The Trouble with Faking (16 page)

I drop my head into my hands and massage my temples. My head aches. I can barely keep my eyes open. Perhaps I’m tired enough now to sleep. I climb off mem stone and pull the blanket around my shoulders. Behind me, a noise disturbs the silence. I swing around, my heart speeding up and causing my head to ache even more. But it’s only someone closing the door to Smuts.

The someone stands outside Smuts and does a few stretches. Then he jogs towards me. He’s about to run past when he stops and says, “Andi? What are you doing out here?”

“Mike?” I take in his running shoes, shorts and T-shirt. “Okay, when you said you exercise early in the morning, I didn’t realise you meant—” I check the time on my phone “—4 am.”

“Yeah, I like to get a head start on days when I need to study. Running wakes me up and gets the blood pumping to my brain. Helps me concentrate better.”

“On a
Sunday
?”

“Yeah, well, test tomorrow. I haven’t done any work for it yet. I generally do no studying at all until the day before a test or exam—then I do a LOT of studying in one day.”

“Uh huh.”

“Are you okay? Why are you out here?”

“Um … couldn’t sleep.”

“Oh. Well, if you want to go change, I’ll wait here and you can join me for an early morning run.”

An early morning run? Is he insane? “That’s not gonna happen.”

He laughs. “Cool, well, I’ll see you around.” He pauses, then adds, “Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“You and Damien … You’re happy with him, right?”

My facial muscles manage to find the energy to frown. “Why?”

“Well, it probably isn’t my place to say—”

“Probably not.”

“—but sometimes you guys seem kind of … forced when you’re together. As if it doesn’t come naturally to you. I was thinking … maybe he’s not the guy for you?”

I’m not sure how long my mouth hangs open before I respond. “And … you think you are?”

“Oh, no, don’t worry.” Mike laughs. “I’m not interested in you.”

“Um. Okay.” I feel the frown returning. “Are you—”

“Anyway, I’ve gotta get going. Enjoy sleeping in.” He jogs down the stairs below mem stone and disappears.

“What the …” I murmur. That was one of the weirdest conversations I’ve ever had. Yet another reason I shouldn’t be awake at 4 am.

I stagger back to F flat and manage to write a note to Carmen, which I stick on my door.

Please don’t wake me for breakfast. Bad night. Didn’t sleep. No, I didn’t tell Damien what I was going to tell him. Chat to you later.

***

By lunch time on Sunday, I’m showered and dressed and ready to face the world. I need to tell Carmen what I’ve decided, I need to tell Damien this fake relationship has to stop, and I need to apologise to Noah for getting so upset with him yesterday. Some people hate it when they’re proven wrong; I, on the other hand, am strangely excited to tell Noah he was right about Damien not being the guy for me.

I meet Carmen in the lunch queue, and she hands me a tray. Noah walks past with Yashen and another guy I don’t know, and I reach out and grab his arm. He looks around, his expression becoming wary when he see it’s me. “I’m sorry about yesterday,” I say quickly. “For shouting at you and … all that.” I let go of his arm, and he steps closer. “You, um, you were actually right. And I spoke to my mom yesterday.”

Noah smiles. “Andi, that’s great.”

“Yeah, anyway, I’ll chat to you later?” I say as the queue moves forwards.

“Yes, sure.”

Carmen and I wait for our plates of res-version-of-Sunday-roast before finding a spot to sit down. I tell her about my argument with Noah, the conversation with my mom, and what I realised in the early hours of this morning. “Sounds good to me,” she says when I’m done. “If you’ve decided that’s the right thing to do, then that’s great.”

“Well, I think I have. I hope I’m doing the right thing. I mean, I’ve wanted to be with him for so long, I hope I’m not making a mistake walking away from that possibility now.”

“Andi,” Carmen says with a sigh, “just make up your mind. Do you want to be with the guy or not? Oh, man, is that a feather?” She pokes at her roast chicken.

