The Unbalancing Act (13 page)

     I walk Loretta back to the kitchen and help her catch up since we took so much of her time. After serving dinner to all the mentally deranged, I head back to my room. I am exhausted, literally, exhausted. I hear a knock on my door and in walks Katelyn, with my little white cup.

She looks at me with her perfect smile. “What just happened back there tonight was amazing. You know, that’s the most I’ve seen Lauren smile since she’s been here. Even if it was only for one day, at least she got a chance to be happy. Good job tonight, Vada. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you still, you’re charts are confusing even to me, but you can’t be that crazy to go and do a thing like that. Really…good job.”

“It was no problem. I think that Lauren is a sweet person who needs some friends. What can I say?  She’s somebody’s daughter. Once you have kids you start looking at everybody that way. It’s kind of strange, but I hope that people will look out for my kids someday even if I’m not around. I mean, what if I died in a car accident or something?  I would only hope there would be people looking out for my kids, you know? 

Katelyn looks at me and smiles. Her teeth are so white! I smile back but keep my grin tight and closed. I’m getting whitening strips as soon as I get home.

“Hey Katelyn, I think I am ready to tell you what my true diagnosis is. I’ve dealt with this my whole life so I have learned to control it. Telling you this is hard for me, but I want you to know. You really don’t know, Katelyn?  The doctors haven’t spelled it all out for you?”

“No, what is it?  I’ve tried connecting the dots, but...”

“I have multiple-personality disorder.”

“No way. Oh goodness, Vada! I had no idea.”

“Yeah, I know right? So what you saw tonight, well that was Gandhi...he comes out when I try to bring peace.”

Katelyn looks confused. “Vada, I think you better rest for the night. I’m going to have your meds reevaluated in the morning. You are doing a great job of hiding this, if that’s what you’re trying to do. I have never actually met a patient with multiple personalities, but I guess that explains why you charts are so confusing. This is a first for me. I didn’t know....I just...”

“Now that you know, I guess I can let you meet Paul,” I say. I get up from the bed and I grab a hairbrush from the dresser. Katelyn’s excited expression changes to kind of freaked out. I walk very slowly over to her and lean in taking long deep breaths. “Paul wants to come out and meet you Katelyn,” I say softly. Her face is blank and she looks like she’s on one of those carnival rides that spin and lift your feet off the ground and keep your whole body stiff. I think she’s going to scream.

“Katelyn they are coming, they are almost here. Move Katelyn,
move
!”  She looks terrified. I start galloping around the room like I’m riding a horse and yell “The British are coming!  The British are coming!” I keeping galloping, hold my hairbrush up, and yell out “One if by land, two if by sea!”

Katelyn finally realizes what I’m doing and she starts yelling, “You idiot. You scared the crap out of me, Vada! I swear I almost peed in my pants. What the heck is wrong with you?”

Still laughing, “I told you what’s wrong with me. I have multiple-personality disorder.”

“Ha Ha! Very, very funny. You know what Vada? You need help!”

“No shit, Sherlock, look around. That’s why I’m here.”

We actually both laugh at that and she’s not mad anymore, we are both so tired.

“Okay, Paul Revere, you are a maniac and I’m almost done with my shift so I’m leaving for the night.”

“Okay, but that was rude.”

“I’m off to my hotel room...because I’m homeless.”

“Oh yeah Katelyn, about that...you remember my brother Heath that came to visit me?”

Her expression lights up. “Yes.”

“He cleared out your apartment today and he has all of your stuff stored in a moving truck in his company parking lot.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Apparently, my brother kind of has the hots for you, so when I told him your story, he was willing to help. Good thing you’re a hottie. Anyways, while your little loverboy Mikey, or PinkyDick, or whatever his name is was gone today, Heath and my dad and their buddies went and got all that stuff he bought on your credit cards along with all of your furniture and everything else.”

“Are you kidding me, are you seriously kidding me?”

