The Willingness to Burn (14 page)

Chapter 24

The oncologist’s office was worse. Much worse than the OBGYN. Even Maddy felt the sting of impending doom upon walking in. For someone who wasn’t nearly as uncomfortable as Jace in those types of places, she felt his pain and the pain of her own mortality. The waiting room was vast. A large room thinly carpeted with steel and cloth chairs outlining the one or two couches.

One in five smokers will get lung cancer. One in ten men will get prostate cancer. The statements lined the wall in the form of pamphlets made to “help” people and “spread awareness.” The average person consumes more than three thousand cancer causing agents every day. The food, the water, the fucking air, it was everywhere. No place was safe.

It made Maddy sick to her stomach. It was as though the waiting room was just that—a waiting room for your death. There, she sat in purgatory. The diagnoses felt complete as soon as she stepped in. She knew she had to remain positive. That was what they told her mother. That positive thoughts were what kept people going. Positive thoughts were the difference between a terminal illness and a temporary one. But she no longer believed that. Her mind wandered to her mother and what she must have felt after getting slapped in the face with that sentence.
Cancer
. The word itself hurt to say out loud, as though the very syllables were toxic to both the tongue and ear.

All the pamphlets said that treatment was possible, but it was always a
treatment
, never a cure. That would be far too optimistic. We can explore space but can’t cure cancer. That just showed the shortsightedness of mankind. Ignore death while we seek a disillusioned escape among the stars.

Jace seemed antsy as well, but she only noted that for a moment. She couldn’t escape her own mind long enough to pay attention to his. And he knew that. Jace wasn’t complaining. Wasn’t fidgeting as he normally would. His fingers did not tap a silent melody. Although, Maddy imagined the funeral march tapping in his mind. But he was silent, motionless, he was just staring out. His eyes fixed on the wall and his hand clasped over hers, squeezing it tight.

“Madison,” the nurse said and she snapped out of her trance. As did Jace. They both stood up and walked toward her.

After a series of tests, they found themselves in the doctor’s office. Not an exam room but the actual office. That was a courtesy. Doctor Raymond Hensworth was not only the top oncologist in New York, he was one of the top doctors in the country. He was also the holder of an account that valued just shy of fifteen million dollars with a hedge fund. One that happened to be owned and operated by Maddy’s esteemed husband. So the tests that normally took days to analyze and interpret were ready in no time.

“All right, guys, the news isn’t good, but it’s not as bad as it could be,” Doctor Hensworth began.

They braced together in anticipation, leaning forward in their matching office chairs and squeezing one another for comfort.

“It is treatable.”

“It’s cancer?” Maddy asked.

“Yes. It’s a small malignant tumor on your pancreas. It’s about the size of an almond.”

“And that’s good news because …” Jace asked suspiciously.

“It’s good that we caught it now. We can operate and remove the tumor, then begin treatment to kill any cells that we may have missed. You have a more than likely chance of making it through this, and that’s better news than I get to deliver to most people. Thank God we found it so early.”

“What about the baby?” Maddy asked.

Raymond frowned and looked down for a moment. “I’m afraid the baby won’t survive the treatment.”

That statement hit like a an avalanche. Jace took a deep exhale and looked down. Maddy wasn’t sure if it was a sigh of relief or mourning, but she decided it didn’t really matter.

After a moment of silence, Jace spoke. “So, it’s her or the baby?”

The doctor nodded sympathetically. “In the simplest of terms, yes. The surgery will undoubtedly cause complications with the pregnancy. And the following treatment would undoubtedly …”

He trailed off.

“Look, you guys are still young. You have more time. Once you get through this.”

Maddy couldn’t speak. Her tongue could move, but her soul wouldn’t let anything come out. The being that had been growing inside of her had become a part of her and to lose him would scar her. She knew that she would never be the same.

“And if we decided to keep the baby?” Maddy asked.

“It’s hard to say what’s going to happen over the next few months. It going to depend on a lot of things. Your lifestyle, your stress level, your family history.”

He paused, glancing down at her chart.

