These Are the Moments (28 page)

Chapter 73

The Wedding

The sun finally fell behind the horizon, and the white twinkle lights trailed into life. Owen and Vivian danced, cut the cake and took pictures.

Reese walked up with two glasses of champagne. “Fuck, she’s married.”

“Thanks,” Wendy said, reaching for a glass.

“Who said one of these was for you?”

“Right. Open bar.”

Claudia and Wendy started for the bar. “Has he said anything to you? About last night?”

“No, and I don’t expect him to,” Wendy said.

Simon was on the dance floor with his sister. He whispered to her as he spun her in and out from him.

The reception on the beach was more beautiful than Wendy had pictured. There was a soft glow from the moon over the sand, making it a tinted blue, cool and pretty. The pretty spires with flowing white fabric danced in the breeze. The band played on a makeshift stage, playing anything and everything Vivian wanted to hear.

Wendy had cried, of course. Soft tears that she could sweep away with her finger.

And Vivian was married. Forever and ever.

Dear God
, Wendy found herself thinking.
Even if this is the only good thing that came from Simon and me, I can live with that. Mom says you make things new. I’m ready for new.

“You should tell him what you think,” Claudia was saying now, “before it’s too late. Before you get the hell out of here. You need an ending, one way or another.”

Ending.

Wendy would really like one of those.

“He’s so damaged,” Wendy said, “even if I wanted anything—”

“Do you want anything?”

That was the question, wasn’t it?

She used to tell herself that if it was supposed to end with them, she wouldn’t feel anything anymore. And that had worked. For a while. But Simon understood her. He supported her, encouraged her and loved her to the maximum level of his ability.

“I want to tell him that I don’t want him to come back this time.”

“Good,” Claudia said warily, “but only if you really mean it.”

She did.

Or she had to.

Reese circled her way around the dance floor with a guy who had black-rimmed glasses and a sheepish smile. She waved to Wendy. She looked happy.

What was the harm in having an honest conversation with Simon? After tonight, he’d sift through her fingers again like the sand under her feet. She had to say whatever it was she felt like saying.

There was just so much.

She took two glasses of champagne and turned to Claudia. “I’m scared. That’s stupid, right?”

“No,” Claudia said, resting her hands on Wendy’s shoulders. “Being afraid is never stupid. Not acting is the stupid part.”

“Okay,” Wendy said.

Deep breath.

“Okay,” Claudia echoed. “Go get him. Or not.”

Walking up to Simon felt like she was dragging the years at her ankles.

One step, he fell in love with her.

Two steps, he left her.

Three steps, he came back again.

She felt everything and nothing all at once. And if she kept feeling all of that everything, she would never be able to get through this.

His back was to her, as he talked to Owen’s grandfather. She reached for the back of his shoulder.

“Can we talk?” she asked him.

Questions glazed in his eyes. “Sure.”

Wendy walked away from the tent, away from the lights, away from all the people. And she didn’t say anything until she was half a mile away, just her and Simon, just the moon and the beach and the stars.

“What’s up?” he asked her, kicking at sand.

“Why did you kiss me?”

Okay
, she thought,
not a bad place to begin.

He sighed, deep and hollow. “I knew you were going to ask me that.”

“Yes,” she said. “So, why?”

“It’s called alcohol, Wendy.”

She shook her head. “No, you don’t get to play the drunk card. You used that one up at the bachelor party. And Reese’s birthday. You’re going to have to give me an actual reason.”

“You want honesty?”

She felt a weight settle on her chest. She wasn’t going to like his answer. “Yes.”

“Obviously, I’m still attracted to you. Of course, there’s a history. But that’s all that it was. Attraction. I don’t . . .
love
you anymore.”

He couldn’t say it her face. He couldn’t even say it with a clear voice. It was muffled and shaky, like he was saying it all from under water. And she didn’t believe him. Not for a single second.

“Bullshit,” she said. “You cold, son-of-a-bitch.”

“You wanted honesty.”

Air was hard to come by. Air, nose, lungs. All she wanted to do was hurt him.

“I shouldn’t have said no,” she said.

Silence.

Neither of them were expecting that one.

“That’s what this is all about, right? You can’t trust me, because you feel like I left you. When you asked me if I could see us married, I should have told you yes. If I had, well, chances are that would be us over there. I get it. I’m the enemy.”