“Heath says there are thousands of dollars’ worth of electronics and some really nice golf clubs. There’s even a new guitar. So Katelyn, whatever you don’t want you can always sell or take back. But now he’s left with nothing and you got all the stuff waiting for you to keep or sell or move right back into the apartment once he’s gone.”

“What do you mean once he’s gone?”

“Your name is on the lease genius. Oh...and I kind of had my brother scare the piss out of him and he told him he can’t come back. We just wanted to make sure he couldn’t take any of his “stuff” that
you
paid for.”

“Oh my God, you really are a freak show! Thank you so much Vada!” She runs over and hugs me so tight I can hardly breathe. “So he’s leaving?”

“Yes. Heath and company went back later to put the fear in him. Heath said he was scared shitless. Heath’s buddies are kind of, well, rugged. But you’re getting a security system put in when you get back...and that’s an order. Besides, from what Heath said it sounds like he’s found some other girl to leech off of.”

“Eww...you mean she was there?”

“Yep, but don’t worry. Heath said she was really ugly with a big gooey love handles and a booger in her nose.” Okay, so I was exaggerating a little.

“I knew it, but, oh well, he is her problem now!”

“So just wait a day or two, and Heath will help you move back in, okay? I wrote down his number here for you.”

“Why are you doing this, Vada? Why do you care about what’s happening to me? I don’t understand you at all. But thank you so much.”

“Oh no problem, girly. Now hand over my little pills and my schedule ‘cause Paul Revere, Gandhi, and Vada are going to sleep.”

“Goodnight Vada...you crazy girl.”

“Good. Night. Nurse.” (haha) I crack myself up.

I wake missing my kids so much. Before I can get out of bed I have to cry my eyes out. What am I doing here? I just want to be with my babies. I’ve got to call Eric.

“Eric, honey...I miss you. I meant to call you before I went to sleep last night, but things got crazy here.”

“That’s okay. I miss you and the boys miss you too. I don’t know how you do this all day Vadie. I think I’d go nuts. Oh sorry honey. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to...”

“Oh stop it. I don’t get offended anymore. You know that. Are you having Grape
Nuts
for breakfast? Or are you going
coo-coo
for Cocoa Puffs? Maybe a little
fruitcake
perhaps?”

“Vadie, you are something else. When are you coming home?”

“I’m going to find out today. I feel like my time here is almost done and I’m so ready to be back with you guys. I have two therapies and a group session today so I’m going to find out if I can be released.”

“Do you want us to come see you, baby?”

“You know I do, but I wonder if we shouldn’t just wait. It might make me too sad and I’m sure it will only be another day or two.”

“Okay, let me know. Your mom’s itching to visit. I’ll see if I can hold her off.”

“Alright kid. Kiss my babies and kiss your sweet scruffy self and then rub your balls and think of me.”

“You know I rub my balls every time I think of you.”

“That’s gross.”

“Yeah kinda, but anyways, I love you and call me tonight and tell me what they say.”

“Okay. Wait. Hey Eric, do you really rub your balls when you think of me?’

“No, when I think of you, I think...there’s my life.”

“That was so fucking sweet Eric.”

“Well honey, I’m a hell of a sweet guy.”

After breakfast, which was delicious—cinnamon toast and chocolate milk—I head off to find Jessalyn and tell her goodbye.

I see her sitting at a table by herself looking very “modelicious” and scared shitless. She is wearing a black skirt and white top with wedged heels that she doesn’t need (tall girls like to rub it in). Her make-up looks beautiful. She has a liquid-liner cat eye situation going on and it’s really working for her. I know she looks good because she wants to feel confident.

“Well, my friend, do you know what to do?” I ask.

“I think I got it. It’s all written out. I just hope I can go through with it.”

“Sabrina will meet you there. You remember what she looks like, right? She has a white Acura and she’ll be waiting in the parking lot. Trust me, it will take five minutes and you’ll feel like you’ve known her for years. I’m going to find a way to get there, if I can.
If
for some reason I can’t break out of here, just know I’ll be thinking of you!”

I’ve set it up with Sabrina to where she’ll meet Jessalyn at the party, and then she offered to just let Jess stay with her for a while until she gets a place. Sabrina is just like that. She’s always willing to help anybody, even if she doesn’t know them.

