The Weight of Shadows (15 page)

With the paperwork finally complete, the doctor set the chart aside. “Alright then. Let’s do an internal ultrasound and see if we can better determine how far along you are.” Kim laid down and fixed her eyes on the small screen. The doctor moved the wand, stopping to type something on the ultrasound computer now and then, and then stopped. “Hello, baby.”

Kim squinted at the screen, then gasped as a little leg kicked. “It looks like an actual baby already!”

The doctor chuckled as she clicked and typed again. “It looks like you’re measuring at about twelve weeks and five days.” She pulled a small round chart from her pocket and consulted it. “That puts your due date around January 15th.”

“So…is it alright? Is it healthy?”

“As best as I can tell right now, yes. It still has a lot of developing to do; we’ll know more at your twenty-week scan.” Kim concentrated on the screen as the doctor used her pen to pinpoint a specific spot. “That’s the heart. See how it’s pulsing?”

Kim gasped. “It’s got a heartbeat!”

“Sure does. Beating at about 136 beats a minute.”

“Is that good?”

“Completely normal.” She printed off a few snapshots, then cut one off and handed it to Kim. “Baby’s first picture.”

Kim stared at the grainy black and white image. “I can’t believe it.”

“Hard to imagine, hm?” The doctor helped Kim sit up, then turned the lights back on in the room. “We’ll get you started on some vitamins, and I’ll give you a list of foods to eat and avoid. We’ll want you to come back once a month until you’re in the last trimester, around thirty weeks. Then we’ll do appointments more frequently. Do you have any questions?”

Despite the way her thoughts were buzzing, Kim couldn’t come up with any. “I don’t think so. But…everything is alright, right?”

The doctor smiled. “Everything is perfect.”

After making her next appointment, she caught a bus to the salon. Her next appointment wasn’t for another hour, but she didn’t want to go home to an empty house when she had so much good news—and a picture—to share.

She floated into the salon, waving the grainy printout. “Look at my baby!”

Bette squealed. “Let me see!” Her eyes grew wide. “Wow, look at that. Amazing.”

Emma came and looked over her shoulder. “So what did the doctor say, Kim? Is everything alright? The baby looks like you, by the way.”

They laughed and Kim plopped down into one of the reception area chairs. “Everything is just fine! I got to see the heart beating. Can you believe it?”

Rumiko, who was in the middle of touching up a client’s roots, called from her station, “What did Rick say last night, Kim?”

“He was shocked.”

“No surprise there. So were you.”

“He was kind of…not excited. But I think he just needs some time to think about it.”

Emma raised an eyebrow. “What if he decides he’s not cool with it?”

“Oh, I can’t imagine he’d be like that.”

Bette sighed. “That happened to my sister. Her boyfriend just—
pfft
—up and left when she found out she was pregnant. Like,
really
left. She never heard from him again, never figured out where he even went.” She smiled. “But then she found the guy she’s married to now, and he’s a gem, so she was better off for it in the end.”

Kim rolled her eyes. “That is
not
going to happen to me. Don’t worry.”

Emma’s expression was one of concern. “I hope not, Kim. But you and Rick haven’t been together all that long. You really do need to think about what you’ll do if he leaves. Or kicks you out, seeing as the apartment is his.”

“At least you’ll know where he is,” Bette said.

“You can live with me,” Rumiko said.

“Or me,” said Emma.

“Or me, though you’d have to sleep on the couch,” said Bette with a grin.

“Guys, come on. Rick’s not going to break up with me, or kick me out, or anything like that. Trust me. I know him. He loves me, and he just needs some time to get used to the idea of being a father. I can hardly believe it myself, and I’m the one that’s pregnant.”

She kept a smile on her face so her friends wouldn’t worry, but inside she began to panic. What if he
didn’t
want the baby? Or her, for that matter, once she had it? What if he did kick her out?

“I’m going next door for a snack. I’ll be back in a little bit.” She stood and walked outside, drinking in the heat before plunging back into another air-conditioned space that made her skin prickle. She leaned against the building, eyes closed, and let the sun melt away her anxiety. Stress wasn’t good for the baby. She had to try not to worry about things she could not control.
If Rick leaves me, it’ll be okay. I’ll figure it out.
She continued to chant this in her head as she entered the mini-mart.
It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.

