This Burns My Heart (23 page)

“What is it?” she asked.

“When we spoke before, it was almost a year ago, and I said I was selling the land for three hundred
won
per
pyeong.
Because interest in the land has been so high, the prices have gone up since then. If you change your mind, I will understand.” He looked embarrassed as he said this.

“How much more?” Soo-Ja asked.

“Five hundred
won
per pyeong, and I’m selling a minimum of a thousand pyeong.”

Five hundred thousand
won.
And she had only 200,000.

Soo-Ja nodded silently. “I expected the price to be higher, with inflation and all, just not that much higher.”

Gi-yong looked directly at her. They both dropped the pretense that he was doing business with Min.

“You look like a good person, and I want you to be able to buy the land. But I have to think of myself and the other investors. I can’t make an exception for you.”

“You won’t have to. I may not have all the money right now, but I will. When do I have to put down my share by?”

Gi-yong sighed. “The end of the month.”

Soo-Ja tried to hide her hesitation. “I’ll have the money by the end of the month. Don’t sell my share of the land to anyone else.”

“I can’t hold them for very long.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll have the money. When I see you again, Mr. Im, I’ll have the payment and those acres of land will be mine.”

Soo-Ja could see in his eyes that he did not believe her, but the friendly smile on his lips told her that he’d do her the favor of waiting. As they parted, she decided to memorize the look of doubt on his face,
as she knew she would need that look to encourage her in the long, hard weeks ahead.

Since Soo-Ja and Min had moved to Seoul seven years earlier, they had watched as the city stubbornly rose from the ground, crushing the earth on its way up, with hundreds of new buildings built on slums and empty lots. Walking around the streets of downtown Seoul, Soo-Ja could see bulldozers and trucks digging through the hard soil every day, the landscape filled with scaffolding and brickwork. Thousands of new businesses and industries sprouted around the city, manufacturing goods that could be exported to rich countries. Rickshaws gave way to Kias, and streetcars surrendered to trains. President Chung Hee Park had been borrowing money heavily from the Americans and was using it to open factories, modernize shipyards, and build highways. Soo-Ja had not expected to see her country change so much in the course of less than a decade.

But, as Soo-Ja quickly realized, modernity seemed to require an endless amount of labor and sacrifice. Everyone around her appeared to be working sixty-hour weeks, from the factory assemblymen to the shoe shiners. Students like Hana, from first to twelfth grade, had to rise in the early morning and make their own breakfast before spending the entire day doing their rote memorizations and math exercises. No one spoke about happiness, or enjoying the day. Their entire lives they’d been taught to sacrifice, either for their parents or for their children, and now they were asked to extend those feelings to their bosses and their jobs. So they worked, and watched, as the buildings began to reach the sky, and money started to flow.

President Park ruled like a dictator, everyone knew. With the adoption of a new constitution—one that he drafted himself—he had made it impossible for anyone to remove him from office (or be dethroned, as some snickered). But he’d been effective in raising everyone’s standards of living, and his occasional show of populism—prosecuting corrupt businessmen, or replacing the straw roofs of rural homes with
cement—gladdened the hearts of the poor. Park had become his countrymen’s father and mother, and established capitalism as their new religion.

Soo-Ja worked twelve-hour days at the hotel, but she found nothing extraordinary in this, since everyone else worked similar hours. To be productive was to be honorable, and to raise capital was one’s duty. Confucianism had taught them to be dutiful, and capitalism had given them something to be dutiful to—the laws of economic prosperity. It didn’t matter what happened behind closed doors, in bedrooms, and in private—what tears were shed or desires suppressed. Feelings, emotions, aspirations—all that had to be set aside, as there were no individuals, only a collective will to succeed.

And Soo-Ja planned to be a part of that success. She rejected the notion of meoggo-salja; for her, it wasn’t enough just to “live and eat.” She wanted her family to reside in one of the impressive new gated houses being built in Seoul for the nouveaux riches sons and daughters of electronic export manufacturers. She wanted to buy her daughter clothes in the elegant ateliers and boutiques sprouting around the city, selling Paris-inspired fashions. And above all, Soo-Ja wanted the money to pay back her father. In her fantasies, Soo-Ja found some way of getting her father-in-law to return the money. But in reality, she knew that wasn’t likely, and that if she was to pay her father back, she’d have to earn the money herself. The land in Gangnam was the key.