“Be brave. If you can’t do it, it’s okay; you can always kick him in the balls when no one is looking. Okay, now girl, what the hell are you waiting for?”

“Umm...my discharge papers and my ride.”

“Of course that’s what you are waiting on. I knew it. I knew it the whole time.”

We sit there for a couple minutes until fish-lips Gerri comes and hands Jess some papers to sign. Then Rita comes and hugs her goodbye and tells her she will call her to check on her.

“Where will you be staying tonight?” Rita asks.

“A friend’s house, after I leave my grandfather’s birthday party.”

“Okay, remember you can call me anytime for any reason.”

“Thanks, Rita.” And they hug goodbye.

“My ride’s here it looks like,” Jessalyn says and some sort of administrative person is waving her over. She walks away and doesn’t look back.

Well, I guess that is that. I hope she does it for her sake. I just hope I can be there to see it!

“How are we today, Vada?” he says cheerfully.

“Just peachy. How are you? Sir...umm... I’d like to talk to you about going home.”

“Really? Already Vada? Do you think you are ready?”

Is he kidding?  Ready for what?  I came. I did it. It’s been a week. I participated. It wasn’t what I hoped it would be. I’m ready to pack my shit, hit a
real
spa on the way home and then go back to my life...my family!

“Yes sir.”

“You do realize Vada, you haven’t been attending all of your sessions. It is hard to evaluate your recovery level at this point because frankly, we as your treatment team do not feel we’ve had your full participation.”

“What? I didn’t even know I had missed any.”

This guy’s an idiot. I’d like to take his tie and wrap it around his nuts and hang him from the door frame. Then as he would hang there by his scrotum I would smack him eight times in the face with his clipboard. It would be like a really fun piñata, except the only thing that would probably fall out may be an ink pen and a script pad. Hmm...This is sounding even better!

“For example, you were supposed to have had a session with your eating disorder group last night and you didn’t show.”

Well, you dummy, I was helping in the kitchen with Loretta so we could do the job you incompetent doctors are supposed to be doing with Lauren. You guys are failing because you all suck.

“Oh, I must have been confused. I had the worst headache! I’m so sorry. I’m over the bulimic thing really. I don’t even think about barfing anymore, sir.”

“Dr. Ames and I have a concern Vada, but we will discuss that as a group with you this evening. Now listen, I am not saying you are a prisoner and we’ll keep you here for much longer, but we just need to work through a few kinks.”

“Okay...I think. But just so you know I am going to check my legal rights and make sure this is all legit.”

“Whatever you say, Vada. The clock is ticking, so can we just start your session?”

“Go ahead.”

“I’d like to read from a blog post you wrote about...oh...a month ago. Yes, here it says, February 12
th
.”

Doing the Mom Thing

Okay ladies,

This is a short post today, because I’m busy busy busy! But I have a question for you lovely ladies out there. Do you have those days where you feel like your house is actually shrinking? Does it ever seem like the contents inside of it may actually be growing larger?  Why is it, that as the day goes on and the hour turns noon, your house’s walls have grown twenty-five percent closer together? Then by five it’s at fifty percent of its regular size. If your husband is an ass who doesn’t come home, or a hard worker who works late, or if he’s traveling, or if you’re a single mom...it’s practically collapsing on top of you by bedtime.

It’s called cabin fever, my friends, and there is no cure for it other than getting the hell out of your house! So here’s my answer to your cabin fever woes: Get the kids safely out of the house, grab a few of your precious belongings, and then burn the fucker to the ground!”

Thanks for listening,

~
V Bow

He sets the paper down. “I’m going to stop there, Vada. You wrote this blog post and then there was an incident that took place that following day.”

