The Way We Fall (21 page)

“Yeah,” I said. “I am, anyway. How’s your arm, Meredith?”

“It hurts a little,” she said.

“Good thing you hurt him a lot, then,” I told her. “You were amazing.”

“Yeah?” she said, pulling back enough to meet my eyes.

“For sure,” I said, and she smiled a little. I dragged in a breath. I didn’t want our day out to end on such an awful note.

“Okay,” I said. “We defeated the evil villain. Now you need to collect your reward. How about those five toys I said you could get?”

“I can still take them?” she said.

“Of course,” I said. “And why don’t you pick out the ones for the kids who’ve been all by themselves too? I know you can find the best ones.”

“Okay,” she said. I gave her a nudge toward the store, and she went. As soon as she was safely inside, I let my head drop into my hands. The breeze teased through my hair. Right then the chill felt kind of nice.

Gav sat down beside me. I spoke up before he could start.

“If you try to tell me this is all your fault for leaving us on our own for two seconds,” I said, looking at him sideways, “I will kick you just as hard as I kicked Quentin.”

He closed his mouth and cocked his head, as if considering his options.

“Where exactly did you kick him?” he asked.

“Shin,” I said. “Like you showed me.”

“Hmmm,” he said. “Can I say that I wish I could have broken his shin into a thousand little pieces? And the rest of him too, actually?”

“Yeah,” I said, and raised my head. “I guess that’s acceptable.”

At the same moment, we both cracked up. I don’t know if we were releasing the tension or leftover panicky hysteria or what. But it felt good to laugh, even if there wasn’t anything all that funny.

Then Gav leaned over, brushing his fingers across the side of my face, and kissed me.

It wasn’t a long kiss. I hardly had time to react. He was somehow determined but gentle at the same time, the taste of the tea we’d been drinking at Tessa’s still on his lips, his hand lingering against my cheek.

My heart started to thump in a totally different way. I didn’t want him to stop.

But he did. His hand slid from my face to the back of my shoulders, and he hugged me tightly. I leaned my head against his neck. That close to him, I didn’t feel the chill of the air at all.

“You’re always threatening me with violence,” he said, his breath warm against my ear. “What’s that all about?”

“You’re the one teaching me how to hit people,” I pointed out.

“You’re saying I’m a bad influence, then?” he asked. I could feel his grin.

“Oh, definitely,” I said.

Meredith called my name from inside the store, and I shifted upright.

“Guess we’d better start loading the car,” Gav said.

Meredith wanted to keep the princess dress, and she’d found a beading set and a fabric paint kit that she refused to let out of her sight. We picked out some stuffed animals and puzzles for the other kids, and I took a couple of games in case we get bored some evening at Tessa’s and we’ve already watched all the DVDs ten times. In the end we filled the whole trunk.

After we’d stopped at the church, Gav drove us back to Tessa’s. Meredith went running in right away to start on her beading.

Gav got out of the car with me. I hadn’t been sure if what happened before had been some sort of momentary shock-related thing. It wasn’t. He kissed me standing in front of the car, and I kissed him back. And I felt happy. Elated. Like I haven’t in I don’t know how long.

I can’t help smiling even now, writing about it.

Is it weird that I feel kind of guilty about being happy, Leo? I mean, you have Tessa, and it was never like that with us, even if I wanted it to be. We haven’t even been friends in so long. I needed this.

And now I’ll have one less reason to be nervous when I finally see you again.

No food run today, so I spent the morning helping out at the hospital. The halls are starting to look less crowded. I’d like to assume that’s because the people still out there in town are being smart and keeping themselves safe—not because there just aren’t many of us left to get sick in the first place.

I was bringing breakfast around to the patients at what everyone’s calling “Stage Two”: low inhibitions and high social drive. It’s not so bad. One of the nurses unlocks the door for me, and I wheel in the cart with whatever they’re eating that morning, and the patients immediately gather around me, gabbing away and taking food if they’re hungry. They’re always excited to see me, like I’m the special entertainment at their party. And since they’re keeping each other company, they don’t cling too much when I need to leave. I just have to stop myself from thinking about what’ll happen to them in the next few days.

