The Willow Tree: A Novel (24 page)

Moishe was quiet for a moment, and silent, concentrating as much as possible on the love he felt for Sol and Bobby…and himself….Have you always agreed with the world Bobby? Are you always thinking the world is right?—Bobby suddenly jerking his head around and staring at Moishe—Muthafuck the world man! Thats bull shit!!!!—continuing to stare at Moishe for a moment, but unable to sustain it and jerked his head around again, leaning against the railing, pumping his body back and forth….

                                   Moishe continued looking at Bobby, silently, then spoke with the same gentleness and love, Youre asking me a question…Im answering. Im always answering your question, ya?—Bobby spun around and looked at Moishe—Im asking now you a question, You think always the world is right?

Again Bobby was unable to look into Moishes face, unable to deal with the expression of compassion and love, and after a moment looked down at his feet…eventually raising his head and looking at Moishe and shrugging, then shaking his head, No, I dont know if I know what the muthafuckin world be…ceptin I think the muthafuckas full a shit—Moishe continued to look at Bobby with the same expression on his face, from time to time Bobby looking down at his feet then up at Moishe…then once again at his feet…then back at Moishe…eventually he shook his head, No, I dont be thinkin the muthafuckin world be right. I be thinkin all them muthafuckas—snapping his head from side to side—out there be bad muthafuckas an be killin my black ass right the fuck now if they even be knowin I alive. No, I dont be believin the world be right, not by any fuckin way! But that doan mean he be right you got to wish that muthafucka be happy!!! shit! I be wishin he be miserable with every little part of me….Gauddamn right I be wishin that! All day an all night I be wishin that, fuck the you rotten muthafucka!!!!—and Bobbys body continued to shake with rage as he stared at Moishe for a moment, then back to pounding the rail, stamping around in circles, slapping his head then once again the railing, until all he could do was collapse on the bench and hang his head and hug it with his hands.

They sat silently, Moishe forcing himself not to reach over and put his hand on Bobbys shoulder, knowing it was not the time…not yet. Maybe never. Maybe Bobby never would give up his hate. Maybe it started too soon for him. Maybe that was all he saw, all he knew. Moishe didnt know. He only knew his heart was telling him to just sit, silently, quietly, and to just be there for Bobby, but not to interfere. Moishe became aware that he was toying with the bag they had carried the fruit in, empty now except for the peach pits. Something in him smiled at being aware of a brown paper bag with a couple of peach pits and getting some sort of comfort from feeling it between his fingers. Maybe there was some message there, some profound insight to all the pain of the world, or at least Bobbys, but Moishe had no intention of getting caught in all that. The peaches had tasted good and they had told each other that with every bite as they walked along the street…and now the bag felt good between his fingertips. That was all. And Bobby, and he, would survive this night, this talk…this anguish….Moishe shook his head and sighed inwardly, this whole eruption over just a few words…, Wish him happiness….Such pain over those words. About a man he never knew….O God, such turmoil over something so simple. Can anything be simpler than those words…or more impossible? Wish him happiness….And how strange…how crazy….I think of Klaus and Im alright….I mention wishing him happiness and look what happens???? How can we ever find happiness? We hunt and we hurt and we do what we do…what we have to do. What—enough, enough. Klaus is dead and so is my hatred. But Bobbys hatred kills in little bits and pieces. So young to the of hatred. But how old do you have to be to die??? even slowly????

In time Bobby stopped trembling and he took a deep breath and sighed, becoming aware of the pain in his body, the intense soreness as he started to relax. He sat up slowly and stared at the river for many minutes until he became aware of the boats gliding along the water, visible only by their lights. In time he leaned back and took another deep breath and exhaled slowly, still staring at the water, Looks like I be rememberin that breathin stuff Mush.

Moishe smiled and put his hand on Bobbys shoulder, Ya, is helping. We can use all the help we/re getting, ya?

I guess so Mush. Yeah, I guess so…shit, I dont know what the fuck be happenin man—breathing deeply again and leaning his head back and looking straight up at the sky as he exhaled, It be like that muthafucka up there, it all the time the same yet it be different…know what I be sayin Mush? Like it always be over ya muthafuckin head but you dont know what the fuck you be seein, shit, I dont know what the fuck….

Ya—smiling in the dark—When we/re looking, Gertrude and me at the stars we/re not caring about the names, ya?

