THIS Is Me... (15 page)

     NIGHT

  MARES

CHAPTER 19

JUNE 6

  Opening my eyes, I'm relieved to still remember.  My dream is fuzzy, but my memories are clear.  I remember all the bad, and I remember the little bit of good I've had.  I think I remember it all now.
  “Suzanne... Welcome back.  How are you feeling?” 
Should I?  Shouldn't I?
  No, dammit.  I'm not gonna mess with him.
  “Hi, Mack.  Um, I remember,” I confess.
  Staring at me for seconds, Mack seems to collect his thoughts.  “What do you remember, Suzanne?”  Oh, he looks so hopeful, though I can tell he's fighting the urge to hope.
  Taking his hand in mine, I squeeze as tight as I can.  “I remember you Mack.  I remember everything.  I must have been asleep for a long time, because my dream was really long, but I remember everything now.  I remember all of it.”
  Guarded still, he asks, “What exactly do you remember, Suzanne?”
  “Oh, Mack, I remember how I felt about you.  I remember you're
my
Mack.  You're my person.  You're my Mack, and I remember loving you very much.”
  “What else do you remember?”  He asks way too calmly.
  “Everything.  All of it.  I remember my Kaylas, and I remember Z.  It all came back to me Mack.  I remember leaving Marcus, and I remember how my parents treated me.  I remember all the bad stuff and I remember what was done to me when I was young by my parents and the men.  I remember it all.  I remember
you
all.”

  Exhaling a long breath, Mack is silent.  Still staring at me, he doesn't seem entirely convinced, but he
does
seem hopeful now.
  “When did the memories return?”
  “I don't know.  Just now I guess.  I was dreaming and then I was remembering.  It was like a movie that played out.  My horrible autobiography.  My life in sections, and chunks.  Mostly bad stuff, and awful loneliness, but then I remembered you, and the Kaylas, and Z, and even the good Marcus.  I think I remember everything now.”
  “Do you remember what upset you recently?”
  “No.  I was just sleeping for a long time with all my memories playing out.  Why?  What happened?”
  “Do you remember the last three weeks?  Do you remember waking from the coma?”
  “Yes.  It's all weird though and kind of fuzzy because I was so confused but I don’t know why I was confused because I remember everything now, but I guess I didn’t really remember then.  I don’t know.  Everything is all weird.  I remember hearing I was in a car accident, and that I was in another coma, which is so messed up.  Another coma?  How very
dramatic
of me,” I giggle.
  “Yes, highly dramatic Suzanne.  Though the first was medically-induced, this second was from a brain trauma.  But still- two comas in a year?  That's a bit much wouldn't you agree?”
  “Yes, Mack.  Yes, I would.  Have I barfed at all?” I grin.
  “Once or twice, but you're handling all this very well considering.  I would request that you stop with all the psychotic freak-outs and drama however, because the Kaylas are getting a little pissed.”  Smirk.
  Ha!  There's my Mack.  Doctorly and dorky all at once.  Actually, he seems a little sarcastic too.  I wonder if he realizes the tragic influence Kayla has had on him.
  “How’s Kayla?”
  “She's good, Suzanne.  Actually, she's thrilled you're awake, but she'll be ecstatic that you finally remember her.  The other Kayla is just as funny and hard and Kayla-like as ever.  Well, except with you of course.  With you she's kind of a pushover, though she'd hit me for saying that.” 
  Smiling at Mack, I think I'm happy to hear that the Kaylas are okay.  I think I'm relieved that they still care about me. 
  “How are
you,
Mack?”
  “I'm really good.  And I'm so happy you're back with us.  We've been very worried, and this stretch with you has seemed endless.  But otherwise, I'm very well.” 
  “Was it really bad?”
  “It was sometimes, yes.  I think because you were so confused and felt such a lack of control you panicked often.  You were very easily agitated and you tended to lash out frequently.”
  “I'm sorry...”
  When Mack takes my hand, I can help but ask.  I just need a little comfort.  I need some Mack-like comfort.
  “Would you please hug me, Mack,” I beg on a whisper.
  “God, yes...”
  And when he takes me in his arms, I feel how gentle he is.  I know he's holding me gently, but I don't want that.  I think I need a hard, 'I'm awake now' hug.  I need Mack to strengthen me. 

