Through Fire (Portland, ME #3) (26 page)

God, I’m nervous. My hands are clammy as I raise my fist to knock on the ornate door of the shelter, and I quickly wipe them on my jeans.

“Hi.” I hear Ruby’s soft voice, but I can’t seem to get my own to work. I’m too absorbed in the sight of her in the doorway. She looks beautiful. Her hair is tied back in a ponytail, leaving her gorgeous face exposed. I take my time admiring every detail of her features. I missed her so damn much. My hand rises out of its own volition, my finger tracing the delicate swoop of her nose and the curve of her lips. Her eyes are big and shiny as she smiles nervously at me.

“Well, come the hell on in,” Pam’s voice sounds from behind her. “I’d like to keep the heat in here.” Gone is the emotionally shaken and gentle Pam and in her place, the familiar no-nonsense, brusque, formidable woman she is. Ruby laughs softly at my grimace and grabs my clammy hand to pull me inside.

It isn’t until I sit down in the offered seat that I notice. “Your arm...the cast is gone.”

She stretches out her arm to show me, so I use the excuse to pull her a little closer and run my fingertips over her skin. “It came off last week.” Her voice is husky and I see goosebumps breaking out on her skin. I’m fucking thrilled to see I still affect her. That’d been my greatest fear, that she’d lose interest. Wouldn’t want me anymore. But the look in those brown eyes, and the slight hitch in her breathing, as I continue to stroke her arm tells me she’s still in this with me. I try to avoid looking at the other arm, where the sleeve of her sweater covers most, but not all of the angry red scars.

“You two talk, I’ve got shit to do,” Pam announces, as she looks from one to the other before walking out. I didn’t realize she was even in the room.

“I missed...” I start.

“I’m sorry...” Ruby says at the same time. “Let me,” she pleads. “I’ve got to get this out, or I won’t have the courage.”

“Okay.” I nod, taking her hand a little tighter in mine and continuing my petting. I can’t seem to keep my hands off her.

“I spent most of my life thinking about myself. How to get through another day—how to survive a week. I didn’t think much further than that. Coming to Portland already turned into something I never dreamed for myself. Friends, a job, and then even a place for myself. Then you,” she softly adds, turning her eyes away. “I couldn’t believe my luck. Even with everything else going on around me, I soaked up all you gave me.”

Reluctantly, I release her hand when she pulls away slightly, putting some distance between us without looking at me. The joy I felt earlier is slipping away. I don’t like this distance. I also don’t like the tears that are filling her eyes. This feels too fucking much like goodbye. “Ruby...” The sharp shake of her head shuts me up.

“I was so busy dreaming about a future with you, I didn’t stop to consider if what I had to offer would be enough for you.” Now she lifts her eyes and looks at me. “I’m so sorry. I never really weighed the impact I would have on your life, and it was a rude awakening.” Again I try to interrupt, but this time she reaches over and places her fingers on my lips to silence me. “Meeting your family, your mother...it was wonderful. Nerve-wracking, but wonderful. Your mom put me at ease, and in minutes had me spilling my history, but she never once judged. She simply accepted and moved on. I couldn’t believe my luck.”

I’m starting to get the picture, so I keep my mouth shut when she takes a deep breath again. But I need to touch, so I grab her hand again, stroking my thumb over her knuckles. Her eyes focus there.

“
You two will make a beautiful family
...That line was like a punch in the stomach, and a mirror in my face at the same time. I realized that is something I can never give you. A beautiful family. I can’t give you kids, I don’t even know if I can make you happy. I don’t know if I can really be happy.” The tears are flowing and hers are not the only ones.

I’ve had enough. In one move, I have her on my lap. It’s fucking torture not being able to interrupt and tell her; all that will make me happy is her. And that I’d spend my years working to make sure she’s happy too. She doesn’t fight, but instead settles in, putting her head on my shoulder before she softly continues talking.