Bobby nodded his head and looked back at the river, liking the feel of Moishes hand on his shoulder and having him close, but still confused by the night, by trying to figure out what had happened, how they be comin here an him feelin so fine bout las night an what he be goin to do an all at onct everythin seem all fucked up. Bobby shook his head, to even try and sort it all out hurt. He remembered thinking about hot dogs and ice cream and now that seemed like a thousand years ago, almost like it had happened to someone else. But somehow that river be lookin….The lights seem to be wigglin acrost the water, doan they Mush, specially around the boats…be like the lights comin up outta the water and boogie acrost it….Be lookin nice, eh?

Moishe started looking at the lights when Bobby started speaking and was mesmerized for a moment, then blinked himself into speech, Having more stars in the water than the sky….Nice breeze—lifting his face to feel it—Soon is winter. Ya….Thanksgiving…Christmas. On the river snow and ice maybe. On the lake here an—

Lake?

Ya, Prospect Park.

O…yeah.

And the old country. Freezing. Snow on trees all around lake. People skating. Sleigh rides. Same here. Lots of red noses. All bundled up. Scarves all wrapped around many times, so much longer than here—smiling—here is stingy scarves. Bobby started to say something but suddenly stopped as he saw the expression on Moishes face suddenly become so sad and pained Bobby felt like he had been hit in the stomach and he looked, wide-eyed, as Moishe struggled with a sudden memory—In the camp theres no boots, afraid toes are snapping off so we/re walking and stamping feet, only keep moving, keep moving—his voice getting louder and louder—keep moving, keep moving, keep….

                                   Moishe was suddenly silent, eyes closed, Bobby aware of his own heart pounding in his chest and ears, and Moishes chest heaving for a moment….then Moishe opened his eyes and looked at the river for a moment…shook his head, then looked at Bobby, Im almost forgetting, Im thinking—shrugs and strains a smile.

I damn near be getting my feets frozen, I remember. My sneakers be all ripped an it be snowin an then the wind come rippin aroun like a muthafucka….When I get home I be huggin and rubbin them fuckers for a hour.

Moishe stared at Bobby for a moment, What youre doing?

I boos me a new pair very next day man.

Boos????

Yeah—smiling, then giggling—You sure be havin a problem with the language Mush—Moishe smiling a real smile as he looked at Bobby and listened to him—I stole me some muthafuckin sneakers man, an some socks. Sheeit, I be warm the whole rest of the winter.

Ya…if only theres something to steal…O well—shrugging and pushing the memories from his mind.—One thing is very nice in winter

Yeah?

Having already a cold nose and going in warm house.

Yeah, that be cool.

They grinned at each other and sat silently for a few minutes. Eventually Bobby turned back to Moishe.

An this guy he be marchin too an he say, Wish he be happy?

Moishe nodded his head, Ya.

What you be sayin?

Moishe laughed, Same like you. I tell him hes crazy, out of his rucking mind! Ya, like you.

Bobby grinned then started chuckling, You be puttin me on?

Moishe shook his head, No. Im telling him.

Again they were silent, grinning at each other, enjoying the moment.

What you be doin?

Eventually Im having no choice….Im doing what Sol is saying.

No fuckin way. You be wishin that—O shit, I cant be believin—after all the shit that muthafucka be puttin your ass in??? how you???? Bobby trailed off into silence and shook his head.

Moishe waited for a moment…Im fighting….Im fighting. Inside something is knowing Sol is right, but Im fighting…hate is what Im needing. And maybe Im right—shrugging—Maybe hate is keeping me alive, is giving me reason to live…but soon its killing me.

How that be, it be killin you? Sheeit, this world be one big muthafuckin hate machine man an there be peoples all over the place, it doan look like it be dyin.

Moishe tilted his head to one side and beamed at Bobby, So…youre calling this living—and laughed, Bobby staring at him for a moment, then laughing too—The hate is so bad one day Im collapsing on march back to camp. Im getting up but Im dizzy, some men are helping me, and in my heart Im knowing 2 things—Moishe stopped for a moment and looked at Bobby with profound kindness and compassion—for absolute certain—tapping heart—in here….All of a sudden Im knowing that Im dying…that simple, Im dying and tomorrow or next day, Im not getting up from ground and before is setting the sun Im food for wolves. Absolute!—He was quiet for another moment watching Bobby absorb the information—And Im also knowing, same way almost same time, that Sol is right—getting more excited—Im knowing in all of me, Sol is right…and I start to cry….Why???—Bobby shaking his head—Because Im knowing both things are right and I then know 2 more things…I dont want to die, I want to live…and I cant give up my hate, so Im standing there trembling, sweating, wanting to live but I cant stop killing me!!!! I cant tell you what Im feeling then…so terrible…like being already in a nightmare and youre knowing you should wake up but youre saying no and you cant stop yourself…youre saying no, no, no….Ya, maybe hate was reason to live for while…maybe even its keepin me alive. But now….But I cant stop….Im dying….I cant hate, and I cant not hate. They looked at each other, silent, the sounds of the streets and the river continuing yet each aware only of the beating of their own hearts….

