THIEF: Part 5 (3 page)

              “I’m coming, Erin,” he manages, breathless.

              “Fill me up, Silas,” I gasp.The peaks of our orgasms hit simultaneously; we freeze, unable to move or speak as our bodies take control, as the pleasure reaches its height and washes over us.At the descent, we start to make noises, moans and half-words, the beginnings of each other’s names, that we can’t control, either.I put my hand over Silas’s mouth, and he clasps his hand over mine.

              Finally, it’s over, our bodies trembling with the aftershocks.I lie down beside him, one of the thick summer drapes pulled across us.

              “I love you, Erin,” he says, stroking my hair as my head rests on his chest.His heartbeat is loud and strong in my ear, as grounding as his voice and touch.I know it’s wrong to feel this way about him, to wish I could lie here with him forever.It’s all wrong—lying to Alex to sneak off with Silas, bringing him up here.Letting him kiss me...kissing him back.Everything, from the moment he arrived.But for some reason, I can't bring myself to fully regret any of it.

              “I love you, too,” I whisper.For now, at least, I push my thoughts of Alex, any thoughts of right or wrong, away.All I want to focus on is Silas, the steady strength of his heart.

              Silas traces my collarbone again, my ribcage.“You look so different,” he says.His voice sounds strangled.“So…sick.”

              “I’m not,” I snap, suddenly annoyed.“I told you, I just finished treatment.Of course I look different.”

              “Erin, relax.I know this isn’t the real you.It’s just…hard for me to see you like this, that’s all.”

              I wait for him to add something, backtrack a little, but he doesn’t.

              “Alex says I’m beautiful,” I challenge, pulling away.“He doesn’t care what I look like.”

              “Jesus Christ, really?Are you serious right now?”Silas grabs my elbow, so bony in his hand, and pulls me back to him.“Obviously I don’t care, either, Erin.I just spent the better part of an hour fucking you.”He pauses, taking a breath.“Look, I just meant…I was just being honest.I’m sorry, but it’s true.You look sick.Or like you just finished being sick, you know?But it doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

              “Fine.Let’s just drop it.”

              “Sounds good to me,” he sighs.

              We lie there a little longer, but all I can think about now is Alex, waiting for me downstairs.Maybe looking for me, sending Fiona or Aunt Jane into the bathrooms all over the mansion to find me.

              I try to decide what I like better: Alex’s kindness, whether it’s totally genuine or not, or Silas’s complete and absolute honesty, even if it makes me feel like shit in the moment.It’s not an easy call.

              “Guess you have to get back downstairs, huh?” he whispers, sounding sullen.

              “Guess so.”

              We help each other get dressed.I fix my hair as best I can, in the reflection of a silver tea tray Silas finds under the window.He holds it like a mirror, while I push bobby pins and loose hairs back into place.

              “Thank you,” he says, suddenly.When I give him a confused glance, he adds, “For letting me explain myself.For…for not just sending me on my way, no chance to see you or anything.Honestly, that—that might’ve killed me.Having to see you with him and never knowing if you still…”Silas looks away, his voice trailing.

              I glance at the floor, nodding.“I do still love you, Silas.And I’m glad we could talk.Like I said, I don’t know if I’ll forgive you or not.But at least there’s a chance now.”I look at him.“Now that I understand.Kind of.”

              “If you had a kid of your own,” he says, gravely, “you’d understand.”

              We’re silent a minute, studying each other, when a knock pounds on the door.

              “Erin?You in here?”

              I hold a finger to both our lips, shaking my head.We stay perfectly frozen and quiet, until finally, Fiona’s footsteps creak down the stairs.I hear her shout, “Not up here,” to Alex, down in the foyer.

              “They’re probably worried about you,” he says against my finger.I pull it away, nodding, and look for my shoes.The heel of one is in the puddle we made.The one Silas brought out of me, from a place I didn't even know existed and still don't fully understand, like so much else.

