The Way You Say My Name (4 page)

Dillon shook his head. “No, you go on home. You’ve already done more for me than I can ever thank you for.”
“Not true. I just did what any friend would have done.”
Brandon pointed towards the door. “Ask Dewey to take you home, Meggie. He’s on tonight.”
Megan nodded and blew both Brandon and Nate a kiss. With one last squeeze to Dillon’s arm, she left.
Once the door closed behind her, Brandon said, “Tell him.”
Dillon swallowed hard. “I’m gay, Dr. Nash.”
Nate’s eyes couldn’t possibly have gotten any bigger. “Wow. I don’t really know what to say. I think I’m speechless.”
If Nate was speechless, Brandon showed no signs of having that problem. “All right, Carver. I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt here, but before you tell us your story, I want to make one thing perfectly clear. If I find out you’ve hurt my sister in any way, if you’ve led her on or used her to play the straight boy while you’ve been out screwing guys behind her back, you’ll wish to God the two of us had never met.”
Nate rolled his brown eyes back in his dark blond head. “I think what Bran is trying to ask in his own, ever so subtle way, Dillon, is, how long has Megan known that you’re gay? Were you up front about it with her from the start?”
Dillon traced the rim of his coffee cup with one finger. “Yes and no.” He sighed. “I know that’s not very clear. Megan and I have been friends for years. She and I are both on the student council, and we shared chairmanship of the Homecoming Dance together. She didn’t have a date, and neither did I, so she suggested we go together.” He grinned. “I told her I didn’t really want to, but you know how she is. She’s pretty darn persistent when she wants something, and for some reason, she wanted me to take her to that dance.”
Brandon said, “Persistent, huh? That’s a nice way of putting it. Pest is more like it.” But he said it with affection. “When Megan gets an idea into her head, it’s damn near impossible to change her mind.”
Nate snorted. “Gee, I wonder where she gets that from.” He ignored Brandon’s playful slap on the arm and turned his attention back to Dillon. “So, what happened? How did Megan come to know the truth?”
“Well, and I sincerely hope you don’t kick my ass for saying this Sheriff, but after the dance, she asked me to take her down to Pepper Road.” Seeing Brandon start to get up, he said, “Not that she really wanted me to take her there. That was part of her plan, to shake me up bad enough to admit the truth. When she asked me to take her down there, I freaked out and told her I couldn’t do it. That’s when she asked me point blank if I was gay. She said she’d seen the way I watched Jamie, and she’d kinda been thinking I might be. She couldn’t have planned it any better. I was so tired of keeping everything a secret, anyway, that I just broke down and told her everything.”
Nate seemed sympathetic, but Dillon could tell there was no way Brandon was gonna let it go at that. “So, Megan knows the whole story. Fine. To tell you the truth, that doesn’t surprise me. She’s a pretty sharp kid. Takes after her older brother.”
“Which one? Keith?”
Brandon gave Nate a gentle elbow to the ribs for that one and kept on talking. “As I was saying, I’m not surprised that Megan guessed your secret, but I’m still not thrilled that you used her for cover in the first place, whether she was a willing participant or not.” Dillon wasn’t sure what to say, but Nate didn’t seem to have that problem. “Weren’t you the one who dated girls in high school so no one would figure out the truth about you?”
Brandon cleared his throat. “We were not talking about me, Nathan. I believe we were talking about Dillon and Megan. And I’m still waiting to hear his side of things.”
Dillon nodded. No more time for stalling. Considering how long he’s kept all of this bottled inside with no one to confide in save Megan, he could have sworn it would be harder to talk about, but once he opened his mouth, the words just seemed to come spilling out. “I met Jamie when we were both in kindergarten, but we didn’t really start hanging out till we were in the second grade. We played on the same little league team.” He smiled. “I wasn’t the greatest player in the world, but Jamie totally reeked. His aunt put him on the team thinking it would help him make new friends, but he was so scared of the ball, he ducked every time it came at him. His aunt asked the coach to pick someone on the team to help him out, you know, get over his fear. The coach picked me.” Dillon’s face hardened. “My dad was none too happy about it. He didn’t like Jamie because his mom was a druggie and had dropped him on his aunt, but I didn’t care. We spent a whole summer working on his swing.” He laughed again. “He never did get any better at baseball, but from that moment on, we were together almost every day. Riding bikes, fishing down at Patterson Creek. We did everything together.” Dillon stared down at his hands. “At least we did until we turned fourteen and I fucked everything up.”

Nate reached out and put his right hand over Dillon’s clasped ones. “Was that when you realized you were gay. At fourteen?”
