Through Thick and Thin (30 page)

He’s standing right by the hostess station, and she knows it’s him right away. He looks like Kevin, and it’s strange that doesn’t mean more to her. He looks tall, too, even against the strong vertical feel, the triple height ceiling of the restaurant. She walks up to him, and he notices her, and she extends her hand.

“Hi,” she says, “Brendan?”

“Hi, Meredith,” he says, “Very nice to meet you,” and he smiles at her, a shiny, sparkly smile, and she notes that he’s very dashing looking, which makes sense of course as she has already determined that he looks like Kevin. She feels numb.

The hostess emerges from behind her post, smiling broadly at them. She wonders if she’s recognized, if she should have said,
No, it’s Sarah,
if maybe she should have worn a wig.

As they are about to turn and follow the smiling hostess into the cavernous space that is the dining room, Brendan’s cell phone rings. He reaches quickly, sharply into his pocket and flips his phone open.

“Yeah,” he says brusquely and he holds one finger up to her, and says, “Sorry, just one sec.” Meredith nods and looks up at the vaulted ceiling and listens to the strains of jazz music coming up from the downstairs.

“Listen, dipshit,” Brendan spits a few moments later. That’s what he says, he says, “Listen, dipshit,” with so much venom that no matter who is on the other end of the phone, Meredith thinks it can’t be an appropriate amount. Really it can’t. And he actually does spit a little bit when he says it. “If I have to come all the way down to the office today, on a Sunday, to sit in your fucking cubicle with you and look at a fucking spreadsheet, there’s gonna be hell to pay.”

There is, thankfully, a moment of silence, as the person on the other end of the phone apparently says something.
Poor person,
Meredith thinks. She hates this right now, hates the jazz music that’s playing, hates the guy, hates his cell phone, his complete absorption in it. She thinks she really shouldn’t be here. She takes her iPod out of her bag.

Brendan says, “Don’t give me that shit,” into his cell phone, spitting again as he does, and Meredith puts her headphones into her ears. She turns the iPod on. The song that’s just starting is “Let It Rain,” by OK Go, and she tries to tune everything else out, everything else as best as she can, and just listen to the music.

Did you come here to dance?
pipes through her headphones and into her ears, and she thinks of Stephanie.

And she thinks of DB Sweeney, how he has in his way filled all the moments. How before him, the moments were just moments, and now, they’re him. And she thinks of Gary.

Through her headphones, OK Go is lyrically inquiring,
Do you feel better now?
And even though it had always been Stephanie who had always thought so much about movies, right in this moment, Meredith is reminded of
A Christmas Carol.
She thinks of the part, right near the end, when Scrooge wakes up and realizes it’s still Christmas morning, and he still has time to fix everything.

“There’s going to be hell to pay. Hell!” Brendan says and flips his phone shut, utilizing as much testosterone as could possibly be utilized to flip shut a Razor phone. And even with the jazz music, even with the music still coming through her headphones, she doubts if she’s ever, at any point previous in her life, heard a sentence spoken so clearly.

“I have to go,” she says.

“Where do you have to go?” He asks, rather pleasantly.

“I’m sorry,” she says. “There are some people I need to see.”

As soon as she’s gotten back uptown in a taxi, as soon as she’s run quickly upstairs to get DB Sweeney, and somehow wrangled him into his Sherpa traveling bag, as soon as she’s finally, at last, on her way, she opens up her cell phone, and dials.

“Hello?”

“Steph, hey.”

“Meres, hey. What are you doing? I thought you were off to brunch at Blue Water Grill?’

“Well,” she begins slowly, “I had a change of plans.”

“Uh-huh?”

“I’m on the train to Ridgewood. And I know you wanted time, and I want you to have time, and even though I had a change of plans, I still of course have a plan, and do you want to hear mine?”

“Okay,” Stephanie says and she can’t help smiling, just at Meredith, and also because even though she told her to go on with her day—because she’d really like that, she’d really like for the whole world to go on with its day and not come to a grinding halt—she would also like to see Meredith.

