The Warlock Wandering (28 page)

"Now, there's a thought! How about the blood of people I don't like? Take L'Age, now—could I acquire a taste for her? Could I lust for some of her blood? How would I feel if I had a chance to drain her? Ah, now that would be another matter!"

Petty stared at the handsome, muscular, unconscious young man, and gasped in wonder. The extra strain was just a little too much for steel hooks and eyes; with a muted ripping, her bosom expanded, lifting and mushrooming outward with a whoosh of displaced air. McChurch frowned and turned his head a little, as though listening.

Petty didn't even notice; she was lost in gazing at her ideal of male beauty.

McChurch looked up at her, blinking, frowning. Then the sight of her registered, and he rolled out of bed with his eyes glowing. He was completely naked, and Petty did notice that, but a second later, she was wrapped in his embrace, and wasn't seeing much of anything, because her eyes were closed for her first, and very long, kiss. In the wall, a panel slammed open, and Auntie Dil jumped out. She ran to McChurch and Petty and began to shake them, crying, "Waken! Thou must needs waken! Dost thou not know thou dost slumber? And this weak and idle theme is no more yielding but a dream!"

"If this is a dream, let me sleep forever," Petty murmured, and went back into the clinch.

"Nay! Now I say nay/"Auntie Dil seized McChurch's arm and threw her weight back against it, trying to pull them apart, but McChurch stood like the rock of Gibraltar, as though he'd traded a horizontal coma for a vertical one.

"Nay, nay!" Auntie Dil cried, tears in her eyes. "Dosta not know we come dreadfully close to the moment when the monster, Frank, shall come crashing through the door?"

"All right, that's enough of that!" Buzzabeez snapped as he climbed out of the dumbwaiter. "Let go of that body!" Auntie Dil whirled to face him, arms outspread to protect the couple. "How didst thou come to be in that chamber?"

"I materialized there, to make sure your husband wasn't around." Buzzabeez advanced on her with a tiger's tread, glowering. "Now go to the kitchen, where you belong!"

"Go to hell," Auntie Dil retorted, "where thou dost belong!"

"Uh-h-h-h-h ... End of scene!" Buzzabeez waved his hands back in front of his face, then whirled and stabbed a finger at the door. "Next scene!"

The broken safety pin gave way and the door crashed down. Frank stumbled in over it, and L'Age leaped past him, took one look at Petty and McChurch, and sprang at 278 Christopher Stasheff THE WARLOCK WANDERING 219

Petty, shrieking. Her talons dug into Petty's arm as she yanked the girl away from McChurch, and her fangs flashed down at the virgin's fair, unprotected throat.

Her chin jarred against McChurch's arm as he raised it to fend her off. "Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself." And his head descended down over Petty's again as he . folded her back into his embrace, r

"Ah, young love!" Roderick sighed, peeking in through the doorway. Then he frowned. "But that seems to remind me of something. I just wish I could remember what...." '

"Don't let it bother you," Buzzabeez said quickly, "just i a momentary aberration." . Roderick's roving gaze fell on Auntie Dil. He shook his |

head in wonder. "I know it sounds ridiculous, but I really want to be with that old slattern right now." And he started into the room, just as L'Age howled in rage and frustration, pulling out a dagger and charging at Petty.

Deviz scampered in between her feet.

L'Age tripped and crashed to the floor with a shriek that would have wakened bats.

Roderick, hurrying toward Auntie Dil, bumped into the ancient Christmas tree. It swayed and tottered. {

"No! "'Buzzabeez cried in anguish. "Catch it!" And he sprang forward, but the tree crashed down onto L'Age. Her head jerked up, eyes staring in agony, mouth gaping for a scream—and froze.

"Well, what do you know," Roderick murmured into the sudden hush, "the tinsel was real silver."

"Food!" Sucar screamed, and he pounced on L'Age with wild joy. "At last! Something I can really sink my teeth into!" He lifted L'Age by the shoulders and reared his head back, fangs springing out as he bared her throat—then froze. Puzzlement clouded his features. "How did I used to do this? It's been so long that I can't remember!"

"Just the way you're doing," Roderick prompted. "Bare her throat, then bite!"

"Don't give him any help!" Buzzabeez clapped a homy hand over Roderick's mouth, and Roderick recoiled at the stench. "You can't do it," the devil assured Sucar. "Not without condiments."

"Condiments! Of course! Now 1 remember!" Sucar dug in his coat pocket and pulled out a saltshaker with a triumphant flourish. "I always carry it with me, for my tomato juice!"

