This is Living (Living #1.5) (13 page)

H
anging up the phone, I turn to walk back into Chloe’s room when I feel someone lightly touch my arm. My eyes hone in on a hand with blood red nails holding on to my arm and I jerk my head up to see the owner of the hand. It’s Melissa from the ER…what the hell is she doing here?

Right away I’m reminded of Tanya’s words when she said Melissa was on the prowl for a doctor husband. Well newsflash, bitch, it’s not going to be me.

I move back from her, dislodging her hand, and a flash of hurt comes across her face. I don’t acknowledge it at all. Instead I try to keep a calm professional look on my face as she says, “Hello Jayson, it’s been a while.”

Although I hate being rude to my colleagues, she is really pushing it. “It’s Dr. Reece and it hasn’t been that long. I’m in and out of the ER all the time with my patients.”

“Oh, I know. It’s just not the same with you not being there every day. You kind of make the scenery a whole lot better, if you know what I mean,” she says with a giggle. A fucking giggle? How old is this woman anyway?

“Do you need anything else? I need to get back to my wife.”

A look of annoyance settles on her face and she says, “Oh yeah, I heard you talking about her a few minutes ago.”

I think maybe that I didn’t hear her right, but looking at her face, I know I did. “Did you just listen in on my phone conversation,” I ask in a heated tone?

I’m starting to lose patience with this bitch. Opening my mouth to shut her down, I decide to see just how far she is going to take this…you know the old saying: “Give someone enough rope and they will hang themselves.”

In a sickly sweet voice, she says, “Sorry, I wasn’t trying to listen in. You seem upset and I want to help if I can.”

“I appreciate that, Melissa, but Chloe is doing well. Still, I need to get back in there with her.”

Her next words bring on a rage that I haven’t felt in a very long time…not since Alyssa from college. “It didn’t sound like Chloe is doing all that well if she needs a therapist.”

Using all the self-control I possess, I answer with a growl. “My wife’s condition is none of your concern. She is suffering from the loss of our baby, not that it is any of your business.”

With a toss of her hair, she moves closer to me. “All I’m saying is that she sounds like she has some issues and losing a child might push her over the edge. You need someone that is strong by your side and one that can carry a baby to term if it’s a family you’re wanting…I’ve had three, you know.”

Through my almost incapacitation from anger, I hear a whimper coming from Chloe’s room. Shit! She doesn’t need this right now. Running my hands through my hair, I pray for God to give me control to keep from laying this woman out.

Out of all of the things that Chloe needs to be shielded from, this is the worst. When I don’t answer immediately, Melissa takes it that I’m agreeing with her.

“All you have to do is say the word and I will do anything I can to help…anything.” Her last words leave her staring at my crotch.

If she thinks she’s getting a reaction from that region, she’s crazier than I thought. If anything, I can feel my dick and balls shrivel up and try to disappear inside my body.

Flashing her a smile that she would know meant I’m getting ready to annihilate her, if she knew me at all, gives her the courage to take another step even closer.

“So, you want to help me, Melissa? Is that right? You think sucking my dick is going to make up for the loss of my child and the pain my wife is going through?”

She blinks at me in confusion because the smile on my face and my words decidedly do not match.

“Uh no, that’s not what I meant. I thought I could comfort you.”

With a glare, I continue. ‘Do not ever speak my wife’s name or refer to anything that has to do with her again. If you disregard this warning and I find out, I’m turning you into hospital administration.”

She rolls her eyes and says, “Like you could prove anything anyway.”

Not taking my eyes from her face, I pull out my cell phone and hit play. Her words are plainly heard in the hallway as it echoes off of the walls.

“Furthermore, I am happily married and no one, especially you, is going to screw that up. I’m not sure what your game is, but take me off of your hunting list. I’m not the doctor that’s going to fuck you and then leave my wife for you. There’s plenty of other men in this hospital that will take you up on your offer. So go find one of them.”

