The Undertaker (37 page)

The bunk was only three feet wide. I never said yes, but as I shifted back against the wall, she was out of her bunk, down in mine, and under the sheet before I could say no.

She pressed her bare back up against me and pulled my arm over her. “Thank you,” she said. “Good night.” She yawned and the next thing I heard were soft, sleep sounds.

I raised my head and looked at her. I couldn't believe it, but she really was asleep. Lying there in the faint moonlight, I thought she was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen – childlike, yet all woman. Me? I was afraid to move. Lying next to each other like that, we had a lot of skin touching and I could feel the firm contours of her body pressed against me. I could feel her soft breathing. I could smell her hair right under my nose, and a hint of perfume. This was the closest I had come to girl smells in a long, long time and I realized how much I missed them. Behaving? God, I really wished she wasn't.

In the hospital, toward the end, Terri and I had talked about this. “
I love you, Peter, but when I'm gone, you've got to move on,” Terri said. “Promise me you'll find someone.”

“I promise,” I humored her, but I had no idea then what that would mean.

“I know you Peter Talbott. You weren't meant to be alone. You have too much to give and you must find someone to give it to. Now promise me. If you don't, I'm going to haunt you.”
That was our joke then. Now, I wasn't so sure.

My mind flashed back to a happier night, when Terri slept next to me on the beach. We had made love and there was nothing covering us but the moonlight. It all came flooding back – the two of us running barefoot through the sand, the tall palms, the patio of the little house, the smell of the red and green bougainvillea bushes, and soft sound of the surf rolling onto the sand. In the distance, I heard a radio playing the Eagles' “Hotel California.”
You can check out any time you like, but you never can leave.
Glenn Fry was more right than he would ever know.

I touched Sandy's hair, ever so lightly, and I touched her cheek with the back of my hand. She didn't wake, but her head moved ever so slightly and I thought I saw a faint smile on her lips. I looked out through the window and I knew Terri was up there, watching us.

“She's lovely, Peter,”
Terri told me
. “She's smart and she's funny.”

“Like you,” I whispered. “Lovely, smart, and funny, but you were taller.”

“Yes, Peter, I was taller. But she needs you now, and I do not need you any longer, my love. She does, every bit as much as you need her. My time is over now, and she's so full of life. You need to open yourself up and love her, as you loved me.”

I knew she was right, but could I let her go that easily? Could I? I pulled my hand away and closed my eyes.

When I woke, the first pink light of dawn was streaming in under the shade. I was squeezed back against the wall and Sandy was lying on her side facing me, her head propped up on an elbow, her eyes only inches away from mine, wide open, staring at me. I had seen enough of her moods by now to know something was wrong.

“What time is it?” I asked

“About 6:00.”

“What's the matter?”

“Nothing,” she answered woodenly. I gave her a look and she knew that was not going to be enough. Laying next me like this, I could feel the tension in her and see it in her eyes. She was like a rubber band stretched to its limit and about to snap. “All right,” she finally said, you were talking in your sleep. You said Terri's name a couple of times… No, you said it more than a couple of times.”

“Me? I never talk in my sleep.”

“Well, last night you did.” I could tell she was choosing her words very carefully now. “I know I shouldn't ask you this. I know I should be a big girl and let it run its course, but I can't. I need to know about Terri. I need for you to tell me about her.”

“Tell you about Terri?” I smiled.

“I may never get this chance again, Peter. I need to know what I'm up against.” She laid a hand on my chest. “I need to know if there's enough room in there for me too.”

She rolled over, pressed her back up against me, and pulled my arm over hers again. “Okay, I'm not looking at you,” she said. “My eyes are closed, I'll shut up. Now, tell me all her, and about you. Then I'll tell you about me. Yesterday you said we didn't know much about each other. Well, by the time we get off this train we will, and maybe we can figure out what we're going to do with each other, okay?”