"No!" Buzzabeez screamed. "Don't you dare touch her with that!"

"Why not?" Roderick asked.

"Because ... because..." Buzzabeez was trembling.

"Why, because it isn't in the script!"

"What is a 'script'?" Auntie Dil asked, frowning.

"Only a prediction," Roderick assured her. "Nothing that can't be changed."

"You can't change it!" Buzzabeez howled. "It is written!"

"But I don't have to follow it. We are the masters of our own actions."

"Heresy!" Buzzabeez screamed.

Deviz yapped up at Roderick.

"What?... He's afraid? Yes, I can see that.... That means what? He shouldn't be? Why? ... Because if he really had power over us, there wouldn't be any reason for fear? Hm!

Good point, that!" Roderick looked up brightly. Buzzabeez could see his brain working, and shuddered.

"I order you not to think! It's immoral! /'// do the thinking around here!"

"No you won't," Roderick said reasonably, "you'll just follow a script." He frowned at the devil. "What makes you so tense, anyway?"

"I don't know." Buzzabeez stood rigid, trembling. "I really don't know."

Roderick pursed his lips. "Could it be you really want Sucar to use that salt?"

"I prefer saltpeter," Buzzabeez corrected. "After all, I'm a devil."

"Don't worry," Roderick assured him, "I'll figure it out." 220 Christopher Stasheff THE WARLOCK WANDERING 221

"That's what I'm afraid of!"

"What? People doing their own thinking?" Roderick nodded. "Makes sense. You never can tell what'll happen then. Makes life totally unpredictable. And I am thinking, now." Buzzabeez nodded, still trembling. "Becoming pretty willful, too."

"Yes, I am, aren't I?"

"Thou art near to wakening," Auntie Dil advised him.

"Yeah." Roderick frowned. "I just can't remember who I really am."

"Roderick," Buzzabeez said quickly. "Just ordinary old Roderick."

"Close." Roderick nodded. "Close. But maybe just a little too much."

Sucar pressed a hand to his forehead. "Come to think of it.,,. I used to be somebody, too...."

"You still are," Buzzabeez snapped.

"No," Roderick contradicted, "right now, he's who you want him to be. And doing what you want him to do. We all are—just taking your orders, without resisting much. Between you and the script, you've had all of us just meekly accepting your orders."

"Yes! Wonderful way to live, isn't it? So peaceful! So harmonious!"

"For you, maybe. Not for the rest of us."

"But isn't it better this way?" Buzzabeez pleaded.

"NO!" said everybody, all at once—except L'Age, who was frozen, and Petty and McChurch, whose lips weren't free at the moment.

Buzzabeez's face wrinkled with disgust. "What a revolting development!"

"Good idea!" Sucar cried. "Let's have a revolution!"

"Shut up," Buzzabeez snapped.

But Sucar went on. "Myself, I'm beginning to remember that I'm not really me—not Sucar Blutstein, anyway."

"Shut up," Buzzabeez snapped again.

"I was once someone else," Sucar cried, "but somebody did something to me, fed me something, that made me into what I am now!"

"Shut up!" Buzzabeez shouted.

"No, you shut up!" Roderick commanded. "Sucar has the floor."

"Who appointed you chairman?" Buzzabeez snarled.

"I did, myself!"

"And I impeach Buzzabeez!" Sucar cried. "I move that Buzzabeez be deposed!"

Deviz yapped.

"He says, 'I second the motion,'" Roderick explained.

"All in favor?"

"Aye!" shouted Auntie Dil, Roderick, and Sucar. Deviz barked.

"The vote is unanimous," Roderick confirmed, "except for L'Age, who's incapacitated, and McChurch and Petty, who're oblivious. The motion passes, and so does Buzzabeez."

"You can't do this!" Buzzabeez shouted.

"We just did, as I remember."

"And I remember something else!" Sucar cried. "I remember that what whoever-it-was fed me, was only supposed to put me to sleep and make me more amenable to suggestion! But it did more—it made me willing to do whatever this deposed dumbkopf dictated!"

"Watch the pejoratives," Buzzabeez snarled, but Auntie Dil cried, "I too," and Roderick said, "Same here." Deviz yapped and snarled.

"He says, 'The drug that produces those effects is commonly known as the zombie drug,'" Roderick translated.

"I deny it!" Buzzabeez ranted, waving his hands. "I deny everything! I didn't do it! I didn't give orders^for it to be done! Nobody told me..."

"That, I believe." Roderick nodded. "You're probably just another poor zombie like the rest of us—but for some 222

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reason, you were much more apt to do what the script said."