“I see here that you have cancer in your family.”

Maddy nodded. “My mother.”

“Then I would suggest taking every precaution with this. Cancer is no subtle bug. It’s hard enough to get rid of at this stage. Waiting until a later one might have … dire consequences.”

Jace bit his lip. He looked across at Maddy.

“All right, that’s a lot to swallow. I think we need some time to think this over,” Jace said.

“Of course. You know my door is always open to you.”

Jace turned to face Maddy; something about his body language made her feel more like the sick girl than the diagnosis did. “Do you have any more questions before we leave?”

Maddy shook her head absently. Of course there were more questions. Millions of them, she just couldn’t bring herself to think of them. All she could think about was the life growing inside her, right next to the fiend threatening to stomp out hers, and that of her unborn son.

“I’ll text you if we think of anything.”

“Please do,” Doctor Raymond said.

Jace stood up, and so did Raymond. They shook hands.

“You ready, babe?”

Maddy nodded weakly and extended her hand to Jace. He took it and pulled her up into a hug. The embrace was all she needed to expunge some of the emotions, and without her control, she began to cry weakly.

“It’s okay,” Jace whispered in her ear. “We’ll get through this.”

Chapter 25

Anna

Later that week I found myself at the very posh establishment of Blue Ice Lounge. It was in a large building that loomed over Jersey city. The bar boasted amazing city views and sat between the 20
th
and 23
rd
floors of the Kalhoon building. The twentieth floor was a bar; it was actually really nice. There were four bars spread out throughout the floor and the music had a nice even keel to it. It made it easy to talk. I hated those places that you had to scream in someone’s ear just to order a drink.

The 21
st
floor was much different. You wouldn’t know the different between that place and a Manhattan club. Not by the drinks, prices, or times. Jersey bars usually closed at 2AM but for some reason that place stayed open until four. I suppose because you were so far above the street no one cared, but who really knows?

Then above that, on the 22
nd
floor, was the lounge. I’d been to that bar before, and even the club a few times, but never to the lounge. The lounge was more of a high roller thing. The music was soft just as the lighting was. Everyone was extremely polite, and although someone might curse you out at the club, that was not accepted there. The balcony was large, nearly half the floor, and rested on the top level of the building. The views of the city were absolutely incredible from there. You could literally see everything, in just about all directions. There we sat, drinking high-end vodka, and looking out over the city below.

“So what do you do exactly?” I asked my mystery man.

“Ehhh, it’s not that interesting,” he responded with a smile.

“No, tell me,” I pleaded.

“I work in finance.”

“And what does that mean?”

“It means … I handle investments for some retirement funds. I investigate and pick the vehicles that will yield the highest return, and I pass those returns along to the clients.”

“That sounds like fun.”

“Ehh, it’s a bunch of number crunching. Nothing too crazy. Tell me more about you.”

“Well, I went to school for communications.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I figured that after college I would be a news anchor or something, but it didn’t quite work out.”

He nodded seeming to understand.

“So, I started looking for jobs.”

“Uh huh.”

“And my friend was working for this company and they were looking for an office manager.”

“Oh, God, you’re the organized type, aren’t you?”

“Yes. My chapstick is organized by flavor,” I said proudly.

“Seriously?”

“Yes.”

“How do you even keep track of them. I lose mine if I have it for longer than two days.”

“You’re a boy. You’re not supposed to be organized.” As soon as I said that, I realized that I should have said man and not boy, but he didn’t seem to care.

“And you are?”

“Obviously. Well, everything accept for my purse.”

I took a sip of my drink hoping to sneak that last phrase in without it being noticed, and he laughed.

“Why not the purse?”

“Okay, so I always start out organized, but I have to go through it so many times a day, that by the end of the day, it’s a mess.”

“Is it a mess right now?”

“No …” I said coyly. “I switched bags before I left to come here.”

“So we just started a whole new day together.” He smiled warmly, and again, I got this incredibly good vibe from him.

