The Wraiths of Will and Pleasure (46 page)

‘I kind of gathered, yes. You were the cause of some pretty meaty gossip at Shadetide.’

‘Well, there’s one thing you should know, which may be useful when you return to
Forever
,’ Flick said, ‘and that is that Seel has been in love with Cal since they were human. He was jealous of Pellaz even before Pell became har. And you say that Swift was close to Cal too? Draw your own conclusions. Seel professes to hate Cal, but he’s just furious because Cal isn’t interested in him. Whatever Seel says to the contrary, don’t believe a word of it.’

Leef laughed. ‘I’ll remember that.’

Flick took a deep breath. ‘I can’t believe I’ve just been so catty, but it felt really good.’

Leef reached out and briefly clasped his arm. ‘I didn’t hear anything bad, I just heard the truth.’

The cabin was larger than the last one they’d stayed in, and had two bedrooms as well as a main living area. Chelone built fires in all three rooms and by the time they sat down to eat the place was quite homely and cheerful. Flick was strongly aware that he must remember this time, because it was another important moment. It was, perhaps, the lull before the storm. They did not know where Tel-an-Kaa was taking them. They had no idea whether the Gelaming would come after them or not. Tel-an-Kaa had assured them they’d find peace in the east, but Flick could not be sure of that.

To some extent, the alcohol and the warmth banished Flick’s anxiety and fear. For some hours, it was possible simply to be, with no future and no past. Leef sat beside him, on the floor before the stove, and when he took Flick in his arms to share breath, Flick didn’t pull away. He could feel Lileem’s curious scrutiny, Mima’s hot discomfort and Tel-an-Kaa’s somewhat weary resignation. Across the room, Chelone was running his fingers through Ulaume’s hair, and when Flick glanced at them for a moment, he was sure he saw that hair slowly lifting and falling of its own accord. Perhaps it needed the caresses to remember itself once more. Ulaume sat cross-legged, with his head thrown back, basking in the attention. It would only be a matter of time before Chelone leaned forward to kiss the column of his throat. For a moment, Flick felt sad for Mima, but wasn’t this the way hara were supposed to be, giving of each other unconditionally? Whatever she was, Mima was not har. She could never be part of something like this.

Leef took Flick’s hand and said, ‘Shall we go to the other room?’

‘It might be best,’ Flick said, and Leef laughed softly.

As they passed Chelone and Ulaume, Chelone looked up and caught Leef’s eye. Leef made a discreet gesture. Flick saw Chelone glance at Mima and back to Leef. Some unspoken dialog was going on here.

In the bedroom, Leef said, ‘Chelone wants to help Mima, but he’s afraid. He thinks maybe we could help him together.’

‘I don’t think…’ Flick began, but Leef didn’t want to hear it. He was drunk with desire and it was infectious.

Flick thought that maybe it would all work out fine, maybe this was what was meant to be, but in the event, he need not have concerned himself about it. When Chelone and Ulaume joined them in the bedroom, they were alone.

Chapter Twenty Six

Mima realised that the worst pain in the world was having to watch someone you wanted desire someone else. From the moment Chelone had turned up with the others at the oak tree, a maelstrom of conflicting feelings had consumed her. From that point on, her entire being had been absorbed in fantasising conversations and possible outcomes, none of which had come to pass. She couldn’t bring herself to look Chelone in the eye, but had spent a lot of time gazing longingly at his lean back.

Jealousy and misery filled her up when she realised that Chelone planned to spend the night with Ulaume. It was so unfair. He’d cast her off as if she was something repellent, and maybe she was to him now, but at one time, he’d liked her. Then, the moment had come, after Leef and Flick had left the room, when Chelone just turned to her and spoke her name. She was so surprised; she must have stared at him like an idiot.

‘Would you like to join us tonight?’ he asked. Just that. No explanations, apology or any attempt to disguise the offer. So harish. But she could see, from the expression in his eyes, that he truly wanted her with them. Perhaps he’d needed to get drunk to face this. The situation was so enormous, Mima could barely breathe. It was as if she was out of her body, floating somewhere near the ceiling, watching a person who looked like her saying, ‘Yes.’ She even watched this person begin to stand up.

But then Tel-an-Kaa’s right arm whipped out like a striking serpent. The Zigane grabbed hold of one of Mima’s wrists and suddenly she was back in her body, surrounded by the falling dust of a shattered dream.

‘No!’ said the Zigane.

Chelone stared at her coldly. ‘What business is this of yours?’

‘I have to speak to Mima. It is personal and private. You go and have your fun, har. Leave Mima out of it.’

Chelone looked as if he was prepared to fight, and attempted to stare Tel-an-Kaa out, but it was he who dropped his gaze first.

Mima was frozen. She couldn’t speak for herself, even though she wanted to. She had to watch Chelone and Ulaume go into the bedroom and close the door.

Once they’d left, she recovered her wits and pulled herself out of the Zigane’s hold. ‘Excuse me,’ she said coldly. ‘I don’t need anyone to make my decisions for me.’

