Three Women (15 page)

‘Yes?’

The woman in front of her had shoulder-length dark hair and was wearing a pair of cord trousers and a fitted cream knitted sweater. She looked younger than Erin expected.

‘Are you Mrs Cassidy?’ she asked, almost in a whisper.

‘Yes?’ She was obviously presuming that Erin was one of
those
young women who regularly called to the door trying to get customers to swap over from their current phone or TV or energy provider, and was waiting politely for her to begin her sales speech.

‘I’m Erin …’

‘Erin?’ Kate looked totally confused.

‘Erin. Your daughter … I wrote to you …’

‘Oh my God!’ Kate’s hands flew to her face and Erin could see the shock in her eyes, her face paling, disbelieving.

‘How did you find me?’ she asked accusingly. ‘Did someone in the agency give you this address?’

‘No, I found it myself.’ Erin could feel waves of utter disappointment washing over her. She felt sick, shaky … She should never have done this. The woman in front of her really didn’t want anything to do with her. She should have believed Marian Kelly. She’d made a huge mistake coming here. Like a little kid, she felt like turning tail, running and getting the hell out of here.

There was utter silence. Neither of them knew what to say.

‘I have to go out soon,’ Kate suddenly offered. ‘But if you want you can come in for a few minutes.’

She opened the door wider and Erin followed her through the hall and into a bright, square kitchen overlooking the back garden. They stood staring at each other. Funny – she was taller than her birth mother and probably at least a size smaller.

‘I’ll make us tea or coffee – which do your prefer?’

‘I’ll have coffee.’ Erin watched as Kate busied herself in the kitchen. The room was immaculately clean and tidy, the dishwasher on, with only today’s newspaper on the table, everything neat and tidy and organized – a complete contrast to the clutter of their big kitchen at home. A framed family photo
of
Kate with her husband and three children, obviously taken on an overseas sunshine holiday, hung on one wall. Curious, Erin secretly studied it.

‘It was taken five years ago in Spain,’ Kate said, catching her looking at it. ‘It’s my husband Paddy with Sean and Kevin and Aisling. It was a great holiday!’

Erin’s eyes began to well with tears. Kate playing happy families, with no part for her. She turned away, looking out towards the garden as she struggled to compose herself.

‘Why did you come?’ Kate asked.

‘I just wanted to meet you … to see you … for us to talk.’

‘I’m not sure what you want me to talk about … to tell you.’ Kate sat down at the table after passing her a mug and putting milk and sugar on the table.

‘I need to know about me,’ pleaded Erin. ‘I’m twenty-six years old and I still don’t know a lot about me and who I am …’

‘I wasn’t expecting this,’ admitted Kate. ‘I’ve kept having you a secret all these years. No one knows about you and I want it to stay that way.’

‘If that’s what you want, Kate,’ Erin sighed, feeling strangely old, ‘I’m not going to tell your secret. And in case you’re worried, I don’t need a mother because I already have a really great one that I love to bits. But I do want to find out about the past, what happened, why I was adopted … I don’t know if you can understand that, but that’s all I want from you.’

‘That’s all?’ She could see the relief in Kate’s eyes – funny, but they were just like hers, with the same kind of weird way of changing colour.

‘Yes. You have your family and I have mine.’

‘Okay,’ said Kate, taking a deep breath, even more nervous
than
Erin was. ‘I’ll tell you. But let’s get some more coffee. I need it.’

Erin could see that she was shaking. So tense and stressed. Erin wanted to touch her, say to relax, it was okay. She didn’t mean her any harm.

‘When I had you I was very young,’ explained Kate, sitting down with a big mug of coffee cradled in her hands. ‘After I finished my Leaving Cert I was mad to go to Dublin. I got a place in the College of Commerce in Rathmines doing a business and accounting course. I always liked numbers. Like lots of other country kids I couldn’t wait to get out of the place I grew up in, a little town outside Galway called Glenalley. My dad ran the local pub there. Mum died when I was fourteen, so it was left to Daddy to raise us and try to run the business. Coming to Dublin was strange and exciting, but I loved feeling all grown up and going to college. You know, I didn’t miss home at all – not a bit, and I joined every club and society in college.’