“I just want to see you, I just want to give you a hug and make sure you’re okay, and there’s a train headed right back to the city in an hour, and I’ll jump right back on that. Definitely.”

“That sounds just fine, Meres. Ivy and I will leave soon and meet you at the station.”

“Fantastic, and thanks,” Meredith says.

“Thanks back at you,” Stephanie says back.

Twenty minutes later, Meredith and DB Sweeney emerge from the train. Meredith bends down quickly to take DB Sweeney out of his bag, and they walk together over to Stephanie and Ivy.

Once they meet up, Stephanie and Meredith reach out to each other and hold on, and only after a while do they pull apart. Meredith bends down to Ivy’s stroller to get a better look at her, and Stephanie bends down, too, and looks over at Meredith and says, “Who’s this?”

“This is DB Sweeney,” Meredith says proudly, and laughs a little bit, too.

“The most underrated actor of our generation?”

“Of course. I kind of named him for you,” Meredith says and smiles, a sad but also happy kind of smile. “Steph,” she says, still looking down at Ivy, “it’s been so long. I mean, it hasn’t been so long, but she’s grown so much. It’s amazing how much they grow. It’s so amazing.”

“Mmmmmm,” says Ivy.

“Hi, Ivy!”

“I’m sorry, Meres. I’m so sorry you missed her last few months, and that I missed yours.”

“Let’s not. Let’s not be sorry,” Meredith says. “I think maybe we needed to miss some stuff. I just want you to know, I’m here for you, I’ll always be here for you.”

Stephanie smiles, “I know. And now just think, we get to catch up.”

“Right,” Meredith says, “but we’ll catch up after you’ve caught your own breath. I’m sticking to the plan and coming back on Wednesday.”

Stephanie wants to thank her for that, but she doesn’t say anything, because she’s sure some things don’t, after all, always need to be said.

“As long as you’re sure you’re okay. As long as you don’t need to talk about Aubrey?” Meredith, ever the double-checker, double-checks.

“You know, I’m sure I’m going to want to talk about it soon. And there’s lots of things I’m sure I’m going to want you to know, but right now I think,” and she pauses and breathes, “right now, I just want you to know that I’m sticking by him.”

“Of course you are,” Meredith says seriously, and Stephanie thinks that in Meredith’s words she can hear hopefulness. She really does.

“I know a lot of people might think I’m crazy and that I should just look out for myself and my daughter, but you know he’s her father and also, he needs me. And if he’s ever needed me, if he’s ever needed anyone, it’s right now. And I can’t turn my back on him. I can’t.”

“Steph,” Meredith begins, “I don’t think you’re crazy. And I wouldn’t have doubted for a second that you’d stick by Aubrey. I can’t imagine anyone who knows you, even just the tiniest bit, would expect an inch, a centimeter less. You stay the course. You always have. It’s one of the things that I’ve always admired about you the most.”

“Thanks,” Stephanie says, “really.” And she means it, she thinks it’s been a while now she’s been wanting to know that there were still things about her that Meredith admired. She thinks it’s been longer than that she’s been wanting to know that there were things about her that Meredith still understood.

“He’s really lucky to have you,” Meredith says.

“Thanks, Meres,” she says, looking down at DB Sweeney and then up, at nothing in particular, at the air. “I just can’t imagine my life without him.”

“I understand,” Meredith says. “I really do.”

They walk for a while, arm in arm, Ivy rolling in her stroller, and DB Sweeney walking in front of them. They head over to the town, to the main street, and walk slowly past the stores and restaurants there.

After a while, Meredith says, “I wish I’d known. I would have wanted to help you. I do always want to help you, even though it doesn’t seem like that, even though it seems so much more like it’s always you helping me.”

“We both help each other,” Stephanie says, and Meredith doesn’t say anything. Stephanie doesn’t say anything either, and she hopes that maybe it’s their way of not saying that now they’re going to put it behind them.

