The Truth About Ever After (20 page)

“I
don’t want to talk about it,” he said. “I don’t want to talk at all. God, Kiki.
All these weeks I’ve been feeling so bad for you, so sad for us both.” He
pointed again at the stack of papers. “And all this time
this
is what you’ve been worried about? Trying to scheme up a way
of getting pregnant again?”

I
felt all the color drain from my face. I got that I had messed up, that I
should have talked to Eric a week ago. But how could he be so cruel?

He
must have realized that he’d gone a step too far, because he took a deep
breath, his face softening. “I’m sorry,” he sighed, running a hand through his
hair. “That was uncalled for.” His eyes met mine. “I’m just very upset right
now. And… hurt.”

My
heart constricted. I had hurt him, after everything we had already been through
this month. I didn’t imagine there was any way I could feel any worse.

I
was wrong.

“I’m
gonna
crash on the couch,”
he said, turning away from me. “I just…I just want to be alone. I’m sorry.”

“Okay,”
I said, my voice small. I wanted to go to him, to apologize and make him see
that I hadn’t meant for it to be this way, that he really had made me lose my
head before. But he was already walking out of the room, leaving me, for the
first time in our marriage, to sleep alone.

Chapter Twenty

I
couldn’t remember ever feeling so awful. The miscarriage had been terrible, but
at least then I’d had Eric by my side to help me get through. Now I felt more
alone than I ever had in my life, even worse than those first terrible days of
junior high, when I had been the new girl everyone made fun of.

To
make matters even worse, I couldn’t even tell Jen why Eric and I were fighting.
One more thing to hide from her.
I spent my days at
work, forcing myself to stay busy so I could pretend my bad mood was based on
stress. Sarah’s wedding was coming along. We had already booked the venue, the
country club both our families belonged to, and the caterer—two of the
biggest hurdles in any wedding. Up next was dress shopping, a day that I was
completely dreading.

After
that first night, Eric had come back to our bed, but he was still cold and
angry toward me. It was a terrible feeling, knowing that he didn’t trust me,
that he thought I would try to trick him into a pregnancy.

And
then, four days after our biggest fight ever, we had another one.

“There’s
an interesting message for you on the machine,” Eric said as soon as I walked
in the door that night. I had stayed at work late with Jen, going over our
options for flowers for Sarah’s wedding. There were several vendors that we
liked to use and each had submitted fantastic arrangements for us to choose
from. It had been a fun day, working so closely with Jen, but I was exhausted.

“Oh,
yeah?” I asked absentmindedly, picking up the mail from the counter and
flipping through it.

“Yeah.
Sarah
Vandermark
called. Apparently she seems to be
under the impression that you’re planning her wedding.”

I
froze. Shit. I hadn’t yet found a way to tell Eric that piece of news.

“I
take it by your reaction that Sarah is not, in fact, out of her mind,” he
continued drily. “Which would mean that you
are
planning her wedding.”

I
looked up at him warily. His expression was hard.

“Why
didn’t you tell me?”

“I
don’t know, Eric,” I said, feeling even more tired than I had when I left the
office. “Maybe because I was worried how you were going to react.”

“Is
this how we’re going to be, Kiki?” he asked, sounding almost as tired as me.
“Are we going to be this couple?”

“What
are you talking about?”

“I’m
talking about keeping things from each other. Not talking. Not being honest.”

“It’s
a client, Eric,” I said, setting the mail down on the counter and walking past
him out into the living room. “Do you tell me every little thing about your
job?”

“This
is not a little thing and you know it,” he said, following me. “You know how I
feel about that woman. Why on earth are you going through with this?”

Something
in me suddenly snapped, and I spun around to face him. “Because my sister is
having a baby,” I said, “and is going to be out on maternity leave. So we need
the money, okay? Do you think I like working for Sarah? Do you think it’s been
easy for me?”

“Kiki—”

“Just
shut up, Eric,” I yelled. I saw surprise flicker across his face. “You have no
idea what this has been like for me. Trying to make decisions based on what’s
best for Jen and her baby when… when…” Without even realizing it I had started
to cry, big racking sobs that shook my entire body. Without another word, Eric
reached for me and pulled me into his arms.

“Everything
is awful,” I cried, wanting to wrap my arms around him but feeling angry
at
him at the same time. “I have to be happy for Jen, and
think about what she needs, but that means I have to work with someone I hate.
I should be worrying about our baby right now, not Jen’s.”

Eric
pulled me down onto the couch so I was sitting in his lap. I buried my head in
his chest.

“I’m
sorry,” he said, brushing my hair back from my face. “I’m so sorry. You’re
right, you should be thinking about our baby. It’s not fair.”

“It’s
not,” I cried, knowing I was close to hysteria now. “It sucks!”

His
chest rumbled a little bit with his quiet laughter. “It sucks big time.”

“And
then you got so mad at me—”

“Kiki,
I had every right to get mad at you,” he said, his voice quiet but firm. “I
felt like you were manipulating me. That’s not the way to bring a child into
the world.”

“I
know I should have talked to you,” I said, my tears increasing again. “I know I
got way too obsessed with all that fertility stuff without talking to you. But
I swear
,
I wasn’t planning to sleep with you just to
get pregnant. I wanted to tell you what I was thinking. But you had to be all
sexy, kissing me and carrying me around.”

“You
think I’m sexy?” he asked.

His
tone made me burst out laughing, even in the middle of my tears. “I’m trying to
explain,” I said, hitting his chest.

“I
know,” he said, grabbing my hand and holding it against his heart. “I know you
weren’t trying to trick me.”