Dillon nodded. “I think I always sort of knew, if that makes any sense, but I started having all these feelings I couldn’t control when I was twelve or thirteen.” He blushed. “I, uh, started having all these dreams.”
Nate patted his hands and then withdrew, leaning back in his chair. “Dreams about Jamie, I’m guessing.”
“Yeah. I knew I wasn’t attracted to girls, but that was the first time it really hit me that I might be gay. And it scared me to death.”
“Why?”

Dillon took another sip of his coffee, though he didn’t actually taste it. “My parents raised me to believe that being gay is a sin, Dr. Nash. According to them, everyone who engages is “deviant behavior such as that” is headed straight to hell.”
“First of all, I’m Nate and this is Brandon. No more of this Dr. Nash and Sheriff stuff. And secondly, I hope you know that what your folks say about homosexuals being deviants is a load of crap.”
“I know that now, Dr.--I mean, Nate. Megan started dragging me to church with her as soon as I told her the truth about myself. I’m starting to see that my parents and the church they belong to are wrong, but back then I thought there must really be something wrong with me. And I had no idea how Jamie would react if I told him the truth. Hell, I didn’t even know how to tell him I was gay, let alone that I was having all these fantasies and dreams about him. So, for almost two years I pretended that I was just like everyone else.”
Brandon stretched his long legs out to the side. “That never works. Take it from me. Sooner or later, the person you were made to be always catches up with you.” He sat up straight and eyed Dillon across the table. “I’m guessing when you were fourteen, you couldn’t hide your feelings for Jamie any more.”
“No, and I tried, believe me. But one afternoon when we were up in Jamie’s room playing video games, and goofing around, the truth came out.” Even as bittersweet as the experience had been, the memory made Dillon smile. “We finished the game and started wrestling around on Jamie’s bed. He pinned me, and I popped a bone.” Dillon drew in a deep shuddering breath. “Jamie noticed it right away, and he could also tell that I was embarrassed. Then he shocked the hell out of me by showing me that he was hard to. Not long after that, he told me he was gay, and that he’d been in love with me like, forever.”
Nate nodded. “So that’s how your relationship started?”
“Yeah, if you could even call it that.” The bitterness and self-mockery in his voice were almost impossible to miss. “That’s when he told me he loved me, and that’s also about the time things got, um. . .physical, but calling it a relationship is way too generous. Oh, Jamie gave me everything he had, but calling it a relationship implies that I gave something back, and that’s not even close to the truth. I took, and I took, but I never once gave him anything, not a damn thing.”

“What do you mean?”
Nate was being so kind, Dillon hated to tell him. He didn’t want either of them to know what a prick he really was. But lying was how he got into this mess in the first place, and he wasn’t about to do it now. “I thought as long as I let Jamie do all the work, I guess you’d say, that I wasn’t really gay. In my mind, kissing him was gay, and touching him was gay, but letting him get me off was okay.”
Brandon said, “So, to your way of thinking, as long as you never reciprocated, you weren’t really gay?”
Dillon nodded miserably, his head down, unwilling to look at the revulsion he was certain he’d see on both men’s faces.
Nate picked up where Brandon left off. “So, the two of you never actually had sex?”
Again Dillon nodded. “Yeah, we did, but I was always the pitcher, so to speak.” He put his head in his hands. “God, I was such an asshole.”
To his surprise, he felt two large hands gently tugging his own away from his face. He looked up to see Brandon standing over him, a look of something like understanding on his face. “That may or may not be true, but the fact that you’re here admitting it to us says a lot about how far you’ve come.” He sat back down next to Nate. “Go ahead and tell us the rest of it, kid. You’re bound to feel better once you get it all out of your system.”
Brandon’s non-judgmental tone gave him the strength he needed to continue. “Even though I didn’t give him anything in return, Jamie stuck with me for two years. We dated in secret, spending all our spare time together. My folks were always pressing me to start dating girls, but I always had some excuse. I knew almost from the first that I was in love with Jamie, but I was too much of a coward to tell him the truth. I couldn’t even admit it to myself. I guess I just though we’d drift along like we had been. But when we turned sixteen, I realized that wasn’t gonna happen.”
“What happened when you turned sixteen?” Nate sounded just as caring and understanding as Brandon had.
“Right after his sixteenth birthday, Jamie told me he wanted to come out. He was ready to tell the world he was gay.”
Brandon whistled. “Bet that scared the daylights out of you.”
“Oh, God, yes. I couldn’t even admit to myself that I was gay, and there was my boyfriend, ready to tell the whole world. Oh, he promised not to out me, only himself, but in the back of my mind, I just knew that everyone would know I was gay. I mean, we spent all of our time together, and neither of us had ever dated girls. It wouldn’t take a genius to put two and two together. Plus, I knew my folks would freak if they found out Jamie was gay, even if they didn’t reason out our relationship.”