He rounded his shoulders back. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“It does to me,” she said, louder. “You blame me. Well, guess what? I blame you. I blame you for not forgiving me. I blame you for walking away every damn time something goes wrong. I blame you for demolishing me at every chance you get.”

She gripped at her hips, steadying herself.

“But God, Simon. If I could be with you now, if we could be how we were, there’s not a chance in hell that I’d say no.”

More silence.

More waves.

More years ahead of nothing and wanting and missing.

This would not change anything, because this never had.

“Simon,” she said softly, “I don’t just love you. I chose you. I decided. Remember? We decided. I won’t forget that. And if you want tomorrow to come as tomorrow always does, apart and alone, then I’m completely okay with that. I’m not a stranger to getting over you. But if it doesn’t . . . if you want to make plans with me . . . then make a Goddamned move already.”

And this time, Wendy walked away first.

Chapter 74

After the Wedding

“Heads, I stay. Tails, I go.”

With Mom and Dad out of town, Wendy let Claudia have a beer. Just one. That turned into another one. And soon, Wendy had cracked open a bottle of wine.

They sat cross-legged together on the carpet in the living room for a while, huddled over a deck of cards like they used to do when they were little, playing a marathon of rummy.

“You can’t leave your fate up to a coin,” Claudia said, shuffling. “At least turn it into a bet or something.”

“Pro/con list?”

Claudia nodded. “Pro/con list.”

“Pros for staying: money. I could tell Donald I want the promotion after all.”

“Security,” Claudia said, laying down an ace.

“That’s kind of the same thing, isn’t it?”

“Okay, smart ass. Routine? A set plan? A new bullet point to your resume?”

Wendy shrugged. “Sure, why not. Cons?”

“You’ll never leave this town. You’ll never meet anyone new. You’ll live with Mom and Dad until you replace them with a horde of cats.”

“Those are pretty substantial cons.”

“I’m not finished,” Claudia said, carefully perusing her hand. “You’ll never paint because you’ll never have time. You’ll never feel any sense of purpose because you don’t give a shit about law. You’ll never travel. Anywhere. And when you die, all they’ll say about you is, ‘She led a comfortable, modest life and never did anything crazy or careless. Ever.’”

“Harsh,” Wendy winced, grabbing for her hand of cards. “No more me talk. What about you? What’s your life plan?”

Claudia twirled her hair into a rope and settled it on top of her head. “I don’t have one.”

“College?”

“I think decided on LSU.”

Wendy felt a sense of pride. “Really? When did that happen?”

Claudia shrugged. “Probably when Casey and I got back together.”

“When
what?
”

It was true that Claudia had been noticeably happier lately. Since the wedding, she’d stopped drinking so much, and started spending more time studying. Everything about her seemed lighter and more assured, like she’d found a direction again.

“I figured out that it was stupid of me to break up with him for something that
might
happen,” she said. “I was scared. But, I’m not anymore.”

Wendy loosened the hold on her throat. “Claud, that’s amazing. I’m so happy for you.”

“Thanks,” Claudia said. “I would have told you earlier, but I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Hurt me?”

“Yeah, I mean, he hasn’t called.”

And Wendy hadn’t expected him to. She’d said those things to him on the beach for her own sake. So that she could know, with utmost certainty, that she’d done absolutely everything in her power to make it work.

It wasn’t the first time.

After their break-up in college, just a few days beyond the horrible screaming match, she’d made up her mind. He’d already moved into his new life in New Orleans, but she asked if she could see him, and he agreed.

She apologized. She told him that even though she wasn’t ready for that huge of a commitment, she could work it out. She would find a way to fit their lives together again.

“Wendy,” he’d told her, “I asked you to share your life with me. And granted, maybe it was premature, and maybe I didn’t do it the right way, but there it was. Your reaction . . . well, it about nearly killed me. And when I told you to give me time to get over it, you wouldn’t.

“I can’t forgive you. So please, stop asking me to.”

That had been the end of it.

“I’m fine,” she told Claudia. “I’m really, actually fine.”

“Good,” Claudia said, “because I think you should go.”

Wendy imagined Italy again, new and exciting and different.

“You’re right,” Wendy said, sighing, flipping the coin in her hands. “You’re absolutely right.”

That night, they rested on the couch, watching a movie. Wendy whispered, “Claud?”

“Yes?” she whispered back.

