The Wanted (36 page)

“Don’t you think these kids have been through enough?” Jonathan said, his voice secure. “It’s too much. Too much responsibility to place on such young shoulders.”

Stephanie “Mmhm-ed” in agreement, her body swaying as if she were a wispy, willow tree in the breeze, her branches clasped neatly in front of her.

“Wow,” I said before I could stop myself. Jonathan was being the parent in this situation, and it didn’t fit. It was too late for permission slips and groundings. I looked out on the concrete walls blown apart, the scattered souls unanchored, and considered it.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could hand over our troubles, our burdens to them? Could I just stop being the adult now?
The temptation was there, wafting thinly in front of my eyes, teasing me. I blew it from my vision. Our childhoods were over. And I was okay with pressing my lips to that shred of time and kissing it goodbye. The arms wrapped around my legs, and the arms reaching for me from the mountains, made the choice not a choice. My task was to give Orry and Rosa-May some of what I’d had, and most of what I’d never had—a good childhood.

I blinked a few times at the expectant eyes before me, wondering why they even listened to me, and said, “I can’t agree with Jonathan. For better or worse, sadly, we’re not kids anymore. But there
are
other reasons why I’m not the best person for the job. Though, that’s not why I can’t accept your nomination.” In the crowd, a pair of green eyes framed with short, pale blond hair crinkled at my words. Elise smiled, and I smiled back warily.

“I can’t
do
anything. I can’t
be
anything useful until I have my son. If you don’t need the chopper, I would like to request it and the pilot to retrieve Orry, Hessa, and the others. I promise, when I return, I’ll help you as much as I can. In the meantime, I nominate Jonathan and Pelo.” They would do a much better job than I would. I was not the one to put faith in. I was like two smashed plates. Broken and mixed together so much that I didn’t know which piece went where or even where to start.

Joseph’s hand wound around mine, and it lifted me a little. His hand shook in mine, my hand shook in his, our balance unsteady. But I gripped it tightly anyway.

Elise swept her delicate hand in the air and Joseph sucked in a breath before she said, “Aren’t we forgetting what an asset this helicopter could be? We could fly over the Superiors’ compound and blow them all to hell!” He exhaled, relieved.

Gus stomped his foot. It didn’t make much noise in the damp ground, but his anger pulled everyone’s focus to his words. “No more! No more death. If there is to be more fighting, it will not start with us. The only way forward is negotiation.” The Survivors bowed their heads in agreement.

Elise shut her mouth with a snap, and I felt bad for her. She was new. I got that.

It was a simple decision, which I knew they would support. They were as anxious to see the boys as we were. If we could convince the pilot to fly us, we could go.

“Where’s the pilot?” Joseph shouted. Someone pointed.

Deshi, Joseph, and I walked around the other side of the chopper where the soldiers and pilot sat, bound to trees.

Olga sat away from the others; her sorry head slumped between her shoulders as if it were hanging by a thread. I wanted to ask her—why? How could she do it? But I also didn’t want to hear her excuses, her reasons for telling the Superiors where we were, for making it possible for them to murder thousands of their own citizens. That, and I was afraid of my own anger towards her. Because a large part of me wanted to stomp on her until she was parts, not a whole. Pieces lying cracked and open in the mud.

They had their video now. I shuddered at the thought of them showing it in the other towns. I saw my mother’s face again and squeezed Rosa-May’s hand. She put us first. She entrusted her little girl to me. My sister. It proved something I was never sure of until now.

“Do you want to talk to her?” Joseph’s voice was edged sharply in anger.

I contemplated it and decided no. “There’s nothing she can say.”

Joseph moved his arm around my shoulders, a beat of hesitation there like there was a bubble of air between him and me he had to push through to touch me. I was trying to ignore it, hoping it was just concern.

“There he is.” Joseph pointed to a man in his thirties, his head against a trunk, his eyes rolling with the swish of the frozen leaves above him as if mesmerized.

I squatted down in front of him and sat back on my knees.

His head snapped to me.

“I didn’t know,” he said quietly as his eyes lolled back to the leaves. “They didn’t tell me what they were planning. I just fly the choppers and follow orders. I swear. I didn’t know they would do this.” His head rocked back and forth in unison with the dancing branches. I shuddered as the wind picked up, hooking into my skin and reeling me into his swirling eyes.

