The Warrior Sheep Down Under (5 page)

Mook!” mumbled Wills excitedly through a mouthful of grass. “Mour mairy mobmimmy!” He spat out the grass. “Over there. By the tower!”

“
Tower?
” A collective grassy gasp swept through the little flock. They all remembered the stories of warriors and maidens in distress that Wills had told them while they were on the boat. They stared at their fairy godtingy walking toward the tower. Then they set off in pursuit at a gallop.

“She never lets us finish eating…” grumbled Oxo, racing to overtake Sal and everyone else. He saw it as his duty to be in front whenever any charging about had to be done.

• • •

At the base of the tower, the door to the small cage-like elevator stood open. Its cheerful attendant was checking Alice's paperwork.

“They'll gear you up nice and safely at the top,” she said. “Our bungee's the strongest bit of stretchy rope in the Universe.”

Alice swallowed hard but said nothing .

“It's easy,” continued the girl. “You just hold your arms out on either side of your body and lean forward like you're a swallow flying. That's all there is to it. You'll tip over headfirst and the elastic'll stop you just above the water.”

Alice's face was now the color of gray mud.

Shelly gave her a kindly pat on the shoulder. “You'll be fine. And don't forget to—”

“Yes,” snapped Alice. “I know. Smile for the photo.”

The next moment, Shelly was knocked off her feet by a hurtling wedge of wool and hooves. Alice was slammed against the back of the elevator cage with a stack of smelly, panting sheep pressed against her.

“What
is
it with you ragbags?” Alice gasped. “What do you
want
!?”

Wills would have thought this a strange question from a fairy godtingy, but he was squashed beneath Oxo's bottom and didn't hear it.

“Oh, I get it,” said the elevator girl. “You're
Almost Human
. Great program.” She closed the door on the elevator's bulging load and sent it on its way.

As the cage creaked upward, Jaycey asked, “Is this Maiden Tower, then?”

“Almost certainly, dear,” said Sal. “Our fairy godtingy is showing us the way.”

“So why can't we hear tacky Tuftella,” said Jaycey, “if she's up here?”

“Good question,” said Links, glancing anxiously at the ground, now far below. “There is a total absence of moanin', right?”

“
And
we haven't fought off any snapping monsters yet,” pointed out Oxo, sounding rather disappointed.

The elevator cage jolted to a halt and the door opened. The sheep tumbled out into a little cabin. Alice followed. Her knees were turning to rubber. Through the opening opposite she could see a narrow ledge. Then space. Beside the ledge was a spindle, like a huge cotton reel bolted to the platform. And round the spindle was wound the elastic rope that would shortly be fixed to her ankles. Before she jumped.

The sheep were nosing around the tiny cabin, searching for the maiden in distress. The jumpmaster and her assistant were confused and agitated.

“So are you Alice Barton or
Almost Human
?” demanded the jumpmaster.

And in that split second, Alice saw a way to avoid the dreaded leap.

“I'm
Almost Human
, of course,” she replied, like the top TV person she wasn't.

The jumpmaster turned away for a moment. “Keep those sheep away from the edge!” she shouted at her assistant.

“Yes, do,” said Alice. “We actually only need one. That one.” She pointed at Sal.

Sal nodded modestly at her fellow warriors. “Oh—I seem to have been chosen for something,” she said.

Alice smiled breezily at the jumpmaster. “So, let's do it up or whatever the technical term is,” she ordered.

The jumpmaster frowned. “What, for a jump? We can't make an animal
jump
!”

“Of course not, you silly girl,” trilled Alice. “I just want it to
look
as if it's going to jump.
Almost
Human
? Yes? Our clever film guys will do the rest.”

The jumpmaster sighed and shrugged dubiously, but nodded at her assistant. “OK, but keep the rest of them well back.”

Apart from Oxo, who was testing the bungee rope on its spindle for chewability, the rest of the warriors watched with interest as Sal's hind ankles were wrapped in nylon padding, then strapped tightly together. The assistant shooed Oxo away from the bungee rope and attached it through a plastic cone to the strapping around Sal's ankles.

