The VMR Theory (v1.1) (15 page)

Trixie sadly rang up strike three.

Catarina made no effort to hide the contempt in her voice. “A navy officer, tied to tobacco terrorists.”

Before our eyes Bobby degenerated into a blubbering mass of self-pity, which was only a slight improvement on his usual personality. “You don’t know what it’s like! Saying to pushers in the park, ‘Gimme two packs of fil-tertips.’ Puffing away in a closet, waiting for that knock on the door. Having your own children sniffing at your clothing, ready to turn you in. If s living hell, I tell you,” he sniffed, another helpless, disheveled, wild-eyed victim of nicotine madness, driven past the edge of despair.

I squeezed my eyes shut. Then I opened them. “Bobby, you don’t have any children.”

“Who recruited you, Bobby?” Catarina asked sharply. “No! Don’t ask me to betray my fellow buttheads! Ask me anything but that!”

“Bobby, you were set up.” Catarina softened her voice. “SLO must have told the Special Secret Police about your habit to give them leverage over you.”

I chimed in, “The Macdonalds are getting ready to attack, Bobby. If you keep blowing smoke in our eyes, civilization as we know it may go up the flue!”

“Ah, Ken…” Catarina looked up at the ceiling. “Right. You do the puns.”

“Bobby,” she said, “if you have any vestige of honor left, as a navy officer, tell us!”

“Aren’t we grasping at straws here?” I whispered.

For a few seconds Bobby sat immobile, staring down at the floor. “Yes, I knew in my heart that war was brewing.” He whispered hoarsely, “The man who knows—what I am—is Gregorio Smith.” i whistled. “Wow! Gregorio Smith.” I asked Catarina, “Who’s Gregorio Smith?”

“When cigarettes were banned and the cigarette lobby went underground, he became consigliore for the Interstellar Tobacco Institute,” she said quietly.

Trixie said, “I do not understand.”

Catarina sighed, then began speaking. “Smith is a ruthless rogue lobbyist. When the tobacco ban went into effect on Earth, he formulated the plan for the cigarette industry to take over organized crime. The Mafia never had a chance.” She looked at Stemm. “Why did you do it, Bobby? Betray yourself, the navy, the Confederation? Why didn’t you pull out before you got in too deep?”

“I couldn’t help myself,” he sniffled. “A thought kept running through my mind like some giant, tolling bell that the deeper I got in, the more the movie rights would be worth.”

I guess there was a certain skewed logic to it. The line between news and entertainment has gotten pretty blurry, especially since the TV stations started calling up psychopaths on slow news nights. I’m not sure I approve of the trend. I mean, when the news desk says to your average sicko, “We’re paying bonus rates for interviews, have you committed any interesting crimes lately?” the response is likely to be, “Can you call back in half an hour?”

Catarina cleared her throat. “We need to talk to the ambassador.” She handed the pistol to Trixie. “Keep him here and don’t let him hurt himself.”

She picked up the phone. “Rizvi, this is Commander Lindquist. I need to see the ambassador. No, it can’t wait until his show is over. We need to see him now!” She hung up the phone. “Come on, Ken.”

The ambassador received us wearing a dressing gown and a hair net. He heard Catarina out while his cats committed indignities on the furniture.

“This is a very serious matter,” he exclaimed, pacing back and forth. One of the ends of the belt holding his robe together dangled, and two of the cats following him around kept batting at it.

“Yes, sir. I strongly recommend placing Stemm in close confinement immediately.”

“No, no, no. I meant your questioning him without advising him of his legal rights. Officially, I can’t take action based on his responses. I mean, officially, he never said anything, right?”

“Sir, I disagree. There is also the matter of the cigarettes found in his desk.”

“Well, they could have been anyone’s cigarettes, and it was an illegal search and seizure, was it?”

“Sir, he’s a smoker.”

Meisenhelder wagged his finger. “I really think that you’re being too hard on him. I mean, each of us is a product of his or her environment, and none of us are really responsible for our actions, are we? It’s very important to keep perspective about things like this. I mean, Lieutenant Commander Stemm can’t really help being a smoker, can he?”

“I am sure we could debate this at some length, Mr. Ambassador.” Catarina flashed him the smile she generally reserves for people she’d like to machine gun. “Truthfully, I’m more concerned about the war that’s about to erupt.”

