This Side of Heaven (23 page)

TWENTY-FOUR

T
he time had come to tell Savannah the truth about who they were. Annie wanted to take hold of her granddaughter’s hand, but it was too soon, so she stayed in her spot. On the other side of their granddaughter, Nate did the same. Lindsay was still crying softly across the room, taking in the scene.

Savannah was waiting for an answer. “Yes, honey, we know him.” She could feel herself being led along by the Holy Spirit, feel God leading her in what to say and when to say it. “Your daddy is our son—mine and Nate’s.”

“And he’s my brother.” Lindsay touched her fingers to the place above her heart. “We all love him very, very much.”

Savannah was on her feet. Her smile took up her whole face and she ran to Lindsay, putting her small hands on Lindsay’s knees. “You’re his sister?”

“Yes. He’s always been my best friend.”

“Really?” She raised her eyebrows high up into her forehead. “Mine, too!” She darted back to Nate. “And you’re his daddy?”

“Yes, honey.” Nate touched the girl’s shoulder. “You know what that makes me?”

She looked like she might have an idea, but she wasn’t sure enough to voice it. Instead, she shook her head.

“It makes me your grandpa, Savannah.”

“Like Grandpa Ted!” Savannah gasped and put both her hands over her mouth. When she dropped them she rushed into Nate’s arms and flung her hands around his neck. “Grandpa Ted’s in heaven, but you’re right here. I didn’t even know I had another grandpa, so now you can be my grandpa Nate, okay?”

Nate’s chin was quivering. He had one hand on Savannah’s back, and with the other he squeezed the bridge of his nose. He nodded, and Annie knew it was because he couldn’t say anything. After another big hug, Savannah turned to her. “Then . . . are you my grandma?”

Annie wanted to freeze the moment. She held out her arms toward Josh’s daughter. “Yes, honey. I’m your grandma.”

Savannah didn’t rush into a big hug the way she had with Nate. Instead, she seemed mesmerized by Annie, by the idea of having a grandmother. “I never had a grandma before.”

“You do now.” Annie couldn’t fight the tears another minute. They came despite her smile. “I’ll always be your grandma, because your daddy is my son.”

Savannah nodded slowly. “You’re”—she reached up and gingerly touched her little girl fingers to Annie’s dark hair—“you’re very beautiful, Grandma Annie.”

A small sob escaped from Annie and she tenderly took the girl into her arms. “You’re beautiful, too, Savannah. I see your daddy in your eyes.” They hugged for a long time, and Annie wanted the moment to end right there, without the admission of anything so sad as Josh’s death. The ending was all wrong. She sniffed and ran her hand along Savannah’s small back. “Would it be okay if we took you to the park?”

“Central Park?” Savannah looked suddenly afraid. “You mean, to beg for money?”

Annie was horrified. “No, honey. The park at the end of the street. So we can play on the swings and talk about your daddy.”

Again the girl’s smile was as wide and innocent as a sunrise. “I’d like that very much.”

They told Marti they were leaving, and the four of them climbed into the blue rental car. A few minutes later they pulled into the lot of Maple Leaf Park, and once they were outside they headed for the swings. Annie whispered quietly to Nate and Lindsay. Sometime in the next hour she wanted a few minutes alone with Savannah, so she could tell her the truth about Josh in a way that wouldn’t seem overwhelming. It was what they’d agreed to before the trip, and Nate and Lindsay both whispered their agreement.

Annie wanted to delay the news as long as possible. Savannah held her hand as they walked to the playground and when they were ten yards from the swings, she broke free and ran to the closest one. “Can I ride one, please?”

“Of course.” Despite so much that was sad about the visit, Annie couldn’t help but be filled with happiness at the sight of Josh’s daughter begging for a ride on a swing. Like their time together was as normal as that of any other grandparents spending an afternoon with their granddaughter. “Go ahead.” Annie laughed. “Climb on and I’ll push you.”

Savannah grabbed hold of the metal chains and sat down awkwardly, as though she wasn’t sure the swing would hold her up. “Not too high, okay? I’ve never been on swings before.”

The news shifted Annie’s emotions one more time, and hit her hard. Her granddaughter had never been on swings? “I thought you said you and your mother spent a lot of time in Central Park.”

“We beg money there.” Savannah looked embarrassed at the fact. “Mama always said that people wouldn’t give money if we looked like we were at the park for fun. So no swings for us.”