Today I was a little spaced out. My mind was on yesterday, and Gav, and wondering what exactly is happening with us and if I was going to see him today and if I did would there be more kissing. I didn’t even see Shauna in the room until someone tugged at my elbow. I turned around, and there she was.

Her nose and one side of her forehead, which she kept scratching, were red, and her lips were chapped, but somehow her hair still had that sleek wave to it, and she stood there in her hospital gown like she was wearing the newest fashion trend. Too much natural poise for any virus to knock her down. For a second, as I blinked, I felt as if we’d warped back to the school cafeteria two and a half months ago.

“Oh my god!” she said. “Kaelyn, what are you doing here? Are you volunteering or something? It’s so cool to see you! You let your bangs grow out—they look kind of nice like that. How is everyone? I haven’t seen anyone from school in forever!”

Before I got over my surprise, this elderly man drifted past us, running his hand over Shauna’s hair like she was a pet. I remembered him from a couple days ago, when he’d spent half an hour telling me disjointed stories about his coast guard years.

“This young lady got better!” he said, pointing at me. “She’s an inspiration! We’re all going to be fine. Lovely to see you, lovely to see you.”

Shauna gaped at me. “You were sick and now you’re okay?” she said. “For real?”

Nell warned me not to talk about the virus once people get to this point, because you never know what kind of reaction they’ll have. Most of them seem to forget they’ve got anything more than a cold, if you don’t remind them. But I didn’t see why I should lie when she’d asked me directly. Mostly I was wondering how the old guy had known. Must have overheard one of the hospital staff mentioning it.

“Yeah,” I said, and then, trying to sound optimistic, “and other people have recovered too.”

“What the hell!” she said. I’d forgotten how bright she can keep her voice even when she’s completely pissed off. “
You
beat it? What’s so special about you?”

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. What could I say? That I wasn’t special, just lucky? I didn’t think that would make her happier.

Shauna kept going, her eyes narrowing. “You think you’re so great because you lived in Toronto for five years,” she said as I took a step back. “But you’re a loser. You hardly talk to people. You spend all your time with your nose in your books or staring at squirrels in the park. Why should you get to be okay?”

The words hit me as if she’d pushed me. My skin went hot, and my jaw tightened with an anger I hadn’t known I had in me.
Why
shouldn’t I?
I wanted to shout back.

The other patients in the room had noticed Shauna’s agitation, and they clustered around us, murmuring to her in soothing voices, patting her back. I swallowed and reached for the door. She was sick, she couldn’t help it. I should leave and let everyone settle down, and I’d come back and get the cart later.

“Yeah!” Shauna called after me. “Run away! Why should you be here? Mom, Dad, Abby—they should have made it!”

She was still yelling when I shut the door behind me. The nurse looked at me oddly, and all I could do was shake my head. I walked away, and kept walking all the way to the records room. It’s quiet in there.

I crouched on the floor and wrapped my arms around my knees. A shiver ran through me. Part of me was rattled, hearing Shauna’s voice echo in my head. Wondering if maybe she was right, if I did somehow steal a chance from someone else, from Shauna’s parents or her sister, from all those doctors and nurses who’ve died. From Mom.

But part of me was still pissed off. And as I sat there, the pissed-off part ate away the rest.

What does it matter who I was before all this? What does it matter if Shauna was at the top of the social food chain and I was at the bottom? I survived. That is a fact. I am here and they are not, and I’m doing everything I can to make that count for something.

Which is a lot more than Shauna could ever say.

I stayed in the records room for about ten minutes, until I felt calm again. Then I went back and got the cart without even acknowledging her. When I came out, the nurse touched my arm and asked if I was okay.

“Yeah,” I said. “I’m fine.”

And you know what? I really am.

I was all jittery before I saw Gav today. Maybe I shouldn’t be nervous—I mean, he’s the one who kissed me—but I don’t exactly have a lot of experience with guys. I don’t want to assume we’re a “couple” and come off all clingy. Maybe he’s been with lots of girls; maybe a little kissing is no big deal to him.

