The Wanted (28 page)

Her head bobbed. “You’re a good guy, Joe. Don’t worry about me. I plotted this route hours ago. How do you think I got you here so easily?” she said, unapologetically.

Right. I was just a clueless idiot. She tramped down the hill towards the camp.

What the hell had I done?

I heaved but nothing came out. I couldn’t even get that relief.

Rash put his hand on my back. “I’d punch you, but at this point, it’d be like kicking a dog when it’s already chewed its own legs off and it’s begging me to end its suffering.”

No one could end my suffering. I gripped the rails like I was trying to pull them from the ground. Rash stood over me in judgment. As he should.

“I haven’t given up. I know she’s alive,” I said to his darkening shadow.

He took a step back from me, in disgust.

“You know, she chose
you
. And I guess I’d always assumed it was for a reason, that you deserved her.”

“Maybe I did. But I don’t anymore.”

“And what? You thought you should just add an extra nail to your coffin? Why the hell would you do this, do… her?” He pointed down the hill.

A self-pitying sob escaped my lips. “I don’t know. I was trying to forget.”

Rash’s exasperated voice pinned me to the ground. “Forget what? Rosa?”

No and Yes. I shook my head, empty of answers. “You don’t know what I’ve done, Rash.”

“Do you?” he asked sharply.

I sat back in the gravel. “What do you mean?”

“Do you actually remember what you did?” he challenged, pointing a finger at my heart.

“I remember enough.” Their faces after. All the blood.

He ran his hands through his hair, clasped them behind his head, and a landslide of curses poured from his mouth. “Get up.”

“What?” I sniffed.

“Get up, man,” he snapped angrily. “If you really believe she’s alive, then stop being such a dickhead. Ugh! What the hell do you think you’re doing? Get it together. Like now. And I suggest you talk to Deshi, like really talk to him about what happened. You’re an idiot. And right now, I should kick your ass for it.”

I stood up. He was right. I nearly did the worst thing I could have ever done to her. We wouldn’t have come back from it.

I was broken. But if I’d slept with Elise, there would have been no way of putting me, or us, back together. I’d like to think I would have stopped myself, but I just didn’t know.

I owed Rash my life.

ROSA

Colors cross my life unexpectedly. They come in streams and strokes. But at the moment, in this part, where I can no longer find myself, they are broad splashes of red against black with deep fingernails scratches dragging across the surface. Nothing else. Because I am losing my light.

I had to fight off darker thoughts. I had a shield in my hands. It was gold; it felt light and warm in my hands. I paced around Judith’s room, picking up random items, inspecting them and throwing them back into place. If this didn’t work, I didn’t even know what would happen to Gwen. Dr. Yashin never told me. I could tell from the way she hugged herself, the way her eyes pooled with moisture, shining like glass, that it was bad. Really bad. Gwen didn’t deserve to die like that. I shook my head and tried to stop myself from going back to the thought that continually plagued me. Did anyone
deserve
to die?

“No. Stop,” I said to my reflection, slapping my hands down on the dresser, beads and necklaces jingling and swaying in front of the mirror me. I couldn’t think like that.

I sat on my bed and clasped my hands tight, then released them, throwing my hands above my head. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Falling back on the bed, I closed my eyes.

Joseph, where are you now? I know you’re thinking of me. I feel it. It presses out of my chest like rays of light splitting my ribs. I want you to know that you’re always on my mind, in my heart. Memories will keep me going, but they’re like feeding a spoonful of rice to a starving person. It’s not enough, never enough. I need the real thing.

But they were all I had.

I breathed in. Filling my lungs with something other than false air and perfume.

Do you remember our first kiss?

To me, it was an explosion. A realization that maybe I could be more and have more than scowls and disappointment.
Your lips…
I clutched my chest, a sharp pang stretching and snapping over my heart. This hurt almost as much as it helped. His lips had felt like a home I never thought I could have. One I definitely didn’t deserve.

I let out a strained, “Oh.”

I didn’t feel that way now. Joseph was mine. It took me a long time to believe it, to accept it.

I reached out to the air and felt him settle beside me on the bed. If he were here, he would wiggle his arm under my torso. I’d complain that it was digging into my back. I’d roll towards his chest, and he’d fold over me. I’d say,
Your arm weighs a hundred kilos! It’s suffocating me.
He would chuckle, and I would revel in the sound. I would want to make it solid and wear it. I’d sling my leg over his and try to cover him with my small, insubstantial body. His heart would beat steadily; mine would rattle and jump impatiently.

‘I love you’ were words I wouldn’t need to say. They existed in our intertwined limbs, our mixing breath. Our beautiful child.

“Orry,” I whispered. It had been weeks. Was that too long? Would he know me?

A tear slid across my cheek and into my ear.