She wandered the aisles for a moment, letting her eyes fall on random items. She saw the X-acto knives hanging in the space where she’d found hers not that long ago. She hadn’t touched it in weeks. Hopefully she wouldn’t need it again, at least not for the purpose she’d bought it. After perusing her options, she pulled a bottle of water from the refrigerator case and a bag of cashews from the snack aisle. There was a basket near the register with fresh fruit in it, and when she went up to pay she picked up an apple as well. She was suddenly famished and couldn’t wait to get back to her station so she could eat.

Back at the salon, she propped the ultrasound picture on her mirror, then sat in the chair and opened her water. The information the doctor had given her said to drink ten cups of water a day. She had never been a fan of water, so she was going to have to really work at that. Once she started drinking, however, she realized how thirsty she’d been. The bottle was half empty by the time she set it down.

“Thirsty much?” asked Suzie from her station next to Kim’s.

Kim laughed. “I hadn’t even noticed being thirsty. Guess I was though, huh?”

“I was like that when I was pregnant. I had never thought about being thirsty before then, and then suddenly I couldn’t shake the feeling, no matter how much I drank.”

Kim frowned. “You have a kid?”

“Well, I had a baby, but I gave it up to be adopted.”

“Oh—wow.”

Suzie smiled, and Kim was relieved to see it was genuine. “It was for the best. I’m glad I did it. I wasn’t ready to be a mom. I was only nineteen, and my boyfriend was a jerk, though I didn’t realize it until I was pregnant and he tried to force me to get an abortion.”

The client in Suzie’s chair clucked her tongue in disgust. “Men, I swear.”

Rick’s words rang again in Kim’s ears. “What did you do?”

“I kicked him to the curb and my mom helped me pick a really nice couple to adopt the baby. They went to our church and my mom knew they’d been trying to adopt. I still get to see him every once in a while. They send me pictures on his birthday.”

Kim shook her head. “Wow. I never knew.”

Suzie shrugged. “I don’t talk about it much. It was six years ago. I’ve moved on.”

Kim hadn’t considered adoption—just like abortion, it hadn’t even crossed her mind when she’d seen that positive test. What if she couldn’t handle being a mom? What if Rick was right, and they didn’t know what they were doing? Maybe she
should
think about it.

“So, do you ever think you’d made the wrong decision?”

Suzie shook her head as she squirted mousse into her palm. “No way. It was hard to do, to go through the pregnancy and then hand him over to someone else. But when I think about my life now and how different it would be with a kid, I know I did the right thing. It hurt, but it was worth it. I had to think about the baby, too, you know? Not just me. He deserved a family that knew what it was doing, not some teenager who had no job or aspirations beyond the coming weekend. I would have loved him—I do love him—but I couldn’t provide for him the way they could. He’s way better off with them.”

A family that knew what it was doing. I couldn’t provide for him the way they could.
The words made Kim’s heart ache. Maybe she was just being selfish. A baby deserved more than she could give. And she certainly didn’t deserve something as perfect and beautiful as a new life to nurture.

She chugged the rest of her water and ate her apple in silence, listening to the conversations around her and the music playing over the stereo. Her thoughts were a mess, as were her emotions. Now she didn’t know what to do. If Rick had been excited, then she wouldn’t doubt herself so much. But what if he never came around? Emma was right, she needed a backup plan.

I can’t believe I’m thinking this way.
Kim stood from her chair and chucked her apple core into the trash.
A backup plan? Why on earth would I need that? Rick loves me, I
know
he loves me, and after everything we’ve both been through there’s no way either of us could leave the other.

The other girls just didn’t understand Rick’s and her relationship. It was way more complicated than they could fathom, given their shared foster experiences, and Kim’s crime and necessary punishment. She could never share with them what happened at home, because they wouldn’t understand the need for it. They just wouldn’t get it. And it was the same with the baby. They didn’t understand the bond she and Rick had. How could they?