              “I’ll wait here,” he says, “’til everyone leaves.”He sits on the trunk, lacing up his boots with rigid, jerky motions.“I don’t want to get you in trouble or anything.Promise.Honestly, I…I didn’t plan on any of this happening.”

              “Me neither,” I sigh, tucking my hair behind my ear.I slip my heels back on, listening for any steps outside.The hall’s empty.

              “Bye, Erin,” he whispers, as I open the door and slip outside.

              I take one final look at Silas, remembering the last time I did this—the last time I shut a door on him: his expression resigned but with a single spark, knowing I would leave, but hoping against every odd that I might keep the door open.That I might invite him through it, into my life again.

              “Bye, Silas.”I keep my eyes on his as the door shuts, latching into place and closing us off, all over again.Just like last time, I realize, we don’t even kiss goodbye.

              “There you are!The reception’s been over for half an hour.Where were you?”

              Alex looks half-worried, half-pissed.Without thinking, I say the one thing I know he won’t get angry about.

              “I…I feel kind of sick.”

              His face softens immediately, then moves to complete worry.“Are you okay?Should we go to the hospital?Dr. Brody’s number is in my phone—”

              “No…no, I’ll be okay.”I feign lightheadedness, then rub my back, as though my kidneys are sore.“I think I just need to get to bed.”

              He nods, in full caretaker mode.It’s a role he’s used to, probably more than being my actual boyfriend.Maybe that’s why sex with Silas is so different, so…primal.He never had to be anything else for me
but
a boyfriend.

              I walk to the spot under the stairs behind me as Alex heads to the coatroom for our things.No one on the landing, peering down at me as I look up.No footsteps.Not even a door creaking, checking for clear coasts.True to his word, Silas is waiting for a quick and quiet getaway.The door won’t open until Alex and I are long gone.

              “Here, babe.”

              I blink, coming back to the moment as Alex helps me into my peacoat.He layers his on top of my shoulders, the wool thick and heavy, smelling of cologne.

              “You’ll be cold,” I protest.

              “I’ll be fine,” he smiles, and kisses my cheek.“It’s you I’m worried about.”

              Not for the first time, guilt flares in my stomach.I think about telling him, right here, right now.
I slept with Silas.
Done.

              Except, it wouldn’t be done.I’d have to explain everything and watch the pain on his face as I did it.I’d have to lose him, on a night when I’ve gained so much.

              He doesn’t deserve that.
You don’t deserve him
, I tell myself.

              Before we leave, I look up through the center of the staircase one last time.Nothing—no hand on the railing, hesitating, no face looking back into mine.Just the ceiling of the mansion, swirling and so far away.

              When we get to the hotel, I’m grateful for my lie in a twisted way; Alex doesn’t even mention sex tonight, immediately undressing me and tucking me into the plush bed.He puts on a movie, undresses, and climbs in after bringing me a bottled water from the mini-bar.

              “Feel better?” he asks, watching me take a sip.

              I nod.“I’m sorry we couldn’t…you know.‘Tear up the hotel room.’”

              He laughs as I quote his words from earlier, before Jane’s wedding.“It’s totally fine.I just want to make sure you’re all right.”

              “I will be.”

              He smiles again, turning his attention to the movie.It’s late, almost three a.m., and he falls asleep quickly.I’m still wide-awake when the credits start rolling.My heartbeat won’t slow down, a combination of exhaustion, guilt, and every other emotion Silas has brought to the surface with his surprise return, if only for a night.

             
You shouldn’t have slept with him, pure and simple
, one part of my brain chastises.
He’s brought you nothing but pain.

             
But he didn’t mean to
, the other part reasons.
He did it for his daughter.That means something.That’s everything.

             
Plenty of people get their kids surgeries without resorting to theft and framing.And he didn’t have to frame you.He could have gotten a normal job and saved for it.

             
If it were my kid…what would I have done?

