The Way It Never Was (22 page)
Read The Way It Never Was Online
Authors: Lucy Austin
‘Up there?’ exclaims Claire. ‘Didn’t you worry about falling?’
‘Nope, there was a ledge that’s no longer there anymore,’ I say.
Stan then removes his hand from my waist. ‘Who with?’ he casually enquires, no doubt presuming that when it comes to my love life, he pretty much knows my resume.
But
you
don’t
know
everything
.
‘That bouncer from tonight.’ I confess and Claire giggles.
‘Did you leave him up there?’
Back on the promenade, with shoes now stuffed with sand, we shuffle our way back to my flat.
‘Night guys,’ I say at the door, leaning into Stan, only for Claire to usher me in as she blows yet another kiss to Wayne, pushing his night’s quota up into triple digits.
‘Trust me sweetheart,’ she whispers, closing the door. ‘You’ll thank me in the long run.’
Saying goodbye to the newly engaged Linda on the landing who has only just remembered to text ‘yes I will marry you’ back to Dave, we walk up to the flat. As soon as I unlock the door, I slip down to the floor with my head in hands.
What
is
going
on
?
Liv is in the window of the Globe with Rory strapped to her in a sling. Using his hand to wave at me, she too looks sleep deprived, wearing a stripy top, with a muslin cloth around her neck as though it were a bandana.
‘I’ve got my hands full, haven’t I little chap?’ she says, looking down at her son who is dressed from head-to-toe in PJ’s old designer wear. Over coffee made for me by Paolo – who sternly tells me that I have five minutes to tame my hair and that I need to wash my work t-shirts more often – Liv fills me in on the latest. It turns out that Mr Happy’s folks may be buying a new outfit for the baby every other day, but they’re not coming through on the childcare anytime soon. The retirees have only just gone and booked themselves on a 60-day cruise.
‘In this business, I am totally screwed. I can’t afford to go back to work but I can’t afford not to.’
‘I can stay on here if you like,’ I blurt out. ‘On a permanent basis.’ As soon as I say those words, I know they can’t be unsaid but I really do mean it. Her eyes sparkling, Liv looks at me. ‘Really? Are you sure?’ I look around me at this space, this perfect place that I never want to leave and just nod. ‘Now you’re talking!’ she shouts and bounces Rory up and down on her knee. ‘You don’t know what fantastic news this is. I can now fly home to see my folks and my friends without worrying what changes Paolo will make while I’m gone.’ I am a little surprised to hear this, as she’s never mentioned visiting them before now.
‘I want Rory to meet everybody. Besides, I need to receive all these inappropriate presents that Rory has been bought. I’m pretty sure there’s a load of crappy plastic toys waiting for me.’ Liv and Rory then give me a double hug. ‘Kate, thank you! Seriously, thank you.’
‘Thank you too,’ says Paolo, gruffly patting my back, while Paula gives me her version of a smile, before swanning off to chat to her friends who are all enjoying free coffee. I do have an ulterior motive here. The way I see it, if I’m fully on board in the café, I can ride the wave as things are already changing for the better. For the first time ever, I want to be part of something.
As I prepare to start work, Liv paces up and down with Rory. ‘You’ve not mentioned Joe for a while, I take it you’re still cool with everything?’ I nod and give her the thumbs up.
Since Joe burst my bubble all those weeks ago, I’ve come out from where I’ve been hiding, only to realise that the only thing I really need to do is forgive myself for not getting over it quick enough. There is no need to belittle whatever it was, but at the same time there’s certainly no desire on my part to talk about it anymore. Joe is over, or rather the idea of Joe is over. Instead, what I really want to talk to her about is the fact that even in my drink-fuelled state last night, I know that something changed between Stan and I.
However, before I have time to say anything, Liv gasps in horror and desperately tries to unravel the sling from her body. ‘Stand back!’ she cries just as Rory does a burp so loud that I think he’s going to take off, closely followed by Liv shielding her shoulder from projectile vomit.
Happy
days
.
Just as I’m about to go and get some kitchen towel, my mobile goes – it’s only my brother wanting to know if Wayne’s party is still happening. Hearing Liv’s colourful language in the background, Dan’s tone of voice instantly changes. ‘Is that Liv I hear?’
‘Yup, Rory and his fabulous mother are here,’ I say winking at Liv, who then asks who is it. I tell her it’s Dan and she grins this grin I last saw when she was dating Mr Happy. Things are looking up.
‘Oh yeah, how’s she doing with the…’ I interrupt Dan before he digs himself into a bigger hole. ‘You should know. You speak more to her than you do to me, I’ll pass you over,’ I say, my indignation met with laughter from Dan, along with a friendly punch in the boob from Liv. As I group up lonely slices of cake and get them to bond on the same platter, I watch Liv’s contented expression as she and Dan chat while Rory gets busy pulling out her hair from the root.
