Therapy (37 page)

“Life can’t be divided into chapters...only minutes.”

—Colleen Hoover

One year later...

SITTING HERE IN front of a therapist for the first time in my adult life feels strange, but it’s necessary. Explaining everything that’s happened over the past year and a half to Dr. Brenner has actually felt refreshing. I know I work in the mental health field and all, but up until recently, I really didn’t think I had any reason to need to talk to anyone. Therapy was just something “those people” needed, but never me. I was above it all. What a load of shit that was. It took everything falling apart around me for me to realize that I needed some help. Today, my divorce will be final and the new reality of my life is going to take some getting used to.

“Wow, that is a lot,” Dr. Brenner says.

He’s a tall, lanky man with small, wiry glasses and a receding hairline. As he takes notes, he hunches forward over his desk. Though he scribbles in an almost frantic fashion, his demeanor and voice are quite calm. I’ve heard he’s the best in the area.

“I can see where you’d be overwhelmed and need someone to talk to. How are you feeling about what you have to face today?”

“Well, I want the divorce, so I’m glad that it’s going to be final today. Though I was looking forward to being a dad, it’s kind of a relief that Victoria lied about being pregnant. I haven’t cared for her in a long time and I can’t imagine raising a child with someone that I feel no emotional connection to.” I take a breath and go on. “What I’m having the hardest time with is finding out that our relationship was a complete sham from the very beginning.”

I lean forward and clasp my hands together, slightly dropping my head as I sigh.

“I loved my mother despite all the vindictive things she did. But now? I just can’t stop feeling angry with her. Finding out that she planted Victoria in my life after maneuvering Jess out of it...it’s more than I can take. I just keep looking back over my college years, even the time after college, and thinking about what a complete fool I was.”

“You weren’t a fool, Jace. You were a young man and a beautiful, strong-willed, intelligent woman came along—planted or not—into your life at a time when you were tremendously vulnerable. There was nothing wrong with that. Loving someone isn’t foolish. I know it taints the memory of the relationship, but it doesn’t make your part of it a lie.”

I do feel foolish. I feel like a dumbass. Dr. Brenner keeps talking, and though I want to believe his logic is correct, right now it’s just hard to wrap my mind around.

“You’ve expressed that you know you were never really in love with Victoria. Why did you allow the relationship to get to such a serious place if you knew you weren’t in love with her? Have you explored that at all?” he asks, and I wonder if my embarrassment is showing on my face the same way his curiosity shows on his.

Yeah, I’ve explored that. I’ve also explored what a coward I was to let Jessica leave my life so easily. It’s constantly in the back of my mind. But I don’t want to waste another minute thinking about anything having to do with Victoria. I’m so tired of beating myself up for all the mistakes I’ve made, all the chances I’ve missed.

“I have, and the answer is it just happened that way. She was comfortable and our relationship was easy. We had fun together. Eventually, we spent more and more time with one another and it became routine. The next natural step was getting engaged; it just seemed like the normal thing to do.”

I lean back, running a hand through my hair. Talking about all of this isn’t easy for me. I usually hold things in, or, even worse, completely ignore my own feelings. My whole life I’ve always kept it together and been the good guy that never fell apart. I’m the guy that fixes things. It was me that had to put Mom back together when Genevieve died. I figured it was my fault that she died, so I had to fix everything that her death affected. I needed to prove the best way I knew how that I could help make it better. I did the same thing when my dad passed away. With Jess, I was too late to save her from being beaten up by Elizabeth and her friends. I was too late to save her, but I could still help her, be her friend, and prevent it from happening again. I just wanted to help fix what had been broken inside her. But in the process, I fell in love with her. I realize now that I never learned how to find a balance between helping her and truly loving her. She needed someone to stand with her, not hold her up.

“Once the pain of losing Jess started to ebb, things gradually got easier and easier with Victoria. She always made a point to focus on trying to keep me happy and distracted from any kind of stressors. She was one of the most helpful people to me in college. I swear, sometimes I’m not sure if I would’ve passed some of those exams if it weren’t for the long nights of her grilling and studying with me.”

Dr. Brenner slides his glasses up the bridge of his nose as he continues to take notes with the other hand. He looks back to me periodically when he does this to make sure I know he’s paying attention.

“So, you did have good times with her,” he confirms in his easy tone. “You can’t just dismiss the entire relationship as a failure. You shouldn’t view yourself as an idiot just because your mother secretly orchestrated the two of you meeting. I think you should cut yourself some slack where this situation is concerned. What about the other woman? Jessica? Where is she now?”

Under my skin, inside my heart, and constantly on my mind.

I inhale deeply and the picture of the last time I saw Jess comes into my mind.