Ever since they had moved to Seoul, Soo-Ja and Min had been supporting themselves by managing a hotel. As in most small businesses in Seoul, Soo-Ja lived with her family there as well, in two small rooms near the entrance. This work, which included demanding patrons and required long hours, did not pay very well, and Soo-Ja knew there was no future in it. What Soo-Ja liked even less was that the idea to do this had come from a friend of her father-in-law, and she hated being indebted to him for the introduction.

Soo-Ja also disliked the male customers who showed up late at night, without a reservation, in need of a room to sleep off the alcohol, or with a girl by their side, or both. Often, they’d ask her to send a girl to their
rooms. At first, Soo-Ja ignored the requests. But then women started to come on their own, asking if there were lonely men in the hotel. They did not wear fox furs or miniskirts. They did not curse or leer. They looked like ordinary women, some with children in tow. They were hungry, with tired eyes. Soo-Ja began to tell them what doors to knock on, and sometimes, she’d warn them about a particularly nasty guest.

When Soo-Ja listened on the radio to the President talking about his five-year plan to modernize the economy, and his lofty goal of turning what he called a “backward” country into a great superpower, Soo-Ja thought about these women. She wondered what their roles would be—the women abandoned by their husbands or disowned by their families. They reminded her of the rose of Sharon, the national flower of Korea. White with purple throats and hardy petals, it had been chosen for its ability to survive droughts, heat, and poor soil. They were lovely in bloom, though that required patience, as they tended to arrive late in the spring. Once they bloomed, however, they lasted all through summer, long after other flowers had perished.

When they returned to the hotel from their visit to Gangnam, Soo-Ja forgot her usual worries and, though she was still short on money, she felt a rush of excitement—like a child on the eve of summer break, the future looming warm and inviting. In fact, it was Hana who took her out of her reverie when she handed her a note. Soo-Ja was still taking off her coat and scarf when Hana’s soft fingers placed the folded-up paper on the counter. Min had gone inside to take his daily afternoon nap by then.

“What’s this?” Soo-Ja asked.

They were standing in the front desk area, where Soo-Ja spent most of her hours greeting guests. A modest affair, it featured a white wooden counter, some worn-out oak chairs, and a glass table with out-of-date magazines. In the far corner, some bamboo plants covered the back wall, and a bulletin board featured deals on tourist attractions and nearby restaurants. There wasn’t much space, and when guests came in from outside, they were almost immediately face to face with Soo-Ja.

“That man slipped it to me as we were leaving. He said to hand it to you when you were alone,” said Hana.

“You mean Gi-yong Im? The man we just met with?” Soo-Ja reached for the note and quickly opened it, intrigued.

I would consider giving you a break in the price if you went on a date with me. You’re very pretty, and your husband can wear a blindfold for now.

Soo-Ja stifled a curse word, amazed that he thought she’d agree to such a thing. She felt the bile rise, and the frustration, too. She hated that she couldn’t phone him and give him a piece of her mind, but she needed him more than he needed her. Trying to contain the humiliation she felt, Soo-Ja crumpled the paper into a small ball. She placed it in her pocket lest the hotel maid found it in the wastebasket or, God forbid, Min himself ran across it.

“Hana, you didn’t open this, did you?” Soo-Ja asked her daughter, trying to sound casual.

“No,” said Hana. “Why?”

“No reason. Now help your mother and tell Miss Hong to do another once-over in room 312. The woman who called to book it seemed very particular, and won’t appreciate a dirty room.”

“Oh, I know, I spoke to her,” said Hana. “She called again this morning. She couldn’t believe we don’t have showers in the hotel. What does she think the bathhouse across the street is for? And then she asked if she could have an extra room free, for her to leave her clothes. Sure, but are those clothes going to earn money by themselves and pay for their own room? Some
ukineon
women out there.”

“Hana, please don’t use that expression,” Soo-Ja said.

“But she
is
out of her mind! What is she thinking? And she asked if we have rats in the hotel! Can you imagine? What kind of a question is that?”

“Hana, go speak to Miss Hong, please.”

Hana made to leave, and she had her back to her mother when she asked, “You’re not going to accept Mr. Im’s offer?”

