nose. I arrange to see my parents.

I leave my hotel room and take the lift down. I cross the lobby towards the exit. The automatic doors open.

My name is Linda Conrads. I am an author. I am thirty-eight years old. I am free. I am standing on a threshold.

Before me lies the world.