“So you dropped him.” Brandon made it a statement, not a question.

“Yeah, but not at first. I tried to talk him out of it, begged him to wait, but he wouldn’t do it. He said he was tired of lying about who he really was. I admired him for being able to do what I couldn’t, but I was too scared to stick around for it. I cut off all ties with him. I wouldn’t answer his calls or talk to him at school. And when he came out, I pretended I didn’t even know him anymore.” He felt sick just remembering. “My parents found out right away, what with my mom being a freshman English teacher at the high school and all. I already knew they were homophobes. My father was fired from a law firm in Chicago because he refused to take on gay and lesbian clients. That’s why he opened up his own practice here in Reed. Even with the gay and lesbian population here, he still refuses to work for those who practice what he calls ‘alternative’ lifestyles.”
Brandon picked at his leather watchband. “I’ve always wondered why they call it that. They make it sound like we have a choice of something.”
“Tell me about it. Anyway, I knew they wouldn’t take the news well, but I had no idea they would freak out like they did. My mom didn’t say too much, but she does have a reputation for being harder on her gay and lesbian students, so I already knew pretty much how she felt. My dad left no doubt.” Dillon cringed at the memory. “He came into my room, ranting and raving about how that little ‘homo’ had been in his house, had eaten at his dinner table. He told me it was a good thing that I wasn’t hanging around with Jamie anymore because he was no longer welcome in our house. As far as everyone was concerned, that was the end of it.”
Brandon said, “Judging from the fact that you tried to shove your hand down Ben Lewis’s throat, I’m guessing that wasn’t the end of it for you.”
“Not even close. I did my best to fool myself into thinking I hadn’t really loved Jamie, but cutting him out of my life was like hacking off my own arm. I promised myself that I would forget about him and move on, but I couldn’t. About a year ago, I gave up trying. I accepted the fact that I would never be happy until I had Jamie back in my life. But I knew I couldn’t try to make up for the hell I put him through until I took care of a few things first. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that my folks will pitch me out on my ass the minute they realize I’m gay. So I’ve been working and saving as much money as I could. I just turned eighteen last month, and I have enough money saved up to make it on my own for the rest of the school year and the summer.”
“What about college?” This from Nate.
“With my extra-curricular activities and my three-point-eight G.P.A., I was able to get in at Garman College.”
Brandon raised a brow. “In New York?”
Dillon blushed. “Yeah. That’s where Jamie’s going. I know because Megan works as a student aid in the office and I bribed her to take a look at his files.” He took one more drink of his now cold coffee. “Anyway, I have a college fund in my name, and my car--which I bought myself and is paid for--is also in my name. If I’m careful, when my folks do kick me out, I should be able to make it until school starts.”
Nate said, “If and when that does happen, Dillon, Brandon and I could help. We--”
Dillon stopped him. “I appreciate that, but this is my mess, and I have to work my own way out of it.”
“I admire that, kid, but what are you gonna do if James Walker refuses to take you back? I can see how sorry you are, but you delivered one hell of a painful blow to the guy. What if getting him back is a no go?”
Dillon hoped to God that Brandon wasn’t right, but he also knew he very well could be. “Even if Jamie tells me to go straight to hell, I still have to try. And I also have to come out. I’ve done enough reading on the net and listened to enough of Pastor Oakley’s sermons to know I’m never gonna stop being gay. I’ll have to come out sooner or later. Might as well get it over with.”
“So, this whole thing with Megan was just for kicks?”
“I guess you could put it that way. I know you’re worried about your sister, but I swear, she’s known all along. She and I do stuff together because we care about each other, and we have a blast, but we’ve never been more than friends. We never could have been.”
Brandon nodded and then looked down at his watch. “It’s almost one o’clock in the morning. I hate to do this to you, kid, but you’re gonna have to call your folks to come and get you. You may be over eighteen, but as long as you still live at home I have to have a parent’s signature before I can let you go.”
Dillon’s stomach knotted. “My folks are out of town for the weekend. They’re off celebrating their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. They won’t be back until Sunday night.”
“Damn. Is there anyone else you can call? A grandparent, maybe, or an aunt or uncle?”
“No.” He thought for a minute. “I do have an older brother. Heath. Could he sign for me?”
“How old is he?”
“Twenty-three.”
Brandon said, “Well, it’s not the best situation, but I can’t have you stay here for two days until your folks get back.” He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and passed it across the table to Dillon. “Call him.” Before Dillon had a chance to dial, Brandon pulled a card out of his shirt pocket and handed it over. “Here. It has my work, home, and cell numbers on it. If you need us, call.” He got up and pulled Nate to his feet, leading him towards the door. “Nate and I will be waiting in my office. Just have your brother come in and sign you out when he gets here.” Brandon paused with his hand on the doorknob. “You know, your mother is gonna find out about this. It’ll be all over the school come Monday.”