“Oh, that.” Meisenhelder waved his hand dismissively. “The Klo’klotixa government has signed a solemn treaty outlawing the use of war. If they broke that treaty, it would—it would mean nothing less than war! Yesterday, I made some discreet inquiries, and I was personally assured of Alt Bauernhof s continued peaceful intentions by no less a, personage than the chairman of the council of ephors. No, I do think that you’re mistaken about them. At this junction, we need to address the real problem, which is Mr. MacKay.”

“Look, I’m sorry about the shadur, but they were trying to execute me.”

Meisenhelder gave me what was intended to be a formidable glare. “Now, come now, Mr. MacKay. You simply cannot believe that. The government here abolished capital punishment six months ago at my express urging.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I must have been mistaken,” I said with what was intended to be heavy sarcasm.

“Well, I am glad you understand that now, but the damage is done. Lieutenant Commander Stemm has provided me with the more disreputable portions of your personnel file, and I am quite shocked.”

I shook my head. “I don’t care what it says. I turned in both those library books on time.”

Meisenhelder looked away. “Well, be that as it may, the incident with the shadur was unforgivable, completely unforgivable. I don’t know how we’re going to smooth matters over with the Peace Coalition for a Just Ecology. Why, the newspapers may even take the matter up!”

I gathered that from the ambassador’s point of view, anything that wasn’t broke didn’t require fixing, and anything that didn’t make the newspapers wasn’t broke. Catarina lightly rested the heel of her shoe on my toe.

“Mr. Ambassador, I’m sure you see how Lieutenant Commander Stemm’s difficulties complicate matters.” She patted my thigh. “If, for example, your staff were to misconstrue your instructions and allow Mr. MacKay to fall into the hands of the Special Secret Police, the press would naturally assume that this was done to prevent Mr. MacKay from implicating other members of your staff as SLO agents.”

“Do you really think that they would do that? Oh, bother. This is so confusing!” Meisenhelder sat down and held his head in his hands.

Seeing him hesitate, Catarina went for the jugular. “Inasmuch as vampires have been a persecuted minority for centuries, the press might even intimate that you are biased against vampires.”

I swear I saw the hair on the back of Meisenhelder’s neck rise up when Catarina said “persecuted minority.”

“I’m sure you’re familiar with the sad facts,” Catarina continued smoothly. “Merely for being vampires, people like Ken have been shunned, lynched, denied employment. I know that Ken won’t appreciate my telling you this, but the Interstellar Society for the Advancement of Vampires has begun documenting abuses.” She lowered her voice. “They might call you a bigot.”

Meisenhelder covered his mouth with his hand. “Not that!”

“I really think that it would be best for all concerned if you could get the Klo’klotixa government to release
Rustam’s Slipper
and allow us to depart,” Catarina concluded.

“I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to try. Oh, bother! The head of the maintenance staff came in here a few minutes ago with a protest from the employees union. The union is worried about infection, and there is a rumor someone started that you two have been sacrificing kittens to the Devil—I can’t think how that got around. The upshot is that unless I enforce my order and have you out of here within twenty-four hours, the union intends to declare a strike, which places me in an impossible position. Oh, bother!”

As we left I commented, “I’m just afraid that I’m going to be standing next to you when God drops a bolt of lightning. The Interstellar Society for the Advancement of Vampires?”

“Best I could do on short notice.”

I shook my head. “Either he’s an idiot, or I am.”

“I’d like to think there’s some merit in both positions.” She patted me on the shoulder. “Given the Confederation’s policy toward this planet, only an idiot would have accepted the ambassador’s job here. Come on, we can worry about Bobby after we deal with the bomb.”

“I’m just wondering how serious the bunny-lovers are about poking me with sharp objects.”

Catarina caught my arm. “Is that Harry’s voice I’m hearing?”

I heard it, too. Around the corner ahead of us, Harry was saying, “Oh, yeah. You remember the little guy sitting next to me? That was Ken.”

“Where is he now?” someone else asked in a thick voice.

I looked at Catarina. “That sounds like the Wild woman. She’s been drinking.”

Catarina held a finger to her lips.

Harry responded. “I think he went in to see the ambassador. Are you sure you want to carry around a knife like that? You really could trip and hurt yourself. Well, if I see him, I’ll tell him you’re looking for him.”

