The Unconsoled (40 page)

"But I have no fear of such a thing," I said to him. I pointed out that I'd helped many people in this town over the years and that when I died I wouldn't be at all short of mourners. To which he said: "You never know. Things might go well for me from here. I too might have many mourners when I die. Perhaps hundreds." Then he said: "But what would that matter, if none of them really cared for me? I'd swap them all. For someone whom I'd loved and who'd loved me." I must admit, Mr Ryder, this conversation was making me a little sad and I was unable to think of anything else to say to him. Then Leo said: "If we'd had children back then, how old would they be? They would be beautiful by now." As though they take years to become beautiful! Then he said again: "We never had children. So let's do this instead." When he said this again, well, I suppose I became confused and I glanced past his shoulder at Mr von Winterstein, and immediately Mr von Winterstein came towards us making some jokey remark, and that was it. That was the end of our conversation.' We were continuing to walk slowly around the room, her arm still in mine. I spent a moment digesting what she had told me. Then I said:

'I was just recalling, Miss Collins. The last time we met, you were kind enough to invite me to your apartment to discuss my problems. Ironically there seems now much more to discuss about the decisions
you
must make in life. I do wonder what you'll decide to do. If I may say so, you stand at something of a crossroad.'

Miss Collins laughed. 'Oh dear, Mr Ryder, I'm much too old to be standing at any crossroad. And it's really much too late for Leo to be talking like this. If this had all happened even just seven or eight years ago…' She gave a sigh and for a fleeting moment a profound sadness crossed her face. Then she was once more wearing her gentle smile. 'This is hardly the time to be starting out with a whole new set of hopes and fears and dreams. Yes, yes, you'll hasten to tell me I'm not so elderly, that my life is far from over, I do appreciate it. But the fact is, it
is
all very late in the day and it would be… well, let us say it would be
messy
to complicate things now. Ah, the Mazursky! It never fails to captivate me!' She gestured towards a red clay cat mounted on a stand we were just passing. 'No, Leo has created quite sufficient mess in my life already. I've long since built up a different life for myself and if you ask people in this town, most of them I hope will tell you I've acquitted myself rather well. That I've been of much service to many of them over a time of increasing hardship here. Of course, I've not been able to achieve anything on your sort of scale, Mr Ryder. But that doesn't mean I can't enjoy a certain sense of satisfaction when I look back and see what I've been able to do. Yes, by and large, I feel quite satisfied with the life I've made for myself since Leo, and I'm quite content to let it stand at that.'

'But surely, Miss Collins, you should at least consider very carefully the present situation. I can't understand why you wouldn't see it as a fine reward, after all your good work, to be able to share the evening of your life with the man who - excuse me - with the man whom at some level one assumes you still love. I say this because, well, why else have you continued to live here in this city all these years? Why else have you never considered another marriage?'

'Oh, I've
considered
other marriages, Mr Ryder. At least three men over the years I might easily have settled for. But they… they weren't right. Perhaps there
is
something in what you say. Leo was nearby and that made it impossible for me to feel sufficiently towards these others. Well, in any case, I'm talking of long ago. Your question, and perhaps an understandable one, is why shouldn't I now end my days with Leo? Well, let us consider for a moment. Leo is sober and calm now. Will he remain like that for long? Perhaps. There's a chance, I'll allow that. Particularly if he now wins recognition here, becomes a figure of renown again with large responsibilities. But if I agree to return to him, well, that'll be a different matter. He will decide after a little time to destroy everything he's built, just as he did before. And where would that leave everyone? Where would that leave this city? In fact, Mr Ryder, I rather think I have a public duty not to accept these proposals of his.'

'Forgive me, Miss Collins, but I can't help feeling you're really not as convinced by your own arguments as you would like to be. That somewhere deep down you've always been waiting and waiting for your old life, your life with Mr Brodsky, to resume. That all your good work, for which I don't doubt the people of this town will always be grateful, you nevertheless looked on it essentially as something to be getting on with while you waited.'

Miss Collins leaned her head and considered my words with an amused smile.

