The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) (5 page)

A car honks from behind and shakes me away from my sad thoughts of the funeral and of Kendall.  I begin to obstinately stare into the huge glass window to try to make sense out of the crowds of people on the other side, but almost immediately, the mean fat guy yells at me again to “KEEP IT MOVIN’!,” so I hit the gas and round the bend one more time.  Right away, thoughts of the days immediately following Kelly’s death fire away in my head again.

Kurt, who also happens to be Kendall’s Godfather, called me just hours after Kelly died to see if I was okay and to ask if I wanted some photos of our old camping days.  For some stupid Kurt-type reason he thought camping pictures would cheer me up.  Anyway, it was a nice gesture and I agreed to meet up with him at a coffee shop for the photo exchange, which I did a few days after I got back from Mexico.  Since he didn’t say a word to me at the funeral or at the memorial service afterward, it surprised me when he wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “I’ve been so worried about you.”  Why on earth that man would give two shits about me after what I did to him is beyond me.  And to my surprise, his two shits turned into three shits as we sipped our lattes.   He commended my effort to boost Courtney and Nicole’s sprits in Mexico, he congratulated the success of my yoga studios, and he even complimented my Dolce and Gabana sling backs.  I didn’t ask why.  I just graciously accepted all of the attention I had been seeking since our first dance at his high school graduation party back in 1986.  As I drove away from the coffee shop that day, I marveled at how much Kurt had grown in such a short period of time.

After that day, Kurt and I exchanged a few concerned emails about Craig and Kendall, and for a minute it seemed that maybe we could be friends despite everything that happened. But, all of Kurt's good nature went out the window when he found out that Leo showed up on my doorstep and was moving back from New York and into my cottage.  I abruptly stopped hearing from him, and I guess it’s a good thing.  With Leo back in my life, Kurt can’t be, and so I’m relieved he made things easy for me by cutting off contact.  It’s nice not to be the bad guy for once.  Even nicer not to have to come up with a lie to avoid being the bad guy!  And, speaking of lies…telling them is something I vowed I’d never do again.  We all know keeping vows hasn’t exactly been my strong point.  But I have to give it everything I’ve got.  My recently resuscitated relationship with Leo depends on it.

My effort to blend in with the other cars that are loading and unloading fails once again and the mean fat guy furiously taps his flashlight on my window to tell me to leave.  Pulling back into the fray, I once again get lost in my thoughts.

Shortly after Kelly died, I was helping Craig pack up a few of her personal belongings. Don’t EVEN get me started on how heart-wrenching it is to decide which one of your dead best friends belongings get packed up to decay in the attic, get to remain in plain sight, or get donated to Goodwill.  There are no words.  Anyway, it was during this task that Craig broke down and told me the demands of his job required him to increase Kendall’s hours in daycare.  I had to figure something out!  There was NO WAY in hell Kelly would’ve had her daughter in daycare all day when she was alive, so there was NO WAY in hell I was going to allow her to be in it all day now that she was dead!  So, I worked out an arrangement with Craig where two days a week he’d pick up Kendall at two-fifteen and three days a week I’d pick her up at two-fifteen and keep her until Craig was done with work.  I admit, with the workload at the yoga studios, some days it’s a challenge and most days I’m exhausted.  But I wouldn’t give up my time with Kendall for anything in the world, and I can’t think of a single person who would ask me to.

It’s only been a few weeks since I said goodbye to my therapist, Dr. Maria, but I already miss her so much.  What a weird way to end our time together, with an audio tape of the frantic message I left her after having phone sex with Leo.  The thought sends shivers up my spine, and I shake off the mortification of the whole thing by turning the radio louder.  I don’t have one second to be sad, embarrassed, or beat myself up, because right now I’m circling the arrival terminal at Oakland International airport looking for Leo and I want to look and feel my very best.   He’s been going back and forth from New York since we got back together to tie up some loose ends at work and pack up the apartment that he used to share with his best friend Taddeo.  When Leo told him he was moving in with me, I think the words Leo told me he muttered were “fucking idiot.”  I’m sure it was worse than that, but since I don’t have the ability to hack into any of his communication devices anymore, I’ll have to take his word for it.