"But that means he's the one who's acting as the voice of the script!" Sucar cried.

"Aye," Auntie Dil said, frowning. "I' truth, we know not what this 'script' doth say, save what he doth tell us."

"So," Sucar said, with a bright smile, "if we can just wake up Buzzabeez, we won't have to listen to any nonsense about this 'script' anymore!"

"No!" Buzzabeez was beginning to foam at the mouth.

"You can't! That'd destroy any semblance of order! It'll shred sensibility! It'll play dice with the universe!"

"But we'll be able to do as we think right," Roderick said.

"See? Rampant chaos!"

"But we'll all wake up, and quit being zombies," Sucar pointed out.

"Anarchy!"

"Grab him!"

They all pounced on Buzzabeez, who realized what was happening just a second too late to dodge. He thrashed about, howling and trying to break free, but Sucar and Roderick wrestled him to the ground, and Auntie Dil sat on his legs while Roderick pinned his arms and Sucar pulled out his saltshaker.

"You can't do this!" Buzzabeez shouted. "It's immoral!

It's unethical! It's against all... GACK!"

"Helped that he had his mouth open," Roderick commented.

"I couldn't miss," Sucar agreed.

Buzzabeez swallowed convulsively, and his eyes bulged, staring, his whole body rigid. He began to tremble, and as he shook, he faded away and was gone.

Auntie Dil landed with a thump on her rump, and stared at the empty floor in astonishment. "Forsooth! Wither went he?"

Deviz yapped happily.

"He says, 'Wherever he came from,'" Roderick translated.

"But where is that?" Auntie Dil asked.

"None of us know," Sucar told her. He turned to Roderick. "Do you know where you came from?" Roderick stared up at the ceiling, frowning, then shook his head. "Not quite. I can almost remember..." Deviz yapped, barked, and growled.

"He says he does," Roderick explained. "He says, 'I know who I am—I am Notem-Modem 409, a computerized notepad—and I know where I came from. But where did all you zombies come from?'"

Sucar shrugged. "I don't know, to tell the truth."

"Neither do I," Roderick confessed.

"Nor I," Auntie Diluvian said, "yet I do know that we must waken."

"Good point." Roderick held up a finger, then used it to point to L'Age's mouth, frozen open. "Maestro, if you please?"

"Glad to." Sucar turned to sprinkle a little salt into L'Age's mouth. Instantly, she faded away, and they found themselves staring at a very dusty oaken floor.

"Success!" Roderick said, elated. "Now for the hard job. You grab him. Auntie, and I'll grab her."

"I mislike the sound of that, somehow," Auntie Dil said, but she took hold of McChurch's biceps while Roderick caught Petty's shoulder. "Now," he said, "Sucar, you stand ready to sprinkle. All right, now, on the count of three—

One! Two! Three!"

He and Auntie Dil heaved. With a smacking like a huge suction cup coming unglued. Petty and McChurch peeled apart and stared in total bewilderment, mouths still wide open.

"Gotcha!" Sucar cried, sprinkling salt in each one's mouth. Startled, they closed their mouths and swallowed with twin gulps, then stared at each other, appalled, as they faded. 224 Christopher Stasheff

Petty gave a mew of distress, reaching out toward the vanishing McChurch, but she faded too, and was gone.

"Success!" Sucar crowed. "Okay, you three—line up!

Shoulders back! Stomachs in! Mouths open!"

Roderick and Auntie Dil snapped to attention, side by side, and Deviz sat up on his hind legs next to Auntie Dil. Sucar walked down the line, sprinkling salt on each tongue, and, one by one, they faded. Sucar halted, appalled, as he looked around at the bare, empty room and, for the first time, became aware of the wind's muted moaning around the comers of the huge old house. Left to himself, Sucar sniffed, wiped away a tear of loneliness, and said, "I miss you very much."

Then he tilted his head back, opened his mouth, sprinkled salt on his own tongue, and disappeared.

One by one, the dreamers wakened. They opened their eyes, frowning, squinting against the light, and began to struggle up from their couches.

The hostess stared at them, horrified, then turned and ran from the room, crying, "Get the manager! These patrons just woke up—before the dream ended!"

Rod groaned, and swung his legs over the side of the couch. "I feel as though I've just been hit by a meteor!" Mirane slid off her sofa blinking, and tried to stand up. Her knees gave way, and she caught at the cushions. Stroganoff leaped off his couch with a cry, but she called, "No, I'm all right. But... but thanks, Dave." And she blushed. Rod frowned, wondering what the red face was about. Then he hauled his mind back to the immediate problem.