This Is a Book (24 page)

This turns out to be the last moment just before I hit that wake.

Now that I look at myself I remember exactly what happened. A moment later my body spins completely out of control. I am struggling, desperately trying to maintain my balance. The boat swerves. Is Ed turning the boat? He is. Are you kidding me? Then everything starts to go into slow motion. I am wiping out. There is no saving it now. I am falling badly. The wipeout feels almost like it is punishing me for trying to avoid it. I go down. Face-first. My mouth is open—in fact, it couldn’t be more open. I feel several hundred gallons of lake water go into my mouth. Water goes into my eyes, nose, ears, butt… every possible body hole. I continue to get dragged by the boat, because for some reason, I am still holding on to the line. Finally I let go. I am still moving forward, though. My water-logged body comes to a stop. I float there. I am
disoriented. Angry. I knew this was a bad idea. Why did they make me do this? Then I discover that I am missing my bathing suit. Everyone is laughing. But I am not laughing. I am the only one not laughing.

Now I am trying to somehow still look cool. My sunglasses are gone. They left a nice cut in my forehead though. I’m searching for my bathing suit. When did it come off? Where the hell is it?! There it is. I grab it. I’m putting it back on in the lake. I’m getting out of the water.

Now I notice that my bathing suit is on backwards. Great. My so-called friends are laughing even more at me. These people suck. I am trying to be a good sport about this, but I am complaining. And I am blaming Ed. I yell at him and tell him he did this on purpose. That son of a bitch. I know it.

Ed just couldn’t stand to see me actually getting the attention for once. I tell him this. Everyone stops laughing. Then I stop accusing him because I can see people are now looking at me like
I’m
the jerk.

I go shower off. And that’swhere I end up finding some things on my legs. Leeches!? Are you kidding me? Leeches! Nobody said anything about leeches in the lake. I am cursing as I pull leeches off my legs. That’s when I see a snake. I run and scream. Julie is there, sitting with Ed. I hear her say to him, “He’s just mad that he made an ass of himself and he’s taking it out on you. What a creep. Don’t worry about it, Ed.” Ed and Julie hook up that night. I end up with a rash and some sort of sinus infection.

I’m going to rip up this picture now.

The bird,

The bee,

The running child,

are all the same

to the sliding glass door.

Seek and ye shall find

or ye shall become frustrated

and start to bang things

and hurt thy hand

on the door of the kitchen cabinet.

Leave no stone unturned

In your quest to

disrupt a rock garden

Ask three economists the same question

And you will get four different answers

that are equally long and boring to listen to.

Man:

Never more like a snowstorm

than when he sneezes

whilst eating rice.

 

 

A typo can charge the meaning of anything.

 

In Physics:

Rate × Time = Distance

In Bed:

Rate × Time = Prostitute

 

The Pursuit of Happiness:

It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn’t it?

 

 

Words have power,

you dumb piece of shit.

 

 

Let no man’s deathbed be a futon.

 

 

Worst of Both Worlds:

One example, the TV movie.

 

 

Every cloud has a silver lining.

Right. Okay.

And, tell me again how a silver lining helps me?

 

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

 

 

Spilling

floor cleaner

Only makes the

floor cleaner.

 

 

 

A scented candle left unwatched

soon becomes a larger scented candle,

whose scent is “entire house.”

 

 

The lord works in mysterious ways.

Indeed.

And a shorter way to say that is:

God is a sneak.