'Perhaps there's something in what you say, Mr Ryder,' she said eventually. 'Perhaps I wasn't so aware of the speed at which time went by. It was only recently, last year in fact, that it really struck me how time was getting on. That we were both of us getting old and that it was perhaps too late to think about retrieving what we had. Yes, you may be right. When I first left him, I didn't see it as such a permanent thing. But was I
waiting
, as you claim? I really don't know. I thought about things on a day by day basis. And now I find the time's all gone. But when I look at it all now, my life, what I've done with it, it doesn't seem so bad. I'd like to finish things this way, the way I have it now. Why must I get involved with Leo and his animal? It really will be much too messy.'

I was about to express again, in the gentlest sort of way, my scepticism as to whether she really believed all she was saying, when I became aware of Boris at my elbow.

'We've got to go home soon,' he said. 'Mother's getting upset.'

I looked across to where he was pointing. Sophie was standing a few steps from where I had originally left her, quite isolated, not talking to anyone. A feeble smile hovered on her face, though there was no one to display it to. Her shoulders were hunched and her gaze seemed to be fixed on the footwear of the group of guests nearest her.

The situation was clearly hopeless. Containing my fury at the whole room, I said to Boris: 'Yes, you're right. We'd better go. Bring your mother over. We'll try and slip out without people noticing. We attended, so no one can complain.'

I recalled from the previous evening that the house adjoined the hotel. As Boris disappeared into the crowd, I turned to look at the doors lining the wall, trying to recall which of them it had been that had led Stephan Hoffman and myself through to the hotel corridor. But just then Miss Collins, who was still holding my arm, started to talk again, saying:

'If I had to be honest, perfectly honest, then I'd have to admit it. Yes, in my less rational moments, it's been my dream.'

'Oh, what's that, Miss Collins?'

'Well, everything. Everything that's happening now. That Leo would pull himself together, that he'd find some position in this town worthy of him. That it would all be fine again, that the terrible years would be behind us for ever. Yes, I have to admit it, Mr Ryder. It's one thing, in the daylight hours, to be wise and reasoned. But during the nights, that's a different matter. Often enough over these years, I've woken up in the darkness, in the small hours, and I've lain awake thinking about it, thinking about just something like this happening. Now it's starting to happen for real, it's rather confusing. But then you see, it's not
really
starting. Oh, Leo might well be capable of achieving something here, he did once have a lot of talent, it can't all have faded away. And it's true, he never got a chance, a proper chance before, where we were. But for the two of us, it's too late. Whatever he says, it's surely too late.'

'Miss Collins, I'd very much like to discuss this whole matter with you at greater length. But unfortunately, just now, I'm afraid I have to be going.'

Indeed, as I said this, I could see Sophie and Boris coming across the room towards me. Disentangling myself from Miss Collins, I considered again the choice of doors, stepping back a little to take in those hidden round the curve. When I studied them in turn, each door looked vaguely familiar, but I found I did not feel confident about any of them. It occurred to me to ask someone's advice, but I decided against this for fear of attracting attention to our early departure.

I led Sophie and Boris towards the doors, still in a quandary. For some reason, there had come into my head the numerous scenes from movies in which a character, wishing to make an impressive exit from a room, flings open the wrong door and walks into a cupboard. Although for exactly the opposite reason -I wished us to leave so inconspicuously that when it was discussed afterwards no one would be quite sure at which point we had done so - it was equally crucial I avoided such a calamity.

In the end I settled for the door most central in the row simply because it was the most imposing. There were pearl inlays within its deep panels and stone columns flanking each side. And at this moment, in front of each column, there stood a uniformed waiter as rigid as any sentry. A doorway of this status, I reasoned, while it might not necessarily take us directly through to the hotel, was certain to lead somewhere of significance from where we could work out our route, away from the public gaze.

