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Authors: George Chambers,Raymond Federman

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The Twilight of the Bums

BOOK: The Twilight of the Bums
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THE TWILIGHT OF THE BUMS

George Chambers and Raymond Federman

 

with cartoon accompaniment by T. Motley

Contents

ONCE UPON A TIME

FOOLISH QUESTIONS

AN AMAZING DISCOVERY

THE MIRROR

A LOVELY GLITTERY SUNNY DAY

CONCERNING FRIENDSHIP

THE BUMS ARE HAVING A DIALOGUE

ON THE RIVER BANK (1)

AN OLD FRIEND

ANGELS

ON THE RIVER BANK (2)

ANOTHER DOZEN OF OUR BUMS' REFLECTIONS ON FRIENDSHIP

THE SCORPION & THE CROCODILE

THE PITCHING WEDGE

DESERT STORM

SQUALL

DARK SHADOWS

AND ONE MORE DOZEN OF OUR BUMS' REFLECTIONS ON FRIENDSHIP

OLD POLISH PROVERB

THE BIG SHOOT-OUT

THE WOMAN OF GREAT RESISTANCE

THE PRINCESS & THE FROG

A LITTLE REQUEST

EXCHANGING VIEWS

THE SOCIOLOGY OF WIFEHOOD

A DELICATE SITUATION

THE AGING PROCESS

PENNIES IN HEAVEN

BOCCACCIO

IN THE HOSPITAL

THE SEX NURSE

THE SKY BOX

CHEZ MONETTE

A SERIOUS DISCUSSION

THE COSTUME BALL

A CURIOUS ARRANGEMENT

THE TURNCOATS

STEP-MOTHERS

WISLAWA SZYMBORSKA

REPROBATION

THE LIFE OF THE ARTIST IN MONTPARNASSE

TITLES

POETICS

DAS LEBEN IST EINE COLLAGE

CLARIFYING THE FACTS

LOVE GAMES

COLONIAL HELMETS

WINTER WHEAT

THIS & THAT

THE BEAUTY OF LONELINESS

EXCHANGING GIFTS

THE CREATURES OF CULTURE

BIRTHDAY

THE DEATH CERTIFICATE

THE QUESTION

THE FIGHT

NIGHT BURIAL

CERTIFICATION OF PURITY

THE PEAR

THE PRECIPICE OF HISTORY

HOLOCAUST THEME PARK

A FISH STORY

HOT TEA IN GLASSES WITH LEMON

DEUTSCH-LAND - DEUTSCH-LAND GERM-ANY - GERM-ANY

SLOGANS

SOLO

SHARED FAMILIARITY

QUESTIONING THE WOMAN OF GREAT RESISTANCE

DEAR READERS

AT THE BARBER SHOP

A BIT OF HISTORY

DUEL AT SEA

THE FAILURE OF WORDS

A NOTE ON “DUEL AT SEA”

NUMEROLOGY

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

THE BUMS WHO WOULD BE KINGS

A STORY ABOUT A STORY WITHIN A STORY

PLAYING THE NUMBERS

A DOZEN BUMSAYINGS

THE LIAR

MICTURITION

FELO DE SE

FINAL SETTLEMENT

TWO BUMS LAUGHING

For all those who refused to grow up

ONCE UPON A TIME

Once upon a time, and what a screwed up time it was, two old bums met (midway between here and nowhere) and by chance discovered they had the same birth date and the same size shoes, so they decided to be friends. It was a strange encounter, one that seemed predetermined. And it became even stranger when they realized they shared the same shadow, even though one was huge with a Buddha belly, and the other small with an eagle face.

Years went by and it came time for them to die, for as fate decreed, they both had something terminal, and both given at most six months to live. This the two bums accepted but what tormented them was the fact that they had only one pair of socks between them. And so, as friendship dictates, they spent the last six months of their lives each wearing only one sock.

FOOLISH QUESTIONS

How did the bums meet? Dear Reader, you are of a rather cumbersome curiosity. By the Devil what does it matter how the bums met? But if you insist we will tell you that they met by chance, like everyone else.

What are their names? What do you care? Does it matter if their names are Sam & Ace or Um & Laut or Blank & Blank or F & C or Bum One & Bum Two or B Plus or B Minus? They are bums, and that's what they should be called.

Where do they come from? The nearest place. No, that's wrong! The farthest place.

Where are they going? Does one really know where one is going?

What are they saying? Bum One is saying nothing. He is listening to Bum Two who is saying that everything that happens to them here on earth, good or bad, is written above.

AN AMAZING DISCOVERY

Walking westward down the road one afternoon under a bright blue sky the sun at two o'clock the two bums noticed that only one shadow was cast on the ground for both of them.

How strange! The shadow they flung to the ground with a certain disdain was of one man only though certainly they were two here.

One of the friends (no need to specify which) said to the other: Please, forgive the audacity of such a bold presumption, but I believe we share the same shadow.

Does that mean that I could be you? the other asked, for it was his turn to speak.

The one who spoke first did not reply, but to himself he thought: That depends on your birth date, the size of your feet, and your willingness to share.

THE MIRROR

The old guys are making faces in an old mirror that one of their wives has tossed out. (You understand these guys have wives kids houses mortgages debts careers and so on but that they are bored silly). They are performing heroic busts of military heroes, heroic profiles of the victors, and so forth. Then, at the same moment, they pause, for they have realized that they are looking at each other's reflection. The fat one says, Do you see what I see? The thin one says, Do you see what I see? (You understand these guys are, except in point of birth and sock size, completely different in every regard regarding ethnicity culturicity gonadicity, historicity structuralicity theologicity etcticity). Nonetheless, they continue to stare at each other in the mirror thus exchanging images when all of a sudden the fat one cries out, Sonofabitch, you're starting to look like me!

BOOK: The Twilight of the Bums
8.03Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
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