              I shake my head at myself and turn off the lamp.The television sends a gray glow across Alex, his breathing soft and even.I study his face carefully, as though somehow, it’ll help my conflicted feelings.All it does is make me feel guiltier.He’s been so good to me, through everything, and here he is, sleeping peacefully.He has no idea what I’ve just done.

              My fingertips are cold as I reach under the blanket, into my panties.Silas’s ejaculate is still dripping out of me, and I wonder how much, if any, of Alex’s is still there.

              I wonder where Silas is right now: still in the mansion, planning his trace-free escape?Picking up his daughter, so they can travel at night with fewer risks of getting caught?

              In a seedy motel right now, jerking off and thinking of me?

              The thought of this—imagining his ropey muscles slick from the shower, his rugged hands stroking his cock, rock-hard, until he finally explodes and comes all over himself, his milk hot and thick, as he quietly moans my name—makes me hungry for him again, almost insatiable.I quickly rub my clit and bring myself to orgasm, sharp and fast, and a small cry of pleasure escapes my lips.My hips thrust upwards, involuntarily; the bedsprings squeak and the mattress shakes a little as my legs tremble.

              “What’s wrong?”Alex lifts his head at my outburst, rubbing his face with the back of his hand.“Are you okay?”

              I nod.My pussy’s still pulsing, muscles tightened and head swimming from the sudden euphoria.“I, uh…just had a foot cramp.Those stupid heels all day.”

              Alex is half-asleep, nodding.He mumbles something, and only the upward inflection at the end tells me it’s a question of some kind.

              “I’m fine,” I tell him.“Go back to sleep.”

              He face-plants into his pillow, probably unaware of the conversation at all.

             
Great
, I think,
now I feel guilty just masturbating.

             
Well, you should.You’re doing it while you think about your ex masturbating.That’s not what people in healthy relationships do.

              If my two selves were real, separate people, I’d slap them both right now.All I want, at least for tonight, is to sleep.No guilt, no rationalization, no ex, no boyfriend.But I can’t shut off my thoughts, no matter how hard I try.

              I grab my phone from the nightstand and text Fiona.
Did something really stupid tonight.Like…the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.But I’m not a hundred percent sure it was that bad.Which makes it worse.

              Hitting Send, I chew my cheek and squint at the bright screen.She probably won’t write back tonight; she and her new boyfriend have a hotel room across the street, so she’s either asleep or having sex.I’m jealous of her either way.

              But, a few seconds later, I get a response.
Tell me everything.

              My thumbs hover over the letters, trying to figure out how I can possibly explain this without sounding heartless.In the end, I decide, there’s no right way.I just have to say it.

             
I slept with Silas
.

              The pause that follows is only eight minutes, but it’s the longest of my life so far.I’m about to erase the thread and go to sleep, when a new message hits the Inbox.

             
Meet me in your lobby
, she says.
I’m on my way now.

“So when you say ‘slept with,’ you mean….”

              I sigh, setting my paper cup of green tea down on the table between us.Fiona keeps trying to find some kind of bright side or loophole to this, despite my insistence that there isn’t one.“I mean we had sex, Fiona.We kissed, he…did things to me…we slept together.Black-and-white facts.”I run my hands through my hair, pulling loose bobby pins out and stacking them like firewood on the table.“Obviously, I feel, like...insanely guilty about it.As in, this guilt is literally going to drive me insane, I think.”

              Fiona glances around the lobby, deserted except for us, an on-call businessman in the breakfast area, and a bored receptionist playing on his cell phone.“You said you’re not totally sure it was that bad, though.So I was thinking, okay, maybe it wasn’t like…I don’t know, real sex.”

              “What’s ‘real sex,’ exactly?”

              She shrugs.“Sex-sex.Like…not that kissing or giving head aren’t cheating, they are—just saying, they aren’t as bad.In my book.”