I reached out my hand and touched his arm. “What’s your name?”

“I didn’t know. All those people. Did you hear the screaming? I didn’t know,” he muttered. Something in this guy’s head had snapped. My hope slipped away with the threads of his sanity that someone had cut loose.

“Well, I really want this guy flying me hundreds of feet over pointy trees and jagged rocks,” Deshi muttered sarcastically.

A rustle in the trees caught my attention, and I jerked to standing.

“What is it?” Joseph asked, his fingers digging into my arm.

“You’re hurting me,” I whispered, irritated.

“Damn it.” Joseph let me go suddenly and walked away. He was acting so strange. He pulled his hands through his hair, turning his back to me. I placed a hand on his back, feeling it tense under my fingers.

“It’s okay…It was an accident,” I whispered.

“Denis?” Deshi’s shocked voice carried suspicion and hope.

We swung around and watched as Denis carefully picked his way towards us from the bushes, his long legs slipping gracefully between the plants without touching them.

“I can fly it,” he said, his bruise-shadowed face pulling between grave and nervous.

JOSEPH

I wish so many things. Mostly, I wish for time.

To go back. To savor. To fast forward. To control.

I want to tell them everything and nothing.

“Matt!” I jogged to catch up with him as he headed into the crowd to check more people for injuries. He paused. Soft gazes swung our way. The people of Pau Brazil were soaked in grief. But some were starting to move, to question and interact with the Survivors. There was no anger, only curiosity at the moment. I prayed it would stay that way.

“Joseph!” Matt’s voice was welcoming. My words for him were lead-coated.

“I need to tell you something.”

“Mhm…” Matt fumbled around in his pack for his stethoscope.

“It wasn’t Rosa. It was me and Deshi.” I breathed the words out slowly, watching them turn to steam.

Matt’s gaze was kind. “I know. Deshi told me what happened. I know you can’t see it yet, but you’ll get through it.” He placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder that may as well have been a sharp hook. “Have you spoken to your parents?”

“My parents are already upset with me. They feel like they only just got me back and now I’m leaving again. I don’t think I can add any more stress to their lives right now,” I blurted.

Matt nodded, doctoring me. I could almost see him taking notes on my PTSD in his head. “And Rosa?”

“I don’t know how.”
I don’t know where to start.
Matt didn’t even know about Elise. I’d made a mess so high and so deep I didn’t know how to wade out of it or even if I deserved to.

“You’ll figure it out,” he said, unperturbed, like it was a given.

ROSA

I watched Denis and Deshi carefully as we prepared for our journey. They seemed friendly enough but there was no tearful reunion or any obvious evidence of a romantic relationship. Denis revolved around Deshi as if he were the sun, but he never touched him. When Denis climbed into the cockpit of the chopper, my eyes fell to Deshi as I tried to decipher something that was possibly never there.

“Rosa, I can feel you staring at me,” Deshi growled while he was bent over his pack.

“You’re just so stunning in those camo clothes!” I joked.

He stood up and grinned at me. “I missed you.” He paused, his eyes softening.

I stepped closer to his side, our hips touching as I wrapped my arm around his narrow waist. Unlike Joseph, I could probably wrap my arms around Deshi twice.

“Did
he
miss me?” Our eyes rested on Joseph, who was talking to his father near the bombsite. Really, I knew he had. I don’t why I needed the reassurance; things just seemed a little off with him.

Deshi wiggled out of my grip and faced me—in his expression lay all the truths and answers I wanted and didn’t want. I looked away.

“I don’t even know how to express to you how much he missed you, blamed himself, and almost died without you. Rosa, he’s struggling. Even with you back, I’m worried about him.”

I didn’t need to hear that. “Is it because of what he did?” I asked, my heart pounding, shock waves running through me as the hours spent watching video after video of Joseph killing those soldiers rose like magic ink in my brain.

Deshi’s eyes bugged out in a surprise and for a second, his mouth hung open. It was very unlike him and he quickly composed himself.

“You know what he did?” he asked, his voice high and cracked.