“Yeah, we did.” For a second, I caught myself staring at him and just getting absolutely lost in his eyes.
I’m not normally that girl. It’s just something about him. Something about the connection we have.

“So you got a degree in communications…” he prompted, picking his glass up off of the table and taking a sip.

“Yeah.” I snapped out of it. “So, I started working there straight out of college, and I guess I figured since I had already been doing yoga for a while, why not try to make some money off of it?”

“And how’s that going for you?”

“Well, there’s not as much money as you would think, especially for how much time you have to put into it.”

“How much time does it take?”

“It seriously takes like ten months. And that’s going practically full-time.”

“Practically?”

“Well, yeah, I mean, I have work and other stuff to do too, but I really hustled to get done with everything.”

“Good for you.”

“Yeah, so now the next step is finding a real job.”

“God, why would you want to do that?” He laughed.

“What do you mean?” I asked. I wasn’t sure what he meant by that, and I wanted him to take me seriously.

“Are you happy?” His tone suggested he was totally serious and he seemed to be honestly interested.

“Am I happy?”

“Yeah, are you happy?” he repeated back to me.

“I guess so, but I still want more.”

“I can understand that. But take my advice. Enjoy the happiness, besides, what do you want a real job for, I hear those things are miserable.”

“Well, how do you like your job, Mr. Finance?”

“I love it.”

“See.”

“But I had to do a lot to get here.”

“And I feel like that’s okay. Like it’s okay to sacrifice to get what you really want.”

“You know they say everyone understands the sacrifice except the lamb.”

“What do you mean?”

“Never mind. Do you want another drink?”

I looked down at my glass which was by then mostly ice.
God, how did I drink that so fast? I guess the good stuff goes down quick
. “Yeah … I think I—”

“Okay, I’ll be right back.”

I’m not sure how I feel about him not being much of a talker. I’m a Capricorn and that means I need someone to chat with, but maybe that’s best that he’s not. I’ve always heard people complaining about guys who never shut up maybe he’s the strong silent type. I like that. I like that a lot. He’s the strong cowboy and I’m the only girl he will open up to. It’s like a romance novel.

Chapter 26

Maddy said next to nothing on the ride home. And neither did Jace. There was nothing to say yet. Just a vast amount of distressed information to absorb, and a turbulent choice to make. Do they slaughter their unborn son to save his mother or do they roll the dice and hope to end up with both of them?

Once inside the apartment, Maddy went straight to the bedroom.

“You okay?” Jace asked. But there was no response. She bee-lined right to their bathroom and vomited. Jace quickly followed.

He held her hair and said quietly “We’re going to get through this. Everything’s going to be okay.” She gave him a wave that signaled that she wanted to be alone, and he abided by her wishes. He left the bathroom, closing the door behind him, and sat on the bed.

Jace laid back and stared at the ceiling. Thinking wasn’t the word for what he was doing. Thinking was something that signified productiveness. That was more like draining. All of a sudden, he felt very tired. He may have nodded off seeking an immediate escape but was shortly awoken by the flushing of the toilet. He sat up and bed and waited for the door to open. And open it did.

Maddy walked out and sat down next to him. In a calm, knowing demeanor, she spoke.

“We’re going to get through this.”

“We are,” Jace affirmed.

“All three of us.”

Jace bit his bottom lip and felt his eyes begin to water.

“Maddy.”

“Jace,” she responded quickly.

“Don’t you think we should think on it more and discuss this?”

“I think we just did.”

Her blue eyes weren’t filled with confusion, they weren’t filled with dread, they were filled with a knowing, an understanding, a
purpose
. Jace knew at that moment that there was no talking her out of her decision. She was decisive. That was one of the things he loved about her. When she made up her mind. You’d have better luck negotiating with the Earth to stop spinning.

“Okay. Just know that if you change your mind, I’m with you.”

“I know.”

Maddy hugged Jace and squeezed him tight. That time it was he who needed the embrace, the warmth to get through the trying time. She had become strong through absolute resolve. He was the one who was still paralyzed by it all. But she would be strong for all of them, herself, Jace, and Aimen.