This moment had terrified for the past two days; no, for the past year. Now that it had come, the anxiety, the tension, and all the guilt were gone. Suddenly, I didn't mind her asking and I didn't feel awkward telling her about Terri, either. In fact, there were many things I wanted to tell Sandy now.

“That isn't necessary. I already know what I'm going to do with you.” I reached over and stroked her hair again. “It's okay.”

She twisted around and looked up at me, wide-eyed. “It's okay? It's really okay?”

“Yes, and you're okay, too.” I picked up her hand and pressed it against my chest. “There's as much room in there as you want.” I bent forward and kissed her.

She threw her arms around my neck and put me in a lip lock, as tears rolled down her cheeks. Finally, she came up for air and asked, “You said everything's okay?”

“Yes, everything's okay.” I pulled her to me and we kissed a long, deep kiss as she melted in my arms. “And
you're
okay too.”

She pushed me on my back and rolled on top of me. “Then this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever had to ask a man in my life, but would you make love to me? Now? Is that okay too?” I smiled and nodded. “Good,” she said as she put her hand on my chest again. ‘Because if you'd said no, I'd have smacked you so hard your eyes would cross.”

It seemed as if it was over in a matter of minutes. We made love quickly and with far more energy and passion than skill and after all the build-up, I felt embarrassed. I lay next to her, sweating, desperate to think of something intelligent to say.

Sandy beat me to it. “It's been a long time; I hope I didn't hurt you.”

“No, but I thought we might break the bunk or knock the train off the tracks.”

“You did knock my train off the tracks,” she kissed me on the chest, softly and gently. “And I don't want to create an ego problem, but it's never been like that.”

“You are amazing,” I told her.

“Yeah, I am, aren't I? And I'll bet if we give it another try, I can even be more amazing.”

She was and we were.

Later, we lay there in the bunk wrapped tightly around each other, as if we couldn't get enough. The window shade was up and the bright, early morning sunlight fell across us. The sky was a clear, high blue, with white clouds blowing past. I couldn't see Terri's face, but I knew she was there, watching, happy for me, happy for us, happy for all of us.

“She's your biggest fan,” I told Sandy as I looked out the window.

Sandy raised her head, looked at me, then followed my eyes out the window and thought it over. “Terri?” she asked in a small voice. I nodded. Slowly, Sandy looked back out the window again and pulled the sheet up over her. “You kept saying her name in your sleep last night.”

“It's not like that.”

“It's not huh?” She turned back and looked at me, our faces only inches apart. “Because you really creeped me out there for a second.”

“All I know, is that all the guilts are gone now. In the hospital in LA, when she was dying, she told me I had to find someone else after she was gone. She knew I'm a one-girl-kinda-guy and how hard this would be hard for me. That's why I know she's happy now.”

“Good,” she said as she kissed me again. “But next time we do this, would you mind if I pull the shade down? I can get as kinky as the next girl, but this bunk is only so big and even I have my limits.”

We both laughed, but I swore I heard Terri laughing along with us. “
Like I said, Peter,”
I heard her say to me.
“She's smart and she's funny, and you need her. Now, goodbye Peter, goodbye. You don't need me anymore.”

At 7:15, we slipped the menu under the door and took a break.

“This love stuff burns a lot of calories and I'm starved,” Sandy said as we ordered most of the items on the menu. When Phillip came back at 7:45, I opened the door far enough to take the big tray from him.

“You can relax, sir,” he said. “Ain't nobody been askin’ ‘bout nobody or nothin’.”

“Great, Phillip.” I handed him cash for the breakfasts and a big tip. “We have a long stop in Albany, don't we?”

“Yes, sir, just before noon, usually forty-five minutes. Ya'll can get off and stretch a bit if you like, while they switch the other cars to the New York train.”

I locked the door and turned around with the tray. Sandy had grabbed two towels from the shower. She had tied one around her waist and the other hung around her neck so the ends covered her chest. “Sorry.” she shrugged as she pulled out the small fold-down table and sat on the end of the lower bunk. “I'm too hungry to get dressed.”

