The White Magic Five & Dime (A Tarot Mystery) (25 page)

“Now get out,” she said.

“But Mom—”

“Get.
Out
. Anthony. Thomas.”

I think it was the
Anthony Thomas
that did the trick. My mother never pulled the First Name-Middle Name thing with me—which of my names would she even use?—but I’ve seen it work wonders in “normal” families.

Grandi’s blocky face reddened, and he stalked out of the room.

“You, too, Rosalee,” the old woman said.

Grandi’s sister knew better than to argue. Instead, she spoke to me.

“Touch one hair on her head, and I’ll feed you to the coyotes in pieces.”

Then out she went, too.

“And close the goddamn door!” her mother barked after her.

Now I knew why they’d made us clean.

Mrs. Grandi looked me up and down. The up part seemed to displease her. The down part filled her with disgust.

“So,” she said. “You’re the nosy bitch who’s been causing all the trouble.”

A cussing
granny’s kind of funny in a bad movie.

Isn’t that cute? Baba Phoebe called the stuck-up father-in-law “assmunch”…and now she’s rapping about his tiny penis!

It’s not funny in real life. Not when you look into the little old lady’s little old eyes and see that the blankness there isn’t just cataracts. Whatever soul the crone ever had is as withered and warped as the rest of her.

The Grandis wouldn’t spare Clarice and me because Mom was in the house. They’d just try a little harder not to make a mess.

“Yes,” I
said. “I am the nosy bitch.”

Mrs. Grandi held a trembling claw out toward the chair beside me.

“You hoping I’ll break my neck staring up at you like this?
Sit
.”

I sat.

Behind me I could hear Clarice moving around to the right to get a better view of the two of us.

The old lady ignored her.

“There were times,” she said, “when I thought I was going to have this conversation with your mother. But I never did. Live and let live—that worked for us.”

“Until it didn’t.”

Mrs. Grandi shrugged. “It didn’t work for
someone
. But I’m here to talk about you. You know what we do, right? My family?”

“I know your son’s a bail bondsman and some of your other relatives read tarot cards and as a sideline there’s a little extortion and blackmail.”

“‘Some of my other relatives read tarot cards,’” Mrs. Grandi sneered. “I have two sisters, four daughters, three nieces, and one granddaughter in the business. You get your fortune told in Arizona or New Mexico, even money it’s one of us who’s doing it. And it all started from one shop—the one I opened thirty-two years ago.”

I held my applause.

“What about the blackmail?” I said. “Did you start that, too?”

“I don’t see you in a habit, Mother Teresa. What is it you do wherever you come from?”

“I’m in telemarketing.”

Mrs. Grandi grimaced to let me know what she thought of
that
.

“And do you want to
stay
in telemarketing?” she asked.

“I’d certainly prefer it to what I’m doing right now.”

The old woman snorted.

“Jokes,” she said with another grimace to show what she thought of
those
. “My son thinks you’re—”

She touched her forehead, then raised her hand high, the fingers fluttering.

“A bird?” I said.

“Crazy.”

“Oh.”

“I don’t like dealing with crazy people. They’re unpredictable.”

“Well, then you’d better—”

“And I don’t like smartasses, either.”

I didn’t finish my thought.

“I hear you’ve reopened the White Magic Five & Dime,” Mrs. Grandi said. “Do you even read tarot?”

“I’m learning.”

“What do you think so far?”

“It’s not what I expected.”

“What did you expect?”

“Bullshit.”

“And you don’t think it’s bullshit now?”

“I don’t think it has to be.”

“Do you believe the cards foretell the future?”

“I believe they can be used to identify and explore possible outcomes.”

“Don’t double-talk me.
Do you believe the cards foretell the future
?”

“Well…I wouldn’t say
foretell
so much as
foreshadow
.”

The old woman swiped a hand at me. “Bah!”

“Look,” I said. “If you want me to say it, I’ll say it: The cards aren’t just a scam. There’s something there if you really look.”

A small, sly smile tightened the sagging corners of Mrs. Grandi’s mouth.

“There we go. Was that so hard to admit? Wait. Never mind. I know the answer.” The woman cocked her head, and her smile went a little wider. “Now you’re starting to wonder if the old dingbat’s senile, am I right?”

“I just don’t know why you would care what I think about tarot.”

“I’ll tell you.”

Mrs. Grandi reached into her handbag and pulled out a small silver case engraved with swirling stars and crescent moons. She popped open the lid and took out a deck of tarot cards.

“You’re going to do a reading for me. How do you like to start?”

I glanced to my right, at Clarice.

If this is a dream, please wake me up,
the look on my face was supposed to say.

Clarice just stared back at me.