Soo-Ja detected some disappointment in her daughter’s voice. “You read the note?”

“Are you going to?” Hana asked again.

“Hana, if you knew what you were asking, you wouldn’t be asking it.”

“Why don’t you?”

Was Hana betraying her adored father in this moment? Or was she simply voicing what he himself might say, her husband who was at once insanely jealous of other men and completely casual as to Soo-Ja’s worth to him?

“Hana, he’s not just asking me to go get some jelly cakes with him at the grocery store. When grown men say ‘dates,’ they mean much more.”

“I know. He wants whatever it is that happens in the movies after a man and a woman kiss and the screen goes black,” said Hana.

It occurred to Soo-Ja that Hana herself was using euphemisms, that she was well aware of what happened after the screen went black. Soo-Ja looked at her daughter’s smooth teenage face, her hair in two tiny pigtails in the back, her pink angora sweater with a white collar and buttons in the front. Hana was twelve, and looked twelve, but she was the oldest twelve-year-old Soo-Ja knew.

“Hana, I know it can be frustrating for you to see your friends ride in taxis and buy new clothes every season at the
baeg-hwa-jeom
, but listen to me, they are absolutely no better than you. Now go to your room and do your homework. And for sure do not tell your father about the note. It’ll hurt him.” Soo-Ja added the last part because it was the only way she’d keep her daughter from sharing its contents with him. Hana doted on her father, loved him more than she did her mother; mostly, Soo-Ja suspected, because he let her get away with more.

When Hana left, Soo-Ja pictured her daughter going to their bedroom, where Hana and Min would sit on the floor and eat tiny oranges together. Min would diligently peel off the skin and remove the white pith from each slice before popping them in Hana’s mouth, one by one. Hana loved how her father always had time for her, more time than any other adult his age. Min said yes to her every whim, agreed to the most outrageous demands, and bought her records, comic books, and fan magazines. He treated her more like a small, about-to-be-deposed queen than a daughter.

At times, Soo-Ja caught the showiness of his love for Hana, and she noticed how it was more for her benefit than their daughter’s, as if to say,
Look, I’m not a bad father, I have redeeming qualities, and I am, after
all, capable of love—just not capable of loving you, as you’re not capable of loving me.

Meanwhile Soo-Ja told Hana no all the time. She was always too busy checking in guests to talk to her daughter about her crushes on the singer Jung Hyeon Shin and the actor Sung-Il Shin. She refused to buy Hana new dresses when it was so cold and she’d be covered by a winter coat all the time anyway. (Soo-Ja was of the school that you didn’t spend too much on things other people couldn’t see, which explained the sorry state of her own undergarments.)

When Hana was six and seven, Soo-Ja had to spank her just to get her to do the simplest things, like put on her pajamas or eat her meals. When she did so, Hana would yell out, “It doesn’t hurt at all!” This brazenness amazed her mother, and only made her want to hit her harder (which she didn’t). Hana never backed down, and Soo-Ja was, by turn, infuriated and impressed by her willfulness.

Hana had grown a bit calmer lately and was too busy with school to really give her any troubles. Occasionally Hana would catch her mother staring at her and she’d ask, “What are you looking at?” And Soo-Ja would smile mysteriously and say, “I’m looking at
you.
” For yes, Soo-Ja was still amazed by this porcelain-skinned beauty who had been given to her twice—once at birth, and once in Pusan—and was therefore twice loved, twice adored.

Hana, do you know that I love you? I envy the mothers in American movies, able to say that out loud.

I know I can’t say it, but I say it when I tell you to put on your jacket and your hoodie. I can’t say it, but I say it when I make seaweed soup for your birthday, and also get you coconut cake, your favorite. Your father and I compete for your love, never openly admitting this, but instead simply reminding you to be respectful and obedient. Be obedient, my daughter. Be obedient.

“Did you have a good stay?” asked Soo-Ja, smiling at the two guests in front of her. They were women roughly her own age, and they did not respond, as if Soo-Ja were a machine of sorts, there simply to check
them out. From their nice clothes, Soo-Ja guessed these were married ladies enjoying a vacation away from children and husbands. While Soo-Ja added up their bill, she noticed that the two of them were staring intently at her, and whispering to each other. “Is everything all right?”