The Wilful Eye (29 page)

‘What a pleasure it was.' They both laughed and Calloot glared darkly back at them.

Soldier was at his window but he couldn't see into the room. The curtain was drawn. Still, he imagined. What would happen if I went into her room? He imagined himself in there, standing in the gold light, and she would be looking directly at him and her loveliness would swallow him completely and then it would fill him and lift his heart and he would have to ask her to dance and she would say she did very much want to dance and then he would take her in his arms and his gammy foot would be light and strong and good and together they would spin through the gold of the room. And if she asked him of his life he would tell her stories about fishermen and whales. He tried to remember the things he knew of life, the real things, the glass of milk, the thorns by the gate, the extinguished stars. Her skin, it was pale like milk.

It was night. They began to lie down for sleep. Always Soldier lay next to Meegey. It had been like that since he arrived. He had been so young, when he had come. Meegey had slept next to him to protect him. Soldier had curled in. In the day, Meegey had sat beside him and brought him food. He had not asked Soldier questions but had told him stories, tales from life, about fishermen and sailors and travellers and tailors and doctors and horses and ships and gardens. Soldier began to ask questions about the stories.

‘Why did the fisherman want more? What is a whale?' He began to eat.

They lay side by side. Meegey whispered, ‘Soldier, you know why they mock you? Because you haven't got the fear. You're different from them.'

‘You don't have it either.'

‘But I've known it. I just don't care now. My life is done. That's why he won't take me and that's why he won't take you. We're the only ones who want to go, so he won't take us. But you're young and still you don't have the fear, you've never known it.'

‘I haven't known enough yet,' Soldier whispered. He wasn't scared of going to the fights because his longing to go outside was bigger than anything else. Hope still simmered steadily inside him and he guarded it closely. He shut his eyes and saw himself as a tailor with golden cloth, or a doctor racing on a horse through the dark fields to a small home. Or he reached deep down into his heart where his love was nestled, buried safe and secret, and there he dwelt, only for enough of a moment to feel hope burst out again and his body grew warm and ready. But he wouldn't tell anyone, not even Meegey.

The next time Soldier saw her, she looked back at him. She swept aside the curtain with one arm and then she opened the window and leant out, propping her elbows on the window ledge and her chin in her hands. First she turned her face away from Soldier, which made him sure she knew he was there, otherwise why wouldn't she look both ways? That's what he would have done, he would look everywhere to find the best place to rest his gaze and then he would settle. But she hadn't even glanced his way. She wore the same green dress and her hair blew in the wind. She tucked it behind her ear to stop it blowing across her face. Soldier opened his window. It creaked as he pushed it out and for the first time there was just the air between them. Soldier's heart pounded and he put his hand there to try to quieten it. But perhaps she heard it, or the creak of the window, or his sigh, because she turned towards him, though not with her whole head, just her eyes. It felt to Soldier that when his gaze met hers the meeting was the most gentle and perfect moment ever. Though she had quickly looked away, a strange little smile lingered on her face, as if she knew it had happened, and then she drew back into the shadows of the room.

Soldier stayed there a while to wait for his feelings to calm. But when he leapt down, as if he had two good feet, and then flung himself flat on a sleeping mat and gazed up at the ceiling to have a little dream, Meegey came over. He sat down. He stared up at the ceiling too. For a while he said nothing. Soldier wanted to tell him – it was as if Meegey had come over to be told – and he was bursting with it, but it was his only secret, the only thing that belonged to him.

‘I had a dog once. I remember him. Black ears,' he said.

Meegey nodded. ‘You remember the dog.'

‘Yes. I remember him. Maybe he was mine. I might have loved him.'

Meegey didn't say anything else for a while. And Soldier fell back to dreaming of the girl. Meegey lay down next to him and gazed straight up too.

‘Does she know you watch her?' he said. Soldier's eyes widened, his hand flew to his stomach and he turned on his side.

‘How did you know? You've seen her too?'

‘Don't let the others see you,' said Meegey. ‘You have to hide it better now.'

Soldier nodded. He grinned and sang in a low whisper, ‘She knows, she saw me. She even smiled. She's beautiful.'

Meegey smiled and turned his gaze back to the ceiling and even though they weren't speaking, Soldier felt Meegey was lying there next to him just to be there, like a wall to hold in the joy so no one else could steal it away.

Hinto didn't come back well after the fight. He was dizzy and always falling over. He still sat down and rocked with his head buried. Garson left his meal by his side, but Hinto didn't eat it. Finney got out of bed and sat with Hinto, whispered to him. Hinto whispered back. Finney cocked his head, listened, took up the bowl of stew and offered it to Hinto, but Hinto still wouldn't take it. It was good for Finney to have something to do, thought Soldier. If you had something to look after, you found something to look with. Finney with his bad arm would tend to Hinto. Calloot lived in his memory, he sat there whittling a stick into a point, as if he was about to run wild in the hills and spear a hog. Diffan had his songs and his jokes to think upon and to share around. Garson had his cooking – he frowned and weighed things up, he tasted and stirred, he talked about variations of heat and lengths of time and ways to flavour and onions and spice and roots and grain. Toya had an older brother who would come and save him and he was waiting for it. Salson had no inclination to ponder anything; he was like a water buffalo, just standing there. Jacka had nothing but the jade stone round his neck and his need to get out. But Soldier had his dream of the girl and now he had her smile upon him.