We stand there for a moment, neither of us saying anything, and I hope I’m getting through to her. Either way, I have to get inside and repair the damage of what Chloe just heard.

The last thing I say to her is for Chloe as much as it is for Melissa. “The woman you so callously put down during a terrible time of loss is the strongest person I’ve ever met. I’m honored to have her as my wife and if she never gives me another baby, I’ll still die a happy man as long as she’s with me. I’m done with this conversation and I’m done with you. If you see me in the hallway, look the other direction because I’ll be doing the same. If you don’t, I’m turning you in for unprofessional conduct and HIPPA violations.”

Without another look, I leave her standing there. I don’t care where she goes or what she says to anyone as long as she is gone the next time I step out of this door.

Not knowing what I’m going to encounter, I steel myself before seeing Chloe. She’s sitting up in bed grinning at me and I can’t help but smile back. Again, I’ve underestimated her and how strong she really is.

I make my way over to the side of the bed and take a seat. I don’t have time to say anything before she takes the lead.

“So, that was a pretty great verbal asskicking, Dr. Reece. I think in any other situation, I might be a bit turned on.” She says this all while trying not to laugh, but I can see the gratefulness in her eyes.

Leaning over, I kiss her with all the love I can put into it. “I meant every word; you’re worth everything to me. Don’t forget that.”

I lie back carefully and wrap my arms around her. The silence is comfortable and I feel her relaxing into me. Before she falls asleep, I feel her squeeze my hand and say, “You’re my everything, Jayson.”

I smile into the darkness and answer teasingly, “Did you charge up your credit card again?”

An unlady like snort and a smack on the arm along with calling me an “ass” is her response.

“You’re mine, too, baby…don’t ever forget it.” Another squeeze lets me know she heard me and I fall asleep with a lighter heart than I’ve had in a while with the knowledge we might be ok after all.

I
t’s the day after my surgery and I’m ready to go home. I miss my boys and this bed as well as the food leaves a lot to be desired. I’m hoping I can get my doctor to agree to discharge me.

My door opens, but instead of my nurse or doctor, it’s Madison….and someone I don’t know. She looks to be somewhere in her mid-40’s and she’s wearing some kickass shoes. Never let it be said that I miss a nice pair of heels.

Madison is in her usual form today, which makes me feel better. I hate being treated fragilely like I’m going to break apart at the drop of a hat.

“Hey hooker, you look like ass.”

Yep, see, she’s the same old Madison.

I expect for the lady with her to be shocked, but she laughs along with the two of us. Obviously, they know each other well enough for her to get Maddie’s humor.

“Shut it, you’re just jealous I can rock a hospital gown better than you.”

I get the finger and then she leans down to hug me. In a quiet voice, she says, “I’m sorry, honey.”

That’s all it took. I was doing so well. The tears come hard and fast and I stare down at my hands willing them to stop. God knows I’ve cried enough in front of Madison, but it’s embarrassing to do it in front of a stranger. 

When I’m sure the tears are gone, I try to smile at them both, but it’s short lived. I woke up this morning feeling like I was going to be ok…evidently I was wrong.

Madison closes the door to my room and she and her friend pull up chairs close to my bed. The next thing out of Madison’s mouth shocks the crap out of me.

“Chloe, this is Dr. Judith Holtzer. She’s a friend of mine as well as my therapist.”

I turn to say hello to Dr. Holtzer, but instead I blurt out, “You have a therapist? Since when? And why?” Wow Chloe, that wasn’t awkward at all.

“I’ve been seeing her for several years. I started after Connor and I got together. I knew the shit with my dad was having an effect on me and my ability to have a relationship. I still see her from time to time when issues crop up or when Connor is being a jerk.”

Dr. Holtzer grins and clears her throat at this statement. Madison rolls her eyes and says, “Ok, sometimes I’m the jerk. He has spoken with her as well.”

I feel my eyes bug out of my head. Connor Reece has seen a therapist? Am I in some kind of alternate universe right now?