‘I did the same,’ said Erin.

‘I just wanted to try everything out – meet new people, have fun. I dated a few guys – nothing really special – then I met Johnny. I got a puncture on my bike one day and he fixed it for me. He was nice, really nice. He was studying journalism back then! We got on really well and began to go out. We were mad about each other. Both liked the same things – music, going to gigs and parties, staying up nearly all night talking about stupid things. Johnny was a big talker – he could talk for Ireland!’

‘Did you love him?’

‘Yes, I was mad about him. Then I got pregnant. I couldn’t believe it. I checked the result three times but the doctor
confirmed
it. I had my second-year exams in May and you were due in March. It was a nightmare, but I knew that Johnny and I were okay and was sure we would somehow manage. He had a part-time bar job and I worked two evenings a week in Captain America’s, the famous burger place.

‘Then when I told him he freaked out. He said that we were too young to be parents and he was not giving up college to support me. I didn’t know what to do, but I was sure he’d come around when he got used to the idea, and that we would be fine. We loved each other. Anyway, it wasn’t fine.’

Kate struggled not to cry as she continued. ‘I went and stayed with my sister. She’s a nurse and she was so good to me. When you were born, Sally phoned Johnny to tell him. I was sure that once he saw you – you were such a beautiful little thing – that he would come around and that it would all work out. But Johnny didn’t come to see you until the day I was ready to go home. He said he was too busy. Then when he came he told me that after his exams he had a summer job lined up in England and that he’d be gone for months. I remember I cried so much that the nurses had to give me something to calm me down. Anyway, I was on my own with you – no money, no job, nothing.’

‘What about your dad or family?’

‘My dad is a good man, but he was a bit of a religious nut. He was very strict with us. If he found out I was going to have a baby he would literally have killed or disowned me. My sister Sally was great, but she and her husband had only a small house and had their own kids. I stayed with her for a few weeks before you were born.

‘I felt awful. I couldn’t cope with having a baby and didn’t see any way out of it all. When I was pregnant someone had
said
to me about adoption and I had talked to a person from the adoption agency about it. Johnny was totally out of the picture, so I began to think about it again – to see it as an option not just for me but for you too. Sally tried to persuade me not to go ahead with it, but I was in such a state and couldn’t cope at all. I decided it would be better for you to be adopted by a good family, and better for me to be able to put the whole mess of what happened with Johnny behind me and get on with my life.’

‘I see.’ Erin’s eyes welled with tears.

‘Erin, I’m sorry … but I was so young, I hadn’t a clue. You were my baby, my first baby, and I really thought that I could manage bringing you up on my own … but I couldn’t. Giving you up was so hard. I never stopped thinking about you. I kept thinking of my baby, my toddler, my little girl, imagining what you would be like at each stage. Walking, talking, starting school … I suppose in my mind I kept you frozen that way, never really growing up.’

Erin took out a hankie and blew her nose.

‘So you gave me up for adoption?’

‘Yes. The social workers organized it all. I think I was so messed up and upset that I hadn’t a clue what I was doing. They told me that they had found a really lovely couple to adopt you who couldn’t have children of their own. I took some comfort from that and pictured you with them, a proper mummy and daddy who could give you a home and things that I just couldn’t.’

‘I have a lovely family,’ Erin said. ‘We are all very close and my brother is adopted too.’

‘You told me in your letter … You know, getting your letter was such a shock. I had a grown-up daughter now who
suddenly
wanted to find me. I was scared, Anna – I mean Erin. I’m still trying to get used to the name … I should never have agreed with the social worker that I would meet you. And the day we arranged to meet, I just couldn’t go through with it. I panicked. I’m so sorry about that. I didn’t mean to hurt and upset you.’ Kate’s eyes welled with tears as she continued. ‘I’m so ashamed of what I did, not turning up to meet you, but I was just terrified. Paddy has no idea I had a baby. It would kill him if he found out.’

‘What about Johnny, my father – did you ever see him again?’ Erin asked, curious.

‘He came home later that summer. We went out a few times. I think he was ashamed of how he behaved towards me. We tried to make it work again. But it just was never the same, though we both really tried. How could we get over what I had done?’