“When you put a drop of white paint in a bucket of black, the color doesn’t change. It stays black. But when you put a drop of black in a bucket of white paint, the white immediately loses vibrancy. The dark starts taking over.” Her eyes lift to my face and she raises a hand to wipe at my cheeks.

“The black paint is me, and the last thing I wanted to do is turn your white world grey.”

R
uby

I was so nervous when I opened the door. Many times over the past weeks, I’ve wanted to see him—talk to him. Pam had to remind me that the best thing I could do for him, and for myself, was to get to a point where I could see where my thinking had gone off the rails. But it was Dino’s words that really hit home. He came to visit when I was still in the hospital and asked me if I was done running yet. When I started to apologize to him, something I seem to be doing a lot of, he stopped me.

“The only apology I’ll accept is you staying right where you are, fighting for your happiness. Because little one, life is never perfect. Not ever. You have to claw and scramble and dodge, just so you can hang on. It’s never perfect, but damn, it can be so beautiful.”

I’d received so much support from my friends; it riddled me with guilt, but at the same time made my heart feel lighter.

This man, though: the beautiful, kind man who had the misfortune of falling for me. Who is crying hot tears over me. This man fills my chest to exploding.

“I caused so much pain,” I whisper, my hand still on his cheek, and my face tucked in the crook of his neck.

“Don’t,” he says back, his voice ragged with emotion. “You’re here. I can’t want for anything more.” His arms lock around me, so tight I can barely breathe, but I welcome the sweet burn of my lungs. A reminder that I’m still—very much—alive.

After a moment, he loosens his grip and moves his hands to cup my face. His eyes are red-rimmed and hot on mine, as he lifts my arm and lowers his mouth to the ugly scars in a torturously tender kiss.

The clearing of a throat has both of us look up. Pam is leaning against the doorpost, a small smile tugging at her lips, with a tray in her hands. “Tea, anyone?”

-

“I
t’s beautiful.”

I stroke my hand over the surface of the massive, gorgeously rustic harvest table Dino and Tim just carried in.

“Gotta say,” Dino’s voice rumbles behind me. “The man’s got the magic touch.”

My eyes search for Tim, the man in question, who’s standing a bit sheepishly to the side. “He sure does,” I whisper to Dino softly.

His visit to the shelter, only three days ago, had been intense, but I’m happy we had that time before facing our friends today. Tim had left shortly after we finished our tea, during which Pam carefully tiptoed through the swirling emotions in the room. He seemed to withdraw a little under Pam’s scrutiny, which made me nervous. But when I was standing in the front door, saying goodbye, he’d taken my face in his hands again, pressed his lips to mine, and said, “You’ll never be black to me. You color my world in rainbows.” With that he’d turned and walked away, only stopping to look back at the gate with a wink, before he got into his truck and drove off. I was still standing there when Pam walked up behind me.

“You okay?”

“Mmmmm,” I hummed. “I think I will be.”

“Bet your ass you will. Now close that damn door already. Heat’s getting out.”

-

A
cross the room, Tim’s eyes find mine and he smiles a little. I give it back to him, only bigger.

“Ohmigawd!” Viv’s screech draws my attention to the front door, where she stands with her hands clapped over her mouth, Ike wearing a big grin behind her. “Where did you...How...”

“Tim made it,” her husband announces, with a big grin.

“No way,” Viv says, looking with disbelief at Ike before barreling for Tim, who smiles and endures being peppered with kisses. I watch him set his hands loosely on her hips as he smiles down at her. Their quiet conversation seems intimate, as Viv has her arms around his neck, keeping them standing very close. I feel a brief pang in the pit of my stomach, but when I check to see everyone else’s reaction to what is clearly a very private moment, I find nothing but smiles. Even Ike observes their interaction with a warm indulgence, so I let go of the breath I’ve been holding.

The noise level goes up a notch when Syd, Gunnar, and the kids push in the door behind Ike, and in no time the house is filled with people. Even Dino’s kids are there. The oldest boy a bruiser like his father, and his spitting image, is sitting next to Pam on the couch, talking animatedly. This, of course, is very much unlike Dino, who is far from a chatterbox. Only person missing is his wife, but no one questions her whereabouts. “Everything okay?” I ask him quietly, as he keeps an eye on his rambunctious crew. He turns to me, and I see a dark emotion in his eyes that is quickly blinked away.