“Okay, and can I just say, if it’s okay to say, that you look fantastic. I mean,
wow
, and I mean that only in the best way.”

“Yes, you can definitely say that, Meres, thanks.”

“The Zone?” She has to ask.

“Weight Watchers,” Stephanie says proudly. “It’s the answer. The answer for me, that is,” she adds on quickly.

“I tried Weight Watchers but I sucked at it. Stephanie, I decided I’m not going to diet anymore,” she confesses.

“Well,” Stephanie answers thoughtfully, “then good for you if that’s what you want. But, Meres, you know you look so great, too. Did you lose some weight?”

“I don’t think so, but you know, I can’t really say for sure. I threw away the scale.”

“Nooo . . .” Stephanie says with her eyes widened, faux dramatically.

“I really did.”

“Well, good for you. But you know, maybe it’s not weight but you look so good, so healthy.”

“Thanks, I’ve been doing a lot of doga.”

“Doga?” she asks.

“Yeah, it’s yoga for dogs, but I guess for me, it’s just yoga. Steph, I learned how to stop trying so hard, I learned how to try easy.”

“You? Yoga? I never would have thought, not in a million years. I have a feeling we must have a lot to catch up on.”

“I have a lot to tell you. But before we move on, can I just say that you’re looking very pre-pregnancy.”

“Well, I’m hardly there yet, but thanks. I do feel like I’m on my way though,” Stephanie tells her, and for a moment Stephanie pauses, because she will never be the same person again. Yes, she no longer stands in front of a mirror and thinks her body surely must belong to an alien, but there is still that alien sensation, as if this isn’t really her life. She thinks that feeling will be with her for a while, until Aubrey gets home, and she imagines even after that. But on the other hand, she nods enthusiastically because she has lost a lot of the weight she set out to lose.

“Okay,” she continues, “I have to admit, I did set my goal weight as a little higher than I actually wanted it to be, because you know, I wanted to reach it, but I think I will reach it. Not right away, but I really have faith, I really do think I’ll reach it.”

Meredith smiles at her proudly.

“And,” Stephanie continues, “I think when you reach your goal, you get a key chain. And you know what, I’m so going to use that key chain proudly.”

“That’s amazing, Stephanie. You’ll make your goal. You’re amazing.”

“It doesn’t get easier though,” Stephanie says, and thinks that maybe not very much does. “And there aren’t any shortcuts. There are always setbacks, but that’s okay because you learn from the setbacks.”

“You do,” Meres agrees, and thinks to herself,
You really do.

“I mean, just last week I gained because I’d been really overdoing it with the baby carrots. I ate two bags of baby carrots without even thinking about it. And then I just said to myself,
Stephanie, stop looking for happiness in the bags of baby carrots.
”

Meredith laughs. “Ha, true. Now this is coming from a proud Weight Watchers dropout, so take it with a grain of salt. But I’ll agree with you that maybe two bags of baby carrots in one sitting might not have been the wisest choice.”

“Oh, but even if it’s not one sitting, I’ll just walk back and forth to the kitchen getting a handful at a time,
for hours.
” Stephanie adds and they both laugh. It feels good to laugh, and to laugh together, again.

“I don’t know,” Stephanie chuckles. “Maybe the trick is that you can’t go looking for happiness.”

Meredith smiles widely, at her sister, at everything. So many lightning bolts, so little time. “Or,
maybe
,” she says, eyes wide, “the trick is that you actually can.”

“What’s that, Meres?” Stephanie asks, looking down at Ivy, twirling something shiny and plastic on the stroller’s handle.

“I’ll explain. Wow, I feel like I have so much to explain,” Meredith says and Stephanie looks at her, kind of confused.

“What?” she asks again, as Meredith starts bouncing from one foot to the other, pulling slightly on DB Sweeney’s leash. He comes right to her and looks up at her and then at Stephanie expectantly. It looks very much to Stephanie like DB Sweeney is ready to go. (And if she mentioned this to Meredith, Meredith would have explained that DB Sweeney knows everything.)