Then She Fled Me (31 page)

“
One can shut on
e
self up in a world of abstracts, even convince oneself a career is all-sufficing, but sooner or later one becomes vulnerable,
”
he said.
“
It
’
s taken me a little longer than most to find it out, that
’
s all.
”

“
I don
’
t think I quite understand you.
”

“
Don
’
t you, Sarah? Well, never mind, and don
’
t worry any more about Kathy. She
’
s just built a dream round an imaginary person. Quite soon you
’
ll find she
’
s missing young Kavanagh.
”

“
Do you think so? But supposing she can
’
t love him after all?
”

For a moment his lips had the old sardonic twist to them,
“
Very few of us can afford to despise the old tried friendships,
”
he said.
“
Second-best isn
’
t as
shabby as it sounds.
”

She looked at him with swift negation.

“
I don
’
t think second-best is good enough
’
,
”
she said, and his eyes grew grave.

“
No, Sarah, I think for you it wouldn
’
t be,
”
he said
.
“
But then you would demand more of life than most people, and that, perhaps, is a mixed blessing. I used to be the same, you know.
”

“
And now you would compromise?
”

“
Well, didn
’
t you once tell me that there were other sorts of miracles? St. Patrick was the boy for them, you said, and don
’
t forget I made a wish at his well.
”

She looked beyond him out of the window
”
to Slieve Rury rising beyond the lough with its summit of snow.
“
But, surely, for you anything that had to take the place of your profession would be second best?
”
she said.

“
No, Sarah, not anything,
”
he replied gently, then added, with a lift of the eyebrow:
“
I wonder if you really know what we
’
re talking about?
”

“
Compromise.
”

He smiled.

“
Not entirely. Anyway, to you it has a dreary sound.
But sooner or later, Sarah, we all have to compromise with life—even you with your single-hearted love for your home will have to learn that.
”

“
Dun Rury? I
’
ll never compromise over Dun Rury!
”

“
Won
’
t you? But you
’
re doing it already. Paying guests, allowing neglect to grow rather than sell.
”

“
D
o
you
think I ought to sell Dun Rury?
”
For the first time she asked him the question as though she would respect his answer.

“
I don
’
t know, Sarah,
”
he replied.
“
It
’
s not a matter on which I really have the right to advise you. But as an outsider I
can
see that a great deal is being sacrificed to your idol.
”

She looked startled.

“
What?
”
she asked.
“
I don
’
t expect Kathy or Aunt Em to do the dirty jobs. I do them myself.
”

“
I know you do. You work too hard, I think, and have too much responsibility on your shoulders, but that
’
s not quite what I meant. There are other things: Danny
’
s schooling—later, his start in life; Kathy
’
s natural desire for a little fun—she would have been much less introspective if she
’
d led a normal young girl
’
s life after she first left school, you know.
”

“
But there was no money for any of those things,
”
she cried
.

“
But there would have been a little if Dun Rury hadn
’
t swallowed it all,
”
he said with gentleness.

She left the rocking chair and went and stood by the window, leaning her forehead against the cold glass.

“
You think I
’
ve been selfish,
”
she said slowly.

He joined her at the window and put a hand on her
‘
shoulder.

“
No, not exactly,
”
he replied.
“
In small things I think Kathy is the selfish one—you
’
ve all been enslaved by beauty for so long, haven
’
t you? But you, Sarah, have the single-mindedness of the crusader, and I
’
ve often thought a good many innocent people have had to suffer through lost causes.
”

She looked up at his clear-cut profile, cold and momentarily grave in the hard winter light.

“
But Dun Rury is all I
’
ve got,
”
she said a little piteously.
“
My father would never have sold—never!
”

He looked down at her and touched her thin cheek with tender fingers.

“
No compromise?
”
he said, and felt her stiffen
b
eside him.

“
No compromise,
”
she said bleakly, and broke away from his restraining hand.

“
When do you think you
’
ll go to England?
”
she asked.