Oh, holy hell. I know exactly what he’s talking about and I don’t know why Eric had to divulge every freaking crazy thing I’ve done during my assessment! It was a chaotic week at my house. All the kids had taken turns being sick and I was behind on all the chores. Laundry was piling up and the whole place was cluttered. Having the kids sick for so long, we weren’t able to leave the house and I was feeling so suffocated. Eric had been traveling. I hadn’t had a break in what seemed like weeks. My house did seem small. My stuff seemed so big and disorganized and I just wanted out of my house. I have to admit that I kind of lost it that day. Eric was on his way home from a business trip in San Francisco. The two big boys had found some quiet time, finally, by playing Xbox and computer games. I figured I had a little bit of time, so I would straighten up the place. But I couldn’t. No matter how much I picked up or cleaned, it still looked like a tornado had ripped through the house. Before I knew it, I was throwing shit in boxes and plastic tubs. The big boys even stopped their games and helped me. I’d taken the stuff out of the closets and put it in trash bags. I had my neighbor girl come sit with the kids while I ran to the store and I bought For Sale by Owner sign and stuck in my front yard. I was going to get out of there one way or another.

Needless to say, when Eric came home that evening, he was totally freaked out to see our house up for sale and our possessions practically boxed up. I had even taken the pictures off the walls. We had a long talk that night and unfortunately I had to unpack and take the sign out of the yard. I argued that I had already had a person call me for a showing, but he just hugged me and told me he would try to make my life easier. Hearing him say that he was “committed to improving my quality of life” made me fall in love with him all over again in that second. We had a great life already, three healthy children, a great marriage, great friends, but he wanted to make it even better. Yes, I know I freaked out and went a little haywire, but who doesn’t have a breakdown now and then?

“Dr. Lipton, that day was a glitch. It was one moment of weakness where I may have gone a little off my rocker, but I’m better now. Besides, I’m going to wait and sell my house when property values go up.”

“This is not a joke, Vada. This kind of behavior is irrational. It is not healthy. You have to realize that before you have any hope of recovery.”

Really, you stupid? Do you honestly think I am proud of that? I’m not. Now shut the fuck up and let’s be done.

“Dr. Lipton, I do not think this is a joke at all. I don’t know what to say. I would never do something like that again. I have a headache.”

I am lying about the stupid headache in hopes he’ll wrap this up quickly. Dr. Lipton goes on and on like a blithering idiot asking me questions and talking about my feelings and I do my best to be polite. I let him think he is just doing his job.

Finally he shuts up and says, “Alright then, Vada. Don’t forget your session this afternoon with Dr. Ames.”

“I won’t,” I said rubbing my forehead.

“How’s the headache Vada, on a scale of one to ten...and do you need a pain reliever?” he asks as I’m leaving.

I just want to leave, so I pick a number. “Eight, and no, I’ll rest it off.” I see him write something down and I give him a smug smile and out the door I go.

I believe the smug part came in because what had started as a light hearted therapist-patient relationship has now taken a turn towards more of a get the hell out of my face this is none of your damned business relationship. I’ve got more important things to do, like go back to my room and rest.

Back in the comfort of Room 109, I find a note slipped under my door. I seem to be quite the popular one.

Thank you for coming to my birthday...Love, Lauren

That makes me happy. Now, what to do? I need to check on this legal crap and see if I can just sign myself out of here, but I’m so tired for some reason and I just want to have a teeny tiny nap. Besides, it may be the last one in a long time if I am going home. My next session with Dr. Ames isn’t for another two hours, so I’m just going to rest my eyes....

“Wake up Vada” I hear a voice.

“For what? Who caught my zebra?” I yell and sit straight up.

“Oh my gosh Vada! You need to lighten up on that Xanax. Vivid dreams are a common side effect.” It is Katelyn. “You are late to your Ames session, now scoot. Don’t get me in trouble. I’m supposed to be keeping you on track!”

I force my body out of my bed and look in the mirror. I look like Ozzy Osbourne. My hair is frizzed and all over the place, and my face looks like I need some de-puffing eye cream and a lot of make-up. I think I’ve been a little more stressed out than I realized. I twist my hair up in a knot on top of my head. I have no time for make-up so I just splash my face with water and flip flop my way down the hall and into the bowels of psychotherapy with Dr. Ames.