The Unexpurgated Diary of a Shanghai Baby (5 page)

Hope coolie doesn't get into habit, as family couldn't tell difference in case I wanted to squall for something.

Papa didn't go to office this afternoon on account of races. Asked Auntie if she wanted to put up a bet. “Will they give me my money back in case my horse doesn't win?” Auntie inquired.

“Of course,” said papa. “Do you think they would
be mean enough to keep it?”

Auntie said that she had read a lot about race-course sharks and wanted to be careful.

Still raining. Nothing to do but stay home with wooden elephant and watch coolie sweep dust under living-room lounge. Papa came home later, and mama asked him if his favorite had won.

“That horse was so slow coming in that the judges thought he was winning the next race,” said papa, pulling off gloves with unpleasant look. “He certainly was one poor runner.”

“How much did it cost you to find that out?” asked mama, but papa had started upstairs to get money out of mama's purse for ricsha man.

Sat in dining-room and heard family talk about bridge they had gone to at place called Columbia Country Club. Papa remarked that the family scores, taken together, about equalled the number of votes a cross-eyed girl would get in a beauty-contest.

“It's too bad we didn't play mah-jong instead,” said mama. “We might have won the mah-jong set.”

“Yes,” papa answered. “Think of all the fun the
baby could have had swallowing the counters.”

Papa said after a moment that he always had been keen about bridge.

“I love the sprightly conversation that goes during a bridge game and the kindly looks that are exchanged among the players,” papa remarked. “I am also fond of the lady who holds a coroner's inquest over every hand and digs back 13 tricks to call you to time for not having led the fourth best of your strongest suit. The only time I'm happy playing bridge is when I'm the dummy.”

“That's because you feel so natural,” said mama.

Papa started to say something, but began to whistle “Kiss Me Again” and went out to office.

Family all worked up at tiffin because I said “Daddy,” Nothing to get excited over, as have been saying it for past month. Only trouble is that family never listens to me.

Auntie went out to races with Cyril. Came home afterwards and Papa asked her how she had liked them.

“Oh, they were fine,” said Auntie. “I saw the cutest
duvetyn dress cut Directoire, and a perfectly stunning lavender raincoat with a white rubber flower on the hat.”

“But who won the races?” asked papa.

“Oh, a lot of horses,” said Auntie, pulling out hatpin. “I don't know their names.”

Papa said that if Auntie went to an execution, she probably wouldn't know if the man was being shot for stealing jade or for passing another automobile on Nanking Road.

In Which the Baby is Perturbed by Cucumbers and the Spring Meet … The Pleasures of House-Booting … The Jap Baby Springs a New Accomplishment, Thereby Upsetting Some Deep-laid Plans.

Everybody gone to races to-day. Cook took bird-cage and went after tiffin. Houseboy went to dentist for tooth-ache, but saw dentist at same place. Nobody home but amah and me. Pretty soon amah put me in perambulator and wheeled me to house of old Chinese lady, then went out toward Bubbling Well. Old lady gave me nice piece of cucumber to chew, which she told amah wouldn't hurt me because it was too big for me to swallow. Fooled her. Swallowed it. Would like to live in this house, as would enjoy chickens roosting on crib.

Amah came back in hurry, wheeled me in rear
entrance of home, took off bonnet, and had me sitting in pen when family came in front way. Told mama I had slept upstairs all afternoon. Surprised that amah has such poor memory.

Papa said that married men always lost, as he had won $50 in Pari-Mutuel, but had to spend $250 to dress up family for races.

“Anyway, a lot of people looked at me in my new clothes,” said mama.

Papa said a lot more would have looked at her if she had just blacked her face, and it wouldn't have been nearly as expensive.

Cyril came in bye-and-bye, looking unhappy. Said that he had been tipped off on a pony.

“Did you hurt yourself much when you fell?” asked Auntie.

“About a hundred dollars' worth,” said Cyril.

Auntie said it was awful the way the doctors charge in this town and that Cyril should be more careful in his riding.

Something wrong inside. Squalled all day. Mama said climate doesn't agree with me. Don't remember eating any climate.

Somewhat better. Went out with amah to Hongkew Park and saw fresh Jap baby. Looked in other direction as am not feeling in good trim yet.

Family talking about invitation to go on houseboat trip. Mama asked papa if he would like to go.

“Why should I?” asked papa. “All I have to do is to take the springs out of my bed and saw off the end so that I have to sleep doubled up like a Duplex apartment. Then I need only tell the boy to break all the bottles of chow water and forget some important articles of diet; limit the family to one washbasin; hire some fragrances strong enough to walk up and shake hands; and engage a lot of coolies to look in the window while I'm dressing, and I can have just as much fun as if I were on a houseboat trip. I never went on a houseboat party yet where the boy didn't break the water-bottles. It must be a rule in the Chinese civil code.”

Mama said that papa probably didn't miss the water-bottles very much, and papa said that he wouldn't get the credit for it even if he did. Papa remarked later that families who went on houseboat parties together either parted mortal enemies or else had so much on each other that they had to stay good friends.

Nice day. Sat in kitchen and watched cook scrub potatoes with old hair-brush. Later enjoyed pleasant time while cook's wife and amah had argument over winnings on Pari-mutuel ticket. Cook's wife bit amah's ear. Many remarks about ancestors. Busy morning.

Mama remarked at tiffin that hot weather would soon be here and that papa ought to buy a pith helmet.

“I have no ambition to go around town looking like Livingston exploring Africa,” said papa. “The chief thing I am going to get for the hot weather is a little printed card saying, ‘No, I wouldn't mind the heat if it wasn't for the humidity'. By pinning it to my lapel I'll be saved the trouble of saying it 999 times a day.”