              “Well.I did the bad one.We basically did it all.”I take another sip of tea, scalding my lips.“I know saying it was the ‘heat of the moment’ is totally lame, and it doesn’t justify what I did…but that’s exactly how it was.Seeing Silas again, it’s just—It brought up a lot for me.Stuff I’d thought I was moving past, because I was with Alex.”I correct myself.“Am with Alex.”

              “Do you love him?”

              “Which one?”

              “Either, I guess.”

              “Yeah.”

              She waits.

              “Both,” I elaborate.“I love both of them.It’s like, with Alex, I feel this complete security, you know?I could see myself with him for a really long time.Maybe forever, not that I’m thinking that far ahead.Just saying, he’s got serious potential.And he’s sweet, cute, funny…He takes care of me.”

              Fiona nods, and her silent support makes me wonder what the hell I’d do without her.We only met a few months ago, when her dad and Aunt Jane were still planning their wedding, but our friendship feels a lot older because of this: no judgment, no matter what.

              “And with Silas…”I pause, shaking my head.“I don’t feel security at all.I used to feel this intense trust, like he completely understood me, and I could tell him anything.Even though that’s not there anymore, I remember how it felt, and in the moment it was like…that was all my brain wanted to remember.”I take another sip of tea.“And he’s also cute and funny.Not so sweet, all the time, though.”

              “And he lied to you.”

              “And that.”

              “And,” she adds, widening her eyes, “even if you weren’t with Alex, it’s not like you could be with Silas, since he’ll probably be in prison for a really long time after all this is over.”

              I nod.“That too.”

              “Off the record,” she says, and holds up her hand, smirking, “can I ask, which one’s better?At fucking, I mean.”

              I laugh, rubbing my face.“Jesus, Fiona.”

              “What?I’m just curious.Besides, you’ve got a rare opportunity to compare them side-by-side: you slept with both in the same day, so you know you’ll be objective—it’s not like you’ll glamorize Silas’s just because it’s a fond memory.”

              “I don’t know.”I tip my head back against a pillar behind my chair.“They’re both really good.Like seriously, my top two for sure.Alex is really sweet, and kind of reserved, so it’s fun.You know, when I can convince him to try something new.And he prefers for me to take the lead, which I like.”

              Fiona sips her tea extra daintily, speaking from behind the cup.“And Silas?”

              “He’s…a machine.”We both laugh at this, and for a moment I feel like we’re just gossiping, having fun, instead of discussing my stupid mistake.Worse than a stupid mistake.“He’s got this raw, animal instinct thing about him…he likes to take charge, and even though that’s not my style…that’s kind of the best part.”I shake my head.“This sounds cliché or something, but he really makes me feel things I’ve never felt before.”I think about earlier—
Watch
, he’d ordered, and made me look as his fingers worked against my G-spot and made me squirt, again and again and again.The way he counted my orgasms, everyone a challenge and trophy for him, how he prided himself on my pleasure.

              “This is going to sound weird,” I warn her, “but I think Silas…kind of got off on the fact Alex and I had just had sex a few hours before that.I mean, one second, I’d think it hurt him, made him feel sad or jealous or something, and then the next…he was asking me to tell him about it.Describe what Alex did to me, and stuff.”

              Fiona raises her eyebrows.“That is weird,” she agrees, “but it’s really fucking hot, in a twisted way.”

              We laugh again.“See?” I ask her.“That’s how sex with Silas is: kind of twisted, totally new to me, but…completely amazing.With Alex, it’s all technically correct, and it’s fun, and he does make me feel incredible most of the time.Like I said, sex with him is definitely up in the top two.”I take a breath.“But it’s not how it was with Silas.”

              “Makes sense,” Fiona says thoughtfully.“Your relationship with Silas was so different—it makes sense the sex would be, too.Actually, the same stuff that caused the problems is probably why the sex was so good.Passion, secrecy.All that.”

