The Tutor (19 page)

as fellow reading enthusiasts. And there was something about that library that always seemed to put us on the verge of kissing. His polite invitation felt like an
invitation
, but I knew he didn’t want me to misconstrue his meaning.

“I promise to be utterly impressed and jealous that you had the opportunity to

meet the great man.” I made light of the situation to put Richard at ease.

But as he led the way from his study to the nearby library, I believe we both

wondered what might happen next. For attraction always simmered between us.

Something invisible yet undeniable tugged us toward each other like a cord of destiny, or an inescapable curse such as that suffered by Dorian Gray.

The library was dim as always, the long brocade drapes closed to keep sunlight

from damaging the books. The hushed atmosphere couldn’t help but make one feel the need to practically whisper when speaking.

Richard opened a pair of doors at the base of the bookshelf near the fireplace.

Inside were stacks of
Lippincott’s
and other periodicals. He sorted through them until he found the issues he searched for.

At the library table, we sat side by side to study the magazines in the glow of a

lamp. I thumbed through a chapter. “I adore the description of Gray’s house and his person. So vivid you can nearly feel yourself there.”

Richard pushed another magazine to me, and there was the bold signature of the

author himself gracing the end of that month’s installment.

“Did Wilde seem as magnetic as the engravings of him in the newspapers? What

did he talk about?” I enquired.

“His features are rather too long and prominent to be considered classically

handsome, but he’s quite striking, with flowing hair and piercing eyes. And when he began to tell a story, even the most self-involved snobs fell silent to listen. He offered satirical, thinly veiled comments at the expense of some of the very people in the room.”

I could hardly imagine withdrawn Sir Richard at a glittering society party. But of course, he and his wife must have spent seasons at their London home. They couldn’t have always remained secluded in the country. This led me to wonder if Lavinia had been a happier person in town and if her mental state deteriorated at Allinson Hall.

“I’ve heard it said Wilde lives almost openly with his lover, Lord Alfred

Douglas,” I gossiped. “Now
there
is a handsome man.”

Richard grew stiff, as if the topic struck too close to home. “I couldn’t say. I’ve heard allegations, but know nothing about the man’s personal life.”

“One would think having money and a presence in society would make it easier to

carry on secret affairs. But I sometimes think the lower classes actually have an easier time of it. Fewer eyes watching us and hardly anyone interested in the details of our lives.”

Richard remained silent, staring at Wilde’s signature. When he spoke again, his

voice was so quiet, I understood what an effort it was for him to ask his questions. “How did you carry on with that man you mentioned to me before? How did you carry on your affair?”

“I met Sylvester the way blokes like me often meet gentry coves—in a

churchyard. He’d come seeking service, which I provided,” I stated baldly. “But it became something more. We talked and laughed afterward, and he sought me out again.

And again. Soon he asked if I’d like a nice flat on a quiet street not too far from his house.”

“I see.” Richard now gazed at his hands, clenched together on the table. “He kept

you, then.”

“You needn’t make it sound so filthy. We were quite happy in the few years we

spent together. We each provided what the other needed, companionship and a sexual partner.”

“But it didn’t last. It couldn’t,” Richard said almost to himself.

“It could have if Sylvester wanted it to. I would’ve remained loyal to him for all my days. It was he who lost interest and grazed in greener pastures.”

He looked at me at last. “Did he kick you out on the street?”

“Not exactly that rudely, but yes, I had to move to other digs so he could put up

his new boy. Luckily, I had an education by then, the skills necessary to find a job with a decent wage.” I shook my head. “The loss of a place to live and an allowance didn’t matter to me. I cared that the man I placed my faith in no longer cared for me.”

Allinson nodded slowly. “That must have hurt terribly. I’m sorry.”

I held his gaze. “Will you tell me about yours now? The groom who broke your

heart?”

“He didn’t… It wasn’t like that, and anyway, I don’t wish to discuss it.”

“I think you do. I believe you’ll feel better after sharing the story with one who understands.”

He glared at me. “You are rather relentless, aren’t you?”