“What will you find to talk about?” asked mama.

“Just watch me,” said papa.

Mama remarked that she had every intention of doing so.

Papa came home wearing court plaster on countenance. Said he was going to find new barber as he was tired of losing so much face.

Think court-plaster would be very becoming to
Jap baby. Will practice throwing wooden elephant so as to be ready for next trip to Hongkew Park.

Not much doing today. Had pleasant time upstairs while family went for ride in car, watching houseboy take shave with papa's new safety razor. Later saw him put on some of mama's Mary Garden perfume. Perfume had hard fight with garlic. Garlic won. Will try to keep an eye on my talcum powder.

Family came home later and mama said she didn't see why we couldn't have car too, as she was tired paying coppers in tram and having them handed back because of wrong pictures.

‘If you'd just say ‘season,' you wouldn't have to pay any coppers,” said papa. “Nobody who knows the ropes pays to ride in a tram in this city.”

Mama said that if papa was the right sort, he would buy her a car. Papa answered that if he did it would have to be cheap one without a self-starter, and he had trouble enough already cranking up the telephone.

Sat on floor with wooden elephant while family
ate tiffin. Surprised to hear papa say that trains during war were protected by amah. Didn't know she traveled.

Went out to Hongkew Park and saw fresh Jap baby wearing white apron on top of kimono and little flat red hat on head. Silly get-up. Jap family excited because baby could step alone. Awfully stuck on itself. Have decided not to throw wooden elephant, as didn't know Jap baby could walk.

Papa came home for tiffin and mama told him about new sweater which Aunt at home had sent her.

“It would be nice to have Aunt Mary come out to visit us,” said mama.

“I don't think she would like the Soochow bathtubs,” said papa with unhappy look. “Nobody but a cobra could be comfortable in one.”

“I had no intention of asking her to sleep in a Soochow bath-tub,” said mama, giving papa quick expression, “If she was your aunt, you'd want to give her the best room, but just because she's mine you don't care what becomes of her.”

Papa said that there are ants enough around in the
summer-time eating up the provisions, without sending for another from America.

Had busy time later chinning self on side of pen. Will walk soon if lucky. Afterwards went upstairs for nap and saw new coolie mopping floor with mama's mamma's sweater on broom-stick. Pleasant afternoon.

Nice day. Mama has taught amah to put funny glass thing in my mouth and then read what it says. Told amah she must cook it first.

Amah cooks it, then tastes it to see if it is all right before giving it to me. Can't find any sense in stunt, but then have stopped expecting much of family.

Family had busy time today talking about place to go for summer. Papa said he would like to go somewhere where there is good hunting. Mama answered that he could find that in any resort and he wouldn't have to go out of his room, either.

Papa said later that he hoped to find place where shoes were something to put on feet and not ground for green vegetable garden.

“Why not ask our friends about good places?” asked mama.

“We might try it, but I've noticed that people are always strongest for the resorts they haven't visited,” papa answered.

Rather looks at present as if family is going to Tsingtao. Hope so, as might find Jap babies there that haven't learned to walk. Have decided to save wooden elephant.

Papa said that tomorrow would be Friday the thirteenth and Auntie asked him if he was superstitious.

“Yes,” said papa, “I always used to hate to get thirteen days in jail for speeding and I never do like to pay bills that fall due on Friday.”

Auntie said she didn't wish anybody any bad luck, but that she hoped girl from French-town would fall down at tea dance and sprain her costume.

In Which the Baby Decides That the Life of Infant in Shanghai is One Round of Friday, the Thirteenth … New Hope for the Jessfield Monkey-House … The Baby Tries to Help Out a Romantic Situation.

Porch covered with woolen things being aired for summer. Mama said she was going to put them in moth-proof bags. Papa said that amah-proof box would be more to point. Wish there was such a thing as amah-proof baby.

Friday today. Family said day means bad luck. Can't see that luck is any worse than usual. Stuck by same number of safety-pins and have same funny feeling in mouth where new tooth is coming. Amah very busy telling all other amahs in town about family going to Tsingtao for summer. Papa told mama at tiffin that she must be raising me on cafeteria plan, as there wasn't anybody to wait on me. Didn't mind
being left alone, as was busy upstairs watching new coolie clean bathtub with mama's crocheted washcloth.

Mama asked papa if he had had any bad luck today.

“Every day is Friday the thirteenth to a married man,” said papa, reading bill for mama's new dress. Mama said that she could have married half a dozen nice men at home, and papa said it was too bad she didn't as she needed that many to pay for clothes. Auntie said just then that papa didn't realise how expensive clothes were, as she had just paid ten dollars a yard for dress to wear to Carlton.

“That oughtn't to be too expensive,” said papa. “You don't need more than a yard.”

Mama answered that she was not going around town looking like wife of a poor man, and papa replied that poor men's wives were best-dressed women in Shanghai, as that was why husbands were poor.

Had interesting ride in perambulator. Passed Hangkew Market and saw poultry man make dead ducks fat by blowing up at windpipe. Also saw fish-men painting fresh red gills on old-fashioned fish.
Later had glimpse of family cook doing shopping. Glad I take my tiffins out of a bottle.

Papa come home early and had busy time trying to get number on telephone. Mama told him he should be ashamed to swear in front of baby.

“Turn the baby around,” said papa.

“These gentlemen hello-girls make all the connections by absent treatment,” papa remarked, after saying prayers. “We're so used to not getting the number that if all the staff walked out on strike Shanghai people wouldn't know it until they read it in the paper. You stand about as much chance of getting the right number on a Shanghai telephone as you do in the Sweepstake.”