Erin didn’t know what to say or think. Kate and her boyfriend had been so young when she was born. There was Nikki freaking out about being pregnant and she had a good job and masses of support, and even a bloody crèche in her office!

Kate sat back in the chair. She looked older, exhausted, and she began to cry softly. ‘I did a terrible thing – don’t you think I know that? That it has haunted me for years? When I look at my three kids, I say secretly, “I have four kids”. I think about it constantly – what I did never goes away.’

Erin didn’t know what to say to her.

‘It’s like I have this void inside me – a secret place that is so empty and dark and lonely that I can never get rid of it,’ Kate finished.

They sat there for a while saying nothing.

‘You are very beautiful,’ Kate said, looking at her. ‘Tall, like my sister, but you’ve got my freckled skin and my eyes!’

Erin laughed. ‘My mum calls them “witchy eyes”!’

‘Tell me a bit more about yourself,’ said Kate softly. ‘About your life and growing up, and all the things I’ve missed.’

Erin couldn’t believe it. Kate was actually interested in her.

An hour later she was still talking, telling Kate about Nikki being pregnant; about Bailey her lovely Labrador getting old; and how she was allergic to penicillin and had always to wear a medic alert bracelet …

‘Snap!’ said Kate, dangling her wrist and showing her own gold medic alert band. ‘Listen Erin, I’m really sorry, but I have to go. I’m collecting Aisling from school today as she has to go to the dentist – even though she’s sixteen she won’t go on her own!’

‘Sure.’ Erin felt suddenly awkward. Kate wanted her gone, obviously. She stood up. ‘I’ve kept you too long anyway, but Kate, I am glad that I came and that I met you.’

‘I’m glad too.’ Kate stood beside her. ‘Erin, let me give you a hug.’

The hug seemed to go on for ever, both of them trying to control their emotions as they held on to each other. So many years of feelings and loss, all in a hug …

Kate’s mobile rang on the kitchen table.

‘That’s Aisling looking for me,’ she said, breaking apart. ‘I’m sorry, but I have to go – I really do. And you have to go too – Kevin could come home any time. You have to go, Erin!’

Erin waited to see if Kate would suggest meeting again, talking again, or even staying in contact. Kate grabbed her car keys and phone and handbag as they walked to the door, but
she
said nothing. Erin grabbed a card from the side pocket of her own bag.

‘This has all my contact details, my work number, my mobile number, and I’ve written my home address on the back just in case you ever need it.’

‘Thanks.’ Absentmindedly, Kate took it as she opened the door.

Erin decided she was the one who had made the big step today, done all the work tracking and finding Kate Cassidy. If her birth mother wanted to see or speak or be in touch with her again, it was up to her to do it.

She drove home across the East Link and pulled into the car park of her apartment building. She felt elated, emotional – what an adrenalin rush. All the years of thinking about her mother and wondering what she would be like; then today. She’d finally met Kate. She was happy … so happy.

She got her phone. ‘
Matt everything went great. She’s lovely. Angry first but she got over it. I’m so glad I kicked down that wall! Thanks for everything. Erin
’

KATE HAD ABSOLUTELY
no idea how she had managed to drive from home to the school. Her hands were trembling so much on the steering wheel. She couldn’t believe it: she had finally met her daughter. So many times she had tried to imagine what she would look like, but had always stopped somewhere around the age of six or seven, never able to take the image beyond that. And then today …

Erin was lovely, so lovely – intelligent and bright and kind, and yet with a strong will and a very impetuous streak. A bit like what she had been once. A graphic designer – where had she got that from? She herself was hopeless at art and could barely draw a stick figure. Erin was her daughter, her own flesh and blood! She was Erin’s mother, she was the one who had given birth to her. Seeing Erin and hearing about her family and her life had hurt her, made her feel such regret, but talking had at least proved that she had made the right decision twenty-six years ago. Erin’s parents had given her so much, things she as a single parent never could have given.

Aisling came out to the car, flinging her bag of books on the
floor
, rude and distant, already on her phone. Kate pulled her into her arms and held her a minute.

‘You know I love you, Ash, don’t you?’