  So pulling tighter, I squeeze Mack with all I can.  Holding on tightly, I'm waiting for the comfort to envelop me.  I'm waiting, but I feel nothing but the physical hug.
  “Um, I can't really feel you,
emotionally.
  Does that make sense?  I know you're hugging me and I know I want it- I know I
need
it actually, but you feel like a stranger or something.  Is that normal?”
  “Suzanne, your emotions are going to run the gauntlet for the next while. You're going to be depressed, and scared, and overwhelmed, and an endless combination of a multitude of emotions.  You may even experience a sudden sense of euphoria, which is also common. 
  “...You have been trapped unaware, and then you were awake with no cognizant
memory of your life, and now you’re awake
with
memory.  You may feel happy or sad, or nothing at all until this all settles.  There is no right or wrong way to feel right now. 
Honestly, it's pretty remarkable that you have your memory at all, at least this early after waking.  Generally speaking, PTA patients- post-traumatic amnesia patients- can take months to feel and to remember their previous lives, or they may never regain all their memories, nor can they heal entirely.  The short timeframe for which you experienced your memory loss is amazing.  So please don't worry.  You're doing very well.”
  “Okay.”  Silence.
  Staring at Mack again, I feel like a bit of a fool asking this, but...
  “How's Z?”
  “He's good Suzanne.  Well, that's not entirely true.  Right now I can almost feel him climbing the walls outside.  He's just itching to get to you, but otherwise he's good.”  Oh!
  “So he's still interested in me?  Um, even though I'm highly dramatic?” 
  “Most definitely.  Probably
because
you're highly dramatic and keep him on his toes, Suzanne,” he winks.
  “That's probably a very bad joke, Mack.”
  “I'm sure it is, but that's me.  And Z will just have to deal with it.  Would you like to see him?” 
  Gulp.  I do want to see him.  I know I do, but I feel scared, or intimidated, or nervous, or something.  Seeing Z makes everything back to normal, but I don't really
feel
back to normal just yet.  Z will want me to be normal, and I'm not sure I am yet.  Shit.
  “I do, but can I just have a minute.  There's still so much to understand.  Is that bad?”
  “Not at all.  I'm sure you're very confused and exhausted, and it's perfectly reasonable to have reservations about certain things.  Do you want to see the Kaylas?”
  “Not yet.  I'm not sure why, but I feel like I'll let them all down if I'm not perfectly normal yet.”
  “You wouldn't let anyone down, but I understand your fear and hesitation.  Please, don't worry Suzanne.  You get to do this at your own pace.  No one expects miracles from you, and no one is expecting you to just jump right back into your old life.  You've got however long you need.”

  “Thanks, Mack.  I remember you always say the right thing.  Can you just stay with me for a few minutes?  I don't think I want to be alone yet.”
  “I'm
always
here Suzanne.  I'll stay as long as you want.  Do you want to talk?  Do you have any questions for me?”
  “A million, I think.  Um, what happened, exactly?  I know there was a car accident but that's it, I think.” 
  “You were at Z's apartment.  Do you remember that?”
  “Yes.  I remember I spent the night with him and it was amazing.”
  “That's what Z says as well,” he grins.  “Anyway, you left Z's to meet my Kayla for lunch and you were involved in the car accident.  Do you remember the accident?”
  “No.  Was it bad?  It’s okay, you can tell me.”
  When Mack pauses for a minute and looks down at his hands, I suddenly think this’ll be bad to hear. 

