The Weakness in Me (2 page)

Jason watched as the girls’ mother leaned down to talk to the oldest and looked his way.
The girl folded her arms across her chest and turned her head toward him, her eyes narrowing. Her brown hair was pulled back into a stringy ponytail and she was wearing basketball shorts and a t-shirt, along with sneakers that were nearly falling off. It was definitely a departure from the rest of her family in more formal clothing.

“FINE!” he heard her yell before stalking off in his direction.
The anger she was exuding would’ve scared him, if he didn’t know he could take her. “Hi,” she snarled when she finally made her way to him.

“Hi,” he said, matching her
defiant tone.

“My mom said I have to introduce myself to you, but I don’t want to, because you aren’t Kevin and I don’t like you,” she huffed.
“This place is smelly and so are
you!”

“Well, you aren’t Jacob, so I don’t like you either,”
Jason stood taller in challenge, folding his arms over his chest. “And I think the smell pulled up with you!”

“Fine then,” she moved to return to her family, when she spotted a red ball behind him.
“Is that a soccer ball?” she asked, trying to sound uninterested.

“No,” he scoffed.
“That’s
my
kickball.”

“I love kickball,” her green eyes started to betray her excitement.

“You’re a girl! Girls don’t play kick ball!” Jason yelled in her face.

“This girl does!” she yelled back, stomping on his foot and turning to run back to her parents.
Halfway back, she turned to face him again, this time smiling when she saw him sitting on the ground in pain. “I’m Sammy, by the way. If you ever want to play, let me know,” she shot him a bigger smile and started back toward her new house.

“I’m Jason,” he called after her, nursing his sore foot, knowing that Jacob might have left, but he
wouldn’t be deprived of a friend. Even if it was a girl. Now, if only he could remember how to give himself a cootie shot

.

**

“Caleb!” Samantha McKenzie screamed, her voice gravelly and harsh from non use. Trying to jolt forward from her bed, she found she couldn’t. The pain seeped into every single pore of her body and her head was pounding. Even her eyelids hurt, refusing to open at first.

“Shh…,” she heard a voice say through the fog in her head, “Don’t try to move, honey.
You are in the hospital. You were in an accident. Do you remember?”

“Where’s
Corigan?” her voice still raspy. “Where’s Caleb?” she felt her eyes finally start to open, this time against their will. She squinted at the bright fluorescent lights blinking and flickering above her. The smell of antiseptics swirled around her, crystallizing the knowledge that she was, in fact, in the hospital.

“
Corigan’s fine, honey. Sara and Jessica are taking turns watching her,” Samantha had determined the disembodied voice was coming from her mother.

“And Caleb?
Please, please tell me that he’s okay, mom!” her voice becoming more panicked that her mother hadn’t already told her that her husband was okay.

“Oh honey,” her mom’s voice broke and realization slammed through her like a freight t
rain.

“NO!” she screamed,
trying again to jolt forward with no success. Uncontrolled tears started to pour from her barely opened green eyes at the understanding that her husband was dead.

“I’m so sorry,” she felt her mother take her hand, and heard the tears in her voice, even though she couldn’t turn her head to see the pained expression she knew was on her face.

“What am I going to do without him? I can’t imagine going on,” Samantha squeaked out through gut-wrenching sobs.

“You have to; you can’t leave
Corigan without both of her parents. It’s bad enough she’s going to be missing one,” her mom lectured, trying to sound encouraging, but Samantha was deep in thought and wallowing in her loss. Never again would she hear his deep throaty laugh, or feel his arms around her waist as she drifted off to sleep or his lips grazing her bare shoulder when she was getting ready for work. She’d never get to walk into their living room to find Corigan and Caleb snuggled under a blanket together. She’d miss everything about him, from the way he was always generous and kind to her and Corigan to the way he always made her feel like she was the only woman in any room. Not like Jason.

‘Where did that come from?’
she wondered, as a faint, muddled memory began to take shape in her head.

“It’s going to be okay, Sammy!
You need to hold on,”
she heard Jason’s voice say in her head, but why? She hadn’t talked to Jason in five years. Why would she think of him now? The pain took over again and, in response, her body shut down. Everything went black.

**

Beep. Beep.
The sounds of her heart monitor filled Samantha’s room.

“How is she?”
a distant, but male voice asked. Though it sounded familiar, Samantha couldn’t respond from her unconscious state. Conversations had been drifting in and out of her ears, but she was merely a blind and mute spectator to all that was going on around her. Had it been hours? Days? Weeks? Since she’d last been awake? Did she even
want
to wake up again?

“She’s been in and out.
She knows about Caleb now, so she’s been out for longer this time. I don’t know if she’s going to be okay… she…loves…him. So much,” a muddled female voice said through the fog. “I’m sorry; I hope that doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable.”

“No, not uncomfortable, just sad.
Sad that I’ve missed so much of her life because I was so stupid.”

“Jason, you guys were only twenty-one.
Cut yourself some slack. People do all kinds of dumb things in their youth. Sam did, too, you know that.”

“I get that, but her stupid stuff…well, it never looked like mine.
Never hurt me like I hurt her.”

“I’m glad that you are here for her.
She probably won’t be happy about it, but you guys have been friends since you were five. I hope you can learn to be there for each other again. She really needs someone like you right now.”