“Honest, and helpful, too—all that in one man,” Catarina commented. Apart from Meisenhelder’s office, there were only a limited number of places to hide. She pointed to a door. “Quick! In there.”

I went in and backed out almost as quickly. It was an occupied women’s rest room.

“I think I’d rather die out here,” I said sheepishly.

“Right.” She snapped her fingers. “Your hologram projector.”

“There’s too much light here. It’ll look phony as hell,” I said, pulling it out.

She jumped up and put her fist through the light panel overhead, landing gracefully. She lifted her hand up to wipe away some of the blood. “Ouch. That hurt.”

I kissed it hurriedly and flipped the projector on. As my cat persona materialized, Catarina slipped behind me.

Wild turned the comer with a commando dagger between her teeth and a stocking wrapped around her fists like a garotte. The look of shock on her face when she saw a huge black cat staring at her was priceless.

“Felicia, I have come for you,” I said in the deepest voice I could manage.

Wild dropped to her knees and extended her arms. “Master!” The knife fell from her teeth and clanked on the floor.

“No one must know that you have seen me.”

Wild hiccuped. “Yes, Master.”

Catarina whispered in my ear, “Tell her she has to assist Ken MacKay.”

“You must assist Ken MacKay, Felicia.”

“But—”

“You must not question, you must obey. You and your comrades must not act in haste. All will become clear.” I added in a suitably dramatic pause. “I will come for you then. Now go!”

As she disappeared I turned off my hologram and looked at Catarina. “Do you think she’s really going to follow through when she sobers up?”

Catarina shrugged. She picked up Wild’s commando knife and used one of the gemstones on her butterfly pin to scratch a kittycat happy face on the blade.

Moments later we collared Harry and watched him break the bad news to Muffy, who broke a few things herself to evidence her displeasure. After I explained how things stood, I left Harry to persuade her. He showed up at my room about an hour later, looking haggard, and locked the door behind him. “Well, I talked her into it. She called her friends, and they agreed.”

I put down the paperback I was reading. “Great. How did you do that?”

“Well, did you know that Macdonalds can adjust their body temperature a couple of degrees?” He used his hands to demonstrate. “You take an electric blanket and a pitcher of ice water—”

“That’s fine, Harry, I don’t think I need to hear the details,” I said hastily. “Any problems?”

“Well,” he admitted, “we’re going to have some trouble when we check out. The furniture here is made out of this really cheap plastic, so—”

“That’s fine, Harry, I don’t need to hear the details. Is Muffy willing to come along and show us where the charges are planted?”

He shook his head. “That was kind of a sticking point.”

We were interrupted by a knock at the door.

Harry slapped his forehead. “Oh, hell. That’s the other problem. Hide me, quick!”

“What do you mean, ‘hide you’?”

The doorknob jiggled.

“How about in the closet?” he whispered.

I waved. “Bye.”

As Harry shut the closet door behind himself, I opened the door and found Wyma Jean standing in the corridor with a fire ax in her hand. “Excuse me?”

“Oh. Hi, Ken.” She looked at the ax in her hands. “Here. Give me that.” I took the ax and set it against the wall. “Come on in. I think we should talk.”

She hung her head. “Uh, sure, Ken.”

I sat her in a chair and carefully locked the door in case anyone else wandered by. “You want to tell me what’s going on?”

She shook her head emphatically.

I folded my arms and stared at her. “Try me.”

She sighed and buried her face in her hands. “I just get so mad!”

“Harry?”

“Yeah. I gave that sleazy slug the best months of my life!”

I heard a muffled gasp from the closet. “That’s not true!”

Wyma Jean instantly sat bolt upright.

I hammered the back end of the fire ax on the bedpost to restore decorum. I pointed to Wyma Jean. “You stay.” Shouldering the ax, I walked over to the closet and kicked the door. “Come on out, Harry.”

He did so cautiously.

“All right, we’re going to do this navy style. Listen up, both of you. You may not have caught on yet, but we’re in a lot of’trouble. A lot of people here want to see us dead. Do the two of you understand?”

The two of them nodded contritely.

“We have to keep a bomb in the capitol building from going off, and then we’ve got to get off this planet. You two owe me for not telling me about the snake. If you don’t make up and stop feuding with each other, you’re off my ship. Is this clear?”