  “Yes, it was very bad,” he says on an exhale.  “You were pronounced at the scene, and then pronounced with minimal brain function on the operating table. But true to form, you pulled through again.”
  “Pronounced?  Like
dead?
”  Gulp.
  “Yes, like dead.”
  “Wow.  That's messed up, huh?”  Giggle.  “Sorry.  I'm not sure what to say.  It's so weird to hear that kind of stuff.  I mean,
really
weird.”
  “I'm sure it is but you're handling it very well.”
  “Thanks.  And then I was in another coma?  Do I have any brain damage?”  Giggle again. Shit.  “I'm sorry.  This is just so strange.  I mean who asks these questions?  It seems like I'm the only freak in the world who all this shit happens to.  And I think I'm one of those people who probably laughs when stressed, like at a funeral, or something.”
  “You are totally that person. I could see you bursting out laughing at a funeral due to the stress, for sure.  You are very strange Suzanne, but in a very endearing way,” he grins again.
  Smiling back at him, “Thanks, Mack.  That's probably a horrible thing to say, but I love it.  Probably another weird Suzanne-ism, I'm sure.”
  “Yup.  You're filled with them.  How are you feeling?”
  “Better, but not great.  It's like I'm seeing and remembering everything in a haze.  I
know
everything now, but I don't really feel it.  It's like I'm looking at myself, but not really seeing myself.”
  “That's normal.  You've been under much stress Suzanne, combined with confusion and a lack of memory.  It's very normal to feel a little unlike yourself at this point.”
  “How long have I been awake from the coma?”
  “Um, around 3 weeks.”
  “Really?  Wow.  What was I like?  I only remember last night, or my dream, or whatever that was.  Was I normal that whole time?”
  “You were awake, but you had no memory of your most recent past, approximately the last 2 years or so from what I could ascertain.  It was hard to gauge, so things were quite difficult for you, and for us.  But Z and the Kaylas and I never left your side, though it was very hard at times.”
  “I'm so sorry.”
  “Don't be.  Ever.  Nothing you did or said is to be apologized for.  You were struggling and we knew that.  Anything you said was to be expected from someone struggling as you were.  I'm just thrilled you seem so well right now.  I'm thrilled you seem to be returning as Suzanne.”
  “I think I'm back.  Was I really bad?”
  “Sometimes, yes.  You had a few episodes which were very painful for us, and you lashed out at Z and especially at Chicago Kayla once.  But we knew these episodes weren't your fault, and Kayla and Z don't blame you for them.  Again, they're going to be just so thrilled your memory has returned.  Z is going to be beside himself with happiness.  He has been so amazing, and patient, and loving to you during this time.  He has been amazing to all of us,
for
you.”  Oh.
  “Should I see him now?”
  “Are you ready to?  Would you like me to stay?  I could give you privacy, or I could stay in case you both become overwhelmed.  The choice is yours Suzanne.”  God, Mack is so awesome.
  “Is it really bad of me to wait just a little longer before I see him- NOT because I don't want to, but I just want to make sure I'm feeling better for him, or like, feeling
something
before I see him.  Is that okay?”
  “Absolutely.  But I'm going to go talk to him for a few minutes.  I want to put his mind at ease, then I'll return and stay awhile with you if you'd like.”
  Nodding, I exhale again. 
  “May I have another hug, Mack?”
  “Absolutely,” he says taking me into his arms.

  This awake has been much calmer than I anticipated.  This one hasn't been all confusing and manic.  This awake has been as I hoped- calm and steady with my Mack while I wake up to my life.
  Letting me go, Mack stays close to me watching my face as all the information sets in.  I'm okay.  I
am
overwhelmed, but I'm okay.  So smiling with a nod, I let him leave me alone.
 

                                           *****

  When Mack returns I feel the need to confess.
  “Um, I think I remember Marcus said some things about Z, but I confused it with the other stuff that happened to me.  I remember now Z didn't hurt me.”
  “What exactly did Marcus say to you?  He won't tell me specifics, and I still need specifics in order to help you.”
  “It really doesn't matter.  I remember being with Z- by choice.   I remember him now.  Is he okay?”
  “Yes, he's fine.  He's still waiting outside if you'd like to speak with him.  Are you ready to speak with Z now?  Or would you like a little more time?”
  “I'm sorry... but I can't yet.  I think I remember something important Marcus said to me and I can't talk about it yet.  I can't Mack.  And I'm afraid it's true, and I'm afraid talking about it will make it true, and I don't want it to be true.”
  “What Suzanne?  What don't you want to be true?  What did Marcus tell you?”
  “I can't tell you because it shouldn't be true.  Actually Mack, do you mind leaving now?  You're still awesome, I swear… but I just need to think about things a little by myself.  Is that okay?”
  “It’s okay, Suzanne.  I only ask that you talk to me as much as you can, so I can help you.  If you start closing down and internalizing all this information and your new reality, I'm nervous you may become caught up in it all again, instead of slowly moving past it.  Does that make sense?  I just want you to be emotionally well, Suzanne.  That's all I want for you.”
  “I'm good.  I'm just tired.  Can I talk to you later?”
  Rising from his chair, Mack smiles his lovely smile at me.  “Of course you can speak to me later. I'll see to Z, and I'll come back in a few hours.  Rest well, Suzanne.  You really are doing amazingly well considering all you've been through.”
  “Thanks, Mack.”
  Leaning into me, Mack gives another Mack hug, as only he can.  Holding him as tightly as I can, I try to take his awesome into my body.  I would love to be as calm and supportive, and smart and wonderful as Mack is.  I would love to be a Mack to someone else.  I would love to be needed by someone else, as I need him.
  Releasing me, Mack kisses my forehead gently, squeezes my hand on the bed and walks out of my room. 
  And without knowing why, I'm totally overcome with sadness again the moment he leaves me.  I can't stop the tears, and I can't stop the sad from overwhelming me.  I don't even know
why
I'm sad.  I just am.