Maddie sees the shocked look on my face and says, “I can be a bit difficult sometimes. It’s either he sees her and talks it out or we get a divorce.”

Looking over at Dr. Holtzer, she laughs and says, “She’s actually saved us a few times by kicking both of our asses.”

I’m shocked, but then I’m not, those two can get out of hand if they’re really in a fight over something. Madison knows just how to push his buttons and Connor falls for it every time.

It’s nice to meet her and all, but why is she here?

“Did you have a session today or something?”

Madison sees the questions in my eyes and says, “Actually, Jayson called last night and I mentioned Dr. Holtzer to him. We thought it might be good for her to talk to you and maybe to you both.”

I feel my eyes narrowing and I ask, “So, you two thought it would be good to bring a therapist up here to see me without asking if I would like to see one? Is that why he has conveniently disappeared this morning…so he’s out of the line of fire?”

Madison narrows her eyes right back at me and says, “No, he was trying to help you and I suggested someone who would be good for the job.”

I want to scream at the top of my lungs for them both to get out and Maddie knows it. I hate being blindsided like this…something else she knows as well as Jayson.

Since I don’t want to look like an ungrateful bitch, I keep my mouth shut. Although, I’m pretty sure that they can feel the temperature in the room drop to zero degrees. I am so kicking her ass once I’m healed from this surgery and Jayson can expect a long freeze out in more ways than one.

The door opens while Madison and I are in a glaring war and Benedict Arnold Reece walks in. Immediately, he sees the look on my face and doesn’t come any closer to the bed. I kind of want to laugh; what does he think I’m going to do to him?

“Hi honey, the therapist you called is here. Have you met her yet?” My tone is sarcastically sweet and it’s not lost on him at all.

Dr. Holtzer smothers a laugh and I try to keep a straight face. He looks scared to death. If I wasn’t so mad at him, I would crack up laughing.

Madison stands and says, “Ok, I got her here and Chloe hasn’t kicked her out yet, you’re on your own now, McSteamy.”

Now I’m really trying not to laugh. He hates that nickname as much as he hates the show, Grey’s Anatomy that we used to watch in college. Dr. Holtzer is not hiding her laughter anymore. What can I say…we’re a crazy family.

Madison comes over and hugs me and whispers, “Be nice to him and to her. Or I’m coming after you when you’re well.” Then she hugs me tighter and says, “I love you; I’ll talk to you soon.”

I huff to myself, “bitch.” She knows I can’t be mad when she pulls the “I love you card.”

Something she knows full well when she winks at me and says, “Ok, play nice, boys and girls.” Then she sweeps out of the room like she’s in a pageant doing the winner’s wave.

We all watch her leave and then dissolve into laughter, which breaks the ice in the room.

Dr. Holtzer quickly grasps the moment and asks Jayson to take a seat. She doesn’t pull any punches…instead she looks right at me and says, “I understand you’re angry at feeling like this was decided for you. You have the right to feel that way; I’m not discounting that. All I’m asking is that you keep an open mind and also take into consideration that your husband is worried about you and has your best interests at heart. I think you know that anyway.”

She’s really good. What can I say to that? And honestly, other than not liking that he didn’t ask me if I wanted to see her, I am smart enough to realize that she is needed.

Taking Jayson’s hand in mine, I say, “I’m fine now. It was just a shock at first. I don’t like not being in control of things.”

She immediately says, “Why do you feel like you have to be in control?”

I want to bite my tongue off. I thought she wanted to talk about losing the baby. I don’t answer her right away. My mind goes back to 11 years ago to the events that are the cause of a lot of my being a control freak.

Suddenly, I feel all those emotions come slamming into me. I haven’t thought about this in years. I open my mouth to speak and rather than talking, I start hyperventilating. My eyes close tightly, not wanting to see either the doctor or Jayson. This is why I hate loss of control; I feel so weak.

“Chloe, I want you to breathe in and out very deeply. Slow your breathing down.”