But most of my jitters went away when I got out of the car at the hospital and he smiled at me from across the road. After we did the food run, it seemed totally natural to say, “Lunch at Tessa’s again?”

Gav left his car at the hospital, and I drove. When I parked outside the house, I hesitated, knowing this was probably the last moment we’d be alone for a while.

“Hey,” he said, turning toward me in the passenger seat. “Everything all right?”

I keep noticing new things when he’s that close, like the few faint freckles under his tan, left over from the summer, or the way he only dimples on one side when he smiles. I like it, all of it.

“Everything’s good,” I said. Then it was like a gravitational pull took over. Without thinking I leaned toward him and he leaned toward me, and we were kissing again.

I felt like I’d been waiting for that all morning. This warm sort of tingling spread from my head to my toes, and my heart started beating so fast that after a couple of minutes I had to pull back and just breathe for a second. Gav traced his fingers down the side of my face and kissed my forehead.

We finally got out, because before much longer Tessa or Meredith was going to come to the window to check for me. Gav brought in one of the leftover bags of food from our rounds. I stood with him in the kitchen, and he taught me some of his cooking secrets while he worked. Maybe I can start making our meals without him a little more appetizing.

The warm tingly feeling stayed with me after he left. Tessa and I went out to scavenge some more, and even the sight of all those empty houses couldn’t shake it. My good mood must have shown, because as we were driving back to her house, Tessa glanced over at me with the corner of her lips curled up, and said, “How long has this thing with Gav been happening?”

My face warmed. “Couple days,” I said.

“He seems like a good guy,” she said. “He cooks for you. And he cooks well. Definitely encourage that.”

“Believe me, I will,” I said, and we grinned at each other.

That’s the first time I’ve felt like Tessa and I are really friends, not just acquaintances thrown together for convenience’s sake. It was nice.

But the situation we’re in, I guess it’s impossible to keep feeling good forever. Before too long you have to face the bad parts again.

Nothing happened. I was just helping Meredith with her hair after dinner. The water’s not any more safe for washing than for drinking—bacteria that gets in your eyes or nose can be more dangerous than anything you swallow—so cleaning up’s gotten kind of awkward. Tessa’s set a bucket of boiled water in the kitchen with a bar of soap that we use for our hands and faces. And every evening I’ve filled up the biggest pot, taken it into the bathroom for an all-over wash, and then filled it up again for Meredith.

We leave our hair for last, and then dunk it in. Mine’s not too bad—it’s shoulder length now, but if I use just a little shampoo, I’m done in a few minutes. Makes me glad I never gave in when Mom would comment about how pretty my hair would be if I let it grow out for once.

Meredith’s isn’t much longer, but hers is so much thicker, it’s harder to work the shampoo in, and harder to rinse. So she works at the front parts while I work at the back, which makes the process go faster.

She’d just straightened up from the last rinse when she said, “Kaelyn, what was it like when you were sick?”

“The first part was like a bad cold,” I said. “And having a bunch of mosquito bites at the same time. After that, I don’t really remember. The virus stops you from thinking properly.”

She sat still while I rubbed the towel over her head.

“Were you scared?” she said quietly.

I balked at answering, but what was the point in lying? “Yeah,” I said. “I didn’t know what would happen.”

Suddenly I felt cold all over. Wondering why she was asking. “Are you feeling okay?” I said.

“I think so,” she said. “Sometimes I get a little itch, but then it goes away. Does that mean I’m getting sick?”

I was so relieved, I hugged her until the dampness of the towel seeped through my pajama top. “Definitely not,” I said. “Little itches that go away are normal. You don’t need to worry, Mere. I’m not going to let that virus get anywhere near you.”

She nodded, but her eyes still looked worried.

I’m doing everything I can to keep her safe, but I never feel like it’s enough. Sometimes I wonder where the breaking point is. When she’ll have gone through so much that, even after the epidemic is over, she won’t ever be herself again.

Please, let us never have to find out.