“My kids are here. My friends are here. It’s all I need.”

I wince at what his words imply. Something that doesn’t go unnoticed as he puts his arm around my shoulders and leans in. “I’ll be okay,” he says softly, so no one else hears. I grab his hand resting on my shoulder and give it a squeeze.

After three hours of laughter, constant noise. and restless children, I am pooped. I’ve found a spot on a cowhide-covered seat at the bar and take in the bustle around me. Viv had a special cake made that announced the baby’s gender the moment she cut a slice. The pink frosting inside a clear indication of the little girl they’re expecting. Apparently we were all finding out at the same time, even Ike and Viv themselves. They’d had no clue since their doctor had sealed the sex of the baby in an envelope, which Viv handed over to the baker. They are so happy. The strong bond of their friendships underlined by the fact they chose to share this special moment with everyone here. The fact I seem to be part of this tight group is a little surreal and a lot overwhelming. Especially given what I’ve put everyone through.

Melancholy blankets my earlier happy buzz. Something Pam had warned me would happen, from time to time, as my body was adjusting to the lack of emotion numbing drugs I’ve been fed. It’s also a reminder that the depression I apparently suffer is not something that can just be
fixed
. It’s a constant flying, falling, crashing, and getting up again, and it will likely always be part of my existence. That’s been a hard pill to swallow.

“Hey, Boop,” Tim says, as he leans in to kiss my cheek. “You alright? The steam seems to have run out on you just now.”

I manage a smile and decide that instead of pretending I’m fine, I’m going to be honest. “It has. I’m a little overwhelmed and feeling a bit down on myself. I’m sorry.”

“Gotta stop apologizing, Ruby. For the record, I’m glad you told me. Gives me an opportunity to take you home.”

I start to protest, which Tim cuts off quickly. “I was heading out myself, babe.”

Pam gives me a thorough look over, when I go to tell her I’m tired, and Tim’s taking me home. Apparently satisfied with what she sees, she wraps me in a hug. Always interesting with Pam, since our height difference basically has my head buried in her cleavage every time. “Just a heads up that we have two new guests at the shelter,” she reminds me quietly, referring to the domestic abuse victim and her little girl, who came in just last night. “But I’ll make sure to keep the outside light on if you should be home late.” I chuckle a little at her blatant implication.

Still shaking my head, I follow Tim around the room as we say our goodbyes. Dino gives me an extra tight hug. “Look forward to having you back soon. Been quiet without you.” I smile my thanks. His words go a long way to settling my nerves over heading back to work this week. I feel like I’m starting over, once again.

With my hand firmly tucked in Tim’s, we walk out to his truck, where he lifts me in my seat. I’ve missed his hands on me. Once he has himself buckled in, his hand finds mine again, resting them both on his leg as he slowly drives away.

“Wait,” I plead, when he’s about to pull into Preble Street. “Can we stop for a minute?”

With a puzzled look on his face, Tim nevertheless pulls over and parks at the curb. The drive has been quiet up to now, leaving me to my thoughts, only the comforting rub of Tim’s thumb over my knuckles reminding me of his presence. I’m not ready to say goodbye.  I want to fight off the darkness I feel encroaching on me.

Before Tim has a chance to react, I have my belt unbuckled and climb over the console onto his lap, straddling him. “Ruby...” I cut off his pained objection with my mouth as his hands steady themselves on my hips. Tracing the seam of his lips with my tongue, he finally relents and lets me in. I’ve never
needed
the way I feel need burning through my veins now. When the deep groan bubbles up from his chest, my hands weave through his hair, keeping our connection tight as I let my hunger feast. It seems to snap Tim from his, so far, passive participation. One of his hands slides under my hair and grabs a fistful, his tongue asserting his dominance, and I willingly let myself get carried away.