“I’ve been called so, but I think tenacious sounds more positive. My friends say

I’ve a good ear for listening.”

“So I gathered from things you’ve mentioned about your many friends. But are

you any good at keeping the secrets they confide?”

I made a lip-buttoning gesture. “Whatever you tell me in the privacy of this room

will not go beyond these walls. You can count on that.”

Richard closed the magazine in front of him and sat back in his chair, considering.

At last he began to speak. “Jerry Eccleston was a striking man, but I never dreamed of having any sort of dalliance with him. As I said, we started by exercising the horses together. But we’d stop to water them, sit by the stream, and talk. I began to look forward to those daily rides more than anything.”

He fell silent for too long, riffling his thumb along the magazine corner. “Though we never did more than talk, the feeling between us grew until it was difficult to ignore.”

I knew that desire all too well, since it percolated between us even now.

“We avoided any sign of affection, and at times I thought my desire was one—

sided, but when one feels so strongly and sees a certain look in a man’s eyes…”

“It’s undeniable.” I grew suddenly jealous of this Jerry Eccleston, who’d had

Richard’s first wide-eyed, dewy-fresh love in the palm of his hand and apparently

mucked it up.

“One day we could keep apart no longer. What began as an argument, about

nothing, really—the condition of the carriage—was an excuse to snarl and butt at each other. And then we collided like two trains.”

A tickle of lust pulsed low in my groin. I felt the slow build-up of heat and

subsequent explosion he described.

“The fury of our argument carried us from inside the stable to outdoors. In the

shade behind the building, we grasped at each other. And then we were suddenly kissing, not caring who might spot us. Such a kiss, I…”

Richard inhaled with a little gasp that made my stomach flip. I craved that sort of a kiss. He’d given me a harsh, bruising one in the chapel, but that was all. Though I’d had this man’s cock in my mouth and mine in his, I suddenly wanted much more than that.

Cock is cock, but a kiss with the right person could be magical. I pressed my fingers to my lips and waited for the rest of the story.

“No more than that. We simply kissed and held each other, our hands roaming.”

His eyes were far-seeing, as if he relived the moment again. “When I stepped away, shaking with desire for more, I felt compelled to look up the tower window. Those windows are recessed so deeply, I could hardly see inside, but I detected Lavinia’s blue dress, and I knew without a doubt she’d spotted us from her eagle’s perch. The exhilaration I’d felt only a second earlier burst like a soap bubble.

“I’d shamed my wife, broken my vows, and destroyed any hope that Lavinia and I

could salvage our pitiful marriage.”

“All this from one little kiss?” I tried not to sound cheeky but wanted him to

understand he continued to judge himself too harshly. “Marriages have survived much worse than the couple leading separate lives and having lovers on the side.”

Richard became suddenly aware of me and stared at me as if I’d lost my mind.

“She saw me
kissing
a man!”

“Don’t you think she’d already guessed at your inclinations?” I asked gently.

“Women aren’t the innocent fools many husbands think they are. She must have known you had little interest in her sexually and possibly figured out why.”

He gave a frustrated click of his tongue. “She was too innocent. She never would

have considered it. Lavinia couldn’t view what she saw as anything other than a betrayal.

I’d begun avoiding her, pretending I didn’t know she spent most of her days up in that damned tower while I was out riding the countryside. Though I sent Jerry away that very day, it was too late. Lavinia hanged herself that same night.”

“You
fired
the bloke? On the spot? No second chances? You just cut him loose?”

So much for my assumption Eccleston was a heartbreaker. Allinson had behaved like

Leighton, taking what he wanted from a man and then chucking him out.

Richard frowned. “I gave him a stellar reference, but I had to send Jerry away to

prove to her I wouldn’t stray again. You’re missing the point. Lavinia was so distraught, she
killed
herself because of what she witnessed.”

“Many things lead a person to give up hope in life. That transgression was

probably the least of what troubled her.”

The moment was tailor-made for me to bring up my theory of an evil entity with

the capability to twist a person’s mind and fill her with enough sadness to make her seek solace in death. But I still couldn’t bring myself to voice the outlandish proposition to Richard, especially not when he was already glaring at me.