“Well,” I said, “first you should shuffle while thinking about what you want to ask. When you feel like you have the right words for your question, say them out loud. Then give me the deck.”

Mrs. Grandi nodded, still smiling. Her fingers may have looked like a bunch of knobby white twigs, but they shuffled the cards smoothly and quickly.

“Oh, I know my question already. It’s very simple,” the old woman said. “Yes or no: should I have you killed?”

She handed me the deck.

“No,” I
said.

Mrs. Grandi squinted at me.

“What do you mean,
no
?”

“That’s what the cards are going to say: no. I can feel it already. I’ve gotten really good at reading their vibe before I even deal them.”

Mrs. Grandi reached for her handbag again.

“Maybe I’ll just flip a coin.”

“No!”

The old woman froze, glaring at me.

“I mean…let’s see how the cards play out, shall we?” I said. “The answer’s going to be no, like I said, but we ought to at least see the reasons why. Now I’m thinking we don’t need a full Celtic Cross for something this straightforward. A five-card Dilemma spread will do the trick.”

It also had the advantage of being in
Infinite Roads to Knowing
. I’d read about it the day before. I’d just have to leave out one little detail.

“Five cards. Good choice,” Mrs. Grandi said. “If most are reversed, the answer’s no. If most are right-side up, the answer’s yes.”

“Uhhh…exactly.”

That was the little detail.

I started to wonder if I should have gone with the coin toss.

I laid out five cards in a line between us, then pointed at the first two.

“Reasons for a yes.”

I pointed at the next two.

“Reasons for a no.”

I tapped the last card.

“The most important thing to keep in mind when making your decision.”

“All right. Get on with it.”

“Fine. Reasons for a yes.”

I flipped over the first card. It was right-side up for Mrs. Grandi—which meant it was reversed for the person reading the cards, and that’s what counted.

It was a no.

Chalk one up for mercy.

I let out a breath I didn’t even know I’d been holding.

“The Five of Wands reversed. A card of conflict.”

“Five always means conflict,” Mrs. Grandi said.

I nodded as if I knew this already and it made perfect sense.

“So there’s turmoil ahead,” I said, “but you’ll only make it worse if you…follow through on the proposed action.”

I turned over the next card. It was reversed for Mrs. Grandi, right-side up for me.

A yes.

Score one for “kill!”

“The Five of Swords,” I tried to say.

It came out “the Fi uv Swuh.”

I swallowed and tried again.

“The Five of Swords. Another five. More conflict, but we don’t see it this time. They’re cleaning up after the battle. The fight’s over.”

That was all the interpretation I was going to give. Best not to dwell on a yes.

I reached for the next card.

Mrs. Grandi stretched out a hand and stabbed the triumphant knight on the Five of Swords with a long, blood-red fingernail.

“That’s the winner,” she said, “and it’s not us. That’s why the card says yes.”

“Yeah, but look at who he just beat. They’re alive. He’s letting them get away. They lost, but at least they weren’t utterly destroyed.”

Mrs. Grandi looked unconvinced.

I was surprised she needed convincing. Did she really believe all this stuff?

I didn’t know. I couldn’t even tell if
I
did or didn’t anymore.

I turned over the next card. It was reversed.

Another no.

“We’re on to reasons you shouldn’t kill me,” I said, “and we see the King of Swords turned on his head. A malevolent patriarchal figure upended. Someone with power over you will be undone.”

Mrs. Grandi rolled her eyes. “‘A malevolent patriarchal figure.’ That’s one way to put it.”

“How would you put it?”

Mrs. Grandi just shook her head and pointed at the next card.

One more no and the spread will have spoken: let them go.

I flipped the card. It was reversed…to Mrs. Grandi. Right-side up to me.

A yes to death.

“Well,” I said. “That’s clear enough.”

“That’s an end to conflict—a really, really definitive one. You’ll be rid of an enemy.” I tried to smile. “Not that
I’m
your enemy. Have I mentioned yet that I don’t even know what your family has against me?”

“We don’t have anything against
you
. This is a business decision.”

Clarice started moving toward the table.

“That’s close enough,” Mrs. Grandi said without looking at her. Her voice was loud, firm. Just a little louder and it would be heard down the hall.

Clarice stopped. “So two say yes and two say no?” she asked me.

“That’s right.”

It was down to the last card.

“But we’re all smart, educated people here, right?” I said. “No matter what the spread might say, I’m sure we’d talk through all the possible repercussions of—”

“Show me the card,” Mrs. Grandi said.

“—whatever decision might be made here tonight. Because the last thing anyone should do is act rashly when there’s so much at—”

“
Show me the goddamn card
.”

I showed her.