                  Bobbys voice was quiet, concerned, So what be happenin Mush?

I keep crying, like…sob, you know? I keep sobbing…not loud, not much tears, and Im dizzy, everything is moving a little bit, is not too much, but Im dizzy. So Sol is again hugging me and telling me his hate—Moishe shook his head and moved his hands—Hes telling me a long time but is happening to him worse then me, his wife and 2 daughters were betrayed by a friend, are taken to camp and hes hearing theyre dead—the sounds of the streets and river were a backdrop to their silence, their thoughts, the intensity of their feelings, a simple indication that life was continuing all around them, as it was continuing within them, as they talked about the many deaths some people share, experience—Hes being told he has to be willing to wish that man happy—Bobbys eyes suddenly popped open and bulged, his mouth opening but he remained silent—and so same like me a prisoner is holding him and saying same as to me. Sol is saying he cant…even if he wanted to he cant, and man is saying thats true, but if hes willing to give up the hate something in him will show him how to do it, will do what he cant do—Moishe looked out at the river, allowing the lights, the movement, to push aside the pain of the memories….

              Bobby continued shaking his head, still unable to speak, his disbelief and conflict obvious.

In time Bobby stood and leaned on the railing, then turned and looked at Moishe for a moment before speaking, I dont know Mush. I dont think you be lyin to me, I know you be straight bro, but I caint believe that shit…uh uh, no way can I be believin that shit. It be like I dont be doin nothin an the man come up to me an bus open my head, then the moms, an who else, an I supposed to say merry xmas muthafucka, whach you wantin for xmas I can give ya????

Moishe smiled, then grinned and nodded his head, Im not thinking so, but….

As always Moishes smile put a grin on Bobbys face, I dont know where you be comin from, but you do be knowin what it be to be hurtin. Ain no bool shit about that bro, you be knowin about that. But that other shit—shaking his head—no way…uh, uh, no way man….

                     They remained silent for a few minutes, then Bobby stood straight, adjusted his pants and shirt, What say we be gettin some hot dogs Mush, I be starvin. All this fat mouthin make me hongry—smiling and waiting for Moishe to get up before starting walking in the direction of home.

The next morning Moishe had a strange feeling as he sat at the breakfast table, frowning and confused, until he realized that Bobby usually was finished working out by now, but he could still hear him working with the dumbbells, which meant he still would be using the rowing machine. Moishe wondered, briefly, why he was spending so much time with them today, but soon shrugged it off, telling himself it wasnt important, that he couldnt hurt himself doing this for one day, and also knowing that if he thought about things too long he ended up worrying…no matter what he started thinking about, worry always followed. So he poured himself another cup of coffee, covered another piece of bread with butter and jam, and thought about the previous evening and all the changes of emotions they both experienced. It was an overwhelming thought, so much having happened Moishe could not absorb it all yet. Anyway, he was content to remember the walk home, the peaceful feeling he had which somehow surprised him, and the joy he always felt in watching Bobby devour hot dogs, wham, wham, wham, gone…onions, sauerkraut, red pepper, mustard, wham, wham, wham.

He had long finished the coffee and bread when he heard the shower and knew Bobby would be out in a few minutes so he started cooking the bacon and sausages.

Bobby was quiet while eating and was quiet during the rest of the day. A few times Moishe tried to start a conversation and though he could see Bobby actually tried to talk he was just in a quiet mood so he left him alone. Moishe kept himself busy in his workshop, but became increasingly uncomfortable during the day. He told himself there was nothing to be uncomfortable about, its a day like any day…just a day…and some days people are quiet, thats the way it is. But he had difficulty believing his own reasoning as the day went into night, and then his gut tumbled when Bobby said he was going out much earlier than usual, and checked his jacket several times, tapped his pockets making mental notes and nodding to himself, putting on his gloves and saying so long, See ya in a little while Mush.