“
Early next week, as soon as I can get a passage booked.
”

“
How long do you think you
’
ll be gone?
”

“
It depends. There
’
s some research I want to do for my book, and my agent is anxious to discuss the question of a series of lectures for me later in the year. There
’
s still a certain amount I can do for music, apparently. Lectures, broadcast talks. They
’
ve been at me before but then I wasn
’
t ready to consider offers.
”

“
And now you are? Is that your particular compromise with life, Adrian?
”

“
Perhaps. One should be useful in some capacity, don
’
t you think?
”

“
I suppose so.
”

“
But you think it
’
s a poor substitute? So do I, but there
’
s little else left to do in that particular field.
”

“
Adrian
—”
She hesitated.
“
D
o
—do you mind less,
now?
”

“
Yes,
”
he replied gravely.
“
I think I do. At least I can regard the thing as a closed chapter and your own sane attitude was a great help, you know.
”

“
Me?
”

“
Yes, you.
”
He smiled down at her surprised face.
“
I wish I was able to talk the same good sense to you as you upon occasion talked to me. Perhaps one day I will. Now, my dear child, I think you
’
d better leave me to get on with the rest of this correspondence. Perhaps, tomorrow, you
’
d let me borrow the car and deal with booking agents in Knockferry? The sooner I
’
m off, the better in all the circumstances.
”

“
Of course. Adrian
”
—she paused at the door—
“
I
’
m sorry I slapped your face.
”

“
I
’
m glad to hear it, Miss Riordan. Don
’
t do it again or there may be trouble,
”
he said severely, and she grinned and shut the door gently behind her.

For the few days that remained before he went to England, Adrian kept as much as possible to the nursery.

He did not take Kathy
’
s attachment for him very seriously but he discouraged intimate chats and poetry readings from then on. Sometimes she looked at him with a puzzled, vaguely hurt expression, but she took his sudden decision to leave them for a while without undue concern. To Kathy, the dreams she built in her own imagination would always be more real to her than the reality. She was content to wait, to wait and dream and savor innocently the delights of anticipation.

Sarah drove Adrian into Knockferry to catch his train for Shannon Airport, and at the last she reached anxiously up to his carriage window.

“
You
’
ll come back, Adrian?
”
she said.
“
Promise you
’
ll come
back
.
”

“
I
’
ll come back,
”
he assured her.
“
Probably even before you
’
ve had time to mend those fences. It will only be for a few days. I
’
ll wire you the time of my return. Goodbye, and take care of yourself.
”

“
Goodbye, and God bless you,
”
she said as the train moved out of the station.

But he was away more than a few days. He wrote briefly to say that his business would take him at least a fortnight to settle and they were not to expect him back yet. Sarah sometimes wondered if he was deliberately stopping away on Kathy
’
s account. Her sister did not seem disappointed by the fact that he was extending his visit to England, but she herself missed him acutely. She knew a measure of the same feeling of emptiness she had experienced after her father died. The house seemed strange without him and too full of women.

“
I suppose,
”
she said to Nonie,
“
one misses a man about the house. It was the same after Father died—apart from grieving, I mean, there was a kind of emptiness.
”

“
Och, sure a house without a master is like an egg without salt,
”
the old woman agreed. She was ironing one of Danny
’
s shirts, and the kitchen was redolent with the odor of the hot iron and a tin of saffron buns baking in the oven.
“
Dun Rury
’
s lacked a head of the house too long.
”

“
Dun
Rury has me,
”
she said, watching Nonie
’
s toil-roughened hands fold the shirt in quick, neat creases
and
place it on
a
pile of others.

“
Sure, the place has you—like a rabbit in a snare, but
that
’
s not the same thing at all.
”

“
I don
’
t understand you, Nonie,
”
Sarah said.
“
I thought you loved Dun Rury as much as any of us.
”

“
An
’
so I do.
”
Nonie informed vigorously.
“
You were born here an
’
your father before you an
’
his father before him, an
’
if things had been different, maybe one day, Danny
’
s children would bawl their way into the world under this roof.
”