Three Loving Words (2 page)

*****

“Enjoy your summer,” he’d told me.  As if I could enjoy my summer with the bomb he just dropped on me.  I made it back to my party without anyone realizing I was ever gone.  I sulked until the guests left.  I told myself that I would tell my parents the following day after I’d had a chance to soak it all in and sleep on it, but the minute the last guest left, I blurted out, “I need to tell you something.”

My parents must have heard the distress in my voice because they stopped cleaning and turned to look at me.  I knew I was shaking.

“Honey, Paige, what’s wrong?”

I probably should have waited until Nora had left to talk to them about this, so as to save them some embarrassment from her at least, but my mind wasn’t exactly where it should have been.

“I heard you talking,” I told them.  The confused faces that stared back at me meant they didn’t understand what I was referring to.  “I know about your debt.  I know about Gerry.”

My mom gasped, my dad turned stone-faced, and Nora had a blank expression on her face.

“Don’t worry, Paige, everything is going to be all right.” My dad broke the silence.

“I know.”

“That’s good, honey.  I’m glad you know it.” He came to give me a hug.

“I’m marrying Enzo,” I stated before he had a chance to reach me.

“What?”  This time it was Nora who spoke or rather shrieked.

“I went to talk to Gerry.” That stopped everyone in their tracks.

“When?” my mom asked.

“A few hours ago.”

“But you were here all day.”

I laughed.  It was a bitter laugh.  “No, actually, I wasn’t.  No one noticed or cared, not that that’s anything new.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Nora.

“I love you, Nora, but I can’t live up to you, and everyone here knows it,” I huffed.  “And I’m tired of being second best.”

“That’s not true,” my mom chimed in.

“It is,” I interrupted her.  “And I saw an opportunity to finally do something that Nora couldn’t so you could see I’m not just in her shadow.  And, it worked,” I screamed.  “But at a cost to me,” I added the last part so low I didn’t think anyone had heard me.  “You’re debt is cleared.” I spoke directly to my dad.

“Paige, no,” he started.

“Too late.  It’s all too late.  I agreed and it’s happening.  You have me as your daughter for another three months and then I’m a married woman.”  I turned on my heel, leaving three gaping mouths staring after me as I walked up the stairs.

I secretly hated just about everyone after that.  I hated my dad for being friends with Gerry, for getting into debt with him and not paying up. I hated my mom for just standing by and letting it happen, her head buried in the sand.  I hated my sister for not being the one to go talk to Gerry because then she might have been put in my shoes instead.  I hated Gerry for changing, for letting money turn him into a monster, for not being an understanding and compassionate friend like my dad was. I even hated Enzo, although I was pretty sure that he was getting the short end of the stick, just like me.  All this was on top of the fact that I already kind of hated my family because I was never enough for them and as a result, I had felt the need to go fix everything by making things worse for myself.

There went my dream of casually bumping into Mr. Perfect at college—my third year, of course.  He’d become star-struck at the sight of me, instant love at first sight.  His fingers would stumble as he entered my number into his phone.  He’d call right away just to make sure I didn’t give him a fake one.  Then we’d date as he swept me off my feet before proposing at my college graduation.  We’d have a year engagement to plan my perfect wedding, and then sail off into the sunset and live happily ever after.  As I said, I had dreamed of this life for as long as I could remember.  It was important to me.  If Gerry had asked me for just about anything, maybe not sex slavery or something like that, but pretty much anything else, I wouldn’t have cared.  I would have agreed with a happy smile on my face.  But he took away the one thing that kept me sane during all those years of missed “girl fun.”  I would dream of the day my life would revolve around the love of someone worthy of me and finally feel like I was enough.  Those thoughts were what kept me going when Nora brought home yet another gold star while mine was just silver.  She was the best for my family, but I would be the best for some lucky guy.

Not anymore.

*****

After my announcement, I became the center of my family’s universe while Nora sulked.  I thought it was because she was upset that it wasn’t all about her for once, but after about two weeks avoiding any serious talks with her, she cornered me in my room.

“Enough evading me,” she stated, her tone a little harsh.

“What, Nora?  What do you want from me?”