“Nowhere,” I say, and try to keep the disappointment out of my voice. “Like I told you, I haven’t heard from her in a year. I tried and tried contacting her, but she never responded. She’s on social media; I try and keep up with how she’s doing that way. But she doesn’t communicate with me directly. I’m pretty sure she never will.”

“She was in an inpatient unit with mental health concerns for a while, though, correct?” Dr. Brenner asks as he flips back in his notes.

“Yes, she was. I wrote her while she was there but, as I said, no response. She was there for three months. I do still hold out hope that one day I’ll connect with her again.”

Dr. Brenner glances at his watch then back to me.

“I think we’re off to a good start here. We’ve run over our hour quite a bit, but we can pick up right where we left off next time.” He smiles as he places his pen down. “Make sure to schedule next week’s session with Grace before you leave. And Jace,” he starts, “today will be fine,” he assures me. “We’ll talk all of it over next week. If you need anything before then, don’t hesitate to call.”

We both stand up and he makes his way around his desk to shake my hand.

“Thanks, Dr. Brenner, I really appreciate it. I’ll see you next session.”

Victoria glares at me from across the conference table as her attorney slides the documents over to me.

“You’re giving everything up. I hope you realize that. You’ll get nothing from your mother’s estate now,” she sneers, and I wonder if she remembers that we’ve been over this a million times. I sign my name on the dotted line and look back up at her.

“Yes, Victoria, I’m aware of that. Money isn’t worth staying in a marriage with someone who worked with my mother to manipulate me.” I can feel the muscles in my neck tense, but I’m doing all I can to keep my cool. “When I asked you about the pregnancy, you didn’t even flinch. You just happily went along with my mother’s ploy, just like you did from day one. The one thing I haven’t been able to figure out is what the hell was in it for you, Vic? The money? You have yours and your family’s money. Me? You’re way too into yourself to care about whether I’m beside you or not, so that’s not it.” I wait to see if she’ll finally give it up. No such luck. “Your lies have caught up with you, Vic. Screw you and screw the money. It isn’t worth living a lie.”

Her glare intensifies and her expression grows thunderous. I glance over at our lawyers who, surprisingly, look uncomfortable with the screwed-up situation. You’d think after all the divorces they’ve worked on they would’ve seen everything.

“Have it your way! I’ve been loyal to you. I’ve given you years of my life and you’re just throwing all of that away.” Her eyes narrow and her voice drops to a dangerous level. “If that tramp hadn’t walked into my office and back into your life, we’d be married and happy right now and you’d be none the wiser.”

I place the pen back onto the table and straighten my shoulders. She’s trying to goad me, but I refuse to fight with her anymore. Her persistence, her arguments, and her petty jealousy...all of it’s exhausting, she’s exhausting; I just want to move on with my life. It’s time to face my issues and start living for me. I’ve spent my days helping others and in the process, I’ve completely lost my sense of self. Looking back on my life, I’m ashamed by my constant need to appease people and mitigate situations. To the outside world, I appeared to be a confident, take-charge kind of guy, but I let those closest to me walk all over me. I know I have to face the fact that I allowed my mother to convince me that I couldn’t be my own man. Along the way, I lost a love that I’m pretty sure I’ll never find again. I should’ve fought harder for Jessica. I see that now. Only it’s too little, too late.

I slide the documents back over to Victoria’s attorney and, before the ink even dries, I feel better. My eyes meet hers and pure disgust is painted on her face. I know I don’t have to set the record straight, but I also know that these are some of the last words I’ll ever say to Victoria. Might as well make the best of them.

“Jessica has nothing to with this. You are who you are. Just because I never saw it before doesn’t change that I see it now. You’re self-serving and self-righteous and I never really loved you. I couldn’t, because you never really loved me. Love isn’t selfish, ever. Love gives, love forgives, love empathizes, love has no conditions and it always remains constant through the ups and downs. You and I were never in love. I’ve been in love once in my life and until I find that kind of love again, I’m not going to fool myself with a cheap imitation. Just accept this for what it is. Move on. If you can, find real love with someone that will love you in return. One day, you’ll thank me for this.”

She shoots up out of her seat, throws her Chanel bag over her shoulder, and stomps toward the door, leaving me with a few choice words.

“Screw you, Jace Collins. I hope you’re miserable for the rest of your life,” she shouts. “One day, you’ll be begging me to come back to you.”

The door slams behind her and it’s done. Finally. I’m officially divorced and prepared to start over. I’ve taken the last month off to try and figure my life out and my new practice, back in Jenson, opens next week. My new house on the lake is small and quaint and it suits me just fine.

My lawyer interrupts my internal musings. “It may not seem like it right now, but you dodged a bullet with that one, son,” he says as he stands to put the paperwork in his briefcase. On the other side of the table, Victoria’s lawyer meets my eyes. Though he can’t comment, he just nods quickly in agreement before grabbing his coat and briefcase and leaving the room.