‘Stupid creature,’ murmured the Zigane. ‘You clearly do. You are no longer a girl, so stop lusting after beings you perceive as boys.’

Mima was so shocked Tel-an-Kaa had realised she was not an ordinary har that she sat down again. ‘What did you say?’

‘You heard. You are not Wraeththu, Mima, no matter how much you might think you want to be. Have you taken aruna with a har?’

‘That’s none of your concern,’ Mima said.

‘Answer me. It is important.’

‘Yes,’ Mima said, ‘because I am har too.’

Tel-an-Kaa shook her head. ‘You are a fool, and lucky to be alive. You have no idea what a risk you took. You and Lileem are something other than har, and now I wish to speak of it to you. This is between the three of us. You must respect that, but I think that once you know the truth, you will.’

Lileem sidled closer. ‘What are we?’

‘I know what we are,’ Mima said. She was still wondering whether she dared to stand up and go through to the other room.

Tel-an-Kaa ignored her remark. ‘I am not human,’ she said, her voice so low that both Mima and Lileem had to lean close to hear her. ‘I am not quite how I appear. I can make myself look like a human woman, because it is my chosen disguise. It enables me to help surviving human women who need it. It allows them to trust me.’

‘What are you?’ Mima demanded.

‘I am Kamagrian,’ she replied softly, ‘as are you.’

‘What’s that?’ Lileem asked in a rather staged whisper.

‘Wraeththu believe that only males can be incepted, but this is not so. Females can be changed also, if not exactly in the same way. This is what has happened to you, Mima. The circumstance has arisen since Wraeththu learned how to procreate. Certain individuals born to hara are different – as Lileem is – and these individuals can incept human females. We are a species hidden within Wraeththukind. They do not know how many of us there are, and when we do appear, we are feared, because hara do not understand what we are. They are afraid that the birth of a Kamagrian among them signals that somehow inception is being reversed, that Wraeththu might come to an end. This is not the case.’

‘How are we different?’ Lileem asked. ‘Ulaume thinks we’re just freaks of nature.’

‘The main difference is that the first Wraeththu devoted himself to incepting others, to creating a new species. The first Kamagrian, on the other hand, isolated herself from the world, which is perhaps one of the reasons why Wraeththu are more prevalent than Kamagrian. My personal view as to why she made this decision is that is it easier for human males to accept being Wraeththu, because they do not change that much physically. What makes them different is hidden, and the one thing that marks them indelibly as inhuman, namely procreation between hermaphrodites, can be ignored for some time.

‘For a Kamagrian, from the very first moment they open their eyes after althaia, the world shatters, and I think this is why our progenitor at first chose not to pass her difference on. After inception, for a woman, gone are the things that made up her identity. She has male organs, developed to a greater or lesser degree, but far more shocking than the discreet soume-lam. She loses her cycles of menstruation, and for many this feels as if they have been unwomanned. They lose their female shape somewhat: the breasts wither, the hips become narrower, fatty tissue is redistributed around the body. In the old world, a boyish shape might have been desirable for a woman, but the reality of actually having a boy’s body is something else entirely. It feels as if something terrible has been imposed upon them, that they have mutated into monsters.’

‘I have felt some of this,’ Mima interrupted, ‘but I have striven to be har. It
is
what I am, I’m sure. The problem I have is with thinking of myself as ‘he’, which of course I’m not, but it did not feel right to me simply to shift gender in terms of how I thought of myself. I have to, in day-to-day life, because of course to do otherwise would be stupid, if not dangerous. But the problem lies in the words, just the words. Surely, we should just think up a new term between us, that is neither he nor she, then we can all live together comfortably.’

‘There is some truth in your observations,’ Tel-an-Kaa said, ‘but the other reason why you can’t think of yourself as truly har lies beyond mere terminology. It is because aruna between Kamagrian and Wraeththu is not possible.’

‘It is,’ Mima said.

‘Really,’ said Tel-an-Kaa flatly. ‘Then tell me your experience of it. Did it progress as normal aruna should?’

Mima felt a defensive wall spring up within her. ‘How should I know? There were… well, the har concerned knew there was something different about me, but everything worked. I could be ouana with him.’

‘Of course you could, but physical aspects aside, what was your experience?’

Mima was silent for a moment. ‘The world went a bit peculiar. I felt I could have been sucked out of it.’

‘Exactly. The essence of Kamagrian and Wraeththu do not mix. It causes anomalies in reality. In effect, it can break reality down, to the point where you are taken from it. Forever.’

‘Where do you go?’ Lileem asked.

‘Nowhere you can return from,’ Tel-an-Kaa said. ‘We don’t know exactly, because no one has come back to tell us about it. Therefore, we can only look upon it as death.’

‘So,’ Mima said, ‘you’re saying that a har gave birth to the first Kamagrian, and that even though she came from Wraeththu, she is somehow set apart from it? That doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t sound like nature.’

‘The first Kamagrian did not come from a har,’ said Tel-an-Kaa. ‘It had nothing to do with nature.’

‘Then
where
did she come from?’