A little while later, she hands back my phone to me at the counter, before glancing over at the door. ‘Don’t look straightaway but the man coming in. Do not freak out.’ Naturally, I immediately do a sharp right.
‘Liv, why is Mr Happy here?’ I whisper at the sight of her ex-boyfriend walking over towards us, looking suspiciously clean-shaven.
With his hair slicked back and his shirt done up to the neck, Andy looks as though his mother has taken him aside and cleaned behind his ears.
‘He’s coming to meet the baby,’ Liv says, doing a polite smile. Is this really the same ‘untamed’ Mr Happy who talked about himself in the third person the other week?
‘Kate,’ he says looking at me, enlarging his eyes as though enquiring as to whether I told Liv about our little meeting on the train.
‘Hi Andy. Haven’t seen you in
ages
,’ I slowly shake my head by way of telling him I decided not to say anything for fear of stirring up trouble. ‘I’m just going to the bank. I’ll leave you to it.’ I say and head for the door, saying hello to a few regular freelancers who are clearly using the café as a displacement activity in preference to doing some actual work. I know this as I’ve done it myself.
Later on, having swept the floor, stacked the dishwasher and listened to yet another long anecdote from Hilarious Sam, I’m now chipping away at some spilt food on the floor while looking over at Liv and Mr Happy who are still sitting there. She appears to be laughing at something he is saying, while he is carrying Rory the way you do when you’ve never held a baby before. All the while I’m straining to listen in, he’s got this besotted expression on his face, like he has suddenly realised what he has. Now he’s decided to grow a pair, he’s just a regular new dad, focusing in on his little boy. Only after Mr Happy disappears with Rory and a car drives past with his parents, do I realise that they been waiting outside the whole time.
‘It’s seems like it’s all working out,’ I say to Liv, wanting to find out more and ask the question that I’m slightly nervous about asking.
‘Yeah, it’s okay. He’s now decided that he wants to be involved in the baby’s life, so he’s got Rory for a few hours. It’ll give him a little taster. But hey – I still hope my little man fills his nappy on deadbeat dad’s watch.’
I laugh and then start wiping down tables. ‘Glad he’s come round,’ I say and then pause. ‘Liv I have to ask…’ I trail off but then think better of it as right now she is clearly distracted from saying goodbye to her son. ‘Oh don’t worry it’s nothing.’
Liv looks quizzically at me and then seeing I’ve changed my mind, gets her bag to go. ‘What am I going to do with my free time? Have a long bath that’s what! I stuck a wing mirror up there and let’s just say it isn’t pretty. In fact, I’m so stretched right now, I could jump out of a plane and not need a parachute,’ she sighs. She then takes herself off upstairs to her flat, not before politely asking the sewing circle who are attempting to re-create the Bayeux Tapestry, not to stretch the entire thing across the café. Compared to the original, it’s an amateur effort if ever I saw one.
Geez
,
a
child
could
do
a
better
job
.
Silence.
Ouch
,
is
that
cramp
? Silence.
Why
didn’t
I
finish
my
coffee
,
I
always
finish
my
coffee
–
do
you
think
Sam
made
any
of
those
muffins
again
?
What
shall
I
have
for
breakfast
? Silence.
Hang
on
,
wait
a
minute
–
did
someone
just
fart
?
Kate
,
focus
! Silence.
Yes
,
thinking
a
croissant
. Silence.
Err
is
that
someone
snoring
?
It’s obscenely early on a Saturday morning and I’m lying on a church hall floor in a class called
Meditate
in
Lake
Me
, run by a woman who goes by the name of ‘Louella Light’, but I suspect in real life is probably called something a little more mundane. Alongside me on the ground are Claire, Scary Linda and Liv – yes, the whole dysfunctional gang. A few months ago, you would never have seen me choosing to hang out with Claire on a grubby floor, but a lot has happened since then. I’m not questioning anything anymore, as I don’t want to ruin the momentum. This ‘yes’ mentality continues to propel me forward, albeit in a strange direction that I hadn’t anticipated and I’m starting to feel something close to happy. I still have a whole host of things whirring round my head, but counteracting that is a feeling of freedom I didn’t know existed before. You see it’s a whole lot easier saying yes and then worrying about it afterwards.
Stopping for a quick break ‘to centre ourselves’, as Louella puts it, we are politely drinking vile coffee out of plastic cups, me, feeling particularly annoyed that I’m using up my precious coffee quota on instant. Claire and Liv stay seated on the floor with Rory, who has an unnatural amount of dribble coming from his mouth that is meeting up with the snot coming down from his nose, a little like oil meeting vinegar. Meanwhile, I am once again fishing out my knickers that have gone halfway up my bottom – yes, I can now sympathise with the ‘Queen of Hungry Pants’ herself, Scary Linda.