“I know. I’ll tell them about the fight when they get home. The rest of it I’ll just make up as I go along.”
Brandon nodded. “Good luck, kid. God knows you’re gonna need it.”
* * *
Dillon watched his brother make his way through the rows of desks with a mixture of relief and dread. He’d had a lot of time to think while sitting in a chair just outside the interrogation room waiting for Heath. His brother had sounded none to happy on the phone. He probably had a hot date, and being called down to the police station in the middle of the night was screwing with his plans.
At six-two, Heath was just a couple of inches taller than him. Same brownish hair, though Heath’s was cut short to stay out his way while he was working as a firefighter for the city of Reed. Same light green eyes. Physically, the two were a close match. But that’s where all similarity ceased. Whereas Dillon had done his best to please his parents over the years, Heath could care less what anyone thought of him, his folks included. His who-gives-a-rat’s-ass attitude was one of the reasons the Carvers seldom saw their oldest son, and one of the things Dillon most admired about his brother.
Heath spotted him almost immediately. He crossed over to Dillon in three long strides, grumbling as he went. “You wanna tell me why you had to call me down here? Where are Mom and Dad?”
Dillon stood up and stretched his cramped muscles. “They went to the Pocono’s for their anniversary.”
The look he gave Dillon was typical Heath. “Ah, yes. Twenty-five years of wedded bliss.” He snorted. “Of course they’ve stuck together. No one else could stand to put up with either one of ‘em.” Health put his hand on Dillon’s shoulder and led him towards the door. “You said on the phone you needed someone to come down here and sign you out, right?”
“Yeah. Sheriff Nash is waiting in his office for us.” Heath nodded. “Let’s get to it.”
Brandon had the papers waiting for them. The signing out process took no time at all, a fact that Dillon actually found himself regretting. It wasn’t that he enjoying spending the night at the police station, but he knew his brother. As soon as the two of them were alone, Heath was going to demand to know the truth about his fight with Lewis. And Dillon was gonna tell him. All of it.
Heath’s truck was parked just outside the main door to the sheriff’s station, right in front of a fire hydrant. Dillon laughed.
“I thought you were a public servant. You’d think a firefighter would know better than to block a fire plug.”
“Yeah, well, most firefighters don’t have to bail their kid brothers out of jail after pulling a double shift, either.”
Dillon could feel himself getting defensive. “You didn’t have to bail me out, Heath. I was never charged. All you had to do was come down here and pick me up. It’s not like I asked you to give me a kidney or something.”
“Maybe not, but I still want to know what’s up with you.” Heath didn’t seem to care less that they were standing on the sidewalk within hearing distance of anyone who cared to listen, but Dillon did.
“Why don’t we get in the truck, and I’ll tell you about it on the way home?”
“Not happening, little brother. Knowing our illustrious parents, they’ll find a way to pin this one on me, like they do everything else. No, sir. We’re not stepping foot off this sidewalk until you tell me what’s going on.”
Dillon could tell by the set of Heath’s shoulders that he was serious. Might as well get it over with. “I took Megan to the dance tonight.”
“Megan Nash?”
“Yeah.”
“So what? The Sheriff busted you for taking his little sister to a mixer?” Heath narrowed his eyes. “You didn’t do anything stupid like take her parking, did you? So help me, Dillon--”
Dillon cut him off. “No, nothing even remotely like that. I got hauled in here for fighting.”
“With who?”
“Ben Lewis.”
“James Walker’s boyfriend?”
Dillon had to work not to wince at the word boyfriend. “Yeah. That’s him. He and I got into it, he insulted Megan, and I decked him.”
Heath tensed. “He insulted Megan?”
“Yeah, but that’s not what started the fight. He was pissed because I was trying to talk to James.”
“Lewis was pissed because you and James were talking? What, did he think you were doing, trying to put the make on his guy?”
Dillon nodded. “Yeah, that’s exactly what he though.”
“And why would he think that?” The suspicion in Heath’s voice would have been hard to miss.
Dillon took a deep breath. “Because I was. I’m gay, Heath. And I’m in love with James. I have been for the past four years.”
Dillon hadn’t exactly expected Heath to be thrilled, but he was unprepared for the raw loathing he saw on his brother’s face. “Gay? You’re gay? You rotten bastard.” Heath’s anger caught Dillon so off guard he didn’t see his brother’s raised fist, but he sure as hell felt the punch.