In anticipation of the rush of my Leo drug, I twist the pewter Banana Republic ring that he bought for me in Mill Valley - that I gave back to him in Monterey - that he gave back to me in front of my cottage last month. He told me I can only take it off when he buys me the “real deal.”  Not believing I’ll ever need more than I have with him right now, I can’t help but wonder…
what does that mean exactly?
  It’s definitely a thought “old Chrissy” would obsess over.  But “new Chrissy” is too satisfied, too busy, too focused on the here-and-now to be consumed with things she can’t control.  Besides, when I was trying to control my life, it always got in my way of really living it.  From all that I learned from Dr. Maria, Kelly and my own experiences; I plan on living the shit out of my life, and I plan on doing it with the man who just grabbed his luggage off of the conveyer belt and is walking toward my car. With every step, I feel my Leo drug slowly seep in and melt my heart.

Finally

April, 2001

“Baby, over here!”

Forgetting for a minute that I’m in Oakland and there are about twenty people in a five foot radius that would have zero problem jacking my car, motor still running, I jump out of it and attack Leo’s face.

“I missed you so much!”

“Not as much as I’ve missed you.”  Pointing to the rolling cart behind him, “Is that cottage of yours prepared to handle this last load?”

Clinging to him tightly, I whisper, “You mean…that cottage of ours.”

After getting my final ear-full from the fat ass wanna-be police officer traffic guy for taking too long to load the car up, we set off for what I hope is a never-ending sex filled night.  You see, Leo and I haven’t “been together” since we got back together last month.  Crazy as it sounds for two people who used to maul each other, but it’s the truth.

Last month when he showed up on my doorstep and asked me if I was finally ready to be afraid with him, we spent the entire evening talking about,
and being sorry for
(that would be me) everything that went wrong between us.  I’m not sure if it was exhaustion from anticipating his arrival or exhaustion from the last three years of my life that caught up to me, but I fell asleep in his arms on the couch and didn’t even wake up when he left for his early flight back to New York the next day.  We never even made it to the bedroom.  I woke in the morning to a bunch of wild flowers he picked from the creek below my cottage and a sweet note on the coffee table that said…

“Have to wrap things up in NY.  Until I get back home, dream about me.”

Truthfully, if it weren’t for the note, I would’ve thought everything about that night was a dream.  Leo was back in my life and I could hardly believe it!  Like a modern day Snow White, I cheerfully spent the next few weeks preparing the cottage for his impending move-in day.  I cleared everything out of my medicine cabinet that contained the words: wrinkle, itch, zit, rash, and flare up.  I disposed of all of my big ol’ period panties, hid my super absorbent tampons and heavy flow maxi pads, and promptly started receiving depo provera injections.  Now that sex is on the horizon, I’ve got to protect myself and Lord knows I drink way too much alcohol to be trusted to take a pill every day.  No babies, not yet, no thank you.  It’s time for me to have some long overdue fun, not change diapers!

Seven days ago when Leo returned from New York with his first load of items to move into the cottage, you can bet your sweet ass I had huge plans for him to see my sweet ass.  I was NOT going to fall asleep this time!   And I didn’t, and not because I was having constant sex, it was because I had Kendall’s sweet little ass with me.  It wasn’t the plan, but Craig had a last minute business trip and his folks weren’t able to help him out.  That meant Chrissy, or as Kendall calls me, Ki-Ki, to the rescue. Kendall would be with me for Leo’s entire two-day visit before he had to go back to New York one final time.  Suffice it to say, my big plans to handcuff Leo to the bed and do things to him he had better hope to all that’s Holy no woman ever did to him in New York, were squashed.