Annie was glad she wasn’t meeting Maria Cameron on this trip. She wasn’t sure she would be responsible for her actions if she had a chance to address the woman in person. She let go of her anger and frustration, so that Savannah wouldn’t think for a second it was directed at her. “Here.” Annie put her hands around Savannah’s smaller ones. “Hold tight to the chains and I’ll push you really slowly. Just tell me if you feel like you’re going too high.”

She moved around behind her granddaughter and gave her the most delicate pushes. “Don’t let go.”

“I won’t.” Savannah was clearly petrified, but as the ride continued she relaxed and began to giggle. “I like this, Grandma Annie. It’s like I’m flying.”

“Tell me if you want to go higher.”

“Okay.” Savannah’s giggle became a full-fledged laugh. “Higher, please.”

Annie did as she was asked. This was how all of life might have been for Savannah, only Josh should have been the one pushing her, and Annie should have been on the park bench next to Nate and Lindsay. She was a delightful child, and if Josh had known her these past seven years, no doubt the five of them would have shared countless happy times like this one.

They moved from the swings to the monkey bars, and then to the double slides. Annie even climbed up and rode down next to her granddaughter until she felt brave enough to tackle the slide on her own. After her fifth time down, Savannah set her feet in the sand and caught her breath, her narrow sides heaving with the exertion, her cheeks red and full of life.

She angled her pretty face at Annie. “Did my daddy like going to the park when he was a little boy?”

“Yes.” Annie sat on the end of the second slide. She pictured the free spirit Josh had been at Savannah’s age. “He would run from the swings to the slide and back again until he could barely take another step.”

Savannah giggled. “I can’t wait to meet him.” She put her hand on Annie’s knee. “Do you think he could push me on the swings when he comes here?”

For a crazy instant Annie thought about keeping the charade going. What was the difference whether Savannah knew about Josh’s death? Could any harm come from her holding on to the image in the photograph, believing her Prince Charming daddy was going to come for her one of these days? The answer was as obvious as daylight. Annie reached for Savannah’s hand.
God, please. . . . I can’t do this without You.

“And hey”—Savannah grinned at her—“if you know my daddy, could you tell him to hurry? I don’t want to meet him much later, but right now. Today, if that’s okay with him.”

“Savannah”—Annie felt God giving her the ability to speak the words that had to be said—“honey, your daddy isn’t coming for you.”

The news seemed to hit her slowly, like a gradual rain, the kind where it took several drops of wetness before the reality of the storm sank in. Her thin shoulders slumped forward a little and her eyes held a mix of shock and betrayal. “Why not?” Her mouth hung open, and the beginning of tears sprang to her eyes. “I’ve been waiting for him a very long time.”

“I know.” Annie wondered how much her heart could take. “You see, honey, a month ago your daddy went to sleep and he never woke up. He went to heaven instead.”

“To heaven?” Savannah stood and stared at Annie. “My daddy is in heaven? Like Grandpa Ted?”

“Yes, baby.” Annie reached for Savannah’s hand.

But the child took a step back and shook her head. “No.” She scrunched up her face and began to cry. “No, he can’t be in heaven. That’s too far away.” She shook her head harder, faster. “He’s my Prince Charming, and he was going to come for me and . . . and . . .” She turned around and ran across the sand to the swings. She flung herself onto the farthest one, grabbed the chains hard, and hung her head halfway to her lap.

Annie caught a look of pity from Nate and Lindsay. The two of them stood and started walking along a path in the other direction. They could hear the details later. These next few minutes were for Annie and Savannah alone. Annie stood, and as she trudged through the sand toward her granddaughter she wore her son’s loss like a heavy coat.

He should have been here right now, to take Savannah in his arms and soothe away her hurt and sadness. Annie stopped a few feet from the girl, and again she knew she’d remember the sight of Savannah—sitting on the swing weeping, her heart breaking—for as long as she lived. Although she was only seven years old, the child understood the significance of Josh being in heaven.

Annie took the swing beside her and waited several minutes until Savannah’s angry sobs eventually subsided. Finally, she sniffed and turned her red eyes to Annie. “Grandpa Ted told me sometimes things don’t go the way we want this side of heaven.”

“That’s true.” Annie wasn’t sure who Grandpa Ted was, but she had a feeling he had been Maria’s father. “This side of heaven can be pretty sad sometimes.”