Alice forced herself to walk out onto the ledge. She laughed gaily as she pressed her designer sunglasses onto Sal's face. Alice would never have admitted she was sheep-shaped, but this one might just pass for her at a hundred miles an hour. And she was desperate enough to try anything. She just had to make her shove look like an accident.

“Nice sheep…” she said, crouching close to Sal. She wasn't great with animals. “Nice sheepikins…”

• • •

But Sal wasn't listening. She was hobbling straight past the fairy godtingy, trailing the bungee rope behind her. Somewhere, beyond the edge of the platform, she could hear a sound she was sure she understood. A sobbing and sighing.

“Tuftella!” she bleated as she reached the very edge. “We have come to save you!” And she hurled herself into thin air.

Sal had realized—a little too late—that the sobbing and sighing wasn't sobbing and sighing at all. It was the anxious cries of humans, looking up at her from the riverbank far below. But now her world was turned upside down.

Sal's eyes bulged, her nostrils flared, and a roaring sound filled her ears. Rushing air flattened her fleece and forced her front legs out sideways. She was plunging headfirst toward the river, her hind legs attached to a very long piece of elastic! She could see the river rushing up to meet her, feel the spray thrown up by the nearby rocks. Then, just as suddenly as she had fallen, she felt a tremendous jerk, and the river was rushing away again. She was still head down, suspended from the elastic bungee rope, but now she was shooting back up toward the top of the tower. Minus her sunglasses.

“Ohmygrassohmygrassohmypoorpoorsal…!” sobbed Jaycey, peering down.

The warriors had heard Sal's cry as she disappeared and were all out on the platform, crowded dangerously close to the edge despite the jumpmaster's attempts to keep them back. Alice was there too, rooted to the spot, surrounded by sheep. And beginning to feel dizzy.

Sal's hind legs in their bungee strapping shot past the warriors' eyes, then, for a brief moment, her face seemed to hover in midair, right next to the platform.

“Hello, dears,” she said. Then she was gone again.

Oxo didn't think twice. He rarely thought more than once, and certainly not in a situation like this. “Five for one and one for five!” he roared. And he launched himself from the platform.

As rescues went, it didn't really work.

Oxo's chest hit the bungee rope and he did his best to grip it between his hind legs. He slid down until his bottom made contact with something hard. It was the stiff plastic cone that protected the strapping around Sal's hind legs. It made a very uncomfortable seat but stopped Oxo sliding any farther. He hung on tightly as the rest of the warriors landed just above him and slid down onto his broad shoulders. They scrabbled their hooves in each other's fleeces and wrapped their forelegs around the bungee rope. Jaycey hung on to Links with her teeth. The air whistled up their noses and through their ears as they fell.

“Five for one and one for five!” they shrieked again as they plunged.

The extra weight on the bungee rope made it stretch farther and Sal not only saw the river this time, she felt it too.
Sploosh!
Her head and shoulders dipped right in. But only for a second.

Boing!
The bungee cord had reached the limit of its stretchiness. It went taut, then sprang back, and catapulted its clinging load up toward the top of the tower.

Alice was still there, frozen with fear, balancing giddily on the edge of the platform, clinging to the safety rail with one hand.

“Get away from the edge!” the tense jumpmaster called, trying to reach Alice's swaying body. “Move back.”

But Alice didn't hear. As Sal shot past again, the hand that had been holding the safety rail lost its grip and she toppled forward.

The four warriors who had their heads the right way up—Oxo, Links, Jaycey, and Wills—saw Alice's flailing hand as they plunged past on their way down again. Then they felt the jolt on the rope as she caught hold of it just above their heads.

Alice's scream was so loud that even Deidre, who was craning out of the hostel dormitory window, trying to see the tower, heard it.

Alice floundered wildly in midair for a second, holding on to the bungee with only one hand. Then her other hand swung round and she grabbed hold with that too. She felt the rope against her legs and clenched it between her knees. She hung on tightly, shrieking loudly as the river rushed up to meet them all again.