Gollub was dragging his bulk up the stairs again. Finney began to cry and ran to sit near Meegey. Jacka started his puffing. Even if you wouldn't be taken, as Soldier wouldn't, you would still sense the panic. There was a sharpness to the sweat that took the air out of the room, it took the life out of their eyes, leaving only a fixed stare, a closed-up look as if they had all shut the doors of their minds and rushed down to hide somewhere in the dark.

Gollub leaned into the wall and panted, his long coat swaying round his black boots. The light from outside came up behind him. Soldier strained to look at it – just to see it there made his heart reach, but Gollub pulled the door shut and the outside was gone and all that was left of it was Gollub with his vast body and stinking heart. Soldier looked at Gollub's hands, which gripped each other and turned pink but showed no bones, only fleshy mounds. Soft little hands for such a big man, thought Soldier and Gollub, seeing the lack of trepidation on Soldier's face, marched directly over and swiped at him with his fist. Soldier was quicker and flung up his own arm to deflect the blow.

‘Useless cripple. What good are you to anyone?' Gollub swung away from Soldier and his eyes again swooped hungrily round the room as he stood, his arms behind his back, his head down.

Then he began to pace. It was a different tack. Most suspected it could only be worse and they hunkered down, as the panic whirled in their minds. Gollub sensed it and smiled. Still he said nothing, but took his time giving each of them a long stare, one by one. He had made up a game and only he knew the rules. So only he could win. He knew it and they knew it and he was taking his applause already. Garson dropped a pan. It crashed through the silence, but Gollub ignored it. Then he shouted, ‘I am sick of having to choose from this lousy pack of fighters.'

No one moved except Ezter, whose arms were rising up ready to fly around the room. His eyes rolled sideways to the window.

‘So,' said Gollub with a victorious grin, ‘who will choose for me?'

As the horror of this new plan sank in, no one spoke. So he would turn them upon each other.

Gollub shouted once more, ‘Who will choose?'

‘I'll choose.' Meegey stood up and walked forward.

‘You!' Gollub laughed. He opened his arms in mock generosity. ‘Ah finally, the father is to slay his sons. But who would you choose? Which one will you send out?' He shook his head, as if he was delighted by the puzzle.

‘I offer myself.' Soldier could see that Meegey knew it would not work. It was as if he spoke it only as a gesture, empty of heart and hope. He swept his gaze round them all, an urgency in his eyes, pressing them for something. What was it? To follow? Before Soldier could jump up to follow, Gollub strode over to Hinto, who was still weak. He jerked him up.

‘If no one chooses I'll take him again.'

‘I'll choose.' Calloot looked down at the floor.

‘Choose then,' said Gollub, dropping Hinto back on the bed. Gollub smiled victoriously. He wanted to wait, and watch as Calloot did his job. Calloot at least denied him this pleasure by choosing instantly.

He looked cold and hard at Soldier, not Gollub.

‘Diffan.' He spat it out and held Soldier's gaze.

Calloot's smile had a strange force to it, like a weapon. It jabbed and thrust at him, so that for a moment he was so struck, he could hardly understand what Calloot had said. As Gollub began to laugh, Soldier closed his eyes and turned away, his hands curling into fists.

For a while no one moved. They thought of Diffan and then they thought of Calloot and whether it meant now he would always choose, and whether that meant he would rule in some way. Would there be a line now drawn between him and Meegey and what side of the line would each of them be on? Where would be safer? There was a weight in the room, a sinking, slow momentum as everyone tried to understand. Even Ezter was still, just turning his head, looking first at Meegey then at Calloot. He saw that something had happened, that order was teetering on an edge. Meegey had his head in his hands. Calloot glared around angrily, like an animal that has just killed and defies anyone to approach. Gollub watched it all with a smile.

‘Fight him! Meegey, ain't you gonna fight him? He can't do that. Can he? Show him he can't.'

Jacka suddenly ran at Meegey and stood like a child stomping before him. Gollub roared with laughter. But Jacka seemed not to care about Gollub, he just shook his head, faster and faster. Meegey reached his arm to Jacka but you could tell by the slow way he moved that he was not going to fight and Jacka shook him off and ran at Calloot and grabbed him round the neck. Calloot grabbed him too by the throat, and both their faces were pinched up in hatred. It made Ezter shriek and flap and run. Toya and Salson jumped to Calloot's side and Meegey and Garson ran and pulled Jacka off and held him till he stopped struggling. Calloot slumped back down with his red throat, cursing Jacka. Gollub clapped his hands and chuckled. There was nothing that pleased him more than a fight. His plan had succeeded.

Diffan came to Soldier, threw his arm over his shoulder and whispered, ‘Now don't go worrying on my account, Soldier, don't you worry about me. I'll be fine. I'll be coming back to teach you some more dancing. We'll show him, eh?'

Soldier grabbed Diffan's hand, and scanned the room. A line had been drawn. Now it wasn't just a room with a hard floor and a dim light, now it was a room with two sides. Ezter knew it. He ran at the window. He crashed into it. He wanted to get out. Soldier knew it too. He felt his bones and his blood brimming against it. A great silent roaring came from deep within him as if every day lived here rose up in protest, and then the roar came out of his throat and his thin limping body with its unbalanced swing ran with a mighty force towards Gollub.