“So here’s what I want to know.” She sniffed again. “How do I get to
that
side of heaven? So I can be with my daddy?”

Annie couldn’t talk through her tears.
That side of heaven.
If she could take Savannah there now she would. “Ah, Savannah, baby. If only there were a way to make that happen.”

“Grandpa Ted said there was.” She had fresh tears on her cheeks, but her anger was gone now. In its place was a sad desperation, a last-ditch hope that she might somehow find a way around the terrible news. She wiped her nose. “He told me if I loved Jesus, then one day I’d go to heaven, too. So then I’d be on that side with my daddy.”

“Your grandpa Ted was right.” Annie brushed her wrists across her cheeks. “One day you’ll be on that side of heaven with your daddy and your grandpa Ted and— and all of us who love Jesus. Just not until you’re much, much older.”

“But”—her voice broke and she looked smaller than she had an hour ago—“my daddy wasn’t old. So how come he’s on that side of heaven and I’m here on this side?”

Annie swallowed a sob before it could consume her. “I don’t know. I’ve wondered that same thing.”

When Savannah saw that Annie didn’t have any more of an answer than that, she squeezed her eyes shut and lowered her head again. “I was going to live with him, and he was going to give me hugs, and . . . and . . .” Her tears came harder, and it was difficult to understand her. “He was going to take me to his house and bring me to school and push me on the swings and race me down the slide. And everything was going to be happily ever after.” She lifted the saddest eyes and looked deep into Annie’s face. “What about that?”

“I’m sorry, Savannah.” Annie reached out her hand once more, and this time Savannah stood, and after a few seconds of inner struggle she came to Annie and flung her arms tight around her neck.

“I wanted to meet him so bad, Grandma Annie.” Savannah nuzzled her face in close against Annie’s neck. “Now I have to wait for heaven.”

“Yes.” Annie let her tears come. “We both have to.”

They hugged for a long time, until finally Savannah pulled back. She searched Annie’s face. “That’s why you came, isn’t it? To tell me my daddy was in heaven?”

“Yes, honey.” Annie didn’t want to mention the rest. “And because we wanted to meet you and tell you about your daddy. He loved you very much.” Annie had made a copy of Josh’s journal. It was in an envelope in the car. “Before we go I have something for you. Lots and lots of letters your daddy wrote to you from the time you were a baby until the day before he died.”

“Why—why didn’t he come see me before he went to heaven? Before it was too late?”

The afternoon sun was slipping behind the trees that lined the playground, and the temperature was falling. Annie wasn’t sure how much to say. “He wanted to, baby. Every day he wanted to.”

The pieces seemed to come together slowly but surely in Savannah’s mind. She thought for a long time, and then she bit her lip. “It was ’cause of my mama, right? She didn’t let him come, because she threw his picture in the garbage.”

“That’s right, Savannah.” She didn’t want to turn the girl against her mother, especially when the woman was most likely all she would ever have in the years ahead. But the truth needed to be spoken. “Your mother didn’t want Josh to be a part of your life.”

“Josh?”

“That was your daddy’s name. Joshua David Warren.” Savannah repeated his name slowly. “I like Prince Charming Daddy better.”

Annie smiled. Her tears were drying in the late afternoon breeze. “I like that, too.”

“My mama shouldn’t have kept him away from me.”

“No.” Annie ran her hand along the back of Savannah’s head. “But she can’t keep him away in heaven. So you’ll always have that to look forward to.”

They talked a few more minutes about heaven and how Josh had loved Jesus very much. Then they met up with Nate and Lindsay, and Savannah hugged each of them. “Grandma Annie told me about my daddy. I’m sorry he went to heaven so soon.”

“Us, too.” Nate held her hand as they walked to the car. “We miss him every day.”

When they got back to the foster home, Savannah found Josh’s picture on the sofa where she’d left it. “Is it okay if I still keep this picture? So I can think about my daddy and what it’s like on that side of heaven?”

“Yes, sweetie.” Lindsay hadn’t said much, but now she knelt near Savannah and touched the girl’s strawberry-blond hair. “My brother wanted to be your daddy so much. I want you to know that.”

“He is my daddy. It doesn’t matter if it takes a long time to meet him.” Savannah was accepting the situation a little better now. “Plus, I have my picture, so he’ll always be close by, even if he’s in heaven.”