Wills had managed to glance up. “It's the fairy godtingy!” he called down to the others. “Maybe she's come to—”

He didn't finish. With even more weight on it, the elastic rope was stretching even farther. Sal gulped and closed her eyes, ready to be dunked headfirst again. Then her attention switched from her head to her hooves. Her hind legs were slipping from their strapping. It was designed for humans with feet that stick out like bars at the end of their legs, but Sal was a sheep with skinny ankles and little hooves. And they were sliding out. She realized she was in for more than a dunking this time. Just a few yards above the river, her hooves slid free of the bungee and she hit the water with a wallop, sinking like a stone.

Boing! Boing! Boing!
Without Sal's weight, the bungee flicked up, then down, then whipped from side to side. The rest of the warriors were flung off and, bleating with terror, landed in the river in a volley of splashes.

The bungee rope shot skyward again, with Alice still clinging desperately to it.

“Ohmysalohmysalohmysal…” gabbled Jaycey, paddling hard to keep her head above water. Then Sal's head burst from beneath the surface, right next to her.

“No need to panic, dear,” she gasped, blowing water from her nostrils and shaking droplets from her eyes. “All is well…”

“One for five and five for a swim…” yelled Oxo, and he turned toward the riverbank.

Way above their heads, Alice was clinging on to the bungee for dear life. But only with her hands now. Her knees had slipped and her legs were thrusting up and down like a frog's as she tried to regain her grip. She had stopped shrieking but her mouth was still fixed wide open in silent horror.

And then it was over. A second later there was a final shriek as Alice too lost her grip on the bungee rope and she belly flopped into the water with a
whoomph!

On the riverbank, Shelly and a small group of bystanders had been staring in shock, their eyes switching rapidly between Alice and the sheep. Now, they watched as a rescue boat zoomed from the shore and fished Alice out of the water.

She lay gasping and flapping in the bottom, like a fish that had just been hooked.

“No room for the animals,” the helmsman shouted to his mate. “We'll have to come back for them.”

The warriors weren't making any headway in their attempts to swim for the riverbank. The current was too strong.

“Best to stop paddling,” panted Wills. “Just go with the flow…”

They were swirled out into the center of the wide river and then across toward the far bank, opposite the tower. The current whizzed them along downstream, faster and faster. Some concerned backpackers broke away from the little knot of people beside the tower and ran along the riverbank trying to keep up with them. But human legs were no match for the racing current and one by one they gave up.

• • •

Alice stumbled out of the rescue boat, dripping wet and shaken and sure she was gong to be asked some very awkward questions. She flipped her wet hair out of her eyes and saw the jumpmaster and her assistant and several other official-looking people striding toward her. Alice quickly decided to play dumb. It didn't come easily.

The jumpmaster didn't ask Alice if she was hurt. She merely demanded, “Can I see your ID, ma'am?”

“I'm sorry?” said Alice, with what she hoped was a dazed smile.

“Your identification. I don't believe you're
Almost Human
. You lied to me!”

“Lied to you…?” Alice swayed. “When?” She put her hand to the back of her head and winced. “Oh dear…My head is so painful. I think I must have banged it in the elevator…” She swayed a little more.

“Yeah, right…” The jumpmaster put her face close to Alice's. “Lady, I want to know what you're up to!”

Alice kept up the swaying. “I remember some sheep—in the elevator. They rushed in and squashed me flat against the back…” She closed her eyes and began to pant. “And then…and then…” She looked down at her clothes. “Why am I soaking wet? Ohh…” She sank to the ground in an elegant swoon.

The jumpmaster and the other bungee staff looked down at her.

“Concussion?” asked one.

“If she's concussed, I'm a kiwi,” said the jumpmaster. She looked from Alice to the small crowd of people gathering round. “Anyone know who she is?”

Shelly was squeezing through. “Name's Alice Barton. I picked her up in Auckland this morning. And this is her assistant.”