Kendall was apprehensive about Leo at first.  And being a man of few words, he didn’t do much to convince her not to be.  The ride from the airport back to my cottage that day was about as odd as odd could be.  Just me…driving along in silence with my dead friend’s three-year-old daughter and the twenty-five-year-old guy I’d barely seen in the last year and eight months and just reunited with. AWKWARD!  Leo wasn’t trying to be rude on that drive home.  In fact, I think it was just as weird for him to be around Kendall as it was for Kendall to be around a big strange guy.  You see, this was the first time Leo ever met anyone associated with my old Freakmont days.  Not that he doubted it for a minute, but Kendall was the proof that I
did
have a best friend who died, that my best friend
does
have a husband who is still horribly grieving, and that her husband has a best friend who
happens
to be my ex-husband.  No shit it was a quiet drive.

And the quiet continued once we got to the cottage.  Just as I was about to suggest to Leo it might be best for him to stay at a hotel, he tenderly opened up his carry-on bag and started playing with a bunch of shitty airport gift shop toys.  Kid gold!  Kendall’s eyes lit up at the mountain of florescent plastic crap that Leo so obviously bought when he got my call about her being with me -just minutes before boarding his plane.  I watched from the kitchen as Kendall slowly walked over to the pile. When she got there, Leo said, “My favorite color is blue, what’s yours?”  Within an hour, the two of them were on the back deck overlooking the roaring creek with flashlights in hand, hunting for snipes.  By the time I tucked Kendall into bed, she made me promise that “Weo” would hunt for the imaginary creatures again with her tomorrow.

That weekend, Leo and I agreed it would be in poor taste to sleep together with Kendall under the same roof, and it was torture watching him play with her, knowing the entire time he wouldn’t be able to play with me.  While he slept on my super pretty, but annoyingly uncomfortable wicker couch, I curled up next to Kendall in my bed and forced myself to forget about the man on the other side of the wall. But you know what? Despite being celibate for more days than I care to count, the three of us had a fantastic time that weekend.  We went boating at the Lafayette reservoir, we ate dinner at one of those cook-at-your-table Japanese restaurants that ALL kids love, and, of course, we hunted for snipes.  There’s nothing that could’ve made those forty-eight hours any better.  Well, maybe one thing, and with Kendall sleeping at her own house tonight, I’m ready to collect.

Knowing tonight was finally going to be the end of my celibacy tour; I wanted everything to be perfect.  I waxed nearly every square inch of my body and spent a hundred and seventy-five bucks on lingerie that barely weighs an ounce.  Seriously, there’s no point to it other than “Hey look at me, going to all these extremes to turn you on.”  I scrubbed every inch of my cottage and my body, set up candles anywhere there was space, and prepared a dinner for us that hopefully wouldn’t come back to haunt me later while trying to bust a compromising move in bed (like in the form of a Chinese-firecracker-type fart).  Before I left for the airport to pick up Leo, I put on my lingerie, my cutest jeans, my sexiest shoes, sprayed on the same Carolina Herrera perfume I had on the night we met at Buckley’s, and then I eagerly hit the road.  And now, here we are!

Pretending to listen to Leo talk about the new job he’s about to take at Robertson Stephens in San Francisco while he drives my luggage-packed car back to the cottage, I can only hear my own thoughts and they’re saying the same thing over and over again. One year and eight months after the love of my life slammed the door on my face, I’m finally gonna get laid!

May I kiss you

May I kiss you there

Please don't move

It feels so good to me

So beautiful you are…

So beautiful

(Beautiful/Me’Shell Ndegeocello)

Glowing

April, 2001

“Wait outside until I call you in.”

His face is screaming, “Dear God, please don’t tell me you have a husband to hide,” but he’d never say it out loud.  He’ll do anything to forget about the fact that I used to have one of those things.

After a kiss that reassures me I’m about to get pounced on, I scurry inside the cottage to light the three thousand candles I set up a few hours ago.  Then, hurriedly picking my thong out of my butt while simultaneously applying lip gloss, I give the place one final look-over.  Satisfied that everything’s exactly how I envisioned it would be, I yell, “OKAY, LEO!  YOU CAN COME IN NOW!”

Not knowing what to expect, he cautiously peeks his head inside.  As his whole body enters the shimmering retreat I spent hours constructing, I can visibly see the strain of the last three years of his life (courtesy of me) melt away from his body.

“Wow, Chrissy.  This is…incredible.”