I hear her words, although they sound as if they are far off, not right here next to me. Trying to follow her directions while screaming in my mind to get a grip, I count backwards in my head to distract myself.

Jayson wraps his arms around me and I melt into his body like I’m trying to become a part of him. It seems like years, but after a few moments, I’m able to breathe and speak again.

In a ragged voice, I say, “I was in an accident 11 years ago after being drugged by an ex-boyfriend. I killed a baby boy and maimed the parents. I’ve always been a little OCD or a control freak, but it increased a thousand times since that happened. My control was taken away from me and my life changed forever, not to mention those that I hurt.”

Jayson doesn’t speak…he squeezes me tighter, letting me know that he’s there for me. Even so, I hate talking about this in front of him.

Dr. Holtzer leans forward and grabs my hand. “I can certainly understand why control is important to you. No one wants their free will taken away from them, especially not in that manner.”

I absorb what she says and nod my head in return.

“Do you think that colors your actions and attitudes even this many years later?”

Again, I shake my head yes, not wanting to say the words.

“Do you feel that you could have controlled the outcome of your pregnancy in some way, which wouldn’t have resulted in a miscarriage?”

Geeze, is this lady psychic or something?

Knowing that Jayson is going to hate me, I answer, “Yes, I do.”

I feel his body jerk in response, yet he remains quiet.

Tapping away on the screen of her tablet, Dr. Holtzer says, “Tell me what you could have done to change the outcome.”

In a whisper, I say, “I wished I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I was tired of being swollen, my back hurt, and I hated that I was getting fat. Evidently, God took me at my word.”

Jayson jumps in and says, “Baby, that isn’t true. You don’t miscarry because you’re tired of being pregnant. Every woman feels that way during her pregnancy.”

I want to believe what he says, but it seems too coincidental to me.

He continues on and says, “You’ve been asleep so I haven’t had a chance to tell you what Dr. Gibbs said caused the miscarriage. When he did your D&C, he found endometriosis and he felt like the endometrial tissue caused the separation of the placenta.”

I’m so surprised that I turn and stare at him in shock. I’ve never had problems in that area before except for painful cramps during my period. When I mention that to Jayson, he tells me that my usual cramps from hell are an indicator of endometriosis.

It’s a lot to take in. I convinced myself that somehow I was responsible for the death of our daughter. The belief that it was a medical problem and not my thoughts is something I want to believe in so badly.

Both let me sit quietly and absorb the information I’ve been given. Finally, Dr. Holtzer says, “You can’t control everything, Chloe. You will make yourself crazy trying to do so. Take it from a self-professed control freak, I know because I’m guilty of the same thing.”

I don’t answer verbally, but nod in agreement, and she asks if there are any other issues that I feel need to be addressed. This is so hard for me, but I push through. If I don’t, there is a chance that I will damage my marriage and my children…and that is something I will sacrifice my pride for every time.

“I’m scared to be left alone,” I say softly.

“In fact, I’ve been very difficult to live with lately. When Jayson didn’t come home after a hospital shift, I accused him of cheating on me. And when he couldn’t be at my doctor’s appointment, I told him I hated him because he left me alone again. I found out by myself that our daughter was dead. So, I lashed out at the most important person in my life.”

Tears well up in my eyes and Dr. Holtzer hands me a tissue.

Wiping my eyes, I say, “I’m afraid he’s going to leave me even though I know he loves me. I’m scared to death that he could find someone new, get hurt and die, you name it, I’m afraid of it. I don’t want to pass this fear on to my boys.”

By this point, I can’t speak anymore and I bury my face in Jayson’s neck. I hear him explaining about how my parents abandoned me after the accident.

Dr. Holtzer comes over and squeezes my shoulder. “You’ve really been through it, haven’t you?”

It’s sweet of her say this, but I don’t want her to feel sorry for me. I tell her this and emphasize that I just want to get better for my husband and my sons.

Leaning down, she peers into my eyes, “Honey, you have to want to get better for you first. Then the other will naturally fall into place.”