Motioning Sophie and Boris to follow, I drifted towards the door and, giving one of the uniformed men a curt nod, as though to say: 'There's no need to stir, I know what I'm doing,' pulled it open. Whereupon, to my horror, the very thing I had most feared occurred: I had opened a broom cupboard and, at that, one which had been filled beyond its capacity. Several household mops came rumbling out and fell with a clatter onto the marble floor, scattering a dark fluffy substance in all directions. Glancing into the cupboard, I saw an untidy heap of buckets, oily rags and aerosol cans.

'Excuse me,' I muttered to the uniformed man nearest me as he hastened to gather up the mops and, with glances now turning accusingly our way, I hurried in the direction of the neighbouring door.

Determined not to make the same mistake twice, I set about opening this second door with caution. I proceeded very slowly, and even though I could sense many eyes on my back, even though I could hear a rise in the hubbub and a voice saying close by: 'My God, that's Mr Ryder, isn't it?' I resisted the temptation to panic, inching the door toward me a little at a time, all the while peering into the crack to ensure there was nothing about to fall out. When to my relief I saw the door led into a corridor, I stepped quickly through and gestured urgently to Sophie and Boris.

20

I closed the door behind them and we all three looked about us. With some triumph I saw that I had, at the second attempt, chosen exactly the right door and we were now standing in the long dark corridor that led past the hotel drawing room and into the lobby. At first we remained motionless, a little stunned by the hush after the noise of the gallery. Then Boris yawned and said: 'That was a really boring party.'

'Atrocious,' I said, feeling furious again at every one of the people at the reception. 'What a pathetic lot. No idea at all about civilised behaviour.' Then I added: 'Mother was by far the most beautiful woman there. Wasn't she, Boris?'

Sophie giggled in the darkness.

'She was,' I said. 'By far the most beautiful.'

Boris seemed about to say something, but just then we all became aware of a slithering noise coming from somewhere in the darkness around us. Then, as my eyes accustomed themselves, I managed to make out further down the corridor the outline of some large beast, coming towards us slowly, emitting the noise each time it moved. Sophie and Boris had become aware of its presence at the same time and for a moment we all seemed to become transfixed. Then Boris exclaimed in a whisper:

'It's Grandfather!'

I then saw that the beast was indeed Gustav, hunched right over, holding one suitcase under his arm, a second by its handle and dragging behind him a third - the source of the slithering noise. For a moment he appeared to be hardly moving forward at all, but simply rocking himself to a slow rhythm.

Boris made eagerly for him, while Sophie and I followed somewhat hesitantly. As we approached, Gustav, at last becoming aware of our presence, stopped and partially straightened. I could not see his expression in the darkness, but his voice sounded cheerful as he said:

'Boris. What a pleasant surprise.'

'It's Grandfather!' Boris exclaimed again. Then he said: 'Are you busy?'

'Yes, there's lots of work.'

'You must be very busy.' There was an odd tension in Boris's voice. 'Very,
very busy
.'

'Yes,' Gustav said, recovering his breath. 'It's very busy.'

I stepped up to Gustav and said: 'We're sorry to interrupt you in the middle of your duties. We've just been attending a reception, but we're now on our way home. To a big supper.'

'Ah,' the porter said looking at us. 'Ah yes. That's jolly good. I'm very pleased to see you all together like this.' Then he said to Boris: 'How are you, Boris? And how is your mother?'

'Mother's a bit tired,' Boris said. 'We're all looking forward to the supper. We're going to play Warlord afterwards.'

'Now that sounds splendid. I'm sure you'll enjoy yourselves. Well…' Gustav paused for a moment. Then he said: 'I'd better be getting on with my work. We're very busy at the moment.'

'Yes,' Boris said quietly.

Gustav ruffled Boris's hair. Then he hunched down again and recommenced his pulling. Reaching a hand out to Boris, I guided the little boy out of Gustav's way. Perhaps because we were watching, perhaps because the brief pause had restored some of his energy, the porter seemed this time to make much steadier progress as he moved past us into the darkness. I began to lead the way towards the lobby, but Boris was reluctant to follow, staring back down the corridor to where his grandfather's hunched shape could still be made out.

'Come on, let's hurry,' I said, putting an arm around his shoulder. 'We're all getting very hungry.'