‘The same place the first Wraeththu did. We have no proof, and neither do Wraeththu, but the most enlightened among us all believe that humans created both Wraeththu and Kamagrian. They were genetic experiments. Wraeththu is a refined form of Kamagrian, which we think came first. It would make sense for someone wishing to create a hermaphrodite to use the female as a template, as all human embryos begin life as female. Who knows what genetic cocktails were concocted?’

‘But if the first Kamagrian was created in the same way as the first Wraeththu, why was one known as ‘she’ and the other ‘he’?’ Mima asked. ‘It doesn’t make sense.’

‘We can only conjecture,’ Tel-an-Kaa replied. ‘For all we know it could have simply been an executive decision. As females, among humanity, gave birth, perhaps it was decided that a hermaphrodite would be better referred to as ‘she’. Also, as you probably already know, the ouana-lim is not as developed as it is in hara. Kamagrian children appear virtually female; it is only after althaia or feybraiha that the male aspect tends to become active. In some Kamagrian, this hardly takes place at all. There is no normal physical condition for us, merely a place on a scale. Certain other feminine aspects remain, in rudimentary form, which hara never have.’ Tel-an-Kaa shrugged. ‘As I said, we know so little. Whoever created us all is either dead or has purposely abandoned their creations. Perhaps the first Wraeththu was also created from female material. We really don’t know that either. All we can do is observe the results. Kamagrian are part of Wraeththu, yes, and sometimes they are born to Wraeththu, like throwbacks maybe, but until someone discovers the truth about how both species were created, we are in the dark.’

‘But why were we created?’ Lileem asked. ‘Why would humans do that?’

‘The threat of extinction through infertility is my guess,’ said Tel-an-Kaa. ‘Or perhaps a scientist genius somewhere did it simply because he or she could. Perhaps they had an insatiable curiosity to tamper with the clay of life, to create new and wondrous beings. One day, we might find out, but for now we have to deal with the simple problem of Wraeththu fear and conceal ourselves among them. There are too few humans left for us to incept and unfortunately we have not yet been able to procreate. This is perhaps evidence that in some ways we were the failed experiment and Wraeththu was the more successful one. Too many questions, and no answers.

‘This is astounding,’ Mima said.

Lileem appeared troubled and Mima sensed it was because Ulaume and Flick were their family and now Tel-an-Kaa had somehow taken them away.

‘You cannot live openly among Wraeththu,’ Tel-an-Kaa said, and her words were the death sentence. ‘You must come with me to Jaddayoth, where our tribe, the Roselane, live. Our progenitor, Opalexian, has established a Kamagrian city there, called Shilalama. There, you can be trained and live in safety. There are some hara there too. It is a spiritual place.’

Mima went cold. She and Lileem stared at one another for some moments, and Lileem’s eyes were full of tears. Mima knew they were both thinking, ‘We could run. We could kill this Kamagrian and run. We’ve done it before, we could do it again.’

‘Kamagrian are called to Roselane,’ Tel-an-Kaa said. ‘It was the call you felt within you, Lileem. It is where you belong.’

‘I wasn’t called,’ Mima said.

Tel-an-Kaa appeared slightly uncomfortable. ‘That is unusual, and perhaps somehow connected with who your brother was.’

Mima glanced at her sharply. ‘You know about him?’

‘I know you were the Tigron’s sister when he was human, yes. Ulaume told me.’

Mima wasn’t pleased about that. She wished Ulaume had kept his mouth shut. ‘I should be with him,’ she said.

‘No,’ Tel-an-Kaa said. ‘You can’t. Not yet. Things may well change, but this is a delicate time for Wraeththu. It is essential they do not yet become aware of Kamagrian. Elements within Wraeththukind would seek to exterminate us.’

‘I don’t believe that,’ Mima said.

‘I don’t care whether you believe it or not,’ Tel-an-Kaa said. ‘It is the unpleasant truth.’

‘Can Ulaume and Flick come with us to Roselane?’ Lileem asked.

‘If they so wish it,’ Tel-an-Kaa replied. ‘Given their own situation, I think it would be the best option for them. One thing you should be aware of is this: Kamagrian have far greater powers than Wraeththu. Psychically we are more developed and are able to channel the life force of the universe more effectively. In some ways, we lack what Wraeththu have, but in others we are greatly superior.’

‘Can we tell Ulaume and Flick about all this?’ Mima asked.

Tel-an-Kaa nodded. ‘Yes, but not yet. We need to shed the Parsics first. I need also to be absolutely sure your guardians are trustworthy.’

‘They are!’ Lileem cried.

‘I am not criticising them,’ Tel-an-Kaa said. ‘I just need to reveal this information to them gently and observe their reactions. If they are not what I’d expect, then certain details must be kept from them. You must respect this, Lileem, because should the information land in the wrong ears, many lives would be at stake. In telling you all this, I am burdening you with a great responsibility. I hope you appreciate that I admire you enough to trust you. Initially, I wasn’t going to speak to either of you until we’d left Megalithica, but in the short time I’ve known you, you’ve impressed me.’