I
breathed a sigh of relief. I could handle the rest of it if I knew Eric and I
were okay.

“But
that doesn’t mean what you did was cool. We need to talk about it. Here, sit up
and blow your nose. I’ll get you some water.”

“Don’t
go,” I said, holding him tightly. “Not yet.”

I
sat up in his lap, taking the tissue he
offered
and
blowing my nose. After I wiped my eyes I felt a little more in control.

“Kiki,
you have to stop this obsessive stuff,” he said, looking into my eyes. “There’s
just no reason for it. When you get like that it makes me feel like we’re not
in it together, you know?”

I
looked down, feeling bad. He had said similar things to me before, during
wedding planning, about the house hunt. Why couldn’t I learn from my mistakes?

“We
have to be a team,” he said firmly. “It’s the only way this is going to work.
Okay?”

“Okay,”
I said, nodding enthusiastically. “I promise I’ll be better.”

He
shook his head. “You don’t need to be better. You just need to communicate with
me.” He grinned suddenly. “That way I can talk you down when you get too
crazy.”

I
gave him a watery smile back, but his
face hardened
.
“I still don’t like this Sarah crap,” he said.

I
swallowed. “I don’t like it much myself,” I said. I considered telling him that
it was her pot-stirring that had made me so crazy about getting pregnant again
in the first place. I knew it would make him mad all over again, but we had
just promised to be honest with each other. Surely that didn’t mean every
little tiny thing though, right?

“Jen’s
doing most of the work with her,” I said, deciding not to go there right then.
“You know how she is with weddings. It’s nice having an ally—Jen thinks
she’s about as awful as you do.”

“Jen’s
a smart girl,” he said darkly. Then he sighed. “I just think this is a terrible
time to be exposing yourself to her crap. You’re having a hard enough time as
it is.”

I
kissed the corner of his mouth softly. “I’m a big girl,” I said. “But it’s nice
of you to worry about me.”

“I
always worry about you. Even when we were fighting, I couldn’t stop thinking
about you, wondering how you were.”

“You’re
a very sweet husband, Eric Thompson,” I said, kissing the other corner of his
mouth.

“And
you’re a very sweet wife.” He looked down at me for a moment, his eyes darkening.
“Could we maybe pick up where we left off the other night?” he asked, his voice
low. “No baby stuff. Just you and me.”

I
grinned. “I thought you’d never ask.”

Chapter Twenty-one

I
had hoped everything would get back to normal after that. Fighting with Eric
was something I did not want to experience again. And things were better, when
we were together. Unfortunately, that was happening less and less as the weeks
passed.

Plans
for Sarah’s wedding were in full swing. I was spending more and more time at
the office, calling vendors, arranging appointments, and trying to find staff
to take care of all the details. For the first time, I really appreciated how
much work Jen had put into my wedding.

To
complicate matters, Jen was suffering from some serious morning sickness.
Unfortunately, the sickness did not limit itself to the morning. It seemed she
was constantly running for the bathroom or the nearest trash can. She was
surviving solely on saltine crackers, which seemed to be the only thing she
could keep down.

“It
wasn’t like this for Ginny,” she told me weakly one afternoon in early May. She
had just returned to the conference room from a particularly long dry heaving
spell in the bathroom and looked shaken and weak. “She felt great by the time
she got to the second trimester. I don’t understand why I’m still so sick. I’m
nearly five months along.”

“It’s
different for everyone,” I soothed, rubbing her back. “Try not to worry. Hey,
did you guys decide on a nursery theme?” I asked, trying to get her mind off
how crummy she felt.

Jen
smiled weakly. “Matt is trying to talk me into a sports theme.”

I
wrinkled my nose. “You don’t even know if it’s a boy.”

“He
says his baby will be into sports whether it’s a boy or a girl.”

I
laughed, missing Matt suddenly. Jen and I had been so busy at work I hadn’t
seen them socially in a while.

“Are
you sure you don’t want to find out?” I asked, giving her my best convincing
look. “Wouldn’t it be so much more fun if you knew?”

“I
want to be surprised,” she said firmly. “And those puppy dog eyes of yours
aren’t going to make me change my mind.”

I
affected a long-suffering sigh,
then
grinned at her.
“You can’t blame me for trying.”

Jen
looked down at her phone, checking the time. “We should probably go. We don’t
want them to get there before us.”

I
whimpered a little. “Can’t we send Barbara instead?”

“You’re
a big girl, Kiki,” Jen urged, standing up and gathering her things. “You can
handle a little wedding dress shopping.”

The
drizzly weather matched my mood perfectly as Jen and I set out from the office.
We were meeting Sarah and her mother at the most upscale bridal boutique in
town.

“I
notice you haven’t arranged a limo,” I told her as we climbed into my SUV. I
loved my car. My mother was forever telling me to upgrade, as I’d had it for
four years now, but I refused. It was the first thing I had bought with my own
pay. In luxury, it was a step down from the car my dad had given me in college,
but I didn’t care. It was all mine.

Jen
snorted as she fastened her seat belt. “Yeah, I didn’t think Sarah deserved the
whole Kiki Barker experience.”

I
laughed. Jen and I had looked at this same dress salon for my own wedding. She
had arranged an entire day
for me and my bridesmaids—a
limo, champagne and muffins for the ride,
a fancy lunch. It was one of
my favorite memories of wedding planning—which probably explained why I
was so happy we would not be repeating it for the likes of Sarah.

We
reached the boutique ahead of the
Vandermarks
. As we
stood on the sidewalk waiting, I felt irrationally angry that Sarah and her
mother were late.

“It’s
raining out here,” I muttered.