A breathless Deidre had just arrived. “Miss Barton, Miss Barton, are you all right?”

She dropped to her knees beside Alice. “Oh, Miss Barton, what
happened
?”

“Chaos happened,” said the jumpmaster through clenched teeth. “Mayhem. Attempted sheepicide!”

“Sheepicide?” Deidre looked up, startled.

One of the backpackers who'd run along the riverbank, trying to keep up with the warriors, was racing back now toward the little crowd around Alice. “They got out about half a mile down on the other side,” he gasped. “I saw them. All five!”

Alice's mouth twitched when she heard this, but by biting her tongue she managed to remain silent and motionless.

“Oh, thank goodness for that,” said Deidre, though she didn't have a clue what was going on.

“Well, there you go,” said Shelly briskly to the jumpmaster. “No harm done. Let's leave it, shall we?

She squatted and put her hands under Alice's armpits. “Take her feet, Deidre,” she said.

Deidre did as she was told, and between them they carried the dripping woman back to the hostel. Shelly explained briefly what had happened. Or what
she'd
seen of it anyway.

“I did try to tell her the outfit was a bad idea,” she puffed, nodding at Alice's ruined clothes.

When they reached the hostel, they hauled Alice up to the second floor, not too worried about her bottom bumping on each step as they climbed. Alice felt every jolt and heard every word, but she gritted her teeth and remained limp and silent.

“Dump her on the floor,” said Shelly, dropping Alice's top end. “I'm not hoisting her up to the top bunk.”

Once Alice was certain that the jumpmaster hadn't followed, she opened her eyes. “Where am I…?” she asked faintly.

Her performance was worthy of an Oscar. Even the doctor that Shelly called thought it was
possible
that a bang on the head had made her forget the last few hours. He suggested she rest for a while. Alice clambered onto the top bunk and sat propped against the pillows—Deidre's as well as her own—looking pale and weak.

“I'm going down to the kitchen to knock up something to eat,” said Shelly, once the doctor had gone. “You want me to bring you a burger?”

Alice wrinkled her nose. “Is that the best you have?” she asked, her normal tone of voice returning.

“Yep. And I don't usually do room service,” said Shelly, giving her a sharp look. “Take it or leave it.”

Alice shrugged. “OK,” she said as if she were doing Shelly a favor. “And Deidre, poppet, go and find my photograph. It should be ready by now.”

“Yes, Miss Barton.”

Deidre trotted off to the hut near the tower, the one where Alice had been weighed. There was a display board outside covered with photos. A camera, fixed on a pole beside the river, automatically took shots of everybody the moment they jumped. All the photos were displayed on the board. Deidre scanned the rows of pictures, then stopped. She clamped her hand over her mouth, regained control, paid for the photo, and took it back to the dorm.

“I'm sorry, Miss Barton,” she said as she handed it over. “It isn't very, um, flattering…”

Alice glanced at the photograph, then at Deidre, who was squeaking quietly as she struggled to keep a straight face.

“Of course,” said Deidre, trying to find something nice to say, “nobody looks their
absolute
best upside down with their mouth wide open and their knees behind their ears…” she tailed off as the laughter bubbled out.

“Deidre, poppet,” said Alice quietly. “Shut up.” Her pride was hurt but she was also relieved. She had proof that she had jumped. “Get this emailed to Mr. Creeply. And find out what I have to do next.”

The door burst open and Shelly appeared with a tray full of burgers and chips. “Grub up.” She grinned and handed a plate of food to Alice. “Don't drop any on your nice white trousers.”

“I'm glad you're so easily amused,” said Alice, but she took the plate. She was suddenly starving. She was still eating her burger when Deidre looked up from the laptop.

“Mr. Creeply's got the photo,” said Deidre. “And accepted it as proof.” She paused. “Um, Shelly? D'you happen to know anything about…Tickler's Turnpike?”

“Tickler's Turnpike?” Shelly laughed. “Heck, yes. Now that
will
make your eyes water!”