“You’re making a mistake.”  The sincerity in her voice had me doing a double take.  She was serious.

“Why?”

“This isn’t the life you want.”

“Yeah, well, life’s not fair,” I threw out, sounding just as childish out loud as I had in my head.

“Look, P ...” She paused.  She had called me P for as long as I could remember.  When we were kids, it was because she was trying to be funny, like “Ha-ha, it’s pee; look out for pee.”  As we got older, it stuck, and it was her form of endearment toward me.  “I get it,” she continued.  “I truly get it.  I’m not going to lie and say that all the admiration and attention I got wasn’t awesome, but you know Mom and Dad love you.  They just don’t show it properly sometimes.  I guess I don’t always, either. But this debt shit that Dad’s in; it’s not your problem.”  She sighed while I gasped.  Perfect Nora didn’t curse.  Well, she did, but only if something was extremely important.  That meant she really wanted to get a point across now.  “I love you, P.  I watched you live in my shadows long enough.  You’re supposed to get out, go away, and live your life at college, without me there.  You’re supposed to go to parties and get drunk and do all the things that Mom and Dad would disapprove of.  You’re not supposed to throw your life away in exchange for Dad’s.”

“That’s just it.  It’s his physical life versus my social one.”

“Come on, Paige.  You think this is a movie?  This isn’t some mafia setup where Gerry is going to off Dad with a nod of his head.”

“Maybe not, but he’ll make his life miserable.”

“They’ve been best friends forever. Nothing is going to happen.”

“You didn’t hear Dad’s voice when he was talking to Mom.  You didn’t hear the concern he had.  Gerry’s changed.”

“That’s not even the point.  Let’s say Dad’s life is ruined from this point on.  He’s lived a full life.  He got married to a woman he loved, and he had two kids he’s seen grow up. You haven’t done any of that.  Just say no.  Go back to Gerry and tell him you have changed your mind.”

“I can’t,” I whispered, my head lowered, the tears flowing freely.  “He gave me the chance to walk away and I didn’t take it.  It’s too late now.”

“What’s he really going to do if you say no?”

“I don’t know, but we’re not going to find out.” I straightened my spine.  “It’s done, Nora.  It’s happening.  Just … just be my big sister this summer and help me have fun while I still can.”

She choked on her own sob as she reached in and hugged me tight.  “You got it, P.  You got it.”

My mom spent the first week crying after I had told them I was marrying Enzo. It made the hate in my heart grow even more because I wondered why she was crying. I was the one giving up my life for them. I didn’t expect her to run around happy, but why was she acting like the victim in this? I could hear her mumbling about how she was losing her baby, but one day, she just snapped out of it. I don’t know what happened, but she became the mother-of-the-bride.  She started gushing about how great the wedding was going to be, but that it was a shame we only had a few months to plan.

I let her go on about it for the next three weeks until I saw Enzo for the first time.  After that, I put my foot down and told her it wasn’t happening.  If I wasn’t marrying for love, I wasn’t having a real wedding.  That got a bit trampled seeing as how my mom and Connie went behind my back and planned some sort of affair after all.  It wasn’t big and it wasn’t perfect, but if I had been in the right state of mind, I would have appreciated their effort.  It was an understated event at a nice restaurant with only immediate family, but it was elegant. They wanted a priest presiding over us, but I said I would run away before that happened.  So a Justice of the Peace married us.  Planning the little shindig had kept my mom occupied all summer long, which worked out for me.  I didn’t need her cheerful smile and her “oh, look at this color,” in my face every day.

My dad was an odd case.  He didn’t say much to me all summer, which actually wasn’t unusual, but I would notice him looking at me with a sort of appreciation quite often.  And if he did say something, it was usually a compliment.  Nora kept up her end of the bargain and took me out as often as possible.  I wasn’t used to having that much fun, and I was still stuck in my own mind, so it was almost wasted time, but it was better than sitting at home doing nothing.

The only times I truly hated life that summer was when I saw Enzo.  Before my wedding day, I had only seen him three times, not including before I was seven.  The first time was when my mom and Connie decided the families needed to get together.  I didn’t know how Gerry did it, but he managed to get Enzo to show up at their home for dinner.