**

“Sammy, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you,” Samantha could feel a slight pressure on her hand at the words from the male voice she heard earlier, this time it sounded like he was sobbing. “I’m sorry I didn’t fight harder to be in your life after…but now, there is nothing you can do to stop me from being there for you and your baby. I wish I could give him back to you, honey. Your mom said he was incredible, told me how his face lit up when you walked in a room…you deserved that.”

“
Jason
? What the
hell
are you doing here?”

“Hey, Sara.
Sorry, I’ll get out of your way. Your mom said she’s been out two days solid since she found out about Caleb.”

“
I know
that
. You need to get
whatever
this is out of your system before she wakes up. She can’t handle seeing you right now.”

“Look, Sara, I don’t want to fight with you right now.
I know she’s going to need a friend when she comes out of this, and I’d like it to be me… How’s Corigan? Do you guys need any help? I’m happy to, if you need me…”

“Corigan is fine, missing
her parents
, but fine. We’re taking care of her fine, too- besides, she’s only eleven months old, she’s definitely not yours…why do you
really
want to help?”

“I want to make it up to Sammy, anyway I can.”

“Make what up to Sam? That her husband is gone or the fact that you are a lying, cheating son-of-a-bitch?”

“
From your perspective, I deserve that, but come on; you don’t even know the whole story.”

“I know what I saw,
Jason
-”

“No, you don’t, Sara.”

“Oh? Then why don’t you enlighten me?”

“I’d love to, want to grab a cup of coffee and go back in time with me five years?”

“If I’m going to relive that night with you, I’d like something stronger.”

“It’s ten in the morning, Sara.”

“Never stopped you before…”

“I’ve not drunk like that in almost five years, I promise.”

“Fine, I’m willing to listen to what you have to say. And I need a clear head to know if you are lying, so I guess coffee’ll have to do.”

**

“Rosie, honey.” Samantha felt a whisper of a touch against her cheek. Her pain was gone as she opened her eyes into a familiar pair of hazel-green ones.

“Rosie, honey,” the voice lit up her insides and she felt whole again, “you need to wake up.
Corigan, she can’t do this without you. She needs her mother.”

“I can’t, she needs her father, too,” Samantha answered
, her voice coming out strangled with her conflicting emotions. “How can I live without you? How can I make this up to her?”

“I want you to find a way to live again.
You deserve to be loved for the rest of your life the way I love you. You deserve to have someone show you their love every single day you have left.”

“I can’t,” she whispered, tears starting to fall.
“I don’t know how I can fall in love with someone who isn’t you. I can’t leave you behind, I promised.”

“Don’t
hold on to promises you are no longer meant to keep,” Samantha felt the whisper of touch at her cheek again and tried to lean into it. “Corigan deserves a father, Rosie, not a ghost. Remember that, it’ll happen, when you’re ready.” The hazel-green eyes, looking softly into hers began to fade away.

“NO!” she screamed and tried to hold him there, but he was gone.
Thrashing at the air, Samantha tried to scream for him to return, but no sound came out. All she felt was the pain radiating from every cell in her body, except her heart, that was now numb.

“She’s back!” a voice echoed as she opened her eyes and surveyed the faces staring down at her, doctors, nurses, and one more.

“Oh, Sammy! Thank GOD!”

“Don’t call me that,” she said, flatly
, as the doctors started to clear out of the room and her nurse adjusted her IV pole before leaving, too, pretending not to listen to her interaction with Jason.

“I’m sorry,” Jason said, letting go of the hand he’d been holding.
“Sorry,” he said again, with a sad smile.

“I prefer Samantha now,” she explained, staring at the ceiling, still unable to move her head to see
if anyone remained in her room but not wanting to look at Jason, “I don’t think I can deal with you being here right now,” she choked out, the pain medication starting to take effect again.

“At the heart of everything, we’ve always been friends.
I’d like to be there for you.” His blue eyes softened as he looked down at her.

“I’ve got plenty of family, I don’t need
friends like
you
,” Samantha said.

“Look, I don’t want to argue with you.
I know you are hurting right now so I won’t upset you any further--”

“What the
I
do you know about what I’m feeling right now? Have you
ever
experienced anything like this?” Samantha asked, venom spewing from her lips. She saw the shock register on Jason’s face at her words. “Let me answer that, no, you haven’t. Have you ever loved anyone more than you love yourself?”

“That’s not fair, Sammy-”

“Don’t fucking call me Sammy, Jason. What are you even doing here?”

“
Sorry,” he said, she was sure in regards to calling her Sammy again and cleared his throat. “My partner and I were dispatched to your accident. It was so hard to see you like that, like this,” he whispered.

“What are you
really
doing here? Is it standard procedure for my paramedic to follow up? Or are you taking advantage of my situation?”

“Because I care about you, Samm
y-antha. You know that, right? Regardless of our lack of contact these past few years, we meant something to each other for several years before that. It doesn’t just go away.”

“Yes, it does.
I’m going to close my eyes, and when I open them, you
will
go away again,” she said, closing her eyes.

“Look, I know you are angry at the world right now, and I’m the easiest target, so I’m not taking this personally.
I’m going to give you the space you are asking for right now, but I won’t just go away this time. I
will
be there for you and your daughter. That’s a promise. I won’t let you push me away,” Jason said, before she heard him back out of the room. As soon as she heard the click of the door, she felt the first tear cascade from her eyes and wet her ear.