“Does this mean we don’t have to fork Casey’s yard?”

Claudia laughed from beneath the blanket. “The jury’s out.”

Chapter 75

Graduation Day

Her packed bag weighed her down. Lugging it to the car, she eyed Claudia applying mascara to each individual lash. Behind her sister, the white gown swayed beneath the ceiling fan.

Claudia looked over to her, but didn’t say anything. They didn’t need to. So Wendy smiled her
isn’t this exciting
smile, and chucked the bag in the car.

The plane ticket burned in her pocket.

Only half a day and a flight away, she would start her life. No, that wasn’t right.
Restart
her life.

The kitchen counter was lined in gift bags with tissue paper spewing from the top. Purple and gold. LSU colors. And Wendy was alone, listening to the sounds of the house. The icemaker whirring, the creak of Claudia’s steps overhead, Mom’s blow dryer in the next room.

There was so much to miss here.

Ten minutes later, Claudia clicked down the stairs in her too-high heels, her hair teased to perfection, her makeup matted to her skin. The white, baggy gown made her look like a poorly costumed angel in a school play. But still, she was beautiful.

“Claud, you look—”

“Yeah, okay, gotta go!” And then she sped out the front door, hopping into Casey’s truck.

Wendy went for one last look around her room, just in case. She’d left parts of her behind. Old yearbooks. High school T-shirts. Things she didn’t want to carry around with her.

Memories were stationary. While everything else propelled forward, while she hitched her life up around her waist, they stayed still. She couldn’t take them with her. She couldn’t move the past.

“Let’s go, Wend!” Dad bellowed up the stairs.

One tear. She let herself have one tear before she shut off the light and closed the bedroom door.

The graduation ceremony was sweltering hot. A hundred hands fanned a hundred faces with programs as girls in white dresses and ill-fitted caps sauntered to their futures. There was a valedictorian. She talked about promise and potential and used hopeful words with a pretty, confident voice.

They called Claudia’s name. And she walked with grace, not slouching, not slumping, looking like she actually knew what that moment meant.

How often can you say that? How often did you get to appreciate a moment for how important it was, right there, right then?

She let the diploma fall into her hand. She smiled and looked out to the crowd. And when Wendy met her eyes, she didn’t know how to be prouder. It was impossible.

At the end, all the girls threw their caps into the air. The white caps rained down and everyone cheered. Three hours. Only three hours to go.

“You did it!” Mom cheered as she whipped her arms around Claudia.

“Yes, and now I may throw up.”

Mom withdrew. “Oh, sorry! I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it.”

“Didn’t think I’d make it this far, did you?” Claudia teased.

“How about you shut up and say thank you,” Wendy said.

Claudia tilted her head. “Thanks, Mom.”

“Proud of you, kiddo,” Dad said, wrapping Claudia up in his big dad hug, the best kind that make you feel five.

Claudia’s tiny hands connected around his back. “Thank you.”

Mom glanced at her watch. “Shoot. We need to get you to the airport.”

Wendy nodded.

Claudia’s face softened, and her lip quivered a little. “I’m coming.”

“You are?” Dad asked. “But the party—”

“I don’t care. I’ll go later.”

The four of them drove to the airport. Claudia controlled the music, playing songs that made them laugh. Songs that made everything easier. Wendy tried not to see Mom fighting back tears, gripping onto her seatbelt to hold them in. She tried not to cry herself when Claudia slipped her baby fingers through hers. And they stayed that way all the way up to the terminal.

The airport wasn’t busy. There were people, but no one rushed and no one was shoved.

“Okay,” Wendy said, in front of security, passport in hand, “I should head in.”

“Okay,” Dad said.

“Okay,” Mom repeated.

Claudia smiled. “Go paint the hell out of Rome.”

Mom didn’t even flinch. She hugged Wendy, tight and shaky. “I love you, little girl. Call me when you land. Be safe.”

Wendy cried. She couldn’t help it.

Dad hugged her, too. The same way he’d hugged Claudia. Like she was five and could slip right back to being small and taken care of. “Love you. Proud of you.”

Wendy held onto Claudia the longest.

“I’ll see you when I see you,” Claudia said.

“Love you, little sister.”

When Wendy passed through security, she watched them walk away from the other side, smiling, crying, and remembering that those three people were the most important people in her whole life. Then. Now. Always. As the planes roared overhead, Wendy finally made herself move forward.