“Enzo, this is Paige.  Paige, Enzo,” Connie had introduced us after we walked in.

I have to say that I was a bit awestruck.  Aside from his scowl and glassy eyes, indicating he had medicated in the form of liquor before meeting me, he was gorgeous.  Tousled brown hair that looked like he had run his hands through it several times, not caring how it fell, framed an angular face, all straight lines.  A jawline a model would kill for, with a sprinkle of light stubble.  Let’s not forget those piercing gold eyes.  I supposed the correct color would be hazel, but they were so light, it looked like they had been a piece of gold jewelry, polished to shine. Just like the rest of him. I did a quick sweep of his body and although he was covered with dark blue jeans and a black button-down, I could tell his body was in top shape, all muscles and hard ridges.  I think I swooned a little.

“Nice to meet you,” I said as I stuck out my hand.  My voice was shaking as a tiny bit of hope sprouted in me.  He wasn’t ugly, far from it in fact.  That had to be a positive sign.  If his personality matched his exterior, this might not be such a bad deal, minus the whole love factor and the arranged marriage part.

“I’m sure it is,” he sneered and didn’t bother to take my hand.  “When you’re done staring, maybe we can get on with dinner so I can get out of here?”  My hand dropped as if I had been handed a scalding hot cup of water. No, scratch that, a scalding hot cup of shit because that was exactly what I had been given.

I hated Enzo.  Pure and simple.  I was going to marry a man I loathed.  Great.  Just great. I guess his exterior was just a cover up for what he really was. Ugly.

The rest of dinner went just about the same.  My mom and Connie tried to keep the conversation going, Nora threw death stares at Enzo, and my dad and Gerry shared odd looks every so often. I remained silent. My lips kept tight to keep me from saying something I would regret.  Maybe more like something everyone else but me would regret.  And Enzo … Enzo made snide remarks all night and no one said a damn thing.  Nora tried a few times, bless her, but my dad would put his hand on her arm to stop her.

That was when I told my mom no wedding, no happy ending, no anything love-related.  She didn’t quite listen, but at least, she knew better than to use any of the ideas in my wedding scrapbook.  Those were sacred and she knew enough to know this farce of a marriage was anything but.

I saw Enzo twice more over the summer, also for random dinners.  They went much the same way except the last time. Last time, he managed to whisper in passing, only for my ears to hear, “You could have stopped this.”

He was sort of right.  I could have, but I also couldn’t have.  And why couldn’t he have stopped it?  Couldn’t he have told his dad to take a hike?  Why did he blame me entirely?  It took two people to get this wedding ball rolling, and I was only one of them.

My eighteenth birthday passed by without much acknowledgment.  We went to dinner as a family, but I wasn’t in the mood to do anything else.  Nora stayed in bed with me that night while I cried.  We talked about my nonexistent future with love and romance as if it would truly happen.  It was a pipe dream, but it made me feel better.

Then came the day I got married to the man who said, “I hate you,” instead of, “I love you.”  When my father walked me down the aisle to my impending doom, er, marriage, I gripped his arm tightly, trying to hold on to some sort of safety net, until I remembered I was doing this for him.  I unclenched my grip, plastered on a fake smile, and looked at my waiting husband.  The one bright spot of the night was the look on his face as he took me in from head to toe in all black.  I could see his expression move from disdain to astonishment to anger.  And when my father handed me to Enzo, I felt Enzo cringe at my touch.  I didn’t want to endure that kind of reaction for the rest of my life, but I had already signed my name, dotted the I’s, and sealed the envelope.  As I took in the hatred in Enzo’s eyes, it only worked to steel my determination.  I straightened my spine and told myself I could do this.  And so I did.  We said our “I dos,” and our lips barely touched, both of us trying to avoid any awkward intimacy.  Then went to the reception where my new husband proceeded to consume alcohol like it was water and he hadn’t drunk in weeks. Like a dying man searching for a piece of heaven.  While I plastered on a fake smile and tried to make the most of the only wedding I’d ever have, my family celebrated.