Since (probably) the most unromantic proposal ever, Linda is no longer whining about her boyfriend but her ‘fiancé’, a word that she insists on pronouncing with a French accent every time. It’s only been three weeks since she got the promise of a rock on her finger, but she’s practically ticked off every single thing of her nuptials to-do list bar ‘make relationship last until the wedding’.
‘You wouldn’t believe what happened!’ says Linda, looking rather smug. ‘They only ordered my dress in the wrong size. I said they are going to have to take it in nearer the time.’
Claire looks at me conspiratorially and I give her a quick smile back. If this is how it’s going to be going forward, come the wedding, Linda is not only going to be falling through cracks in the pavement but quite unbearable to be around.
‘Fee-ahn-sey this, fee-ahn-sey that, you’re not getting married for two years,’ Claire groans. ‘Two years! It’s a bit premature, all of this isn’t it?’ Claire squeezes Rory’s snotty cheeks as Scary Linda stares at her with an incredulous expression.
‘You are joking aren’t you?’ Linda says. ‘Things get booked up. Some people put a deposit down for a wedding venue at birth you know!’
Liv noisily munches an apple and shakes her head. ‘Seriously, Linda, you can’t bang on about your wedding for two years. I might just kill myself.’ I stifle a giggle as Linda gasps and is just about to say something in response when a car beeps outside.
‘Gotta go,’ she says. ‘That’s my fiancé picking me up. See you for book club.’ As she leaves, I look out the window, not because I’m seeing her off but I’m just curious as to whether Dave looks any happier for having taken the decision to commit to Linda for the rest of his life. Looking at his expression waiting in the car, I take it that’s a no then.
Poor
Dave
.
Halfway through the second half of our meditation, I’m once more attempting to silence my internal chatterbox, only for my phone to start ringing very loudly in a
Jaws
ring tone that was probably uploaded by Dan on the sly.
I tiptoe out into the foyer. ‘Listen Anna, can I call you back? I’m sort of in the middle of something?’ I say, which is met by proper silence at the other end as though she is digesting what I’ve just said.
‘What?’ she asks incredulously, as though she misheard me. ‘This is important you know Kate. I can’t believe you want to get off the phone. You are never busy enough to get off the phone!’
I look through the door at these women lying there contemplating the infinite in a sea of calm and it hits me that today I really do mean it. I want to feel that way too.
‘Listen, I’m just a bit tied up.’ I try to sound vague as I watch Rory blowing bubbles and sucking on some toy that’s been on the floor, without a care in the world.
‘Well, don’t let me keep you,’ replies Anna. ‘I know it’s hard work doing absolutely nothing.’
And then just like that, something inside me flicks a switch. In that very moment, I don’t care about the nostalgic link to Australia and I don’t care about the link to Stan, I’ve had enough. This power play between us is wrong and I don’t need to tolerate it anymore.
‘Listen Anna, it’s half eight in the morning,’ I growl. ‘It’s too early for sarcasm. I’m busy. End of.’
‘Well, I’ll be quick then. I just wanted you to be the first to know,’ she announces and my head starts spinning.
Please
let
it
be
that
you
got
that
part
and
are
planning
to
move
to
California
where
you’ll
be
able
to
send
lots
of
smug
social
media
updates
,
please
let
there
be
no
ring
.
‘The first to know what?’ I ask, with a feeling of dread.
‘I’ve finished it with Stan.’
Wow, I wasn’t expecting this. ‘You have? When?’ I ask. There is a pause.
‘Twenty minutes ago,’ she replies. Good grief, she’s not wasted much time has she? The dumping has not even gone cold yet – it’s still fresh out the oven and cooling on a wire rack.
‘I’m really sorry to hear that,’ I say. ‘You were together a long time. Are you okay?’
There is another slight pause. ‘Yes, it wasn’t working out,’ she says dismissively. ‘These things happen. Anyhow, it’s good news for you. You get to be friends with him again.’
‘That’s awfully good of you,’ I snap, smarting at the cheek of her. ‘If memory serves me correct, he was my friend to begin with!’
‘Don’t be bitchy Kate. It doesn’t suit you,’ snaps Anna.
Despite my best efforts to keep it short, the conversation has eaten up the remainder of my class and the girls are all filing out, leaving teacher Louella motionless on the floor, snoring loudly. Liv looks annoyed as Rory has just vomited on her tracksuit top and Claire is not helping matters by dry heaving at the sight of her.
‘Anna. I really have to go.’ And without feeling the need to ask her permission or to apologise or to promise to speak to her soon, I hang up, positively shivering in assertiveness.
I’m
on
a
roll
.