“Please, don’t tell him,” I pleaded. “Part of my tort… I mean, interrogations, was watching the surveillance from that night. I saw myself… dying.” I kind of gulped dryly at the memory. It was physical, running through me like the knife that killed me. “And I saw what Joseph did after. They showed it to me… a lot.”

Deshi sighed. “Oh…” There it was again. That beat of silence like there was a missing word lying flat on his tongue. “Jesus, Rosa, that’s horrible.”

I nodded, trying to slow my breath and stop the shaking. Joseph walked towards us, a determined look on his face. He stomped through the grass loudly, and I wondered what his father had said.

I whispered to Deshi as he gripped both my wrists reassuringly. “I know what he’s like, I know he’s probably been beating himself up about what he did, but he didn’t have a choice. He would have died.”

Deshi let me go as Joseph brushed through the spindly trees bordering the chopper. Ice crept up their trunks and froze their shoulders. I breathed in the smell of icy pine and smoldering fires as if it were a drug I couldn’t get enough of.

“You’re just going to have to talk to him,” Deshi said with urgency winding round and round his voice.

I bowed my head. The words
how
and
when
pushed their way out of the dirt like spring flowers at my feet.

“What are you two talking about?” Joseph smiled, and the sun peeked out between his lips.

I tried it out; I let the golden rays hit my face and warm me.

“You,” I teased. Something like panic and fear swept across his face like a breeze, and then it was gone. “It’s okay. Nothing bad,” I said, my hands up in defense.

“Nothing bad, man.” Deshi backed me up.

Denis poked his head out of the cabin. “Are you ready to leave?”

I jumped, feeling on edge. “Is Rosa-May still with Pelo?” I asked Joseph.

“She is. Are you sure you want to bring her?” He brought a hand to my hair, and I felt like I might cry because there was air and awkwardness between us. His touch was comfort and heartbreak. It reminded me of things I’d lost, and it brought me back home.

“I’m not leaving her behind. I’m all she has.” I set my mouth.

He grinned. “So I have a daughter now?”

I laughed at his acceptance, his readiness to let Rosa-May into our family.

“Well, technically, she’s sort of like your sister-in-law. Is that right, Matthew?”

Matthew handed me a sack full of food and smirked. “I don’t think there’s a traditional word that fits your situation. All I know is, she’s lucky to have you both.”

The others gathered around to say goodbye. Gwen knocked my shoulder and whispered, “Good luck.”

Everyone exchanged looks as the blades began to churn and distort the air and words became too difficult. Deshi slapped Elise on the back, rather hard, and she pursed her lips at him before breaking into a stunning smile directed at Joseph and me.

Pelo handed me Rosa-May and yelled to me, “I want to come with you.”

I shook my head. He was needed here.

Jonathan and Steph held hands and waved to their son. When Steph’s eyes caught mine, they narrowed suspiciously. I got the feeling I wasn’t what she’d hoped for as a match for her son.

The air buzzed. Joseph grabbed my waist and hoisted me into the chopper, bending his head and following me inside. Deshi strode to the co-pilot chair and strapped himself in, busily connecting my handheld to the choppers’ navigational system. I strapped Rosa-May in, her face flushed and confused. I wished there was more I could do for her, a way to explain. The craft rattled and did a one-legged dance as it jerkily lifted into the air.

Joseph closed the door and fell into the seat next to me, strapping himself in just as the craft became airborne. I wanted to say,
Remember the last time we were together in one of these?
But no words came. I was overwhelmed with the memories of our past. They hit me fast like rocks spitting up into a windshield. Fear of what was ahead, excitement at leaving home and Paulo behind, and an aching for my mother. But all of those memories paled to one—Joseph’s hand over mine like a golden barrier, shutting out all my harried thoughts and warming me to my spindly core.

This was where we started. This was how we spread out over the wilderness, a thousand stretching strands. So many plotted points, missed and taken, that brought us right up to now.

His ribs nudged my side as his chest expanded with deep breaths next to me. I put my hand over his and curled my thin fingers over his tensed knuckles like a cage. We watched the people turn to ants and the forest swallow them whole.

Deshi pointed north and we swung around in an arc, the edge of Pau Brazil just visible. Concrete, I once thought impenetrable, was cracked and spilling into the grass.