Thirteen Reasons Why (3 page)
Read Thirteen Reasons Why Online
Authors: Jay Asher
My stomach squeezes in on itself, ready to make me throw up if I let it. Nearby, a plastic bucket sits upside-down on a footstool. In two strides, if I need to, I can reach the handle and flip it over.
I hardly knew Hannah Baker. I mean, I wanted to. I wanted to know her more than I had the chance. Over the summer, we worked together at the movie theater. And not long ago, at a party, we made out. But we never had the chance to get closer. And not once did I take her for granted. Not once.
These tapes shouldn't be here. Not with me. It has to be a mistake.
Or a terrible joke.
I pull the trash can across the floor. Although I checked it once already, I check the wrapping again. A return address has got to be here somewhere. Maybe I'm just overlooking it.
Hannah Baker's suicide tapes are getting passed around. Someone made a copy and sent them to me as a joke. Tomorrow at school, someone will laugh when they see me, or they'll smirk and look away. And then I'll know.
And then? What will I do then?
I don't know.
I almost forgot. If you're on my list, you should've received a map.
I let the wrapping fall back in the trash.
I'm on the list.
A few weeks ago, just days before Hannah took the pills, someone slipped an envelope through the vent of my locker. The outside of the envelope said: SAVE THISâYOU'LL NEED IT in red felt-tip marker. Inside was a folded up map of the city. About a dozen red stars marked different areas around town.
In elementary school, we used those same chamber of commerce maps to learn about north, south, east, and west. Tiny blue numbers scattered around the map matched up with business names listed in the margins.
I kept Hannah's map in my backpack. I meant to show it around school to see if anyone else got one. To see if anyone knew what it meant. But over time, it slid beneath my textbooks and notebooks and I forgot all about it.
Till now.
Throughout the tapes, I'll be mentioning several spots around our beloved city for you to visit. I can't force you to go there, but if you'd like a little more insight, just head for the stars. Or, if you'd like, just throw the maps away and I'll never know.
As Hannah speaks through the dusty speakers, I feel the weight of my backpack pressing against my leg. Inside, crushed somewhere at the bottom, is her map.
Or maybe I will. I'm not actually sure how this whole dead thing works. Who knows, maybe I'm standing behind you right now.
I lean forward, propping my elbows on the workbench. I let my face fall into my hands and I slide my fingers back into unexpectedly damp hair.
I'm sorry. That wasn't fair.
Ready, Mr. Foley?
Justin Foley. A senior. He was Hannah's first kiss.
But why do I know that?
Justin, honey, you were my very first kiss. My very first hand to hold. But you were nothing more than an average guy. And I don't say that to be meanâI don't. There was just something about you that made me need to be your girlfriend. To this day I don't know exactly what that was. But it was there . . . and it was amazingly strong.
You don't know this, but two years ago when I was a freshman and you were a sophomore, I used to follow you around. For sixth period, I worked in the attendance office, so I knew every one of your classes. I even photocopied your schedule, which I'm sure I still have here somewhere. And when they go through my belongings, they'll probably toss it away thinking a freshman crush has no relevance. But does it?
For me, yes, it does. I went back as far as you to find an introduction to my story. And this really is where it begins.
So where am I on this list, among these stories? Second? Third? Does it get worse as it goes along? She said lucky number thirteen could take the tapes to hell.
When you reach the end of these tapes, Justin, I hope you'll understand your role in all of this. Because it may seem like a small role now, but it matters. In the end, everything matters.
Betrayal. It's one of the worst feelings.
I know you didn't mean to let me down. In fact, most of you listening probably had no idea what you were doingâwhat you were truly doing.
What was I doing, Hannah? Because I honestly have no idea. That night, if it's the night I'm thinking of, was just as strange for me as it was for you. Maybe more so, since I still have no idea what the hell happened.
Our first red star can be found at C-4. Take your finger over to C and drop it down to 4. That's right, like Battleship. When you're done with this tape, you should go there. We only lived in that house a short while, the summer before my freshman year, but it's where we lived when we first came to town.
And it's where I first saw you, Justin. Maybe you'll remember. You were in love with my friend Kat. School was still two months away, and Kat was the only person I knew because she lived right next door. She told me you were all over her the previous year. Not literally all over herâjust staring and accidentally bumping into her in the halls.
I mean, those were accidents, right?
Kat told me that at the end-of-school dance, you finally found the nerve to do more than stare and bump into her. The two of you danced every slow song together. And soon, she told me, she was going to let you kiss her. The very first kiss of her life. What an honor!