              “Maybe.”I rest my elbow on the armrest, my chin in my hand.“What’s weird, though, is that I feel guilty and know I shouldn’t have done it…but at the same time, I wouldn’t undo it.And that just makes me feel guiltier.”

              “I think you just wanted closure,” she says.“Your relationship with Silas ended so suddenly.What did you tell me?That, like, in one afternoon, you found out he had a daughter, that he’d accidentally burned her, and that he framed you?And then he left.All those punches to the gut, all at once—and to top it off, you never got a goodbye.”

              I nod.“That’s true.So you think it’s okay?”

              “I didn’t say that.”She grows serious, though not unkind.“Look, Erin—I’ve been cheated on, you know that.It’s a really shitty feeling.Like, one of the worst feelings in the world.”

              I blanche, thinking of Alex, but she holds up a finger and continues.

              “I think you’ve got two options here.One: if you’re going to tell Alex, tell him now.Like right this minute, or tomorrow, and let the chips fall where they may.”She pauses, letting this sink in.“Or, two: you never speak a word of this ever again.”

              “Why are those my only two choices?”I don’t feel anywhere near prepared to tell him now, or even tomorrow, and yet the thought of holding this secret forever churns my stomach.

              “Because the longer you wait to tell him, the more it’s going to hurt.The more trust you’ll break.”She motions vaguely to the wall, indicating the distant future.“I mean, do you really want to tell him this terrible secret when he’s down on one knee, proposing someday?”

              “Don’t say that.”

              “I have to.Because it’s reality.The longer you wait, the worse it will be.So if you’re going to tell him, it’s got to be as fast as possible.Rip off the Band-Aid and just let whatever’s meant to happen, happen.And if you plan on not telling him, then just know it’s probably going to have to be forever.”

              “Do you think…”I exhale sharply.“I mean, would that be…bad?”

              “To hide it forever?”

              I nod.

              “Yes and no.”Fiona hands me another cookie, set out periodically for guests checking in or out, and bites into one herself, chewing as she speaks.“It’d be bad because…well, you’d have this secret, and if you aren’t careful, you might have to create all these other ones to cover it up.It kind of sets a precedent.”She swallows, taking a gulp of tea, now tepid.“But it’s not that bad in a way, because now that you’ve got closure, you can fully invest in the relationship with Alex.Which might not have happened, if Silas hadn’t shown up.”

              “That kind of actually makes sense.”I slump in my chair.“The only problem is how guilty I feel right now. Closure or not.” I glance up at her pointedly. “Just like, with your ex, being gay or not…it’s still cheating.”

              Fiona nods, sucking some chocolate chips off her teeth.“Don’t I know it.”

              “Guess I’ll decide in the morning,” I sigh, and glance to my left, where a wall of windows reveals the tiniest bit of sunlight, coming over the horizon.“Well—later today, technically.”

              “Maybe it won’t be as bad as you think,” Fiona offers, but even before I shoot her a look, her face tells me she doesn’t really believe it, either.

All day, I try to tell Alex what happened.

             
So last night, when I disappeared, I wasn’t really sick….

              I have to tell you something, and it’s really bad, so brace yourself….

              Remember how you made me promise to tell you if I still had feelings for my ex, after you and I got serious?

              None of them sound right; nothing can ease him into it or soften the blow.And just blurting it out, the way I did with Fiona, would be like a sledgehammer to his temple.I can’t bear to see it.

             
“Or two: you never speak a word of this again.”

              Keep it in forever.As the day drags on, our trip home full of false starts on my part, n
aï
ve smiles on his, that second option Fiona gave me seems easier and easier, at least compared to the truth.

              “I was thinking,” Alex says at dinner, squeezing my fingers, “maybe we could rent a car for the trip to see your dad.Make a vacation out of it, kind of.”When I don’t answer immediately, he blushes and adds, “Not literally, I mean, I know this is a serious occasion—”

              “That sounds good,” I interrupt, managing a smile.He reflects it back.Oblivious.