We sat opposite each other eating, but as the minutes passed, she grew strangely quiet. “What's wrong?” I asked her.

“There are some things I need to tell you.” Her eyes never left her plate.

“No you don't.”

“Yes, I do. At my aunt's, back in Chicago, I really wanted to make love to you.”

“I know that, but it would have been sex, not love.”

“I know that too. This isn't easy for me to say, so please let me get it all out. The last couple of years have been bad. Nothing was working for me. I was lonely. I was desperate for a little warmth, a little affection. I had started drinking again, drinking a lot, and I knew I couldn't get much lower. So, if a one-night stand with a nice guy like you was the best I could get, I wasn't going to turn it down.” She raised her head and looked at me, tears running down her cheeks. “But I have
never
done anything like that before, Peter, I swear it,” she said, trembling. “Never.”

“Sandy, don't blame yourself. God knows, I wanted to, but if I had…”

“I know. But when you rejected me, I was crushed. I was angry, lonely, and very depressed.” Tears were running down her cheeks, and she looked like a small, very scared little girl. I reached over with my napkin and wiped the tears away. “On the El, when I told you there was nothing for me to go back to in Chicago, I really meant it. I hate to use the “S” word, but if you had dumped me downtown yesterday or over on State, I probably would have killed myself.” She kissed my hand and gave me a pained smile. “I'm over all that now. I am, really. So, if I'm still here, driving you crazy today, you have no one to blame but yourself.”

“We really are a pair, aren't we?” I said. “I talk to ghosts and you're suicidal.”

“Not anymore.” She touched my hand. “So you can keep all your memories of Terri, and you can talk to her any time you want… as long as I can pull the shade down every now and then.”

I set the tray outside in the corridor and we lay in the lower bunk wrapped around each other for the rest of the morning. It had been a long, painful time since I felt this close to anyone, to someone who I knew needed me as much as I need her.

“You don't suppose this whole thing is just a big adrenalin rush after the Dan Ryan, do you,” I asked as I drew lazy circles on her back with my finger.

“I don't care what it is. I'm not moving… well, except maybe to do that.”

“It's almost 11:00. That stop in Albany is coming up and we need to call Hardin.”

“You'd rather do that than lay here with me like this, stark naked?”

“No, but we can come back and you can have me for the whole afternoon.”

“That's what all the boys say.”

The train rolled on through the beautiful, wooded and hilly upper New York countryside as we got dressed. Sandy gave her head a violent shake and scratched her head wildly with both hands for a few seconds, sending her hair scattering in every direction. She gave it two or three pats to push down the worst parts. “There!” she said. “I'm ready.”

The Albany station was in the lower part of downtown. We looked through the windows but didn't see any cops, strange sedans, or guys in suits and sunglasses, so we got off train and found two pay phones inside the station. I dropped in a couple of quarter and called Senator Hardin's office. As they connected us, I handed Sandy the phone. “You're good at this, get him on the line,” I said.

“Hi,” she said in a bubbly voice into the phone. “Is the Senator in?... I'm sure he is. Tell him Sandy Kasmarek, the cute little butt in the blue silk dress who worked for him in Chicago, is on the phone, and she's pregnant.” She looked up at me and winked. “You still won't interrupt him? Okay, okay, then tell him Peter Talbott is standing next to me… Ah! That name he
does
know. Yeah, honey, I'll wait… and I was just kidding about the pregnant part... Yeah, I know you knew.” She covered the mouthpiece and whispered to me, “When ya gets 'em down, ya pounds lumps on 'em,”

“Who told you that? Bobby McNally?”

“No, Father Tony.” She turned back to the phone. “Hi, Tim, you too... Well, we've been kinda busy. There aren't too many phones out here in the woods.” She rolled her eyes back and forth, mocking him. “The stories in the newspapers? I didn't know we were such celebrities... And you got the overnight package? Good… Yeah, he's standing right here… No, no problem, here he is,” she said as she handed me the phone.