The stories must be bad. Really bad. That's the only reason the tapes are passing on from one person to the next. Out of fear.
Why would you want to mail out a bunch of tapes blaming you in a suicide? You wouldn't. But Hannah wants us, those of us on the list, to hear what she has to say. And we'll do what she says, passing the tapes on, if only to keep them away from people not on the list.
“The list.” It sounds like a secret club. An exclusive club.
And for some reason, I'm in it.
I wanted to see what you looked like, Justin, so we called you from my house and told you to come over. We called from my house because Kat didn't want you to know where she lived . . . well, not yet . . . even though her house was right next door.
You were playing ballâI don't know if it was basketball, baseball, or whatâbut you couldn't come over until later. So we waited.
Basketball. A lot of us played that summer, hoping to make JV as freshmen. Justin, only a sophomore, had a spot waiting for him on varsity. So a lot of us played ball with him in hopes of picking up skills over the summer. And some of us did.
While some of us, unfortunately, did not.
We sat in my front bay window, talking for hours, when all of a sudden you and one of your friendsâhi, Zach!âcame walking up the street.
Zach? Zach Dempsey? The only time I've seen Zach with Hannah, even momentarily, was the night I first met her.
Two streets meet in front of my old house like an upside-down
T
, so you were walking up the middle of the road toward us.
T
, so you were walking up the middle of the road toward us.
Wait. Wait. I need to think.
I pick at a speck of dry orange paint on the workbench. Why am I listening to this? I mean, why put myself through this? Why not just pop the tape out of the stereo and throw the entire box of them in the trash?
I swallow hard. Tears sting at the corners of my eyes.
Because it's Hannah's voice. A voice I thought I'd never hear again. I can't throw that away.
And because of the rules. I look at the shoebox hidden beneath the cloth diaper. Hannah said she made a copy of each of these tapes. But what if she didn't? Maybe if the tapes stop, if I don't pass them on, that's it. It's over. Nothing happens.
But what if there's something on these tapes that could hurt me? What if it's not a trick? Then a second set of tapes will be released. That's what she said. And everyone will hear what's on them.
The spot of paint flakes off like a scab.
Who's willing to test her bluff?
You stepped out of the gutter and planted one foot on the lawn. My dad had the sprinklers running all morning so the grass was wet and your foot slid forward, sending you into a split. Zach had been staring at the window, trying to get a better view of Kat's new friendâyours trulyâand he tripped over you, landing beside you on the curb.
You pushed him off and stood up. Then he stood up, and you both looked at each other, not sure of what to do. And your decision? You ran back down the street while Kat and I laughed like crazy in the window.
I remember that. Kat thought it was so funny. She told me about it at her going-away party that summer.
The party where I first saw Hannah Baker.
God. I thought she was so pretty. And new to this town, that's what really got me. Around the opposite sex, especially back then, my tongue twisted into knots even a Boy Scout would walk away from. But around her I could be the new and improved Clay Jensen, high school freshman.
Kat moved away before the start of school, and I fell in love with the boy she left behind. And it wasn't long until that boy started showing an interest in me. Which might have had something to do with the fact that I seemed to always be around.
We didn't share any classes, but our classrooms for periods one, four, and five were at least close to each other. Okay, so period five was a stretch, and sometimes I wouldn't get there until after you'd left, but periods one and four were at least in the same hall.
At Kat's party, everyone hung around the outside patio even though it was cold. It was probably the coldest night of the summer. And I, of course, forgot my jacket at home.
After a while, I managed to say hello. And a little while later, you managed to say it back. Then, one day, I walked by you without saying a word. I knew you couldn't handle that, and it led to our very first multiword conversation.
No, that's not right. I left my jacket at home because I wanted everyone to see my new shirt.
What an idiot I was.
“Hey!” you said. “Aren't you going to say hello?”
I smiled, took a breath, then turned around. “Why should I?”
“Because you always say hello.”
I asked why you thought you were such an expert on me. I said you probably didn't know anything about me.
At Kat's party, I bent down to tie my shoe during my first conversation with Hannah Baker. And I couldn't do it. I couldn't tie my stupid shoelace because my fingers were too numb from the cold.
To Hannah's credit, she offered to tie it for me. Of course, I wouldn't let her. Instead, I waited till Zach inserted himself into our awkward conversation before sneaking inside to thaw my fingers beneath running water.
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