“Ew. I think it is.” I examine my own piece of chicken for feathers.

“Hey,” Kimmy says, sitting down next to Carmen. “You know Georgia and I are watching Lumo Fox play at Kirstenbosch this afternoon? We have two spare tickets. Want to go?”

“Sure,” Carmen says. “If I haven’t died of food poisoning by then.”

“And you, Andi?” Carmen must have told Kimmy and Georgia she was wrong about my lying, cheating ways because they’re once again talking to me.

“Oh, well, I need to talk to Damien …”

“Tell him to come too. He can probably get a ticket there.”

“Okay.” Perhaps it’s better if I tell Damien while we’re in a public setting. Then we can have a pretend argument in front of a bunch of people we know so word gets around quickly that we’re no longer together.

I pick up my phone from my tray and type a message.

Andi: Going to Kirstenbosch to watch Lumo Fox this afternoon. Want to come? You can get a ticket there.

Damien: A few of my friends are actually going, so that’ll be cool. I’ll see you there.

***

The parking lot at Kirstenbosch National Botanical Garden is packed. I climb out of Kimmy’s car along with Carmen and Georgia, and the four of us join the crowd slowly making its way through the gardens to the concert lawn. I’ve got a blanket tucked under each arm, and Georgia’s carrying a basket of food.

The concert lawn is more than half full already. We find a space as close to the stage as we can get, lay our blankets out, and sit down. I check my phone for messages from Damien and find that he’s already here. Makes sense, I suppose. We had to wait far too long for Kimmy to finish her makeup.

“I’m going to find Damien,” I tell the others, standing up and smoothing out my dress. My phone rings, and Damien’s picture comes up. “Hey, I’m coming to find you,” I say to him.

“I saw you stand up,” he says. “Come up the hill towards the tree on your right. I’m wearing a green T-shirt.”

“Oh, I see you.” I wave at him and end the call. I move quickly up the hill, stepping carefully between groups of people, trying not to stand on anyone’s blankets or fingers. When I reach him, he pulls me into a hug and brushes a kiss against my ear. It sends tingles through me, and I wonder yet again if I’m about to make a mistake. Maybe I shouldn’t tell him to end our pretend relationship. Maybe I should instead tell him the
complete
truth, that I can’t figure out how I feel about him anymore, and maybe we should test out a real relationship by going on a date.

“You look really pretty,” Damien says.

“Thanks.” My vintage dress has a light blue denim top with short puff sleeves, a wide brown belt, and a multi-layered, flared skirt made from soft, cream fabric. It’s the kind of dress that makes me want to spin in circles.

“You can’t go anywhere without pinning something to your clothes, can you?” he adds, smiling at my
Certified Book Hoarder
pin badge.

“Well, you know, I do kinda have a pin badge addiction. And a cushion addiction,” I add, smiling at the thought of Noah on my floor being ‘attacked’ by cushions.

“And a book addiction. And possibly a YouTube addiction.”

“Perhaps I have an addictive personality. I should stay away from alcohol and drugs.”

“Yeah,” Damien says, laughing. “Tell Livi to give up on trying to get you to drink wine.”

I smile. “Anyway. Um, do you want to go for a walk quickly? I want to talk to you about something.”

“Yes, of course.” He puts an arm around me and leads me away from the stage towards the top of the concert lawn. “Have you seen the Tree Canopy Walkway?”

“No, I haven’t been here before.”

“Cool, let’s go there. It shouldn’t be too busy now with the concert starting soon.”

“You said ‘canopy,’ right? Does that mean it’s high? You know how I feel about heights.”

“Don’t worry, it’s a wide walkway.” He runs a hand comfortingly up and down my arm. “You’ll be fine.”

“Okay. Oh, can you keep my phone for me? I didn’t bring a bag, and I don’t have any pockets.” My phone pings as I’m about to hand it over to Damien.