She didn’t knock. She slipped through the door and stepped lightly over the carpet until she was standing over the bed, her hands pressed into the sheets as she leaned over my still frame.

“You’re sleeping?”

I opened one eye and grimaced. “No.” I was dreaming. Awake but dreaming.

I sat up on my elbows and waited. Judith smiled. Which could have meant anything from ‘my hair looks good today’ to ‘Gwen survived.’

Judith handed me a sandwich, which I unwrapped and took a large bite.

“Well?” I snapped, my mouth full of bread. I was getting tired of her stretched grin.

Her face composed as she flicked crumbs from the quilt. She looked at me through slit eyes, silver eye shadow stuck in the folds of her lids.

“Your friend survived. I managed to slip the pills to her before the procedure. And then, when it was time to take them, I made sure everyone was looking at me,” she said grandly, pointing to her chest. “I also made sure she had privacy when it was time to void.” Her mouth screwed up unpleasantly at the word.

“Where is she? Can I see her?” I asked desperately, clutching the quilt.

She laughed, or more like cackled. “Of course you can’t
see
her. She’s back in the holding cells. But I can tell you she walked there. With her own two legs!” Judith said proudly, as if she’d performed a miracle.

Relief stuck in my throat. Gwen was alive, she walked, but her safety was very temporary. Each part of this plan was like climbing a crumbling staircase. Each step you mounted left the one behind disintegrating just as your foot left it. I was hanging in midair, mid-step, wondering what to do next.

I swallowed the sweet-tasting bread and asked, “So what happens now?”

She went to her dresser, sat down, and started pulling pins out of her hair or her head, who knew?

“Daddy’s procedure will take place tonight. He wants you there.”

Tonight.

I let my head fall back against the headboard. It was so soon. Too soon. My face must have said it all because Judith commented, “You needn’t look so panicked. You don’t have to do anything. In fact, the only thing you must do is
nothing
.”

Just do nothing.

Do nothing and watch Grant die.

JOSEPH

I did manage to vomit. All the alcohol hit at once and all my disgust in myself came charging out of me.

Rash jumped back. “Watch the shoes, man,” he yelled.

I wiped my mouth with my shirt. “Sorry.”

My head cleared enough for me to realize something. “Hey, you said I should talk to Desh about what really happened. What do you even know about it?” I asked, my words still slurred.

Rash swore and helped me up, yanking me away from the tunnel. “I can’t think clearly with that damn smell. God dude, have you eaten anything except beer and spirits today?”

I shook my head.

We stood on the railway tracks facing each other, well, me looking down on him. The clouds cleared a little, and I could just make out his stern expression.

“What do you think happens every time you disappear for some of your ‘alone’ time?” he asked, making air quotes.

“You make it sound so dirty,” I said, instantly regretting it.

Rash shoved me in the chest. “Don’t make me hit you.”

I kind of wanted him to. I slipped my hand through my hair. “I’m sorry. I’m an idiot.”

“Something we can all agree on!” Rash swore again and stared up at the stars. “Deshi is worried about you, and so are the others. He needed to talk to someone, and I was there. He told me what really happened. And don’t worry, he didn’t tell anyone else. I don’t even want to get started on the fact that you blamed Rosa for it when you told Matthew.”

I took a step back, preparing for him to punch me. But he didn’t. He sighed and reached out to me, awkwardly patting my arm. “Look, I understand guilt,” he muttered. I shook my head, I doubted it, but let him continue. “I know the faces are always there, waiting in your dreams, ready to torture you. You’ve got to let it go. You have to understand that part of the night was not your fault. You were trying to live.” He took a deep breath. “And I know I’ve given you hell, but it’s not because I don’t understand
why
you left her. It’s because I miss her, and I wish it had gone a different way. Honestly, I wish it had been you left on that table.”

I stepped towards him. “I wish that too, Rash. Every day.”

Rash threw his hands up in the air. “Ok. That’s enough heart to heart for me. I think I’m gonna be sick myself. Just talk to Deshi, get yourself sorted out. She’s going to need you.”

He stormed away from me, swearing and kicking rocks as he went. And it hurt me to watch him, because he was so like Rosa. But this time, I let it in. It was better to feel something than nothing at all.

He was right about everything. Look where hiding from my problems had got me. But facing them seemed impossible, like if I tried, I would lose whatever was left of me.

I had to talk to Desh.

I stayed under the bath of moonlight for a while, letting my fear subside before I moved. And I cried. I cried for what I’d lost, what I might lose, and what I might learn.

The camp was quiet. Most were sleeping. Olga was propped up in her sleeping bag, grasping a handheld. When she saw me, she blinked up, her mouth crinkled, her eyes startled.

“Sorry Olga, I didn’t mean to frighten you,” I whispered.