Taking a deep breath, she rested her hands briefly on her stomach and sent the baby happy vibes to counteract the negativity she’d been feeling. She had to be careful, the things she thought and felt—she didn’t want to contaminate this innocent life.

Kim’s first appointment was due in ten minutes, so she stocked her station and took a bathroom break before perching herself back in her chair to wait. Her thoughts tried to tug her towards creating a backup plan, just in case, but she refocused herself on the materials given to her by the doctor, reading over and over the “Nutrition for the Second Trimester” sheet and meal planning in her head.

It’ll be okay. They just don’t understand. It’ll be okay.

B
Y THE END OF THE DAY
, Kim was exhausted. She hadn’t felt this tired before. The thought of the twenty-minute walk home made her want to cry. She hated spending money on the bus, especially twice in one day, but if it spared her an emotional meltdown she figured it was worth the cost.

She almost fell asleep as the bus bumped along the roads towards the apartment. When she caught herself nodding off, she shifted in her seat, sat up straighter, and began to think of names for the baby. David, Henry, Jonathon—she liked classic, strong names for a boy, especially with Allen as a last name. But for a girl, romantic names like Juliet, Charlotte, and Genevieve made her smile. She wondered what names Rick would come up with. She selfishly hoped he’d leave it up to her.

The bus let her off two blocks from the house—farther than she felt like walking, but still better than having to walk the entire way home. She continued to consider names as she walked, trying to recollect heroines from her harlequin novels and men from American history. Cosette. Samuel. Colliope. Joshua. Skye. Daniel. Alexandria. She had to admit she liked thinking of girl names better.

The apartment complex came into view, and her stomach turned. She didn’t want a big confrontation with Rick. She just wanted him to be as happy as she was. It was already five-thirty; chances were he’d already be home, so she couldn’t make another nice dinner to smooth things out between them. She felt bad for what she’d said and done last night, and while she didn’t think it had bothered him that much—she’d have gotten a slap at least if it had—she still worried there would be a wall between them tonight if she didn’t do something to make amends.

Rick’s car was in the parking lot when she turned the corner. She took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, and entered the building with her head high and her apology prepared.

But when she opened the door, all her words melted away.

“Hey sweetheart! You were later than I thought you’d be.” Rick kissed her and took her hand, pulling her into the living room. “I have a surprise for you. Sit down. Can I get you something to drink, some water maybe? You really need to make sure you’re drinking enough water, especially with the heat the way it has been lately.” He backtracked to the kitchen and filled a glass for her, then led her to the couch and handed it to her. “Okay, are you ready?”

She let out a nervous chuckle. “Um, I guess so—”

“Okay, close your eyes.” She obeyed, steeling herself though she didn’t know why. She heard shuffling noises, then Rick said, “Surprise!”

She opened her eyes to a stroller overflowing with packages. “Oh Rick!” She jumped to her feet and threw her arms around his neck. “Thank you so much. Thank you
so
much!” She kissed him hard to show her appreciation, then pulled away to examine the gifts. “I can’t believe this,” she said as she unpacked the presents. A body pillow, a book about pregnancy and birth, two maternity shirts and a skirt, and a heartbeat listener. She giggled. “You know it’s going to be awhile until we can actually use this, right?”

He shrugged, grinning. “It looked like something you might enjoy. I figured we might as well get it now.”

She smiled, her anxiety gone, and hugged him again. “Thank you. I’m so glad you’re more excited. I knew it would just take a little time to sink in. Oh! Look what I have!” She grabbed her purse from the table and pulled out the ultrasound picture. “That’s the baby, right there. I got to see the heart beating. Can you believe it?”

Rick squinted at the picture, frowning, then swore under his breath. “It really does look like a baby, huh.” He dropped it to the table and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “What do you say we go out to eat? A little celebration dinner.”

Kim felt like her heart would burst with happiness. This is what she had hoped for, even if it was a little late in coming.

He drove her to Alfredo’s, the site of their first date. While waiting for their meals, Kim told him about the doctor’s appointment and the excitement her salon friends had shown.

“I’ll bet your Club girls will go crazy, huh?” he asked.