“I thought you’d realized her death wasn’t your fault. That’s what you told the

boys,” I reminded him. “So will you continue to let guilt eat you away from the inside, or will you offer yourself a pardon and a fresh start?”

He rubbed the heels of his hands into his eyes, shoulders slumped in exhaustion.

“I’ve mucked things up so badly on all fronts, I don’t know if I can ever fully forgive myself.”

“A little bit, then.” I put my thumb and forefinger an inch apart. “You’ve done

well by repairing things with Whitney, and you can keep trying with Clive. You must let go of your guilt about Lavinia. As for Jerry Eccleston, you might find out where the man landed and send him a note of apology.”

He drew his hands away from his eyes and looked at me. “I did treat him rather shabbily. That hardly occurred to me, given everything else I’ve done wrong. Thank you for reminding me of yet another reason to feel guilty.”

I smiled. “That’s your fatal flaw. You need to stop thinking that way. Look at me.

I’ve misbehaved many times in my life but never feel guilty. It’s a debilitating emotion that does no one any good.”

“You are very wise for a man with no code of ethics.” He almost smiled back.

“I have ethics, but they’re my own brand.” I gave him a wink.

Richard snorted, then burst into laughter, which naturally made me laugh too.

And soon we were uncontrollably chuckling about a joke that wasn’t all that clever. My amusement wound down, but Richard laughed until he gasped for breath and tears rolled down his cheeks, a release he’d sorely needed.

“See how much better you feel?” I rested my hand on his sleeve and squeezed the

hard arm underneath. Richard turned his palm up, and I slid mine down his sleeve to clasp his hand, our fingers entwined. He wiped his eyes with his free hand and looked at me.

Stripped bare of his aloof manner and arrogant bearing, Richard was simply a

beautiful, vulnerable wreck of a man, yearning for affection. Affection I was happy to give.

I leaned closer, paused, and moved again until my mouth hovered a breath away

from his. He didn’t draw back but bent toward me. I seized the kiss from his lips with a delicate pluck, his soft, warm mouth opening sweetly under mine. I took a taste of it…

and another…each kiss deeper until at last my tongue swept inside and rolled over his.

Our lips mashed together with bruising force. Ah, this was the kiss I’d wanted, a

passionate merging that echoed through me like a gong.

Our hands were still awkwardly clasped on the table. I let go to cup his face. The scrape of stubble against my palm made me shiver. I wished I could feel that scrape on my inner thighs. Cradling the hard contour of his jaw, I rubbed a thumb idly at the corner of his mouth, then pulled back to study the mouth I’d been feasting on. The damp, plump lower lip begged to be bitten. I traced its curve, and when Richard’s lips parted, I slipped my finger inside. His tongue bumped against it, teeth nibbling lightly.

At the gentle pressure of my finger, his mouth opened, jaw dropping slightly. I

gazed at that open mouth, and my cock ached to fill it. I envisioned pushing Richard onto his knees and standing in front of him, feeding my staff to him. Soon, but not yet.

I kissed him again, wide, wet, seductive kisses I bet his burly groom hadn’t

known how to deliver. I was determined to out-kiss a man I’d never met, to make Richard forget Eccleston had ever existed, to become the
only
lover to occupy his thoughts and his body. The feeling of jealousy didn’t suit me. I hadn’t been this put out even the day I’d met Sylvester Leighton on the street with his new lover by his side.

My feelings might have been hurt by Sylvester’s abandonment, but I understood

the ways of the world and hadn’t been shocked or too emotionally devastated by his shift of affections. This unexpected rush of unadulterated annoyance at Eccleston and possessiveness of Richard, a man I’d never own, took me aback. My normally even keel seemed to be disrupted by choppy waves.

Sitting in side-by-side chairs while attempting to get closer was impossible. I

shoved mine aside and sat on the library table to face Richard. He stood and moved between my legs, his hands at my waist. I locked my legs behind him, pulling him nearer, tangling my fingers in his hair and holding his head so I could kiss him more fiercely.