Noah: Found a new outfit for you ;)

Seconds later, a picture arrives of a girl wearing a dress made of pieced-together comic book pages. I laugh as I zoom in to get a better look, knowing immediately that this
has
to be my next project.

Andi: Careful. You joke, but I look at that and think, ‘Awesome! Challenge accepted!’

Noah: Who says I’m joking? You could rock the comic book look.

Andi: Then it’s settled. Next time I see you, we’ll be ripping pages out of comic books!

Noah: Andi, how sacrilegious of you.

“You coming?”

I look up and find Damien giving me a questioning look. “Yes, sorry.” I hand him my phone, still chuckling at Noah’s last message.

It isn’t far to the Tree Canopy Walkway, and we keep the conversation light until we get there, discussing our lectures and friends and the latest weird comments I’ve received on YouTube. He doesn’t mention how it’s going with Marie, and I don’t say anything about Mike.

“Here it is,” Damien says when we reach the walkway. Like a curved, wooden bridge, it starts at ground level before snaking its way through and over the trees as the ground slopes down. I grip the railing as the distance between me and the earth increases. I instruct myself to look around and not down as the walkway widens, the trees disappear behind us, and we reach a point where we can look out across the gardens.

Beneath my feet, I feel the structure swaying ever so slightly. “Whoa,” I say, freezing in place. “You didn’t tell me this thing moves.”

“It’s fine, Andi.” Damien smiles and takes my hand, even though we’re out of view of anyone we know, and he has no reason to keep up our pretence. “It’s supposed to move a little bit. It’s built that way.” He pulls me further along to where we can see even more. “Look at the view. Isn’t it beautiful? The mountains up there and the gardens all around us.”

I nod.
Focus on the view, Andi. Not the distance to the ground.

Damien turns to face me. “So, what did you want to talk to me about?”

“Oh. Um …”
What do I say? What do I say?
“Okay.” I force myself to meet his gaze. “The truth is, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep pretending.”

He breathes out a relieved sigh, his face breaking into a smile. “I’m so glad you said that. I can’t pretend either. Not when all I want is for this to be real.” Then he leans closer and kisses me.

The Official Mission
:

Get Marie to fall for Damien and Mike to fall for Andi.

Status
: Who cares?!

Andi’s
Side Mission
:

Get Damien to fall for Andi instead of Marie.

Status
: Completed!!

I’m so startled to find Damien’s lips pressed against mine that it takes a few seconds for me to respond. Then my eyes close and my arms slip around his neck and I kiss him back, because no matter what I was about to say, THIS is what I’ve always wanted. The perfect setting, the magical moment, the guy of my dreams. I’d be INSANE not to kiss him back.

Right?

Damien pulls away, and he’s breathless when he says, “I can’t believe this is really happening. I was too scared to hope you might feel the same way, but you do.”

“I … I do.” I slide my fingers between his. “I have for a long time.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” I give him a shy smile. “And I never thought you’d feel the same way.”

“The night you suggested we pretend to be in a relationship, I kept thinking it was a bad idea,” Damien says. “That it was wrong to lie to everyone and that it would end up ruining our friendship. I thought about it every day after that, and when Valentine’s Day arrived, I’d decided to tell you we shouldn’t do it. But then … I saw you.” He slips his hands out of mine and gently cups my face. “You were so beautiful. Laughing and relaxed and happy. You were radiant. It was like … seeing you for the first time. And I found myself wondering why I’d never looked at you that way before. Why I’d never thought of you as … more. So I asked you onto the dance floor that night planning to tell you just that. To ask you out for real and not as a pretence. But I chickened out. I wasn’t brave enough. I took the coward’s way out and went ahead with this plan so at least I’d get to know what it felt like to be with you, even if it wasn’t real for you.”

“But it was,” I murmur.
And is it still?
The voice is quiet, whispering at the back of my mind, and before I have a chance to figure out the answer, Damien is kissing me again. So I tell myself that this is the right thing. This is what I want. This is what I’ve always wanted.