She clicked the off button atop the screen and dropped the handheld in her lap. “Joseph! Where have you been? I was just sending a quick message to Palma letting them know of our next move and where to meet if they want to join us for the liberation of the children and pregnant girls.” She made it sound like a party she was inviting them to.

“Right… well, I just needed to talk to Desh.” I picked over the snoring bodies until I found him, sleeping neatly on a rolled-up jacket, his hand clasped over his stomach, his face peaceful. I nudged him with my foot and he snorted.

“Desh. Wake up.”

His eyes opened slowly. “What?” he groaned, still half asleep.

“I’m ready to talk,” I murmured, aware of all the listening ears around us.

He properly awoke and sat up on his elbows. “Okay,” he said warily.

“Not here,” I insisted quietly.

We got up and walked away from the camp.

Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw a screen light up. But the moon was fully exposed now. It was probably just light reflecting off a saucepan or cup.

We walked for about half an hour. Desh huffing and puffing nervously. Streaks of pink showed through the trees. Their icy branches looked splattered in purple and pink paint as the sun started to rise. We stopped and Desh turned around, his face anguished, a couple of tears rolling slowly down his dark cheeks. He sniffed and wiped them away.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, scared of what he might say.

“I need to tell you something,” he began, and then he stared down at his feet and wiped his eyes again. “Este tortured me. She threatened me. She told me they knew where Hessa was and if I didn’t finish the healer, they would go after him and the rest of you. I took my time, made mistakes I would never usually make, so you had longer to get away from the Wall. But every hour I wasted, she made me pay for, dearly. I hated her. She was a crazy, obsessed monster,” he rattled off so fast I could barely keep up.

I put a hand on his shoulder. He was shaking. “It’s all right, Desh, I know. But she can’t hurt you anymore.”
Because I shot her
.

He glanced up at me, his eyes red. The sun filtered through the bleak, black branches and hit me in the face. I closed my eyes.

He shook his head vehemently. “No Joe, you don’t know. I watched you; I didn’t help fight off all those men. Those men were going to kill you. They tried to… But you were so strong, like a bull being speared over and over, but you kept fighting. I saw you pull one off only to have another jump on you. Every single thing you did was in defense of your life. Every… single… thing.” He annunciated each word slowly. “I could have helped you, but I didn’t. I was too scared to die.”

I flinched at his description. I couldn’t remember much. I just remember the part after, where they were all dead in front of me.

“It’s all right, Desh. I’m not angry with you for hanging back.”

He avoided my eyes. “You don’t understand. Este was watching you so intently that she didn’t even notice me. She didn’t see the gun in my hand. She had no clue. You were fighting for your life and instead of helping you, I calmly walked over and shot her.”

My legs weakened. I leaned back and braced myself against a tree. “You killed Este?” My voice was as rough as the bark I was leaning against.

Desh looked at me then, his brown eyes completely still, calm. “Yes. I killed her, and I’m not even remotely sorry about it. She threatened my son, my family.” He paused for breath. “You know that’s one of the reasons I love you, Joe. You’ve been taking this so hard because you’re too good inside. You’re a good man.”

I wished people would stop saying that.

I stumbled and gripped the tree with both hands behind me. “You’re a good man too, Desh,” I managed.

“I know. But not like you, which is fine. I just wish you’d let me tell you sooner. Maybe I should have tried harder to get you to listen, but part of me was happy to put it in the past. I’m sorry.”

I waved my hand at him. “It doesn’t matter. I still… um… those other men…”

“Would have killed you.”

But I still left her behind. I still nearly slept with Elise. It would not be that simple. These deaths and actions were not written in chalk that could be washed away. They were carved all over my skin.

I could have kept it to myself. Maybe I should have, but I felt like I had to change the way I’d been dealing with things.

“Desh, I nearly slept with Elise,” I confessed. The words tasted like vomit as I said them.

He raised his eyebrows and took a deep breath, sighing. “She’ll forgive you.”

I leaned my head on the tree trunk and stared up at the sky. The pink was fading, yellows the color of yolk taking over, shining like gold.

“I don’t deserve it.”

His voice was solid and sure. “Yes, you do.”

I chuckled because I didn’t know what else to do. It was like he’d plucked a pebble off the two-ton weight I was carrying. Maybe I used to be a good man. Maybe that was why this had been so hard for me to accept, to move on. But I liked who I used to be, and I missed being that man. “I’ll try and believe you.”

I worried that the Joseph she fell in love with was unreachable. But I had a choice. I could let what happened with Elise drag me further down. Or, I could use it as a push to grab a hold of the rope and pull myself out.

I turned my head to the clouds. The sunrises and sunsets I’d seen since I’d lost her had washed right over me. I couldn’t see beauty. I was motionless. But for the first time, I could see hope in that gold streak in the sky. I wasn’t going to mend instantly but talking about it had eased my pain and made me see the truth of that night. Each step was a small one, but at least I wasn’t standing still anymore.